by Olivia Janae
Panicked, Vivian’s hands scrambled at her, struggling to catch her as Kate fought for escape, fought the arms that pulled at her and tried to make it to the door.
Kate had to get away before she lost everything she had again. She had to run, had to put up a wall. She couldn’t do this. She just couldn’t. Charlie had been wrong. She had been so wrong.
Vivian finally got a solid grip on Kate and pulled her to her, catching her in the embrace Kate had only just held her in. Arms wrapped tightly around her from behind, constricting her so forcefully that Kate couldn’t struggle, she could only hang her head, defeated and broken as Vivian brought them to their knees, her head resting against the back of Kate’s neck.
Another agonized cry ripped through Kate, shaking her body violently, threatening to tear her tattered soul apart, releasing the pain she had been holding for months, the dejection, the confusion, the anger.
Vivian held her all the tighter, letting her cry.
When the tears did not slow, Vivian scrambled around to Kate’s front, pulling her face into the crook of her shoulder, stroking her hair desperately and whispering quiet apologies, promises that she had been wrong.
It should have made her feel better to finally hear Vivian say it, to hear her admit that she had been wrong, but it didn’t.
Kate gritted her teeth, unwilling to allow this to happen any longer. If she wasn’t careful, then she was going to get caught, then she was going to let herself have the one thing that she wanted even though it was dangerous, impossible to hold on to. Vivian cupped her face, frantically catching her lips again, and Kate kissed her back, pleading with the universe as Vivian pushed her back with a thud to the floor.
Kate knew it was stupid to allow her to, knew if she did then she would only get hurt again, and yet her head fell back, taking in a soggy breath.
She doesn’t want you like you want her, she told herself, and yet.
Vivian’s nimble fingers made quick work of Kate’s shirt and the bra underneath, deep chocolate eyes never leaving Kate’s jade as she watched for a sign that moving forward was prohibited. The moment Kate’s torso was free, Vivian crawled atop her and rested her face against her stomach, rubbing her nose across her skin. She could feel Vivian’s lashes brush against her as her eyes closed, breathing deeply as her arms wrapped around Kate in an aching embrace.
Kate’s heart burst at the show of relief from her former lover, her arms closing around Vivian’s shoulders. “Oh, I missed you.”
Sitting up, Vivian’s eyes burned holes into her, brushing away the few remaining tears and staring as though she had questions that needed answering. Kate stroked her cheek, her reservations lost. Vivian’s eyes rolled closed at the contact, covering Kate’s hand with her own and kissing the palm she held to her, then leaned forward to slowly, gently kiss Kate.
This kiss wasn’t like the kisses before, hot and angry. This kiss was light, gentle, warm.
Their bodies heated together as Vivian stripped her of the rest of her clothing and began kissing across her body, touching every part of her before slipping between her thighs and softly, intimately taking her into her mouth.
Kate’s cry was soft, though the feeling was powerful. Her hands stroked through Vivian’s hair, the side of her face, as her other hand intertwined with Vivian’s, binding them together.
Vivian worked slowly, torturously, lovingly, and everything began to filter away, everything except the places where Kate’s body was connected to Vivian’s.
Kate pulled her up. They rocked, skin against skin, each touching the other as though they needed to, had to.
They came together, each murmuring the other’s name, pulling her deeper. The release wasn’t enough. It made Kate’s skin itch, made her desperate, so she twisted them and they sought another, then one more, before the nagging sensation finally began to fade.
Exhausted, Kate let herself roll atop Vivian, happy just to kiss her again, wiping Vivian’s damp hair from her face and cupping her cheeks.
Kate’s back was sore from the hard floor and she was cold, but she held her tightly.
Vivian’s face twitched into a smile, but fell almost instantly when Kate stayed somber. “What’s wrong?”
How could she even explain?
