Zoey needed to continue. Doing so wasn’t going to get any easier. He was going to ask questions eventually. All she could do was hope she had the answers. So much of her life was a mystery to her. She couldn’t share what she didn’t know or understand.
“He didn’t say these things to me just privately, but he spoke them to others as well. I couldn’t go anywhere without people looking at me and believing the vitriol he spewed about me. Everyone questioned my integrity, and my self-respect lessened with every sneer. My reputation was . . . is . . . ruined. People think that I’ve been . . . with a lot of men. Oh hell, they thought I was easy when I was ten years old. I hadn’t even kissed a boy then, but my father declared it, and from there it was accepted as truth.”
“It must’ve been very difficult for you,” Bennett said so softly that she almost lost her control and broke down.
“I didn’t have any friends. No parent wanted their little girls to hang around with a slu—”
“Don’t say it!”
She looked up at him, surprised by the change in his tone. Was she pushing him away? Was the truth too much for him? “It’s what he called me.”
His voice was filling with anger as he spoke. “I don’t give a damn what he called you, Zoey. I don’t want to ever hear you call yourself that. Do not let his words become yours.”
She’d never thought about it that way. Do not let his words become yours. Was holding on to them giving him power over me? Even with him gone, because she had allowed it, his bitterness was still haunting her. How had she not seen that before? If I’d met Bennett years ago when Dad was still alive, could I have broken away from his control, his thumb, and not be so darn messed up now? I wasn’t a whore. I certainly have never been a slut. I’m not worthless. I’m not stupid. Bennett was right. I don’t need to hide behind the woman my father declared me to be.
“You’re right. It’s a . . . habit I guess. I never speak it out loud. I only keep these thoughts to myself.”
“You haven’t told your brothers? They must know what your father said and did,” Bennett asked, but his tone was once again calm and comforting.
“We’ve never spoken about it. But yes, they must know. The world does. How you didn’t is beyond me.”
“I knew what was said. But I chose to get to know you, and not believe everything I’ve read.”
Zoey couldn’t fight the tears any longer. Everything she’d feared saying, he’d known, and still pursued her. Wanted her? Was it possible? Could she actually get a happily ever after of her own?
“And yet you’re still here.” It wasn’t a question, but he answered it nevertheless.
He got up from his seat, walked over to her, and while wiping her tear-covered cheeks he said, “I’m not going anywhere, Zoey.”
What was his angle here? Yes, her brothers didn’t treat her as her father had, but what would Bennett see in her that caused him to say that? Hurt and pain were her normal. “Why?” Zoey asked, her voice barely a whisper.
“Because you’re very important to me.”
It wasn’t the declaration of love she’d hoped for, but it was more than she’d had before. It’s a start. Maybe someday . . . I can wish . . . dream . . . but I should just be happy that I’m important to him. No. I need to be happy because I am who I am. Not because of his words.
Bennett held her as she cried. He was hoping she’d share something he hadn’t already known, but for her to open up to him with what she had was a huge step. He was proud of Zoey. It took such courage to face even a few of her demons in front of him. I know. I have my own that I battle, sometimes not as well as she has.
He knew she wanted to hear him say he loved her. It took every ounce of control to hold those words back. It was something he’d just realized, but the timing was not good. I love her. In fact, she was the only woman he’d ever loved. But those words would need to come after the conversation regarding her mother. If she could still look at him then, still wanted him in her life, he’d tell her.
They stood there just holding each other. It wasn’t intimate, but Bennett found a closeness he’d never experienced before. He could feel how relaxed she was as she clung to him. He never wanted it to end, but he heard the doorbell ring for the second time.
“That’d be our food. Why don’t I get it and you can get things ready in here? Don’t forget, spoons first.”
“Oh, don’t worry, if your ice cream melts, I think I still have some in my freezer. But sadly, I’m all out of whipped cream.” Zoey gave him a playful wink.
“I’ll add that to my shopping list.” He gave her a brief kiss before leaving her alone in the kitchen. Tonight they’d had a breakthrough, but he knew he couldn’t spend the night again. He would stay and have dinner. Talk if she wanted, but after that, he was going back to his hotel, no matter how badly he wanted to do otherwise. They had to slow things down a bit. At least, until I know specifically what I’m dealing with, what I’ll find, and possibly what I won’t find.
Chapter Fifteen
He had spent every day with Zoey and his nights were back at the hotel reviewing more files with Doug. Although he hated to admit it, Bennett still wasn’t able to locate the information regarding the original owners of the piano. He was able to locate a business name on the bottom of the bench and Doug had tracked down a high-end piano store in New York under that name. Neither knew if that was where it had been purchased since a name wasn’t much to go on. Even if she had purchased it there, he wasn’t sure they’d have any record still on file. He’d placed a call to the store’s owner but hadn’t heard back. Waiting was not his strength.
Leaving her now wasn’t the best timing. She was changing, becoming more comfortable with herself and him. It was refreshing. But Bennett needed to remind himself why he was here in the first place. This job, being here, wasn’t about his feelings for Zoey, or at least, it wasn’t supposed to be. It’s about her mother, her health, her future.
