Ash moved so fast, one of his hands was on my cheek and his lips were on mine before I could even take my next breath. There was nothing soft and sweet or slow about it as his fingers splayed across my face. His kiss branded me within seconds, and I responded without hesitation, without thought. I gripped the front of his tunic and I kissed him back just as fiercely.
He shuddered and then rose, bracing his weight on his other hand as he came over me. Our bodies didn’t touch, but he kept me right there, propped against the mountain of pillows as my senses spun. His tongue rolled over mine, and a primitive sound rumbled from him as I followed suit.
He lifted his head, breathing heavily. “You know what the hardest part is, liessa? I don’t even know why I’m fighting this need. You would have me, wouldn’t you?”
“Yes,” I whispered without a hint of shame or guilt. It was the truth, even if there was no deal, no duty to be carried out. And that should’ve terrified me.
“I would have you.” His lips coasted over mine. A tremble coursed through me as the tips of his fingers trailed down the side of my throat and over my shoulder. “You would have me.”
Those fingers followed the vee of the robe, gliding over the swell of my breast. “Yes.”
“Then why can’t we?” His thumb swept over the pebbled nipple as he cupped my breast. “It doesn’t have to complicate things. It would probably make this agreement between us easier,” he mused as his hand slipped lower, away from my throbbing breast and down the slope of my belly. “Maybe then I wouldn’t have to worry about you wandering off into the Red Woods.”
“I didn’t wander on purpose,” I said, pulse thrumming.
“No. Just unintentionally.” He nipped at my lips as his hand slid between the halves of the robe. The feel of his cool flesh against my lower stomach caused me to gasp. “Open your legs for me, liessa.”
I obeyed.
“Will this be the only time you actually do what I ask without a fight?”
“Probably.”
Ash’s chuckle teased my lips, his cool fingers slipping between my thighs, wringing a gasp from me. “Fuck,” he rasped, his lips brushing mine. “You are so gloriously wet.” He dragged his finger through the wetness in slow, teasing strokes and then eased it into me. I moaned, tugging on his shirt. “And you make such glorious sounds. They are like a song.”
My body quivered as his finger began to move. I started to move my hips, but his hand stilled. “Don’t.” He lifted his head, and waited until I opened my eyes. “Don’t move, liessa.” He eased his finger back in, as deep as it could go. “You may feel fine, but your body has been through a lot today.”
“I don’t think I can stay still.” My blood thrummed as his thumb swept over the bundle of nerves.
“Then we stop.” Ash’s gaze locked onto mine, and he added another finger, stretching me. “You don’t get to come on my fingers, and I don’t get to taste you again. You don’t want me to stop, do you?”
“No.” I fisted his tunic.
“Then don’t move.”
Heart thundering, I watched him sit back. His gaze left mine and traveled slowly down, over the shallow rise and fall of my chest to where the robe had parted at my navel. He could see the most intimate part of me, and this was nothing like the moonlight-drenched bank of the lake, or even when he’d stood behind me in the bathing chamber. There was no hiding anything. Not that I wanted to. Not even because I was completely at his will and trying everything to stay still as he moved his fingers faster, swirling his thumb over the throbbing bundle of nerves. I watched him watching himself—his long, slick fingers thrusting between my spread thighs. I had never seen anything so…erotic in my entire life.
My body coiled tight as a breathy moan parted my lips. My hips jerked, and Ash clasped them, his fingers pressing into the flesh, holding me still. A quake hit me.
“That’s it.” His voice was almost guttural, a tone I’d never heard from him before. “I can feel you.”
His avid focus scorched my skin, turning my blood to liquid fire. Every point of my body seemed to tighten all at once. His fingers pumped inside me, and I started to shake. He let out a hoarse groan as I came apart, lost in the ripples of pleasure as my head fell back once more. Bliss swept through me, easing the taut muscles and clearing my thoughts. I didn’t become nothing, not in the way I was painfully familiar with. Not in the way that made me feel alone, unworthy and inhuman. Me. Whoever I was. But I was present, and the soft touch of Ash’s lips against mine was a reminder of that.
