By the time they sat down to tea, Fifi noticed that two red blotches had sprung up on her mother’s cheeks, a sure sign she was boiling up to a rage. Fifi had no idea how to defuse the situation, for Dan was doing his best to be open, friendly and appreciative.
‘Another piece of cake, Dan?’ Clara asked towards the end of tea. She had pushed the boat out, showing off with home-cooked ham and salad, scones, cakes and trifle, and now she had the silver cake knife poised above the remains of the iced chocolate cake.
‘I’d like to relieve you of it, but I haven’t got any more room,’ Dan said.
Fifi groaned inwardly. She knew her mother wouldn’t take that in the spirit in which it was intended. Sure enough, she finally snapped.
‘It’s one of my best recipes, made with four eggs,’ she said indignantly, her voice rising. ‘I certainly don’t need “relieving” of it, young man.’
‘He wasn’t being rude about your cake,’Patty said quickly. ‘He meant he loved it, but he hadn’t got room for any more. Isn’t that right, Dan?’
‘Yes, of course. I’m sorry if it came out all wrong, Mrs Brown,’ Dan said apologetically.
‘Every single thing you say comes out all wrong,’ she snarled back at him. ‘I’ve never met such an ignorant, cocky person as you.’
For a second there was complete silence in the dining room. Patty, Peter and Robin all stared at their mother in shock. Even their father looked stunned.
Fifi leaped to her feet so quickly she made all the china on the table rattle. ‘And you are the rudest person I’ve ever met,’ she spat at her mother. ‘Come on, Dan, we’ll go now.’
Dan didn’t leap up; he rose from his chair calmly and slowly, wiping his lips on the napkin and placing it back on the table. His wide smile was gone and he looked devastated. ‘If I seem ignorant and cocky, then I’m sorry,’ he said, his voice a little shaky. ‘But you’d decided I wasn’t good enough for Fifi before you even met me, hadn’t you?’
Dan only let Fifi go as far as the bus stop with him. There he kissed her goodbye and said she was to go home, despite her protestations. He knew that if she stayed out with him for the evening, it would only be more difficult for her when she returned. He also needed to be alone.
After waving goodbye to Fifi as the bus pulled away, he climbed up the stairs, got his cigarettes out of his pocket and lit one up. He felt sick with disappointment that the tea party had gone so badly wrong.
He hadn’t expected the Browns to be overly welcoming. Fifi had said enough about her mother to give him the idea that she was something of a snob. He had been very aware of his rough accent, terrified that he’d slip up and lick his knife, or drop the dainty china tea cup. He knew he’d put Mrs Brown’s back up when he joked about that ballet dancer, but he hadn’t for one moment expected such vicious spite. He drew deeply on his cigarette and wondered what he should do.
He’d never been that struck on invitations to girlfriends’ homes, and if anyone else had been like that to him, he would’ve said something cutting, then left, letting the girl decide whether it was to be him or her parents she cared about.
But Fifi was different. Right from the day he’d shared her table in that tea shop, he knew she was special. It wasn’t just her looks, though he loved her silky blonde hair, those soft brown eyes and her slender yet shapely figure. She was different to other girls; she didn’t rabbit on about her job, clothes or old boyfriends and, like him, lived for the moment. He knew perfectly well when she showed him where Gloucester Road was that it wasn’t on her way home. She just wanted to make sure he found somewhere to live, and meanwhile get to know him better.
He loved the way she asked stuff like whether he’d got enough blankets on his bed or had had a proper dinner. When he had a bad cough she brought him medicine and told him he must wear a scarf when the wind was cold. She was thoughtful too about his money, never asking for the most expensive thing on the menu or expecting the best seats in the cinema.
Kissing her was like glimpsing heaven, and just the touch of her hand made him feel he’d lie down and die for her. But it was far more than fancying her like crazy. She’d filled all the lonely, empty places inside him; she made him think he could do anything, be anyone he wanted to be. He loved her classiness, her poise and warmth. But she wasn’t tough; she might insist he meant more to her than her parents, but once that mother of hers started to put the screws on, he doubted she’d be able to cope.