“Are you going to throw me away again?” The day had been such a rollercoaster of emotions, up, down, and sideways. Kate was exhausted, physically and mentally. All she wanted to do was go upstairs, curl up under Vivian’s blankets, and sink into a long and comfortable sleep, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t settle into the peace Vivian was feeling. Each time she reached for tranquility the same thoughts crashed in on her: am I here to stay or have I simply been granted a visa for the night?
“What?” Vivian’s body jerked, appalled, and Kate was sorry for it, for the harshness of her question. She knew now that Vivian was sorry for her actions, that had become painfully obvious. She could feel it in the way she touched her, that Vivian perhaps even went as far as regretting them, but that didn’t mean that it wouldn’t happen again.
It had already happened again. They had never addressed the issues after the alumni dinner, the dinner that had caused their first near-breakup, the ones that had come back to sweep Kate’s legs out from under her. They were broken women, in their own ways, and yet they had done nothing to accommodate that.
“I need to know, okay? I’m sorry, but I do. I’ve spent my whole life in the same pattern, Vivian. I go somewhere new and I feel welcomed, maybe even wanted, and then slowly over time something happens. A contract ends, the family I was staying with gets pregnant, a younger, sweeter foster child becomes available, whatever. No one misses me, no one thinks about me twice after I’m gone. Then it’s on to doing it all over again somewhere new. I can’t do that with you again, Vivian, I can’t. Max can’t. He’s been a mess since you left. The only reason I even let him see Charlie again was because he was still so broken over you. You know he’s back to sucking his thumb?”
“What? I thought he was broken of that.”
“He was.” Kate studied her beautiful face, saw the worry there and was both pleased and confused. “Until you left.”
Vivian’s eyes stared, open wide for just a little too long before she gave a slow blink and looked away, her throat working as if she was going to cry.
“I had to give him something and I think, yeah, I think, Char and I are good now. But we can’t do that again, Vivian. You’re too... you’re everything to me, and to Max. So, I need to know. Should I stay or are you just going to chuck my son and me out the front door again one day without even giving me a choice in the matter? Without even hearing what the fuck I have to say?”
“Kate!” Vivian gasped as if Kate had said something utterly indecent, but she just clutched her face in her palms, waiting, not allowing Vivian to turn away from her again.
Vivian’s eyes flashed back and forth between Kate’s, her hands lifting, searching for words. It was a long minute before, eyes glistening, Vivian asked in a defeated voice, “What do you want from me?”
Kate didn’t have to think before she answered, “I want you to keep us.”
Vivian’s mouth opened soundlessly, pain cresting every inch of her face.
The look on Vivian’s face hurt. “Come on.” Kate gave a thick, fake laugh. “We’re not that bad.”
Like a swift jab of a knife, Vivian pulled out of her hands, twisting to put on the shirt from the floor.
Kate had toppled to the side when Vivian moved, not caring that the hard floor hurt her elbows and knees. Now she just stayed there, unmoving. She was staring blankly at the ceiling, her mind whirling.
What am I doing here? Why did I let this happen? I knew before I even asked – Kate, you fucking idiot! Why did you put yourself back in this situation?
Vivian turned back to her, taking Kate’s hands in her own. “Kate.”
She wanted to pull away, to run as far as possible from this stupid situation. She knew that tone, she knew e
xactly what it meant. She had heard it all her life.
“Kate, listen to me. It’s... it’s me.”
She scowled up at her former lover, waiting to see what the hell that meant. “Are you really saying, ‘It’s not you, it’s me’?”
“But it is!” Vivian cried, her wild eyes pleading. “It is me. I’m broken, Kate, don’t you understand that by now?”
“Why? Because you’re deaf?”
“No.” Vivian shook her head sadly. “Because I can’t. I just can’t.”
“You can’t what, Vivian? What?”
“What you want, it’s so big. We would be so big. I can’t… I just don’t have the courage. I’m not like you. I can’t stay and watch you realize… I can’t be turned away. Who’s to say you won’t just walk out on me? You were going to do it before.”
Kate’s head fell back, and she groaned, signing into the air, her fingers sharp and slapping. “I was not!”
