I had never been held like this for any length of time—not this closely, and not awake or in sleep. I knew I had fallen asleep before he had, which meant that he could’ve woken me. He could’ve carried me back into the bedchamber, or he could’ve left me outside. Instead, he’d pulled the blanket up and over me and slept beside me. Again. But he’d been kissing me until I could no longer keep my eyes open, and I’d never been kissed like that before, either. It was as if he had been unable to stop himself. Like he couldn’t go even one heartbeat without his lips upon mine. I’d never felt so wanted or needed. And that had been how he’d kissed me, as if he needed to do so. He’d kissed me like…like Ezra had looked upon Marisol when she realized that Marisol would be okay.
It felt like something had shifted in the moments before sleep claimed us. Like something was growing between us, making it more than mutual lust. There was respect, and I thought a certain understanding. He may be a Primal, but we were oddly similar in certain ways, and it connected us in a way that the deal his father had brokered didn’t.
Warmth poured into my chest, very much like it had when I used my gift but different and stronger. It was exhilarating and new and…
And it was terrifying.
Because it felt too warm, too real, and too desired. And I couldn’t want this. I may deserve those moments of living and just existing, but I didn’t deserve for those moments to last. Too much rode on me fulfilling my duty to let myself get swept up in being wanted. What I needed to do was more important than me. Than Ash.
Even if he did carry the reminder of so many lost lives on his skin.
A faint ache once again returned to the sides of my face as I lifted my lashes, my gaze falling to where his hand was fisted loosely in the blanket. I reached for him slowly, running my fingertips over the top of his hand, following the tendons and strong bones.
My fingers stilled as something moved—wiggled toward the end of the daybed, against my covered feet. I looked down, and my eyes widened. Curled into a little ball next to my feet was Jadis.
I blinked once and then twice, but the draken was still there, in her neat little ball with her wings tucked close to her body. “What in the world?” I whispered.
“She’s been there for quite some time,” a voice answered quietly.
A shock went through me. My eyes shot to the source of the voice, to the railing on the balcony. What I saw made me wonder if I was still asleep.
Barefoot and shirtless, Nektas crouched on the railing, which seemed impossible given how narrow it was. He appeared completely at ease as if he had no fear of slipping from the railing and falling to his death.
How did he even get up here? His position seemed like an odd choice for someone if they’d come from inside the palace.
“I’ve also been here for quite some time,” he added, his voice low. My brows lifted. “I was looking for my daughter. Figured she’d be wherever he was. I didn’t expect to find you with him.”
I couldn’t even formulate a response.
A shock of dark and red hair fell over his shoulder as he cocked his head to the side. Those eerily beautiful crimson eyes shifted beyond me. “I have never seen him sleep so deeply. Not even when he was just a babe. The slightest sound would wake him.”
Surprise rippled through me as the hand under mine remained relaxed and still. “You knew him then?” I asked, completely unable to picture Ash as a babe.
“I knew his parents. I called them my friends, and I call Ash one of my own,” he answered, head straightening. His gaze caught mine and held it. “I think I will call you one of my own.”
I really had to be asleep. “Why?”
“Because you’ve given him peace.”
Ash woke shortly after the draken jumped from the railing to the ground below. Like an adult, I feigned sleep when he eased his arm out from under me and sat up, lifting himself over me. He paused above me as I lay there. My heart started skipping as his fingertips grazed my cheek, brushing a few stray curls back. Then it stopped altogether when I felt the cool press of his lips against my temple.
That was sweet.
I didn’t want him to be sweet.
I didn’t want Nektas to claim me as his.
I didn’t want to give Ash peace.
“Liessa.” Sleep roughened his voice. “If you continue pretending to be asleep, Jadis will start nibbling on your toes.”
My eyes snapped open. “Yikes.”
His cool breath danced over my cheek as he chuckled. “I hate to disturb your pretend rest.”
“I wasn’t pretending.” I looked up at him, and there was a…softness to his molten silver eyes. Another silly leap occurred in my chest.
“Such a liar,” he teased. “I need to get ready for the day.” I heard reluctance in his voice, something that made me wonder if he preferred to stay here. “I hold court again this morning, and I have a feeling you’re not going to like hearing this,” he continued as Jadis stretched by my feet. “You can’t be there again.”
He was right. I opened my mouth.
“You haven’t been officially announced as my Consort,” he said before I could speak. “It’s too much of a risk until then.”
“Do you expect me to stay in my locked chambers—?”
“Not locked in your chambers,” he cut in. “Just in them until court is over. You won’t have to remain hidden for much longer, liessa.”
Hidden.
I struggled to tamp down the disappointment. I needed to agree. To make this easy for him. To make me easier for him. But I hated being hidden away. “And then after? Will you be at the Pillars? Or doing something else? Am I supposed to remain hidden then, too?” I asked, and Ash stiffened above me. “Or will it be okay for me to leave the chamber as long as one of your trusted guards is there to keep a close eye on me?”
He shifted, moving so he sat on my other side, his feet on the stone floor. Jadis lifted her head, yawning. “I know this arrangement isn’t perfect.”
