I hated being an enforcer and scaring people. I didn't want to be used on anybody ever again as a wolf, to scare them or hurt them. My wolf form was supposed to be something good, calm and happy, not a cause of fear or pain.
He kneaded my shoulders, facing me from so close we were breathing the same air. He didn't smell like he was going to do anything sexual. I should probably stop worrying about that.
"You don't have to look at me," he said finally. "But I'm not going to hit you if you do."
I nodded, keeping my gaze down. My throat felt tight, and it hurt. I wanted him to cup my neck again. It made me feel safer. I wanted him to tell me what to do, and make it okay, and make everything stop hurting.
I wanted to roll over and show him he was boss, and I'd never challenge him, I'd do whatever he wanted as long as he was a good alpha and treated me right, but none of those were safe things to want.
Like he'd read my mind once again, he reached up and gently gripped the back of my neck. "Come on, Riley, give me something." It was a very gentle shake, more affectionate than he had any right to be with me. It was a show of strength, too—demanding my submission in the one way I was still trying not to give it.
I held out as long as I could. I knew Vance would be incandescent. But he didn't know how hard it was—how very hard—to hold out even this long.
"What do you want?" I said, staring at the floor, knowing he had me and there was nothing I could do to escape that alpha grip, that gentle firmness, that certainty he was right, and I would follow.
THE COPS GAVE ME SUCH strange looks as I gave my statement, I stumbled over my words more than once. They were so hostile, so weirded out by me, I felt like I could trip over my own feet from sheer awkwardness. I didn't belong here. I should be back with my pack.
But every time I thought about shutting up and trying to bolt, Justin's gaze caught mine, steady and sure, certain and merciless in that kind way of his. He wasn't going to let me get away with running. I was caught well and good.
I gave my statement. It took a long time, starting from the beginning.
I spilled everything, and it was so hard. Justin stayed close to me, and he made them bring me water, coffee, soda, snacks—especially more beef jerky. I ate almost the whole time I talked, the food as much of a comfort as Justin's presence.
Would I re-establish my own identity when I was away from him? Would I be free? I could never go back to Vance, and that hurt. But it was also strangely...a relief? I couldn't make sense of the confused, mixed-up feelings. I didn't belong in a police pack. But...Justin.
He was holding an alpha position over me at this point in time, and I couldn't say no to him. He hadn't raised his voice or his hand to me even once so far. He'd taken good care of me, and he'd known just how to grip my neck to make me calm down. He wasn't wolf, but he knew something about wolves.
When my throat was getting sore from talking, he made them stop and give me a break. We went back to my cell. I could feel he was tired, but he wasn't leaving me alone.
He sat on the bed with me, one arm around me, like we were good pals. I leaned against him, and he let me. He was the gentlest alpha I'd ever met, even though he demanded so much from me.
"How come you know about wolves?"
"I went through a program about them. That, and microexpressions. Something about yours projected wolf really loudly to me. We could've done a blood test, of course."
"Could you?" He was warm, and it was a hot day, but I didn't want to move away from him. I wanted to stay close. I wanted to hear him keep talking.
"Yes, but that would take longer, and you'd be out by then. I thought it would be better to talk you into admitting it."
"I didn't, though, did I?" I tried to think. I'd submitted to him all without a word, and hadn't said outright I was a wolf till I was giving the statement, starting with Eddie finding me and taking me in.
"Every microexpression on your face screamed it," he informed me. "Not your fault most people don't know how to read you. But if they did, you wouldn't keep your secrets for long."
I shuddered.
"Hey now. None of that." He pushed my hair back from my forehead. "You're fine. You're safe here."
I really didn't know if I'd ever be safe. "Talk to me," I mumbled, leaning against his shoulder, my eyes squeezed shut. It felt so good to let him hold me, to have him take charge and promise everything was okay, even if I didn't believe it.