“We both know there’s no guarantee, and I just– can’t.” Vivian turned away, staring at nothing. “You can’t love the unlovable, Kate. Not like you think you want to, not forever, and I just can’t be here when you realize that.” She cupped Kate’s cheek lightly, tears falling from her self-loathing eyes. “You are perfect. I can see you blaming yourself. Please don’t. It’s all me. I just, I can’t be what you need.”
Painful heat bubbled in Kate’s soul, and she spat, “You can’t be what? Be loved? Be worthy of my trust? You’re just afraid, Vivian! You’re afraid I will eventually reject you, so you’re not even willing to try! You’re a coward, Vivian! You’re being a coward! Because, what, I can’t guarantee that we’ll always be happy? That’s crap!”
Vivian opened her mouth again, but Kate didn’t want to hear it. She grabbed her clothes and began pulling them on. “Don’t tell me I can’t love you.”
She heard the harsh sob rip behind her, but she didn’t turn. She limped toward the door, her soul bleeding.
She didn’t steer from her course, not until she heard the small whisper. “Kate.”
Vivian was wrapped her arms around herself, staring wide-eyed, tears washing away the remnants of the smile she had worn a few minutes before. “Kate. Please don’t give up on me.”
Pain ripped through Kate’s chest. That just was not good enough. Vivian couldn’t tell her that she couldn’t have her but then tell her not to leave.
She stepped through the door before Vivian could one day push her out of it without a parachute.
‘Please don’t give up on me.’
‘Please don’t give up on me.’
‘Please don’t give up on me.’
Kate knew she should be flattered when, fight or no fight, instead of remaining with her best friend, Charlie showed up at her apartment around six that morning.
“I’m sort of mad at her now,” Charlie explained, flopping onto the couch as though the earth wanted to tip her over. “Do you have any Tylenol?”
Kate didn’t even bother to hide her scowl as she got up and grabbed Charlie the meds and a big glass of water. “Why are you mad her?”
“Well.” She gulped it all down and then sat for a moment, looking queasy and unsure if the water would stay down. “Um, you guys were kind of loud last night. You woke me up, so I saw a lot of that up against the window, um, business.”
Kate waited for the embarrassed flush, but her body couldn’t muster the energy. “You could have told us you were there,” she managed.
Please don’t give up on me.
The words would not leave her alone. They swirled around and around in her mind like bile.
“I’m sorry!” Charlie whined. “I was drunk. I don’t know, I was kind of fascinated. You guys were killin’ it!” She gave a teasing giggle. “I was shitfaced! It didn’t even occur to me that I shouldn’t be looking until, well, what came afterward. Until you were crying.”
Please don’t give up on me.
She moaned, wanting to rip those thoughts out of her mind.
Perhaps she should have been mad that Charlie had been spying on them in such an intimate moment and all the angrier because Charlie had seen Kate’s breakdown, but she just didn’t have it in her. “So, why did you come here?” she asked in a deadened voice.
“I guess I assumed that if you weren’t still there then she probably did something really stupid or bad. I know how Vivian’s been since she split up with you. It’s the first time that I’ve actually understood the whole Ice Queen thing. She probably turned you out again, right? She’s been so stupid.” Charlie groaned to the ceiling. “It’s like she’s been waiting for some type of sign that you are willing to stay… while not allowing you back. I don’t get her!”
“Mm, well. She didn’t kick me out. Not exactly.” Kate gave a halfhearted shrug. “I left before she could.”
“So, wait …”
“She didn’t turn me down, but it was clear she was going to, if not last night then soon. She just kept saying ‘she couldn’t.’ Whatever the fuck that means.”
Please don’t give up on me.
“I guess I’m asking too much from her.”
“What do you mean?” Charlie asked, swigging the water and then shuddering.