It was already difficult enough for them, for they had no place where they could go to be alone together. Snogging in doorways and bus shelters soon lost its appeal, especially when it was cold or wet.
Fifi had made it quite clear that she intended to remain a virgin until she got married, and he respected her for that, even if in the past he’d always got his way with girls. He wanted her desperately; sex was on his mind from first thing in the morning till he went to sleep, but because he loved her, he’d been prepared to wait.
But today he’d seen that her parents would never welcome him as a son-in-law. Fifi might be old enough not to need their consent and perhaps she’d say she didn’t care about getting their blessing either. But he wouldn’t feel right about that; in a few years’ time it might come as a wedge between them.
He was left in a no-win situation. He wanted her for ever, and he supposed too that he really wanted to be part of her family.
Her brothers were okay, a bit dopey and lacking in any sparkle, but they might have improved after a couple of pints. Patty was every bit as sweet as Fifi said; she didn’t have any side to her. As for her father, well, Dan had soon worked out how he could win him over, because he wasn’t practical; he could’ve fixed the swaying back-garden fences for him, mended the roof on their summer house, and rebuilt the front-garden wall which was crumbling. Brainy blokes always appreciated anyone who could do such jobs.
But her mother was a very different kettle of fish. It wasn’t just that she wanted Fifi to have a husband out of the top drawer, there was something much more behind her attitude. Dan would lay money on the fact that Clara married Harry Brown because her parents virtually selected him for her. She’d had four children in about six or seven years, probably never even enjoyed sex, and now when she saw her beautiful elder daughter in love she was probably riddled with jealousy.
The funny thing was that he felt for her. Clara had obviously been a very good mother, but now her children were all of an age where they would leave home, perhaps she was getting panicky about what she’d be left with. She was still quite young and very attractive, but if she’d never had any great passion, or even much fun, who could really blame her for thinking she’d been cheated?
Twice this afternoon she’d alluded to how difficult Fifi had been when she was little, which suggested Clara had never quite got over it. He’d wanted to ask her about it, but he hadn’t quite dared. Fifi seemed to enjoy knowing she’d been such a pain, and that probably made the situation worse. Dan could see there were many issues that needed thrashing out between them, but sadly they were both equally stubborn and so he suspected they would never resolve their differences.
Dan wondered what was going on now. Clara could hardly ban Fifi from seeing him. He didn’t think she’d be stupid enough to throw her out either, for she’d know Fifi would run straight to him. So all that was left was to give her the cold shoulder in an attempt to wear her down.
He sighed deeply. As a kid he’d had plenty of that kind of treatment, which was worse than being given a good hiding. And, as he remembered, it worked. In a few weeks Fifi would be putty in her mother’s hands.
*
‘It’s only a shower. It’ll stop soon,’ Dan said optimistically. He wasn’t that worried by the heavy rain, but he was concerned that Fifi hadn’t said a word since they’d taken shelter under a large tree. He was afraid she was about to tell him that she didn’t want to see him any more.
The awful tea party was months ago, and there were times when Dan wished he’d s
tuck to his guns when he had tried to end it a few days later. He had felt then that it would be best for Fifi as her mother wasn’t ever going to accept him, and in the long run that would split them up anyway.
But Fifi had been adamant that her parents would come round before long, and that if they didn’t she’d leave home anyway. Dan had wanted to believe her on both counts, but it was the end of August now, and they were no further on. Clara Brown hadn’t budged an inch, and Fifi hadn’t moved out.
As far as Dan was concerned, as long as Fifi loved him and he could still see her, he was content. But as the weeks passed he could tell she was growing more and more unhappy, however well she tried to hide it.
He guessed, though Fifi made light of it, that her mother was constantly on her back. On several Sunday mornings when he’d met her she’d had puffy eyes and a blotchy face and he knew that there had been a row at home the night before.