"The course on microexpressions is a special one. I signed up for that as soon as it was available. Reading them goes a long way in interviews, and even farther when making tense, split-second decisions. The course about wolves was a little different." He laughed self-depreciatingly. "I went there thinking I could find a wolf partner to work with, on the job."
I drew back and stared at him blankly.
"Sometimes wolves and cops team up, you know? There's special training for it."
I shook my head. I hadn't known that. Wolves? Working with cops? Why?
He gave me a little shake. "It's a thing. It's been a thing for almost a decade now."
Not around here it wasn't. The city was basically devoid of wolves except for me. And I would have noticed if any of these policemen were secretly shifters.
He seemed to be scolding me about it. Why, because I hadn't known something? That shouldn't be a big surprise to him. Everybody else thought I was kind of dumb.
"Anyway, I never got picked by anyone. Not the right sort of personality, apparently. I'm too...decisive, and, well, bossy to make a good partner to a wolf. But I still learned a lot."
He had to know he was a lot more alpha than most people. I could see how that would be pretty intimidating to choose to work with, day in and day out. I was still surprised somebody hadn't picked him. He might call you on it every time you were full of shit, and demand this and that, but he'd never let you go hungry or hit you.
"Anyway, I knew enough to recognize a wolf when one walked in the door for questioning," he said. "And if anybody thinks I'm letting a wolf who was cowed as badly as you were walk out again to be beaten around by a mob boss, they have another think coming." He sounded so fierce when he said it, I was glad he wasn't angry with me.
"But why? Why should you care what happens to me?" I was honestly perplexed.
He made a sound in his throat, and tightened his arm around me. "You're the softest wolf I've ever met. You deserve better."
My gaze dropped. I didn't even try to deny it. "I guess I've always been pretty soft." Anybody who knew me figured it out in time. Vance did. Eddie would have, if he'd bothered to look closely. Those boys had known very well I wouldn't resist or tattle on them, no matter how unhappy I was.
"I didn't mean it like that. It's not a bad thing. You're gentle, and nobody should be rough with you."
"You mean like barging into my life and taking over?" I said, with a hint of sarcasm in my voice. Then I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and went very still.
But he didn't backhand me. He laughed, low and rough. "I guess. But I only want to help you. I'm not going to leave you alone to manage your life when that's the best you can do—offer your loyalty to men who just want to use you up and hurt you."
Had I offered my loyalty? I kind of just hadn't said no, when Vance wanted to take over, and knew he had my number and that I wouldn't fight him on it. Or maybe he meant Eddie?
"You confuse me," I admitted.
"That's fine. There's time to figure things out."
"Those cops out there are pissed off. You shouldn't be nice to me where they can see."
"I'll be nice to any wolf I want to be nice to. Don't you worry about that. You're so touch-starved it hurts. Now hush." He tugged me closer against him.
I hushed, closing my eyes and nestling against him. I was bigger than him—definitely stronger—but I still felt so awfully safe when he held me against him like that.
"DON'T ARGUE WITH ME," said Justin.
He was far too handsome for my own goo
d, in a ragged, tough, weather-beaten way, with his clever eyes and his good smell, and the way he looked at me so steadily like he could see right through me.
I was staying with him now, in his apartment. Just for a bit.
"I'm sorry, I just..." My gaze skittered away from his, and I felt humiliated that I still couldn't meet his eyes when he was annoyed with me.
He stepped closer, into my space, and took me by the arms. Even though I was bigger than him, I felt small and safe when he held me like that. He had a strong effect on me. Or his confidence did, or something. "It's not safe for you here," he told me, quieter now. "I'm going to keep you safe, but you've got to work with me on this."
I swallowed down the miserable little howl that kept trying to rise up inside me. "But this is my home." I didn't want to flee town. I didn't want to hide.
He was going to send me far away, to that place where the wolves and cops trained. I didn't know anything about that. I wouldn't like it, I was sure. Why would he do this to me?
I met his gaze briefly, wavering, and then looked down. The plea in me wasn't reaching him. "Justin..."