“This arrangement can’t continue, is what you mean,” I said as the draken crawled over my legs onto the bed and then stretched, raising thin wings. “There will still be risks once I’m your Consort.”
“The risks will be less then.”
“And what if they’re not? What if a Primal attempts to push you by pushing me?”
He looked over his shoulder at me. “Then we reevaluate.”
“No.” I sat up, holding his gaze as his brows lifted. “I’ve spent most of my life hiding. I know it makes sense for me to keep a low profile right now, but I can’t do that forever. You decided to fulfill the deal because it was no longer safe for me in the mortal realm. But if I’m not safe here either, then what is the point of me being here, Ash?”
White pulsed behind his pupils. “You are safer here. Out there, in the mortal realm? Any god could find you. And now that the word is out that I have taken a mortal Consort, you won’t have any protection in the mortal realm. Not only that, but you’re likely to end up walking into another home without checking to see if it’s empty.”
I welcomed the burn of irritation as I narrowed my eyes. “I can protect myself.”
“That won’t be enough,” he stated.
“So what? Then I die.”
His eyes flashed. “Do you not value your life whatsoever, Sera?”
“I’m not saying that.” I reached out, scratching Jadis under the chin as she plopped down by my hip.
“Then what are you saying?”
What was I saying? I watched Jadis close her eyes and stick her head up. “I don’t know.”
“Really?”
I pressed my lips together. “It’s just that I…I know my death is inevitable—”
“You’re mortal, Sera. But most mortals don’t live as if their life is already forfeit.”
But mine was.
It had been forfeited before I was even born.
The tension was thick as Ash, with Jadis hanging over one of his broad shoulders, an
d I parted ways. I didn’t think it had anything to do with me not wanting to stay in my chambers but rather with the perceived lack of value I had for my life.
But how could I value it when it had never truly been mine?
Feeling so very tired, I shuffled into my bedchamber. I had ended up agreeing to Ash’s request, something I should’ve simply done as soon as he made it.
I picked up my robe, slipping it on. Rubbing my aching jaw, I sat on the settee and tried to figure out why I had argued with Ash. I didn’t like to be hidden away. I was so tired of that. And risk or not, I didn’t plan to spend however long it took for me to carry out my duty hidden away despite the risks. But what had provoked me earlier was more than that.
It was how I had shared things with him that I had never spoken out loud before. And how his words had lifted some of the darkness from me. It was the ink on his skin and what it represented. It was how last night had nothing to do with my duty and a lot to do with what Nektas had shared. All of that had left me reeling, feeling off-kilter…
Feeling as if I had been presented with something I must do that felt impossible in ways I’d never considered before.
I eventually dragged myself into the bathing chamber and got ready. Since my head ached as it did, I left my hair down and went to the wardrobe. With most of my clothing being laundered, the only thing left was one of the gowns.
Forcing myself to feel grateful that I even had clean clothing to wear, I changed into a simple, long-sleeve day gown a pretty shade of deep, cobalt blue. Hiking up the skirt, I fastened the sheathed dagger to the side of my boot. I’d just finished tightening the stays on the almost too-tight bodice when a knock sounded on the door. Hoping my chest actually stayed in the gown, I found Ector standing in the hallway, his hand resting on the hilt of a sword.
“Are you tasked with standing guard outside my chambers again?”
Several fair strands of hair slid over his forehead as he tilted his head to the side. “If I lied, would you believe me?”
“No.”
A brief smile appeared. “I thought you might like to walk the courtyard since I got the distinct impression that you do not like to stay in the bedchamber.”
“Does this distinct impression include me complaining about having to stay in my bedchamber?” I asked.
“Possibly.”
Every part of my being preferred to be outside instead of in my chamber, even with my aching head. “His Highness said that I must remain in my bedchamber.”
Ector had lifted a brow at the His Highness part. “As long as we’re not near the southern gates, you will not be seen.”
“Okay.” I stepped out into the hall, closing the door behind me.
Seeming to fight a smile, he nodded and extended an arm toward the end of the hall, where a less elaborate staircase was located that fed into one of the many side entrances of the palace. “After you.”
I started forward, only taking a handful of steps before something occurred to me. I glanced over at the god, who had fallen into step beside me. “Did he tell you it was okay for me to go into the courtyard?”
There was no need to clarify who he was. “Possibly,” Ector replied and opened the heavy door.
As we traveled the winding, narrow staircase, I refused to acknowledge the fact that Ash had been thinking of me, even though I knew he was highly irritated. We stepped out into the placid air near an unguarded section of the Red Woods. I really had no desire to go near that place again, so I veered to our left, toward the area where Reaver had been learning to fly. It was on the west wall close to the front gates, but we wouldn’t be seen.
We walked along the Rise in silence for several minutes. High above us, a guard patrolled. “Are all the guards gods or…”
“They’re a mixture of gods and mortals,” he answered. “There are even a few godlings.”
“How does one become a guard here?”
“It’s by choice. They go through extensive training. Usually, they only need to worry about the Shades, but every so often, something else comes to the wall.”
“Something else?”
