He was trying to avoid conflict with Nolan, which I appreciated, although I wouldn't personally have minded his arm around me.
"Let's talk about books," I suggested, because I'd had a lot of practice with that in the last few days. I could probably even reuse my banana book anecdote, if I didn't get tongue-tied.
Justin didn't make me nervous in the way most of the cops here did. He made me confused and frustrated in different ways altogether.
After shadowing us for about half a mile, Nolan caught my eye and tilted one brow. It was clearly a question, and fortunately I could read it.
I nodded, jerking my head just slightly to the left, telling him he could go. He hadn't gotten much out of meeting Justin, and he still smelled embarrassed. Books bored him, and he wanted to leave, but not if I needed him there. I didn't.
At my agreement, he gave me a short nod, said goodbye to Justin, and turned around and jogged back. Probably couldn't wait to get back to his texting...or maybe seeing her in person.
We both watched him go.
"He's even bigger than you are," said Justin.
"I didn't know I was so big for a wolf, till I got here," I admitted.
"What, you thought you were normal sized?" He glanced at me, a teasing light in his eyes, and the smallest of smiles on his mouth.
"My dad was really big. I haven't been around wolves since I was young. I remember everyone being big; I just assumed I would be too, when I grew up. I thought all wolves were."
"Well, a lot are," he agreed. Then he touched my arm, as if to say "Calm down, don't get upset, it was just a question."
"I mean, I knew I was big compared to a lot of people." Shut up, shut up. Why can't you shut up, Riley?
"Did you ever think about trying to find a pack to join?"
"There aren't any packs around where I lived before. Besides, I thought the—the gang was my pack."
I really had thought that, hadn't I? But packs had to be loyal both ways. From the members, to the members. There hadn't been much loyalty there.
"So I wrenched you from your pack, did I?" He didn't sound very sorry. He sounded grim.
"I don't want to talk about that." I squinted at him. It would be nice to do something together. I wished I could take him somewhere, give him something nice.
He'd come all this way to see me, I should be able to do better than take him on a walk and talk about books.
"So are you satisfied that Nolan is a nice guy?"
"Yes. He's great. Except for when he's thinking about ripping my throat out."
"Nolan's not that violent."
"O ye of little faith."
"What do you mean by that?"
"It means he'd protect you. If he needed to. I think that's great. Really." He rubbed my arm, briefly. As if one of us needed comfort. I wasn't sure this time that it was me. I stared at him, trying to figure him out.
"Look at you," he said again, but his smile was a little sad.
"Let's get ice cream," I said. "You know. Go somewhere."
"Ice cream?" He raised a brow. "Is there a place near here?"
"I don't know. But there ought to be."
"Or..." He dragged the word out. "We could raid the freezer, and go and sit down by the pond and eat our spoils at one of the picnic tables."
I stared at him. "I can afford to buy ice cream, you know."
"I know." His smile twinkled at me. "I happen to have gone here myself. There's nowhere decent to get ice cream within half an hour's drive. But the freezer is always stocked. Midnight munchies. You know how wolves are." He was teasing me, and I refused to respond to it.
I nodded at last. "Okay. But you have to come with me. If I get caught, I'm blaming you."
He snorted. "Don't you know the food here is for you to eat? You don't have to ask permission constantly."
"I may have mentioned I was failing in the confidence area," I said coldly. I ate what and when I was allowed. No fridge raiding for me. Besides, they fed us often enough and well enough it wouldn't have even occurred to me.
He patted my arm. "Don't worry. I've got enough confidence for both of us."
Did he ever.
"Besides, you're doing really well. You're almost like a different guy. I haven't seen you cringe once. You talk, you argue, you make eye contact. You've come a long way in a short time. You're pretty amazing."
"Thanks," I said uncomfortably. I didn't like thinking about or hearing about what a basket case I'd been. What a mess I still sometimes was.
Making eye contact shouldn't be a big deal. Not cringing should go without saying.
"I've made you sad now, haven't I? I'm sorry. Come on. Ice cream will fix it."
In the kitchen area he grabbed two half gallons of ice cream from one of the huge chest freezers, while I kept watch nervously. "The quality hasn't gotten any worse," he informed me, holding up his bounty with a triumphant grin.
"Let's get out of here."
"Spoons," he told me, and I nodded and dashed back for them, fumbling around till I found two, my hands unsteady, heart pounding hard. He watched me with what seemed to be an affectionate look. Maybe grabbing spoons was an improvement, too, since I'd been such a pathetic loser before.
"You're grumpy about something," he informed me as we hiked out to the pond. The half gallon he'd handed me was cold on the outside, growing wet and slippery. He'd gotten chocolate and vanilla. They did seem to be a good brand.
"I'm fine."
I thought of the kids I used to feed, and how much they'd like ice cream on a hot day. "How are the kids doing?" It was still hard to believe he'd just taken that over for me. Could he do anything, everything? "Wait, if you're leaving..."
I fell silent, pondering. I couldn't move back just for that, but it seemed like there ought to be something. It wasn't like I was keeping them alive, but hunger is hunger; it shouldn't be allowed, especially for kids.
