‘I didn’t want to hurt him… he loved Mam.’
‘But you were hurting.’
‘I didn’t count.’
‘Derek deserves to know the truth of his parentage, no matter how messy it is. It’s his right.’
May looked conscience-stricken. ‘I’ve never thought of it like that. Mam, you see, doted on him and wanted him known as her son.’
‘May, he’s your son… and it’s time you told him so.’
The ferry approached the landing on the other side of the river. The pair of them, there for the ride, stayed on for the return journey home.
As the ferry bumped against the landing, Richard’s mind buzzed. May’s story was a lot to take in, and his mind reeled as he tried to digest all of the information. But nothing had changed, he discovered in wonder. May had a past – so what! She was still the girl Richard loved and as far as he was concerned, nothing would change his high opinion of her and all she’d accomplished.
But there was still the problem of him being an outcast – and now his unborn child would be tainted too.
I won’t blame you if you walk away, she’d said. But how could that be the right thing to do now there was a baby to consider? Richard asked himself.
The other passengers had now left the top deck and they were alone. May looked small and defenceless as she sat waiting for an answer. His instinct was to protect her – even though she was doing a fine job of looking out for herself.
‘May, I love you. I always will. Nothing you do would ever change that fact.’
‘And you can live with what I’ve told you about Bi—’
He took her in his arms and kissed her hard until he worried that her lips might be bruised. He never wanted to let her go but he had to. For, he thought, as he released his grip, he had no job, nowhere to live and no prospects.
I’m going to be a dad. The words reverberated in his brain.
He thought of his own father, remote from him all of his life, never showing any love or affection.
How could he make things different for his child?
In that moment, the need to protect his unborn child grew so strong, it astounded Richard. He realised the power of parental love. And he knew something else; if anyone should harm the child May carried, he would surely kill them with his bare hands.
Richard now knew what he must do.
22
On the return journey, the ferry crossed the smooth and murky waters of the River Tyne.
May, sitting in the darkness, inhaling the rejuvenating sea air, was overcome with happiness and joy. She couldn’t have asked for a better reaction. She’d feared Richard might reject her after she told him about the baby. But this was Richard. Honourable and trustworthy. The man she truly loved.
The relief that she’d confessed about her past was enormous. She’d learned a lot from the time she’d spent with Billy and she didn’t want to make the same mistakes again. This time round things would be different. Never again would May be as needy as she had been with Billy. If she and Richard were to have a future, it would be on level footing.
‘When we get off the ferry let’s go to your rooms.’ She stroked his cheek and felt his prickly stubble.
He hesitated. ‘I… it’s late, sweetheart and you always study when you go back home to the hospital. I don’t want you overdoing things, especially now…’ He snuggled his head into her neck. ‘…when you’re carrying our child.’ He patted her abdomen.
He tilted her face towards him and kissed her, such a long sensual and hungry kiss that May was surprised he didn’t want to go back to his rooms to satisfy it. Briefly, she wondered why, but then a couple came up the ferry’s steps and sat on the wooden seat opposite them.
Richard pulled away and she sat up. They lapsed into a comfortable silence for a while.
When they arrived back at Shields and the ferry bumped the landing, Richard held her tight. Chains rattled as the huge wooden gangplank went down and folk started to hurry off the gangway to their destination; Richard guided May off the boat, and held her tight around the waist as though she might disappear before his very eyes.
As they waited at the bus stop for the trolley to take her back to the hospital, May remembered something.
‘You never told me what it was you wanted to say.’
The atmosphere filled with hesitation and… apprehension? Richard gazed at her as though heavy thoughts plagued his mind. In the dimming light, she saw clarification shine in his eyes, as if he’d finally made up his mind about something.
‘It’ll keep. You’ll know soon enough.’
The trolleybus arrived and May didn’t get the chance to pursue the matter. They boarded the trolley and talked of inconsequential things.
When they arrived at their stop, Richard hesitated.
‘This is as far as I go.’
Suddenly she felt uncertain. ‘I wish we could kiss goodnight.’
‘May, promise me you’ll never tell anyone about you and me.’
‘Richard, is something wrong?’
Intuition told her there was. Maybe tonight’s revelation was just sinking in and his mind was reeling.
‘Everything’s fine. I feel so right about… what’s happening, kiddo.’
May went cold at hearing the name Billy had always called her coming from Richard’s mouth.
She needed to feel secure. She sank against Richard’s chest and inhaled the masculine smell of him. But the niggle of uncertainty wouldn’t go away.
Richard pulled away and began to leave.
‘Goodnight, darling May. Always remember I love you.’
Then he was gone.
* * *
At breakfast next morning, May stood with the other nurses on duty around the table waiting for Matron and Home Sister to enter.
‘We will say the Lord’s prayer,’ Matron said as she did every morning, taking her place at the top end of the table.
Afterwards Matron gave out notices and told those unfortunate nurses who she was required to reprimand to wait outside her office door after breakfast. Fortunately, May was not one of them.
