by Gwee Li Sui
Kuil itu aku pilih kerana lokasinya di hutan. Kehadiran anggerik liar itu memantapkan jangkaanku bahawa jiwaku tidak akan kecewa atau diganggu sebarang anasir dari kota yang aku tinggalkan buat sementara. Di sinilah fikiranku dapat menemukan keseimbangan dan ketenangan yang selama ini aku cari. Ketenangan yang ingin aku capai tanpa kehadiran-Nya. Dia adalah momok yang telah aku nyahkan dari mimpiku. Aku ingin menghadapi hari nyata tanpa wajah-Nya. Parut yang berbekas daripada luka di dahi setelah aku tersungkur dalam sujud adalah satu-satunya ingatanku terhadap-Nya. Aku mengharapkan parut itu akan pudar dan hilang secara alamiah akhirnya. Kini, aku hanya bergantung pada alam untuk menemukan diriku yang selama ini tertipu dengan cerita karut yang dimulakan lebih daripada 1400 tahun lalu.
Namun begitu, aku masih percaya bahawa alam rohani adalah sebahagian daripada hakikat kehidupan. Keresahan yang aku alami sejak beberapa bulan ini meyakinkanku tentang kejituannya. Cuma, aku tidak mahu mengaitkannya dengan Dia. Aku dambakan ketenangan jiwa tanpa-Nya. Oleh kerana itu, aku telah menetapkan hasrat untuk menjalani penyembuhan jiwa di sini. Kuil ini tidak mengagungkan nama-Nya. Kuil ini tidak terikat dengan sebarang doktrin mengenai-Nya. Kuil ini hanya menawarkan perjalanan rohani tanpa sebarang pemujaan atau pengabdian terhadap apa sahaja yang wujud atau difikirkan memang wujud. Kuil ini menawarkan jalan yang menuju ketiadaan.
Aku memejamkan mata sambil menghela nafas perlahan-lahan. Keharuman anggerik yang melingkar di udara aku hidu sepuas-puasnya. Segala keinginan yang bersarang dalam jiwa diresapinya hingga lenyap. Segala penipuan yang menetap di minda pupus dalam semerbak baunya. Termasuk aroma nama Tuhan. Kekosongan yang menyusul menenangkan minda dan jiwa. Terasa asing dan sepi. Tubuhku menggeletar sejenak. Inilah kali pertama dan terakhir. Akan aku gagahi juga. Dia sudah aku matikan dalam hidupku.
Aku mendongak sekali lagi untuk berbisik secara rahsia dengan kembang liar itu. Anggerik yang satu-satunya akan aku jadikan teman dalam penerokaan selama beberapa bulan di sini. Aku tidak tahu ke mana atau sejauh mana jiwaku akan mengembara bersamanya. Yang pasti, aku ingin sembuh daripada penyakit yang bersarang dalam dadaku. Aku mendamba agar jiwaku kembali segar sepertinya kelak. Harum dan merdeka bersama alam.
Walaupun anggerik itu tidak seindah atau beragam corak seperti anggerik kacukan yang pernah aku lihat di pusat percambahan di Taman Bunga di negaraku, ia memancarkan ketulusan murni dalam keberadaan yang semulajadi. Anggerik liar ini tidak pernah diganggu hasrat atau disentuh tangan manusia. Aku tidak tahu sama ada bicara rasaku dengannya akan mencemarkan kedamaian dan kesuciannya.
Aku meneruskan perjalanan. Menurut panduan peta, aku akan menemukan air terjun di balik bukit yang bakal aku lalui. Udara yang semakin lembab dan dingin menceriakan jiwaku dalam jangkaan. Aku mengamati bunyi-bunyian di sekeliling. Memang terdengar bunyi pancuran air yang sayup-sayup. Aku tersenyum lega dan mempercepatkan langkah.