"Don't worry, I've taken care of that."
I gave him a disbelieving look.
"I have," he told me, picking his way gingerly over some rougher ground, around some scrubby, sticker-ridden brush.
"How?"
"I got the community involved. It took some ear-bending and guilt trips, but I've got it all worked out. The food bank is becoming a lot more closely involved. A group of Concerned Mothers who go after the school board on whatever issue they've taken to heart are now packing weekly bags of nonperishables for kids. The Rotary Club is in on it with some extra programs: summer camps, bowling days, swimming passes. The library already had summer school study help set up. It was just a matter of coordinating more rides. I got some of the officers to make a BBQ with the Cops event to earn some actual good will in the area, too."
I stared at him. "You did all that? How?"
"My forceful personality isn't always a curse." He gave me a surprisingly naughty grin, looking proud of himself. "But really, it all should have been in order before I got involved. A few streets over, you have million-dollar mansions, and there are kids going hungry in the same town?" He shook his head. "It's not right."
"It's life," I told him. "Of course it's not right. Most people don't care, though." I was glad for his forcefulness, this once. I'd done all I could, but it was a stopgap. Help with regular food, schoolwork, and a few treats and trips to brighten up their lives—that might actually make a difference.
"I hope it's not just the little kids, though," I told him. "The bigger ones need it just as bad."
"Don't worry." He laid a hand on my arm. It was cold from holding his ice cream. "I thought of that."
"Thanks," I said gruffly. "I know you didn't do it for me, but...thanks." I could swallow my pride enough to say that. It was stupid to be jealous of his talents, especially when he used them to help me out.
"Well, I did do it because of you, really. When a nervous wolf enforcer does more for the community than I do, it's time to make some changes."
I cast him a quick, shy grin. "Is that what I am? A nervous
wolf enforcer?"
"No. Not anymore. You're on your way to becoming something else now."
I hoped he was right. I hoped I liked where I ended up. For a moment it felt like a long, twisty, sun-soaked road was standing before me, and the walk might be long and slow, but it would be enjoyable, and I'd like where I ended up. That was a good thought. I hung onto it.
When we reached the pond, I thought the picnic table looked a bit rickety, so I sat on the ground instead, cross-legged, and opened my ice cream and plied the spoon. Justin had no such qualms. He sat on the top of the picnic table, his sneakered feet on the seat, knees spread wide. He was smaller than me, but somehow he always seemed to take up more room. Or maybe that was just in my head.
We ate for a few minutes in silence. I was hungrier than I thought, I suppose, because I gave myself over to the ice cream with single-minded devotion.
"Here," said Justin after a few moments. "Switch."
I glanced at him, then got up to take the container he held out and gave him mine. He'd barely touched it. He let out a low whistle. "You could eat both by yourself, couldn't you?"
"I suppose." I sat down and ate, a little more slowly, but not because of what he'd said. I was getting full.
"It's good to see you," said Justin at last, as if he'd made up his mind about something. "You seem more like yourself here. If it's because you're around wolves, you should consider joining a pack. I'm sure we could find some that would take you. You'd be an excellent asset. We could vet them first. You could pick the best fit. Is there any chance you want to try that, joining a pack, perhaps avoiding non-shifters entirely for a time?"
I thought about that. "I don't know." It was hard to imagine any pack would want me, if they knew much about me. No matter what Justin said. He had so many plans, and I...didn't. "I just...don't know."
"Well, if you figure out what you want, I'll help you get it—if you'll let me."
I laughed softly, because it was just like I'd said. If I knew what I wanted, he reached up into the sky and pulled it down for me, if he could.
"You're kind, in your own way, but you can't fix my life," I told him.
"In my own way? What's that supposed to mean? I'm kind in general!"
"You're so certain of everything, and you think everyone else should be, too."
He squinted at me. "You really have a problem with my personality, don't you?"
I shook my head quickly, licking ice cream off the area around my mouth. "I wish I was more like that."
He relaxed a little, leaning back. "You're quite nice the way you are. You just need to find people who appreciate you for that, and surround yourself with them."
"You're even certain of that," I told him. "Everything is a question to me right now."
I looked out over the pond. It was beautiful. I hadn't been around this much nature since...since before my parents left the pack. "I wonder what happened to my old pack," I said. "My parents weren't always lone wolves. They left the pack, when I was little. They had reasons, but I didn't understand them. I don't even know where it was located, or what it was called." I thought back to shadowy memories of friends, pack members. "I don't even remember any last names, just some of the other pups."
"I can help you find them, if you want." He sounded so focused and intense.
"Without anything more than that to go on? I don't think so!"
"Let me try," said Justin. "If you want to see them."
I hesitated. I trusted my parents' judgment. They'd had a good reason for leaving, even if I never found out what it was. Yes, it would be pleasant to catch up with wolves I'd known when I was small, but would it be worth whatever I had to learn, whatever I had to revisit? Much less letting them know what I'd been up to for most of my life. "Let me think about it."
He huffed. "It's a simple decision, Riley."
"To you," I said firmly, and licked my spoon. "I'm done. Is there any left in there?"
"Is—yes. Do you want it?"