Going to New York tomorrow might work out perfectly. Jon should have the results for him as well. With that information, he could work on the next phase. Finally locating her mother. He still hadn’t determined if he would try to find all six mothers yet. It was an undertaking that he hadn’t been hired to do, and one he wasn’t sure he should do.
From his meeting with her brothers, it appeared that only Alex wanted anything to do with the past. Trying to figure out why a Henderson felt or did something wasn’t easy. Bennett hadn’t inquired why they each felt the way they did, but now wished he had. It might have helped shed some light on what was also going on with Zoey. His concern was it would be like opening Pandora’s box. What lies within might be bigger than anyone could imagine. That didn’t mean he wasn’t going to pry for more information. Maybe when I get back I’ll pay Alex another visit.
“I need you to keep an eye on Zoey for me for a few days.”
“Where are you off to?”
“I want to talk to Jon regarding the results.”
Doug arched his brow. “And?”
“Does there need to be more?” Bennett asked, agitation in his voice.
“No. But I know you. There’s more,” Doug said, leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed. “You’re not going to let this music thing go, are you?”
“I can’t.”
“Bennett, some things are private. Open your eyes. Whatever caused her to be that angry will only make her resent you if you don’t drop it.”
Doug might be right, but for some reason, it wouldn’t leave him. He heard the music in his sleep. He found himself humming the tune. Getting the answer wasn’t just about her any longer.
“She doesn’t need to know.”
“What exactly are you looking for?”
He knew the answer seemed ridiculous. Someone would need to have heard the piece to know, to understand. “The composer.”
Doug slapped his hand on the table, got up, and walked around the room as though in disbelief. “Who cares who wrote it? You�
�re not here to find a composer. You’re here to find her mother. You’re going to risk everything, not just this job, but your relationship with Zoey to get a name of someone who put notes on a piece of paper? Have you lost your fucking mind?”
I know I have. Doug couldn’t understand. When he played that composition, he’d felt a connection. Although he couldn’t compose music, it was something he would’ve written. And for the first time, he’d found himself adding to a piece. Never before had his fingers glided along the keys without knowing the direction to take. Finding the answers wasn’t about just Zoey’s reaction. It was about his as well. Whoever had written it had opened a door for him that he’d never believed he had. It isn’t my composition, but there is now a piece of me in it. I can’t just walk away from that.
“You know I lost it a long time ago,” Bennett said seriously. Maybe I’m trying to find it now.
“Whatever you’re looking for, I hope you’re ready for the answer.”
Bennett shot him a look. His gut was telling him Doug knew something he wasn’t sharing. That’s not the way this was supposed to work. “Spill it,” Bennett barked. Doug stopped and glared at Bennett. He knew he’d been right in calling Doug out.
“The composer might not want to be found.”
What the hell does that mean? “The music is brilliant. Why wouldn’t someone want it shared with the world?”
“You’re not thinking like a composer. You’re thinking like someone that only plays what others compose.”
Bennett knew he wasn’t a composer. That didn’t mean he couldn’t appreciate the art. “And you know the difference how?”
“Many people will write their feelings or experiences in a journal. There are musicians who use their music to capture that.”
“That is well known. What does that have to do with the music I found?”
“Bennett, it was hidden away. That says the composer wanted it that way. It isn’t for you to decide if it should be heard or played by others.”
He had never used a journal. Bennett wrote reports, but anything that troubled him was kept bottled up inside. For years he’d heard Doug tell him he needed to find an outlet. Bennett’s way of coping was working more, harder. If he stopped too long and was idle, his demons encroached. They were memories he faced but never honestly dealt with. Even now if he thought about them, he’d feel uncontrollable anger flood through him. It may have been years ago, but the senseless deaths seemed all too fresh. What he’d seen, felt, he’d never wanted on paper in any form. Not in word or in musical notes.
“I get it,” Bennett said somberly.
“I know you do.”
“What I don’t understand is why Zoey was so . . . angry over my finding it.”
“Bennett, you have been spending a lot of time with her. My suggestion would be to ask her.”
Just come right out and ask her. “And you don’t think that’s going to set her off again?”
“Oh, I know it will. But at least you’ll have your answer.”
Bennett shook his head. “And you think I’ve fucking lost my mind?”
“No. But I don’t think you understand the woman’s mind and how it works.”
“And you believe you do?” Bennett teased. “Because from what I know, you’re just as unattached as I am.”
Doug laughed loudly. “That’s because I understand it.”
Now that I believe. Although he agreed with Doug, that didn’t mean he was going to take his advice. Bennett was going to go to New York, meet with Jon, and then stop at the piano shop. If he didn’t find what he was looking for there, then maybe he’d try Doug’s asinine suggestion and ask Zoey. At least this time I would be prepared.
“I’m leaving before sunrise to beat the traffic. Let me know if anything changes.”
“And you expect me to watch her how? Peek through her windows?”
“You’re not funny, Doug.”
Doug laughed again. “I don’t know, it sounded funny when I said it. Maybe it’s you who’s wound up so tight.”
“Zoey’s welfare is not something I joke about.”