Kuil yang kutuju terletak di lereng bukit di sebelah kiri air terjun itu. Jantungku berdegup kencang dalam pengaliran hasrat dan harapan. Aku menarik nafas panjang untuk meredakan gemuruh di dada. Daripada pembacaan awal mengenai ajaran yang disampaikan di kuil itu, aku harus belajar mengawal dan menenangkan hasrat dan harapan dalam hidup. Kebahagian sejati hanya akan tercapai bila manusia bebas sepenuhnya daripada sebarang bentuk keinginan. Falsafah itulah yang menarik aku ke sini. Kiranya, pengajaran yang pertama telah bermula.
Memang terdapat banyak kuil di negara jiran ini yang menawarkan pengajaran yang serupa. Tetapi, kuil itu sangat unik. Ia diketuai seorang sami peribumi yang fasih berbahasa Inggeris. Dan ia adalah satu-satunya kuil yang sudi menerima insan sepertiku. Malah, kuil itu amat masyhur dengan cara perubatan bagi penyakit yang sedang aku deritai.
Aku mengakui bahawa aku sakit kerana tidak bahagia. Aku pasti kesejahteraan lahiriah, mental dan jiwa adalah sumber kebahagiaan yang sebenar. Dalam usaha untuk mencapainya aku tidak memerlukan sebarang agama rasmi yang datang daripada Tuhan sebagai penawar. Malah aku menganggapnya sebagai madat yang mengkhayalkan dan merosakkan minda dan jiwaku selama ini.
Penyertaan untuk menjalani proses penyembuhan itu juga terhad. Aku berasa beruntung kerana terpilih setelah menghantar borang permohonan yang disertakan dengan jawapan jujur terhadap beberapa pertanyaan asas yang diajukan penyelia program.
Aku menoleh ke kanan. Terlihat sebatang pohon yang baru tumbang. Serat kayunya yang terkoyak dan bersepai masih merah. Terdapat juga kesan kebakaran pada sebahagian susuknya. Malah, masih terhidu bau asap yang lembab. Dedaunan pada pohon-pohon kecil yang dihempapnya juga masih hijau. Kemungkinan pohon itu baru disambar petir beberapa hari lalu.
Aku tersentak. Tubuhku menggigil. Aku mendongak untuk meninjau sama ada hujan yang membawa petir akan muncul lagi. Yang pasti, aku harus berhati-hati ketika meredah hutan di daerah ini. Namun, sinar mentari lembut yang menghangatkan dahiku telah menghalau kebimbanganku. Aku berasa lega kembali.
Sejurus kemudian, suatu perasaan ngeri menyinggahi jiwaku. Nafasku terhenti sejenak. Adakah aku akan mengalami nasib yang serupa dengan pohon itu? Adakah tindakanku kini akan mendatangkan kemurkaan atau sumpahan-Nya?
Aku termenung sejenak, kemudian tersenyum sinis. Jika aku sudah menidakkan kewujudan-Nya, mengapa aku harus berasa takut terhadap kemarahan-Nya? Kini aku sedar bahawa proses penyembuhanku harus bermula dengan kesungguhan untuk melenyapkan Dia daripada benak dan dadaku. Selagi Dia wujud dalam fikiran dan perasaanku, aku tidak akan sembuh.
Aku bertekad untuk mengatasi kemurungan jiwaku yang telah rebah dengan rawatan yang cekal dan tekal. Seperti alam yang pernah musnah, aku akan kembali hidup dan bercambah dengan subur. Aku yakin alam akan sentiasa menang akhirnya. Dan aku adalah sebahagian daripada alam.
Bunyi pancuran air terjun semakin kuat kedengaran. Semangatku bangun dengan cergas. Tiada sesiapa yang akan menghalang hasrat derasku untuk menemukan kebahagiaan kembali.
Aku hampir sampai ke destinasi. Kuil yang kutuju kelihatan bertenggek di lereng bukit. Rekabentuknya yang sangat sederhana mengingatkan aku supaya kembali merendahkan diri dan jangkaan. Mentelah pula aku adalah pengunjung di situ. Aku harus belajar menerima situasi seadanya, terutama tentang kelemahanku sendiri.