‘You may sit,’ Matron told them as she took her seat. May, acutely aware of Matron and Home Sister eyeing her as they spoke, was suspicious that they knew about her pregnancy. Maybe when she had vomited in the lavatory someone had heard and reported her – but surely not. May was just being overly anxious.
Her intention was to work as long as she possibly could but that would depend on how long she could hide her bump. The reality that a baby was physically growing inside her shocked her momentarily. But it was Richard’s baby. And Richard would propose, of that May was certain. They’d have to speak seriously soon about the practicalities of the future. May acknowledged how she felt; she was more than a little afraid. She didn’t know how they’d manage and, if she were truthful, she was devastated at giving up her dream of qualifying as a State Registered Nurse. But maybe, like Maureen when she had left to become a nun, May was starting out on another dream. The dream of a home, husband and babies. A home filled with the love she had been deprived of because of Dad and Billy. The thought of Maureen lingered on, and May was grateful she had a life to plan for. When the war was over, she and Richard could move away and he could find a job and build houses like he wanted to. No one need know about his background. But in her heart she knew this would never be an option. For Richard was principled and would never run away from a tricky situation. That wasn’t his way.
A maid placed a dish of porridge in front of May and she attempted to eat a few mouthfuls but refused the stodgy national bread and margarine.
Shortages were cutting in more than ever; May’s allowance of butter was only two ounces a week and though she was allowed one egg she hadn’t seen one for the past fortnight. May thought of the farm in Allendale, the plentiful eggs on the table. She was glad for Derek’s sake. At the thought of her son May felt suddenly teary. How she wished she could tell him he was about to become a bi
g brother. In her mind’s eye May’s new dream now was for her family to include Derek and for them to be a foursome.
She came back to reality and looked around the table.
Despite the war and shortages, folk got on with their lives, she thought as she watched nurses munch into their bread and margarine. The usual British good humour prevailed around the table and that was what made the difference – there was always someone to give you a laugh if you got down. Death was part of life in this war-torn world and everyone had – or knew someone who had – lost a loved one. And at this sobering thought, May’s problems seemed small in comparison.
As she thought of the future, May’s optimism grew. If what folk were saying was true, the long-awaited Allied invasion of Europe could soon become a reality.
* * *
That day, May worked a busy shift in Casualty. She wasn’t planning to see Richard that night as they both worked a late shift. She wished she could though, especially after her revelation last night and his wonderful reaction. She wanted to discuss his thoughts about the future.
May worked till two p.m., had the afternoon off and then went back at five to Casualty for the evening shift. She should, by rights, have had a kip that afternoon as she’d been kept awake for a large part of the night listening to the drone of Allied aeroplanes roaring overhead as they returned home. At one point May had been alarmed because one of the aeroplanes’ engines didn’t sound right and she was concerned for the pilot and crew. Her thoughts automatically went to the possible injuries the crew might be afflicted with if there was a crash landing. Her mind fully awake, May started to wonder how many engines bombers had and resolved to look it up in the morning.
The next day, her morning off, she decided to walk to Richard’s flat as it was such amazingly hot weather for the time of year. She’d compared rotas earlier in the week with Richard and knew that today was his day off.
Walking beneath Westoe Bridges, May passed a young girl pushing a pram with a fringed canopy protecting the baby from the sun. A surge of wellbeing mingled with apprehension overwhelmed May and, as she thought of motherhood, her own mother came to mind. She counted her blessings that she had had the greatest role model to follow.
She walked on and, coming to the top of Fowler Street, she passed a mother and small laddie who was eating a carrot on a stick like a lollipop. Ice cream was practically non-existent these days, so it was the next best thing and far healthier than a lollipop, though given the choice she knew what the child would prefer.
Carrying on into Ocean Road, she turned into Salmon Street, and her heart rose at the idea of seeing Richard and the thought that they could start making plans for the future. A tingle of excitement rippling through her was replaced immediately by a stab of anxiety as nurse training again surfaced in her mind. May knew she was kidding herself. Would she really get over the heartbreak of giving up on her dream?
But there was nothing else she could do. Or was there? A forgotten thought returned to the forefront of her mind. She’d heard somewhere that there was a hospital that provided a nursery where you could leave your baby while you worked. This was something May was determined to look into, but for the time being, she’d concentrate on the present.
Arriving at the flat, she opened the front door with the key Ernie had kindly made for her. She couldn’t wait to see Richard.
As sunlight shone along the passage from the fanlight in the front door, May made her way to the stairs.
The downstairs door opened and Ernie stood there.
‘A word, lass.’ May tried to analyse the look on his face – pity, sorrow. Dread, like a heavy rock, weighed in her stomach. ‘I’ve something to tell you.’
* * *
May refused Ernie’s offer to go into his living room.
‘Please, just tell me what’s happened. Is it Richard?’
‘Aye lass, he’s gone.’ His sorrowful gaze met hers. ‘He left a note pushed under the door. It said he wouldn’t be back and there was a couple of pound notes for the rent he owed.’
No! May’s mind screamed.
Ernie shook his head. ‘I thought I knew the bloke. The least he could do was to tell us to me face he was goin’.’