I shrugged. "When you've had enough." I could wait. But there was no point dragging home melted leftovers. I would finish whatever he didn't.
"So tell me about the three newcomers," he said, when he handed me the last of the ice cream. I swirled it around in the cardboard container, and thoughts around in my mind.
"They're...nice."
"How are they dealing with the others? Are the other wolves responding positively or negatively?"
"Positively. Like I said, they're nice." I'd be lucky if any of them weren't snapped up by someone else first, to be honest. "The other cops don't like them much, though. They got here late, and there were already more wolves than non-wolves."
"Yes, but it's always that way. They shouldn't be such poor sports."
"I bet you were a poor sport, when you couldn't find a wolf."
He froze. Just for a moment, but I realized I'd hurt him. I froze, too, not sure how to take it back.
"Well. Yes. Probably. But that was after the fact, not simply because I had competition." His voice sounded almost normal, but it didn't trick me.
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was a sore subject."
"One thing I've failed at in life," he said lightly, or tried to say lightly. He hopped off the table and dusted off his shorts. "No doubt it did me good."
After we walked back, discarded the evidence, and got cleaned up, I took him to meet some of my favorite instructors, and when we saw Tomas walking towards the tree line with a book in his hands, we walked over and I introduced Justin to him as well.
Justin was friendly, but Tomas seemed a bit wary and uncertain. He didn't know this guy, seemed to think it was some kind of test. I was sorry then that I'd done it, and ended the encounter quickly, hoping I could find a way to apologize to Tomas later for making him uncomfortable.
"He's your top pick? I mean, if you pick anybody?" asked Justin.
"I don't know. I don't think he liked that. I shouldn't have made him meet you."
"He will meet me, if he's in your life. Better to do it now. I'm not just going to disappear, you know. I'm going to be checking up on you."
I groaned. "No spying."
"No spying. Cross my heart." He gave me a predatory grin. "I'll just dig the truth out of you directly."
I rolled my eyes.
His smile faded, as he sobered. "I really was worried about you, though, when I got word you were having trouble, and then you didn't want to talk to me."
"Did you think I was going to kill myself?" I'd had time to put his "doing something stupid" remark into perspective, and that's what I'd come up with.
He hesitated. "Well. I hoped you weren't. But...you'd been through the wringer. A lot of stress, a lot of changes. I didn't know if you were clinging to the will to live or not. It scared me."
So yes then. He'd thought I was going to kill myself.
"Sometimes I don't want to live," I admitted slowly, choosing my words with care. "But I've never thought about actually doing something to make that happen."
"Oh. I'm—I'm glad of that."
He clearly didn't know what to say. He patted my back awkwardly, very sober now.
"I don't want to be your project, though, Justin. You don't have to fix me." I was pretty sure he couldn't, and if he did nothing but try, it would ruin any fledgling friendship we were building. And it was nice like this, being something like friends.
"I'll try to keep it in mind."
JUSTIN'S VISIT WAS welcome, if a bit too short. I told him I'd text him when I made my mind up about whether I wanted him to look for my old pack and open that particular can of worms. I was pretty sure I didn't want to, but found it easier to put off a "no" than try to explain why I felt that way.
Then I told him not to contact me too often, because I had to concentrate on the training.
"That's the way," he said, his good humor edged with sarcasm. "Be decisive about that."
"I will, thanks. You need to let me have some space. I'm doing the best I can."
"And getting better all the time," he agreed. "Especially when I'm not around, apparently." His frown touched his forehead, wrinkling here and there, exaggerating his few lines and wrinkles, making him look like he had a headache.
"Self-pity isn't attractive," I told him. "And I should know."
This surprised a laugh out of him. "All right, I've been told. I'll take my leave now. Call or text if you need my help." He looked me in the eyes then, as if memorizing me, or making sure I really was okay.
I met his gaze for as long as I could. He didn't reach up to squeeze my neck, or pull me into a hug, either. I was both relieved and a little disappointed. It felt a lot less complicated because he didn't, though.
Did he read it in my body language, that I wasn't sure I wanted him to touch me, during our goodbye? We'd had such a good time today, hanging out and eating ice cream, as well as talking about serious things. I didn't want to lose that.
After that he left, and I threw myself into the course with as much energy as I could. I attended everything, even when I was shaky beforehand, nervous to be around all the cops.
I also apologized to Tomas about thrusting Justin into his face that way.
"That's all right," said Tomas in that calm way of his. "I'm supposed to be a lot more outgoing than I am. I should practice. And I don't mind meeting your friends. It was just a surprise."
Friends? Were Justin and I friends? I hoped so.
"I don't want to change your personality," I tried to tell him. I hadn't meant to push him into a tight spot. I'd thought he'd like Justin. I don't know why I thought everyone would automatically like Justin.
But I couldn't waste time pondering such intangibles. I needed to decide which of the three gentler cops I wanted to choose—assuming someone else didn't snatch them up first.
When I thought about it rationally, when I laid it all out in my head, they were on equal footing—each perfect in one way or other, each with merit, each with ways I could let them down. When I thought about it with my heart, when I had to pick instantly, I always said Tomas.
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