"No. Now you need to be far away from here till things settle down. You told too much. They're going to want your blood. Let me handle things. Let us deal with them. You can come back when it's safe."
I swallowed another howl. My throat hurt. I didn't say anything.
This is where I grew up. This is where I belong. I don't know how to live anywhere else!
"I'm not asking you to pick a cop partner. I wouldn't do that to you. I know you're not interested in being a cop. But it's a safe place, lots of security, and you can learn more about wolves and cops in the process. It'll build you up. Maybe you can get a little more confidence. They've got a lot to teach, and everybody there is vetted. Sure, there might be some strong personalities, but nobody's going to beat you around or...or anything else." He'd sounded like he was going to say something more, but swallowed it back at the last second. "You'll learn a lot," he repeated. "It'll be really good for you."
A small sound escaped me, part denial, part whimper. I didn't want to work with cops.
Justin had gotten me to tell him so much, and I knew there was no going back from that, my secrets shared, my testimony given, everything out in the open.
Even the cocksucking, which I'd hated to tell. I wished he couldn't get everything out of me, and read my damned mind as well.
"Don't argue with me, Riley," he said, low and firm. "This is for your own good. It's going to help you. I'm not asking you to take a job. Just go there. Sit through the classes. Play along, or pretend to. Soak up what it's like to be around other wolves. I wouldn't send you there if it wasn't a good place, would I?"
He might. He was sending me there one way or another, clearly.
"Look, if you had somewhere else—pack who could keep you safe—but you don't. You need to be around some wolves, and decent people...and you need to be safe. Can you think of a better solution? I can't."
"I could stay here," I mumbled. "Just not leave the station or your place." I hated the station, but if I had to, I could manage it. His place wasn't quite so bad, but it was a very small apartment.
"No. You said yourself there's a leak here. Vance's going to want your blood. Do you think slapping you around will be all he does if he catches you? I couldn't live with that, if he killed you. I'm the one who got you to talk. It'll be on my head if that costs you your life."
He reached up and stroked the hair back around my right ear. I tried not to let the touch sway me, but it was a very tender touch. He had strong, weathered hands...and they could be so gentle.
"You can handle it. It's only a couple of weeks. Then I'll come pick you up, okay? If we get things handled here sooner, I'll come and get you sooner."
"Promise?" I didn't look at him, my gaze glued to the floor.
"I promise. Come on. Can't you give me a smile? A little one?"
He was so certain of everything, but sometimes that just wasn't enough for me.
I shook my head. If I'd tried to fake it, I'd have cried. He could be so high-handed.
All alphas were, of course, but I was scared about this. I didn't want to travel three states away and take a training course surrounded by cops and other, more confident wolves.
"All right. That's all right. Hey, now. Don't cry."
"I'm not," I managed.
He pulled me against him in a rough hug, reaching up to grip my neck the way he knew calmed me down. "I wouldn't ask you for this if it wasn't important. It's okay."
"I don't want to go." I was trembling, and he couldn't stop it. I couldn't, either. He could make me do anything he wanted to, and we both knew it. "Please, Justin."
He held me close to him, hand on the back of my neck. I felt the small sigh escape him. But he didn't say anything, and he didn't back down.
I was going to be going three states away and getting training I'd never wanted. All because he'd decided I'd be safer that way.
IT WAS TWO DAYS AFTER that that I was picked up and flown out to the wolf-and-cop school.
Two days of sleeping on Justin's sofa, having him cook for me, make me eat, and generally keep a tight rein on me.
I tried to keep a lid on my panic, but it was not easy going. I'd be lying if I said I didn't wonder, multiple times each day, if I shouldn't run away, go back to Eddie or Vance.
It's definitely a bad day when I don't even feel like eating. Justin ran a firm ship, though. He made me eat, and he didn't leave me alone. That made it easier not to run, of course. He wasn't rough with me, not once—but he wasn't easy on me, either.
He practically bullied me into eating, showering, doing all the normal things I couldn't concentrate on.