‘I’m pregnant,’ she heard herself saying.
Ernie appeared to reel. ‘The bastard. Mebbes he is the rotten coward everyone says.’
May turned and started back along the passage.
‘Lass, don’t go. Not like this. You’re in shock. Stay for—’
May hurried along the passageway and banged the front door behind her.
* * *
She couldn’t remember how she got there but May found herself at Pier Parade.
She walked along the pavement and, looking along the sweeping arm of the mile-long pier towards the lighthouse, she saw silhouetted, minuscule figures looking over the rail into the calm waters of the harbour.
Nostalgia washed over May as she remembered Dad taking her along the pier when she was a little girl to see the little dolly – reported to have been stuck in the wet cement when the pier was built in the last century. May could see in her mind’s eye Dad picking her up and the smell of pipe smoke emanating from him as she sat high in his arms. She pined for those family times, when Mam, Dad and her brothers were the mainstay of her life.
Now she had no one.
Tears trickled down her cheeks. She licked the salty water taste on her lips.
She didn’t know whether she was crying about Dad, Mam or because Richard had left her.
She brushed away the tears with the sleeve of her knitted cardigan. May had believed in Richard, loved him, and he in turn, like the others – Billy, Alec – had fooled her.
From far away came the drone of planes, then the sky blackened with Allied bombers that thundered overhead and flew up the coast.
As the bombers became tiny blobs in the sky, May wondered about the crew’s wives, their families, the daily worry they had to endure. The knowledge that maybe their loved ones wouldn’t have a tomorrow.
May drew herself up to her full height and started to walk back to the hospital. She’d a lot of planning for the future to do.
* * *
Back in the Nurses’ Home, May unlocked the door to her room. She’d have to hurry to be on the ward after dinner when her shift began. She noticed an envelope had been shoved under her door.
A flash of hope seized her as she imagined the letter to be from Richard. She picked the envelope up and tore it open but, seeing the writing, disappointment engulfed her.
Dear Miss Robinson,
I’m writing to advise you that Mrs Talbot was involved in an accident some weeks ago and I can’t look after Derek myself.
I’m busy with the farm and visiting my wife in hospital and so I would appreciate it if you could come and collect the lad as soon as you can. The bombing is not so fierce I have read and so the young chap should be safe back in his hometown.
I hope this doesn’t cause too much inconvenience.
Your faithful servant,
Alfred Talbot
As she folded the letter, May’s hands shook. What was she going to do?
* * *
The next day, her day off, May set off to visit the farm in Allendale. She hoped to convince Mr Talbot to allow Derek to stay until she’d made alternative arrangements. She hadn’t sent a letter because, in all probability, she’d be there before it arrived.
The journey was uneventful except that she missed the bus at Hexham and had to wait an hour before the next Allendale bus arrived.
It was a warm day in May with a blank grey sky. May trekked up the familiar steep gravelled hill. The scene was devoid of magic now as May tried to foresee what difficulty she’d have to deal with at the farm. Did Mr Talbot expect her to take Derek home immediately? If so, what would she do? With little money left from her pay to rent a room, even if she were granted permission to leave the hospital, there was nowhere to go.
She decided she must talk
to Matron and explain the situation – maybe she could think of a solution. But the very idea of discussing her problem made May shudder.
But first she’d ask Mr Talbot if he could give her a few days to work something out.
As she walked up the dusty path the scene that met her eyes was the same: the stone farmhouse on the rise of the hill, the strutting hens, the geese in the courtyard, which May bravely shooed away, the same dreadful dungy stench that seemed worse in the heat of the afternoon. At least May was wearing sensible lace-up brogues this time.
She knocked on the door and an elderly gentleman opened it. From the bowels of the house she heard the terrier yapping.
Mr Talbot was a small, thin man with an impatient air, probably because he was anxious about his wife. His weather-beaten face had white crow’s feet from years of wrinkling his eyes in the sun.
‘Mr Talbot?’
‘Who wants to know?’
‘I’m May Robinson.’
His face visibly relaxed. Holding out a gnarled hand, he said, ‘Come in. Thanks for comin’ so prompt. I’m glad to see you.’
The unkempt living room didn’t look the same. In the gloomy, dusty room there was paraphernalia on most of the chairs – newspapers and clean clothes that looked as if they’d been taken off the clothes line, and the table was littered with unwashed dishes and condiments. The air, however, still held a heady country smell of grass and freshness.
‘Quiet, Spot,’ Mr Talbot yelled and firmly shut the room door.
The yapping stopped.
Mr Talbot surveyed the room and shook his head in despair. ‘The place didn’t look like this when the wife was here.’
‘I’m sorry to hear Mrs Talbot is ill,’ May told him.
The old man’s eyes shimmered with tears. ‘She’s gone,’ he said. ‘Passed away yesterday.’
May didn’t know what to say but then her heart went out to Mr Talbot and Derek; the poor lad had lost two mother figures in close successions and May worried about his state of mind.
Our Last Goodbye: An absolutely gripping and emotional World War 2 historical novel Page 23