Ector nodded as he stared ahead. His features were relaxed, but he constantly scanned the courtyard as if he expected an entombed god to erupt from the ground at any given moment.
The only thing that came rushing at us was a small draken who’d come running out of a nearby side door, followed by an exasperated Davina, and a much more sedate Reaver.
“Hey there.” I knelt as Jadis blew past Ector and plopped her front talons on my bent knees. “What are you up to?”
“Driving me mad,” Davina griped as Reaver came to rest beside Ector. “The moment she saw you two walk past one of the windows, she started having a fit.”
Grinning, I rubbed under her chin and received a purr. “We’re going to be out for a bit. I can watch her.”
Reaver grumbled as his diamond-shaped head swiveled toward me.
“I can watch both of them,” I amended. “As long as you,” I said, looking down at Jadis, “promise not to jump off things.”
The young draken chirped.
“Not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.” Davina pivoted, her neat ponytail swishing as she stalked back toward the palace. “Have fun with that.”
I glanced up at Ector as Jadis pinwheeled into Reaver. “I don’t know if she likes me.”
Ector laughed. “No one knows if Dav likes them or is five seconds away from setting them on fire.”
“Good to know it’s not personal,” I murmured as we trailed after the draken. “Do they understand us when we speak to them? The draken?”
“They do. Well, Jadis sometimes has trouble… paying attention long enough…” He trailed off, frowning as Jadis snapped at her tail. “To listen.”
I smiled as the female draken stopped suddenly and launched at Reaver’s tail. “She kind of reminds me of a cross between a puppy and a toddler.”
“Yeah, but neither a puppy nor a toddler can belch fire.”
I cringed. “Good point.”
As we walked on, my thoughts drifted to what I’d learned yesterday about the Chosen. “Did you know Gemma?” I asked.
Ector blinked as his gaze jerked in my direction. “That’s a random question.”
“I know.” I clasped my hands together. “I was just thinking about her—about the Chosen. Ash told me the truth about them.”
The god was quiet for a moment. “I’m sure that came as a shock.”
“It did. A part of me has a hard time believing it.”
“And the other part?”
“The other part wants to burn the whole thing to the ground,” I said, looking up as a large shadow fell over us. A deep green draken glided through the air, letting out a deep, rumbling call that was answered moments later by another that flew higher. Feeling Ector’s gaze on me, I looked over at him. “What?”
“Nothing.” He walked on, keeping an eye on Reaver as the draken lifted into the air above Jadis. “To answer your question, I didn’t know Gemma very well. She hadn’t been in the Shadowlands long, only a few months.”
So, she definitely could’ve been skittish. Sadness pressed on my chest as I sighed. “Are there ever any clouds here? Rain?”
Ector arched a brow at yet another incredibly random question. “No. It is always like this.” His chin tipped up to the gray sky. “You’d think after all these years, I’d have gotten used to not seeing clouds and the sun. But I haven’t.”
Surprise flickered through me. “You’re not from here?”
He shook his head. “But I’ve been here for so long, it’s the only real home I can remember—well, except for the blue skies of Vathi.”
“Vathi?” I scrunched my nose as I searched distant memories concerning the different locations in Iliseeum. “Is that…Attes’s Court?”
“It’s the Court for both the Primal of Accord and War and the Primal of Peace and Vengeance,” he said, also referencing the Primal Kyn. “I was only
there for a century or two.”
A short laugh left me. “Only a century or two?”
He grinned. “I’m far older than I look.”
“Older than Ash?” I asked.
“By several hundred years.”
“Wow,” I murmured.
“I look good for my age, don’t I?” A teasing glint filled his eyes.
I nodded. “Did you know his parents?”
“I did. I knew Eythos and Mycella pretty well.”
Turning to him, I stopped under the shadow of an imposing tower as Jadis came to my side. She tugged on the skirt of my gown, pulling the material against her cheek. I truly had no idea what she was doing, but I decided to let her continue. “Nektas made it sound like he was also close to his parents.”
“He was.” Ector’s gaze flicked to me. “When did he tell you that?”
“This morning.” I watched Reaver land behind Ector.
“When you were with Nyktos?” He laughed softly as my eyes widened. “I saw you two this morning when I went to speak with him.”
“Oh,” I whispered, feeling my cheeks warm and having no idea why. I glanced toward the southern area of the Rise where a guard shouted an order to open the gate. Nektas and Ector both knew Ash’s father and appeared close to the Primal, yet neither knew why his father had made the deal. “Did either of you think this kind of deal was something that Eythos would’ve made?”
Ector didn’t answer for a long moment. “Eythos loved Mycella, even more so after she was killed. He would’ve never remarried, but…” A heavy sigh shuttled through him as he squinted. “To be honest, Eythos was very clever. He was always planning ahead. He had a reason.”
But what could that reason be—one that made sense?
“You know,” Ector said, glancing at me. “I also watched you.” He winced as my brows flew up. “That sounds creepier than I intended. What I meant is that I would sometimes join Lathan when he kept an eye on you. That’s how I knew what you looked like to find you when Ash gave me the dagger.”
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