Seekor rerama kuning menghampiriku dan menghinggapi lenganku. Aku berasa gembira kerana kehadiranku telah diterimanya.
Rerama itu kemudian mengibarkan sayap lembutnya lalu terbang. Aku meneruskan perjalanan. Tanpa jangkaanku rerama tadi telah mendahuluiku sepanjang denai. Aku tersenyum lega. Alam telah menghantar isyarat yang nyata bahawa aku akan terbimbing dalam pencarianku kali ini.
Aku mendongakkan kepala dan terlihat seorang sami berdiri tegak di hujung denai. Dia tersenyum lembut. Wajahnya ceria seperti warna kuning kunyit jubah saminya. Matanya yang jernih menenangkan jiwaku. Aku tergerak melambaikan tangan kepadanya, namun kemudian, sekadar membalas senyumannya pula.
“Selamat datang, Helmy,” ujarnya dalam bahasa Inggeris sambil menjunjung sembah hormat dengan mendekatkan kedua-dua telapak tangan yang tertekap ke dadanya.
“Terima kasih, Yang Mulia.”
“Panggil saja namaku, Bunag,” pintanya dengan lembut, sambil membetulkan jubah saminya.
“Baiklah, Bunag.”
Bibirnya mengukirkan senyuman lembut. Matanya turut memancarkan ketulusan.
Sejurus kemudian aku terdengar kersik-kersik dedaunan di atas tanah. Pandangan mata Bunag melangkaui bahuku. Mulutnya ternganga sedikit. Aku menoleh ke belakang dan terlihat seorang lagi sami menghampiri kami. Dia berjalan sambil menundukkan kepalanya. Daripada warna kulit kepalanya yang botak serta lengannya yang agak cerah, aku mengagak bahawa dia bukan berasal dari daerah ini.
Dia masih menundukkan kepala ketika berdiri dekat dengan kami. Aku memandang Bunag. Dia tersenyum lebar dan memegang bahuku dengan lembut.
“Saya perkenalkan, Antonio,” katanya.
Entah mengapa dadaku mula berdebar setelah mendengar nama itu. Sami tadi mendongakkan kepalanya dan memandang wajahku. Dia juga tersenyum dan memberikan sembah hormat kepadaku.
Aku tersentak setelah terlihat wajahnya yang tenang. Sepasang mata birunya yang jernih memukauku. Peluh dingin menitik d
i dahiku. Tubuhku menggeletar. Sejujurnya, aku tidak pernah melihat wajah lelaki setampannya.
“Antonio, ini Helmy dari Singapura,” sambung Bunag.
“Selamat datang,” ujar Antonio dengan suara yang dalam tetapi lembut.
Lidahku kelu. Aku masih tertegun melihat wajahnya. Debaran dadaku semakin kencang. Bulu roma di lenganku tegak merinding. Perutku mengecut. Kelakianku menegang di balik celana.
Aku sedar bahawa aku akan menghadapi cabaran paling hebat di sini. Aku meninggalkan kota kediamanku untuk mengelakkan diri daripada terus dijerat naluri yang serupa. Apakan daya, ia telah mengekoriku ke sini. Secebis keraguan menyinggahi jiwaku. Aku tidak pasti bahawa aku dapat sembuh daripada penyakit yang aku deritai selama ini.
“Oh, Tuhan! Adakah ini cara-Mu mengutukku?”
Tanpa jangkaanku rerama tadi muncul dan hinggap di lenganku sekali lagi. Ia mengibar-ngibarkan sayapnya dengan lembut. Aku tertegun sejenak.
Tiba-tiba aku berasakan diriku seperti sekuntum anggerik kacukan yang menumpang di belantara Tuhan yang liar.