“And on your long drive to New York, why don’t you think about why that is? Because you’re a lot more invested in this than just a job. Since you’re all about needing answers, you can add that one to your list.”
I already know the answer. What I am going to do about it has yet to be determined.
“How long will you be gone?” Zoey asked. She was grateful he’d called her instead of telling her in person. She knew somehow he’d have seen her disappointment that he was leaving.
“Two, maybe three days tops. In case you’ve forgotten, someone has hired me to do a job.”
“And that’s what you’re doing in New York? Do you think my mother’s there?” She didn’t want to get her hopes up, but it’d be nice if he’d located her that quickly. But that doesn’t mean I want him out of my life. Oh, God. Please don’t tell me I won’t see him after the job’s done.
“No. I’m getting the DNA results that will hopefully provide a geographical location of birth. If I’m lucky, she stayed where you were born.”
“You mean they can tell that closely as to where my parents are from?” She found it hard to believe, but then again with such rapid advancements in technology, nothing should surprise her.
“That’s the goal.”
“If it was that simple, why wouldn’t my brothers have done it before?” There was a long pause, and for the first time she knew she’d caught him off guard. Or did he know something he wasn’t willing to share? She knew he’d visited with her brothers several days ago. None of them would say why or what was discussed. Had he informed them about what she was doing? Or why he was really in Boston?
Trust was a major issue for her to overcome. She’d made progress with Bennett, but his silence concerned her. Please, Bennett. Don’t break my trust. Don’t break my heart.
“Bennett, is there—?”
“People have different reasons for what they do, Zoey. What is driving you to find your mother is different than where they are in their lives. It doesn’t mean they don’t want to know their mother, but for them, it might not be at the top of their list of concerns.”
“You mean they don’t want to know who she is?” Zoey’s voice rose an octave. There was no way she was hearing him correctly. “How could they not want to know? All we’ve ever known was . . . cruelty. Hatred. I told you some of what’d gone on, but it was even worse than that. Bennett, we weren’t allowed a woman’s influence in the house. We had nannies, but each time any of them showed us any real attention or affection, they were gone instantly. No one was ever there when we were sick, or had a nightmare, or to wish us a happy birthday.”
Zoey hadn’t meant to rattle on so much. But comprehending that no one else cared to know why they’d grown up the way they had hurt her. It also made her feel alone in her endeavor. They couldn’t understand what it did to me back then, and they obviously don’t know how it still haunts me.
“Sweetheart, don’t cry,” Bennett said soothingly over the phone.
She hadn’t even realized she was crying. The shock of what she’d just heard left her feeling bewildered and numb. “Bennett, I have to go. I can’t . . . talk about this right now.”
Zoey disconnected the call and threw her phone across the room, hearing it crack on impact with the marble fireplace. I don’t care. Nothing matters. No one understands. Why is it just me who cannot get past what was done to us?
She grabbed a pillow off the couch and buried her tear-drenched face in it. Her entire body shook as she sobbed. Vicious, attacking words assaulted her mind. The hateful words her father said to her. How she’d spent her entire life practically locked away in the house without another living soul to befriend her. When her brothers attempted to include her, dear ole Dad beat them. When she wanted to go out to make friends, her father reminded her that no one wanted a slut in their presence.
Now she searched for th
e one person who could hopefully love her unconditionally, and no one else in the family wants to find her? A mother’s love is supposed to be . . . kind, gentle, and endless.
Zoey had tried to picture what her mother would look like, how she’d act. How life would’ve been different if she was there with them in the house when she grew up. It was a child’s fantasy to think she was anything but what she was. A person who abandoned us because she didn’t want us any more than Father did. How could she abandon six children? And how did she accept that? Six. Times. Did he keep her locked up somewhere too, only needed when he decided to procreate?
She didn’t know what her brothers thoughts were regarding their mother’s lack of presence, but it haunted her to this day. Zoey could tell herself anything, but deep down, she wanted, no needed, to know. It wasn’t about obtaining a family health history sheet. This was so much more personal. No matter what had transpired between her parents, the fact that her mother never contacted them even once left her feeling abandoned. Unloved. Is it really possible that neither Mom or Dad wanted us? We were just results of a physical act? Because that’s exactly how I feel. I just wish I knew if I was right.
She knew then what Bennett had been trying to tell her. Her brothers had already found what they wanted. It wasn’t a person. It was accepting their past. Not that they’d forgotten, but they’d moved on. Moved forward. God help me. Let me learn, let me heal so I can do the same. I’m tired; I don’t want to be in this dark empty place any longer.
Everything she thought she’d wanted seemed to change in a flash. The need to find her mother had always been there, but was now gone. Knowing her identity wasn’t going to wipe away what happened. If anything she might resent her even more for not being there.
Zoey knew the doctors wanted a family history to help determine what was going on with her. Maybe it was time she stopped seeking help from everyone else and turned to her family. Logan should be the one. Not Dr. Gupta in another state where I’m just another number, mixed in with hundreds of others.
Virgin For The Fourth Time: Barrington Billionaire's Series: Book Four Page 15