Kate let her head fall back onto the couch. “I think she knows that I want to stay around. That’s what I don’t get. If you work through all of the Vivian bullshit, she basically was saying that I was going to be with her for a while and then, I don’t know, learn she’s not perfect and dump her. Which I get since she’s basically always been rejected and all of that. But, like, I’ve been the one trying to make what she did better. I’ve been going after her. She’s been the one saying no.
“I don’t get it. I want her to want to stay around. I want to move into her apartment and see her every morning and every night. I want Max to call her Mom. I want her to sign P.T.A. permission slips. I want to fucking know her, you know? I want her to know all of me. I don’t take risks, not when it comes to possibly getting hurt.”
She sat up. “I can’t even remember the last time I dated before I moved here. I just don’t do it. That’s not who I am, I do better on my own. But she makes me want to take risks, you know? Like, if I thought jumping out of an airplane holding a sign that said ‘I love you, Vivian’ would fix everything, I would do it. Except that life isn’t a fucking movie. Ugh, I just want to fight with her because I accidentally left a red crayon in with the whites. I want, I want to know her mom if that makes her happy or to be one of those couple that you see, you know, standing there in the store with their kids that look just like them and debating over red apples or green. I don’t know, maybe it’s what you said and she doesn’t really know that. Maybe she really does think I’m the flight risk, even though I wasn’t the one to take the fuck off, but I just want a chance at a life with her. I want—”
Kate nearly jumped out of her seat when Charlie sniffed loudly, hands covering everything but her eyes. “What? What’s wrong? What did I say?”
Charlie sniffed again, not bothering to wipe away the huge tears that were falling as she wailed, “You want to marry her!”
This time, Kate did jump from her seat.
15
“That’s it! Charlie, you’re a fucking genius!” Kate scooped the still sour-smelling Charlie into her arms and spun her around until Charlie forced her to stop, threatening to be sick again.
It made so much sense. It was perfect. It was exactly the thing to do! It would solve everything!
Kate wasn’t going to give up on Vivian.
“Kate, you have to explain! You’re freaking us the fuck out!”
John had shown up at her apartment minutes before. His hair stood on end from the shower he had just stepped out of when Charlie called, frantic about Kate’s sudden shift from happy to hysterical. “What’s happening?” he asked Charlie. “I don’t get it.”
“Mommy’s crazy,” Max muttered, watching Kate as well.
Kate was searching through her belongings, tossing
the unwanted papers over her shoulders, finding everything except the one she needed. “Damn it, where is it?” She knew that the trio was talking to her, she heard their voices, but her mind was working far too fast to answer them.
She kept all of her online banking information for that top-secret-special-for-emergencies-only-shit-we-have-to-move-again bank account written on a small piece of paper among her legal documents. In New York, her account had been wiped clean twice, the first time because someone stole her phone, the second because someone stole her wallet. She didn’t trust saved passwords on her laptop after that, and while writing passwords on paper made her feel like this super special account was safe, not saving her passwords digitally made hunts like this one take a long time.
“Kate!” John clapped his hands, trying to draw her attention. She only briefly glanced over her shoulder, a reflex, before diving back into her accordion file. “What is going on?”
“I don’t know what happened!” Charlie said. “She and Vivian hooked up last night and I think she cracked.”
“Whoa! Little ears!” There was a pause in which Kate found an envelope and dumped the contents before grunting with frustration and continuing her search.
“She break up with her again?” John asked quietly.
“I’m fine!” Kate mumbled, a pencil between her teeth.
“No?” Charlie answered with hesitation. “Maybe? Not really? I don’t know. I’m going to go get in the shower because I smell like shit, see if you can…” She waved at Kate and left the room.
“Aha!” Kate yelled, her fist pumping into the air while her feet flapped excitedly on the bed. She’d found it.
She dived past John, her mind running a million miles per hour. Did she really want to do this? Had she lost her mind? What was she thinking?
Well, she was thinking of that small Christmas box and how upset she had been when it had turned out to be earrings. She was thinking about Vivian and the way she was with Max, the way that Vivian had looked at her on Christmas Eve.