I was still there as he eased his hand from me and lifted it. I caught a teasing glimpse of his fangs as he drew his fingers into his mouth. My entire body reacted at the sight, clenching.
A grin appeared as he lowered his hand and then his mouth, kissing me, this time softly, slowly. There was something sweet about the shallow, almost tentative kisses. They were also wicked because I tasted myself on his lips.
I continued to sink into the pillows, body boneless as his mouth left mine. He brushed a strand of hair back from my face. “Thirty-six.”
My eyes fluttered open. “What?”
“Freckles,” he said, his cheeks…pinker than usual. “You have thirty-six of them on your face.”
That strange, whirring sensation surged through my chest. “You actually counted them?”
“I did.” Ash rocked back. “I did the first day you were here. I counted them again to make sure I was correct. I was.” He fixed the loosened tie of my robe. “I really hope there’s no doubt left when it comes to my interest in you.”
“There’s not.”
“Good.”
And it was good. I should feel good. His attraction to me was very real. It was a step in the direction I needed to take. Still, unease bubbled.
His gaze lifted to mine, and the slow swirl of eather had an almost hypnotic effect. “I need to clean up and change.”
My brows knitted, and I started to ask why when he rose and I saw that his breeches were darker at his hip and pelvis. The material appeared damp. Had he…found release? My eyes shot to his. I hadn’t touched him. He hadn’t even touched himself.
A lopsided grin appeared on his full lips. “As I said, I hope there’s no doubt about my interest.”
I was at a loss for words as he walked to the doors joining our chambers. Ash stopped and looked back at me. “I’ll be back.”
I said nothing when he turned the deadbolt and opened the door, disappearing into the darkness of his chambers. Dumbly, I watched him close the doors, thinking it was strange that a lock and a too-thin sheet of wood separated our chambers.
Closing my eyes, I sank into the pillows. I didn’t think he’d come back, and right now, that was probably for the best. I didn’t…feel right. It had to be the whiskey and whatever was in that potion.
The soft click of a door a few minutes later drew my eyes open. I looked over, any and all thoughts fizzling upon sight of Ash.
He had cleaned up and changed, wearing some sort of loose black pants and a white shirt, the sleeves rolled up, and the collar left open. His hair was damp and pushed back from the striking lines of his face.
And he had come back.
Like he’d said he would.
My heart started thundering, beating so fast.
Ash stopped at the edge of the bed. “I know you should rest. I know I should…let you be, but I…” His chest rose with a deep breath. “If it’s okay with you, I would just like to be here with you. That’s all. Just be here.”
Throat dry and stomach dipping, I nodded. “That’s okay with me.”
He didn’t move for what felt like an eternity, and it made me wonder if he had thought I would refuse him. But then he eased his long body onto the bed beside me. He was on his side, facing me, and I might’ve stopped breathing as his gaze met mine.
“You okay?” he asked after a few moments had passed.
“Yes,” I rasped.
One eyebrow rose. “You sure?”
&
nbsp; “Uh-huh.”
He grinned. “You appear frozen.”
“Do I?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t mean to.” My cheeks warmed. “I just…I’ve never lain with someone before.”
“Really?” Doubt crept into his voice. “I assumed you had.”
“No—wait.” My eyes widened. “You mean have sex? Yes. I’ve done that.” I stiffened. “Does that bother you?”
“No.” He laughed, letting one hand rest in the space between us. “Then what do you mean?”
“I mean I’ve never lain in bed with someone. Slept or rested beside them,” I explained. “Ever.”
“Neither have I.” His eyes were a soft gray, the pulse of eather muted behind his pupils.
“Slept beside someone?”
“That. Or anything really. Not with Veses. Not with anyone. I’ve never lain with anyone before.”