He could see she wasn’t sleeping well as she often had shadows under her eyes; she picked at food and she had lost weight. He couldn’t bear the thought that she was suffering because of him.
She had cut herself off from all her old friends. While this was partly because she wanted to be with him rather than with them, the main reason was because she felt she couldn’t trust them. It seemed that one or two of them had passed a few confidences on to their mothers, and in turn they’d been repeated to Clara. Fifi felt betrayed by such disloyalty. Her brothers had accused her of causing trouble at home, and now the only person she had left on her side was Patty.
Today they’d come out to Leigh Woods for a walk. It had been bright sunshine when they got off the bus by the Suspension Bridge, but as soon as they entered the woods the heavens opened. Dan felt she was brooding now, almost certainly thinking that her whole life had gone wrong since she met him.
‘A penny for them,’ he said lightly, putting his arms around her and drawing her closer to him.
‘They aren’t worth a farthing,’ she said glumly.
‘That bad, eh?’ he said. ‘Can’t we try doing magic eyes and see what that does?’
‘I’ve tried that on Mum, but even if I could remove her snobbishness, tweak her suspicious nature and paint her dark soul sparkling white, I’d still be left with a carping dragon,’ she said, trying hard to smile.
‘I didn’t mean doing magic eyes on her,’ Dan said. ‘I meant the other possibilities, like you getting a flat with some other girls. Or you just thinking about getting a bedsitter again. Just think how good it would be if we had somewhere nice to be alone together.’
‘Umm,’ Fifi murmured, burying her head in his chest. There was hardly an hour in the day when she didn’t wish she was brave enough to throw all caution to the wind and get a room somewhere. She told Dan that her reasons for not doing so were because of the cost, because she was afraid of burning all her bridges with her family, and even that she was nervous of living alone. But while they were all considerations, they were also excuses, for her real reason for not leaving home was because she knew that the moment she was alone with Dan they would become lovers.
She dreamed of little else, she wanted him more than life itself, but she was afraid of what that might bring. Two girls from her school had had to get married because they were pregnant. She’d seen the hardships they’d had to go through, and their parents’ disappointment, and she’d always vowed it would never happen to her. While she no longer cared about disappointing her parents, or even infuriating them, she certainly wasn’t inclined to give her mother any further ammunition to shoot Dan down with. Nor did she want to start married life under a cloud.
It was intolerable at home now. There was no let-up in her mother’s digs about Dan and her comments that Fifi was making the biggest mistake of her life. Mostly she managed to ignore her, but every now and then Fifi would retaliate, and it turned into a full-scale row. Each time it happened she was shocked by her mother’s venom; anyone overhearing her would assume that Dan was a serial criminal, or had done something unspeakable to Clara. The only way to avoid these scenes was to stay out as much as possible.
All through this summer she had lived for the time spent with Dan, yet happy as they were together, the strain of knowing she’d have to go back home at night often spoiled the good times. Fifi had used all her ingenuity to find things to do together at the weekends that didn’t cost much – picnics, long walks, a day trip to Weston-super-Mare or Bath. But when the weather was bad they were still stuck with pubs or the cinema.
Now it was raining again, here they were in a sopping-wet wood, and once more she was hiding what was really going on to spare Dan’s feelings. She had cut herself off from her friends and her family because she loved him. But she didn’t think she could live this way much longer.
‘Give me a kiss then, I’ll cheer you up,’ he said, tilting her face up to his.
As always when Dan kissed her, Fifi was immediately aroused, and as his hands slid up beneath her blouse, groping for her bra fastening, she found herself arching against him, wanting the thrill of his touch. But she also knew what came with it; they became more and more excited, and when she was forced to back away, they were both left with a feeling of let-down.
‘Don’t, Dan,’ she murmured, pushing his hands away from her breasts, but remaining glued to him.
‘I’m only human, Fifi,’ he said with a sigh. ‘I can’t think about anything else but touching you.’