I didn't have any clothes to pack for my trip. It wasn't safe to go back and get my things, or go out and buy new ones, in case someone spotted me. And he wasn't leaving me alone, so neither one of us went shopping. He had me write out my sizes and then called ahead to the training people and stayed on the line till somebody promised they'd get some clothes in my size. With his forceful personality, he could even get people other than me to do his bidding.
When it was time, he drove me to the airport. A couple of cops waited around, their reflective sunglasses ominous in the big building, like fly's eyes.
Any second, somebody might show up, sent by Vance, to gun me down. It was all too easy to imagine with Justin's fear radiating from him, mingling with my own. Even though part of me still believed Vance would just smack me and call me an idiot next time he saw me, then order me to do something unpleasant, another part knew it would be worse than that. A lot worse.
It didn't feel like I'd severed my ties with the pack, though. It didn't feel like going away was going to fix anything, just make me vulnerable to strangers.
Justin's gaze scanned the crowds, restless, waiting for the man who was picking me up. Waiting for danger. Restless, because he was unable to take control of the whole crowded building, as he would no doubt have liked.
"Now listen to me." He put a hand on my arm, even though his eyes didn't stop their search. "If you have trouble, any sort of trouble, I want you to contact me. If somebody gets inappropriate with you, pushes you around, makes you uncomfortable. If somebody..." He paused, clearly not wanting to say "sexually assaults you."
That's what he'd called it earlier, what the older boys did to me. Sexual assault. That seemed like such a firm phrase, didn't it? Like it couldn't possibly be my fault. I liked that part of it—the not my fault part. On the other hand, it made it sound like I was a victim, which I didn't like.
"You call me," he said finally. He'd given me a burner phone with his number in it. "Or text. Anything. We'll talk it through. If it's just anxiety, nothing really wrong, I'll talk you through it. And if it's something else, I'll bust some balls. You hear me?"
I nodded.
"You're going to call. If there's trouble."
"Yes."
"Say it."
"I'll call you if there's trouble." I looked anywhere but at him.
I wished he saw me as at least slightly competent. I suppose nothing about me had given him cause so far, but it was uncomfortable to be viewed as a someone so young or incompetent that I had to repeat back instructions before he would believe I'd heard them. Or that he thought he'd have to rush in and rescue me because I was so weak I couldn't stand up for myself.
That he wasn't completely wrong hurt even more. It would be one thing if he saw me that way wrongly, if I wasn't actually a mess. But I was. Maybe I always had been...
"Hey." He gripped both my arms and leaned into me, bumping our foreheads together. "It's going to be fine, okay? You're going to do just fine." He reached up and gripped the back of my neck, gently, in that way I particularly liked.
"Okay," I said.
I wanted him to be right. I just didn't think he was.
He'd be out of my life, and somebody else would capture me in their alpha orbit. But I'd never get a pack or place to belong unafraid. I probably hadn't been okay since my parents died. I probably never would be.
"I don't care if you graduate. I don't care if you flunk every course. Just get what you can from it. And don't run off."
Great, now he thought I was too dumb to graduate. I rolled my eyes at him, but not so he could actually see. "I won't run off." I never had before, had I? Not even when I probably should have.
"Good. That's...good, Riley." He gripped my arm, as if he wanted to say more but there was nothing more to say. "I'll get you a hot dog if you want," he offered gruffly, nodding toward the food court. "Before you go."
"I'm really not hungry." I'd never flown anywhere before, but something told me it wasn't going to be easy on the stomach, at least not if how I felt right now was any clue.
The man who met us to take me away wasn't as big as me, but he seemed about a thousand times tougher. Something about the way he walked, every step filled with testosterone and danger. He was somebody you wouldn't choose to mess with.
You could tell he wasn't a cop, but something more dangerous than that. If he'd told me he'd assassinated people before acting as my bodyguard, I wouldn't have blinked. I hoped I didn't get on his bad side. Not a fan of hitmen.
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