Even though I suspected he didn’t have much experience based on what he’d said at the lake, shock still rippled through me. I would’ve thought he had some experience. “Why?” I asked and then immediately cringed. “I’m sorry. That’s probably not any of my business—”
“I think it is,” he said, and there was that damn, strange whirl again. He picked up the tail of my braid from where it had fallen on my arm. “I don’t know. I just never really…let anything get to that point. It seemed too much of a risk to become close to anyone.”
A sharp slice of sorrow cut through my chest, unwanted but there. It could be because of the other Primals, but I thought it had a lot more to do with what’d happened to his parents.
I thought of the gods on the wall.
I thought of how Nektas was the only one I’d heard call him Ash. I had no idea if that symbolized anything or not, but he’d said it was a risk to become close to anyone.
“You have friends,” I said. “Ector? Rhain? Saion—”
He looked over at me as he drew his thumb over my braid. “They are loyal guards. I trust them.”
I was willing to bet that even though he’d referred to Lathan as a friend, it was probably nothing more than a word to him—no actual meaning behind it. The back of my throat burned as I stared at the scar on his chin. His life seemed as lonely as mine.
And maybe that was why I asked what I did. A question I wasn’t sure I wanted the answer to, even if I needed it. “Why are you taking that risk now?”
Thick lashes lifted, and steel-gray eyes pierced mine. “Because I can’t seem to stop myself, even though I know better. Even though I know I’ll probably end up hating myself for it. Even though you will probably end up hating me.”
Chapter 31
“You can do it,” Aios cheered, hands clasped together under her chin. “Just jump.”
The purplish-black draken teetered on the edge of the boulder, his leathery wings arced high. I held my breath as Reaver jumped into the air, lifting his wings. Below the boulder, Jadis wiggled her green-and-brown body in an excited circle. Reaver dipped precariously, and both Aios and I stepped forward until he swooped above our heads with a trill of victory.
“Thank gods,” I muttered, exhaling heavily as he rose and glided. I watched Reaver sweep through the air, half afraid that he would fall for no reason. “I don’t think I’ve been more stressed in my entire life.”
Aios laughed softly as she brushed a coppery strand of hair over a shoulder. “Same.” She glanced over at me. “How are you feeling today?”
“I feel fine.” Jadis chirped, rushing across the ground of the courtyard, kicking up gray dust as she followed Reaver. I glanced down at my arm. “The scratches are barely even noticeable.”
“You’re lucky to have received the antidote when you did,” Aios noted, watching the draken. “A few more minutes, and it could’ve been too late.”
I nodded absently, my thoughts immediately finding their way to my bedchamber and to Ash. The emotions that pinged through me ran the gamut. Everything from that strange whirring sensation to a deep-rooted feeling of unease. I’d fallen asleep beside him the night before. I didn’t know exactly when it had happened. Silence had fallen between us as he continued toying with my braid. I wasn’t sure how long he remained at my side. He’d been gone when I woke, but his scent lingered on the pillows and sheets. I thought perhaps he’d spent the entire night with me.
And that was a good sign—a great one.
I nibbled on my lower lip as I turned back to Aios and the draken. The goddess had shown that morning with breakfast—one that she ate with me in my chambers. Afterward, she’d asked if I wanted to join her on a walk. Somehow, we’d ended up out here with the draken, and I wondered if Ash had something to do with that. If he had told Aios that I didn’t need space. I didn’t ask because that seemed like a rather awkward conversation. Besides, I still couldn’t believe I’d admitted to feeling as if I’d done something to deserve being alone.
Fucking whiskey.
Jadis took off across the courtyard, apparently attempting to gain enough speed to take flight, something she had already tried several times. Aios went after her as Reaver landed a bit roughly by the boulder. He watched me from several feet away, his eyes narrowed. There was a thoughtful look about him, an almost wary one. I extended a hand toward him as Jadis peeked at him from behind one of my legs. Reaver tilted his head to the side as he tucked his wings back.
“Not very trusting, are you?” I remarked, lowering my hand as my thoughts returned to yesterday.