Fifi wriggled away from him and got up from the ground, shaking off the damp leaves stuck to her skirt.
‘What are we going to do?’ she asked angrily. ‘We spend all our time wandering around with nowhere to go. It’s going to get even worse when winter comes. Couldn’t we just get married and be done with it all?’
Dan got up and came up behind her, putting his arms around her waist and kissing the back of her neck. ‘We could, but what about your parents?’
‘I really don’t care what they think any more,’ Fifi sighed. The truth was that she felt she hated her mother now, but she couldn’t bring herself to admit it openly. ‘It’s my life; I should be able to marry anyone I want. If they can’t be happy with that, then there’s something wrong with them.’
‘We could go to the registry office and book a date,’ Dan said. ‘Maybe if you just told them when it was, they’d come round?’
Fifi shook her head. ‘I could imagine my mum locking me in the bedroom on the day. If we were to do it, it would have to be in secret and we’d tell them afterwards.’
Even in her most desperate moments, this option had never presented itself, but the moment she’d said the words, she suddenly realized it was the answer to everything. She turned in Dan’s arms, took his face between her two hands and smiled. ‘Let’s do it! What’s to stop us? As soon as we’ve booked it – I think you have to give three weeks’ notice – we could find a flat for us ready to move in afterwards.’ All at once she was so excited that ideas came spilling out. ‘Wouldn’t it be lovely to have a home of our own? Me cooking for you, you doing the place up. We wouldn’t waste so much money on going out for meals and drinks, we’d be snug as bugs all through the winter!’
Her excitement was infectious and Dan caught it. ‘I can’t think of anything better than waking up with you in the morning and coming home again at night to you,’ he said, his eyes shining. ‘We could save so much money if we didn’t have to keep spending it on pictures and pubs.’
‘I’ve got about thirty pounds in the bank now,’ Fifi said excitedly. ‘That’s more than enough to buy some bed linen, crockery and stuff. Let’s go down to the registry office now and ask about it!’
Dan kissed her. ‘It’s still pouring,’ he reminded her, amused at her impetuosity. ‘And they’ll be really busy on a Saturday anyway. You could go in on Monday in your lunch hour. I don’t suppose we need anything more than our birth certificates.’
Fifi’s face clouded over for a moment, as she remembered her mother kept the whole family’s in a box in her bedro
om.
‘Problem?’ Dan asked.
‘I’ll have to raid Mum’s special box. But that’s okay, I expect I can do it on Sunday while she’s getting the lunch ready. But what about you? Have you got one?’
He nodded. ‘Yeah, they gave me that, a bible and a fiver when I left the children’s home. I’ve got the distinction of having two unknown parents. I was registered by the police, I think. I suppose one of them named me.’
Fifi looked at him askance. Even though she knew he’d been abandoned as a baby, it hadn’t occurred to her what that really meant, or that his name had just been made up by someone else.
‘Don’t look like that,’ he said, and laughed. ‘It could have been worse; they could have called me Oliver Twist or something.’
‘I wonder why your mother left you,’ she said thoughtfully.
‘Lack of money, I expect.’ He sighed. ‘It was 1937, the Depression and all that. I was only a couple of days old, so she must have been absolutely desperate. The police never traced her, so that suggests she had me all alone.’
Fifi shuddered. Just the thought of giving birth alone, without help, was too ghastly to dwell on, let alone thinking about his mother’s state of mind. ‘Oh, Dan,’ she said softly, stroking his cheek tenderly. ‘Poor you!’
‘Poor me?’ he chuckled. ‘With someone as lovely as you going to be my wife? But you’ve got to give it some more thought, Fifi. It’s a huge step, and you’ve got to be sure you want to do it for something more than putting two fingers up to your mother.’
‘That’s not why I want to do it,’ she insisted, but laughed because she knew it was the ultimate revenge. ‘It’s only because I love you too much to want to waste any more time.’
‘Even if your parents cut you off for ever?’
A Lesser Evil Page 4