I flicked my gaze back to Aios. She had snagged Jadis by the arm, guiding the stomping draken away from the too-high boulder. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“It’s about the Primal, Veses,” I said, and Aios stiffened a bit as Reaver took flight again. “I got the impression that no one here likes her, and Ash said that she was the worst sort. Did she have anything to do with the gods on the wall?”
A breeze whirled through the courtyard, picking up and tossing the strands of her hair as she let go of Jadis’s arm and straightened. “No, she did not as far as I know, but she is…not well regarded by many in the Shadowlands. She can be rather vindictive when angered or ignored.” Aios laughed, but it was a tight sound. “Have you ever met someone who feels they are entitled to whatever they want? That is Veses. And that entitlement extends to people. Many gods or goddesses would enjoy being the object of her affections. And many do.” She turned to me, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “But she will fixate on what she perceives she cannot have. And if she is unsuccessful in achieving that, she can be very resentful.”
“And she wants Ash?” I surmised.
“Only because he has never shown her that type of attention,” she answered. “To her, it’s personal. Even though he’s never shown interest in anyone until you.”
Until you.
My stomach dipped at the exact moment my heart jumped. I ignored both reactions. “Has she hurt anyone because of his lack of interest in her?”
“I don’t think so, but she can make things…difficult for him. While she may not be liked by many, she is well-connected.” Her brow creased. “You know, I don’t think she has always been like this. At least, that is what I’ve heard. When I was young, Mycella told me stories about Veses—about how giving and kind she was, bestowing good fortune on gods and mortals, even to those who had not prayed to her for such. She’s very old. Far past the time for her to rest, so I don’t know if her nature is partly due to living such a long life or what.”
Two things really caught my attention. “Mycella? You mean Ash’s mother?”
She nodded as a faint, sad smile crossed her features. “We were distantly related. Cousins, as mortals would say. One of her aunts or uncles was from the Court of Kithreia. I was very young when she was killed.”
Was that why she felt safe here? Because of her relation to Ash? I glanced down as Jadis hopped onto one of my feet. “What do you mean by rest? Like go to sleep?”
“For some, yes. For others,
it’s more like retiring. You see, Primals can be endless, and that kind of lifespan is even unfathomable to most gods. Though there have been a few who’ve become so powerful that they too are endless. And that amount of time…it can rot the mind.” Aios crossed her arms over her chest as she watched Reaver glide through the air. “To watch the world fall and be rebuilt around you, time after time. To see nothing new. To no longer be surprised and to become so accustomed to loss that even the idea of love is no longer a thrill.”
A wave of tiny bumps erupted along my skin under the black tunic I wore, and I tried to think of what that must be like. To live for so long you’d seen everything.
“The longer a Primal or a god lives, the greater the risk of them becoming more eather than person. Some can handle the endless time better than others, but eventually, it impacts all of us. There are ways to avoid it. One is to enter a deep stasis—to sleep. But very few have ever done that,” she said. “For those who do not wish to sleep, they can enter what we call Arcadia, a place very much like the Vale. A garden, so to speak. It allows for an Ascension of another and peace for the Primal.”
“Is that…another realm?” I asked as Jadis stretched, placing one talon on my other foot. I had no idea what the young draken was doing.
She nodded. “But Veses can’t do that. None of them can.”
I started to ask why when she looked past me, at the palace. A smile returned to her somber features. “Bele.”
Looking over my shoulder, I saw two figures crossing the courtyard, both dressed in black tunics with the fine silver stitching along the collar and across the chest.
The one I assumed was Bele was tall and lithe, her skin a light, golden brown, reminding me of the sparkling sand along the Stroud Sea. Hair the color of midnight lay over her shoulder in a thick braid. Her features were strikingly sharp, her eyes a shade of light, golden brown sparking with the glow of eather. She had a short sword strapped to one hip. I caught the curve of a bow visible over one shoulder.
Beside her was a man with rich, brown skin, his sleeveless tunic tailored to the broad width of his shoulders and chest. His dark hair was cropped close to his head. Something about his handsome features and the impassive set of his mouth was familiar.
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