The Orchid
BY ISA KAMARI
Translated by Harry Aveling
The path to the monastery was sheltered by rows of yellow sandalwood trees. The morning sunlight slipped between the leaves and danced in the gentle breeze. Looking up, I saw a wild orchid swaying from one of the branches. I stopped for a moment. Its roots were wrapped around the branch. I was delighted by the soft white petals. The thick foliage offered a strong support for life. I looked around me. There were no other orchids. The fragrant damp air was soft and fresh. My chest swelled and my heavy heart seemed to lighten a little.
I had decided to visit this particular monastery because of its location in the jungle. The wild orchid confirmed my expectation that I would not be disappointed. I was leaving town for a while and did not want to be disturbed. My mind craved balance and peace. It wanted that calm without His presence. He was a ghost, and I had expunged Him from my dreams. The bruises on my forehead from bowing low in prayer were the only reminders of Him that were left to me. I hoped that these bruises would just naturally fade away. Now I wanted to use nature as a way of finding myself. I was tired of those stupid stories from over 1,400 years ago.
Nevertheless, I still believed that the spiritual world is an integral part of life. The feeling of unease I had been experiencing these past few months had convinced me of that. But I didn’t want to connect those feelings with Him. I wanted to be at peace without Him. So I was determined to seek spiritual consolation in this particular place. The monastery did not reverence any of His particular names. It did not promote any particular teachings about Him. It simply offered a spiritual path that was unconnnected to any of His manifestations or any teachings about His being. The monastery was a path to that which was without form.
Closing my eyes, I began to breathe deeply. The scent of the orchid surrounded me, and I delightedly took it into myself. The desires nestling in my mind seemed to dissolve in that wonderful fragrance which even absorbed the perfume of the name of God. The emptiness that followed calmed my heart and mind. I felt strange and isolated. My body briefly trembled. This was the first and last time. I would win. I would root Him out of my life.
I looked up again so that I could secretly whisper something to the wild flower. The orchid was the only friend I had made these last few months during my visit. I had no idea of how far I might have to travel or where. All I knew was that I wanted to be free of my inner sickness. I wanted to be the way I used to be. Fresh and free, part of the world.
Even though the orchid was not as beautiful or as different as the hybrid orchids I had seen in the conservatory of the National Gardens in my own country, it shone with an innocent radiance in these primal conditions. This wild orchid has never been disturbed by human desires or touched by rough hands. I did not know if my talking to it would destroy its peace and tranquillity.
I continued walking. According to my map, there was a waterfall on the other side of this hill. The air was becoming increasingly damp and cool, giving me greater confidence in my directions. I focused on the sounds around me. There was the gentle sound of water splashing in the distance. I quickened my pace.
The monastery was located on the side of a hill to the left of the waterfall. My heart beat faster, filled with hope and longing. I breathed deeply, trying to calm the storm that raged within me. From the little I had read of the teachings of this monastery, I should learn to control any manifestation of desire and hope in my life. True happiness could only be achieved when a person is completely free of all cravings. That philosophy had drawn me here. Apparently, my first lesson had already begun.
Of course, there were many monasteries in this neighbouring country that promoted these teachings. But this one was unique. It was under the authority of a local monk who had an excellent command of English. And it was the only monastery that would accept someone like me. In fact, it was extremely famous for its ability to cure those suffering from my particular sickness.
I admit that I was sick because I was unhappy. I am sure that physical, mental, and spiritual health are the source of true happiness. And, to reach that state, I did not believe that I needed any of God’s official religions to cure me. In fact, I considered them to be the drug that had bewitched me and destroyed my mind and my soul all these years.
There were not many ways to healing that were open to me. I had filled in the application form and been absolutely honest in answering the various questions asked by the programme administrator. I felt lucky to have been accepted.
I looked to the right. A tree had recently fallen to the ground. The large fragments of its bark were still red. I had a sense that part of the trunk had been burned. The smell of smoke hung in the air. The leaves on the smaller surrounding trees were still green. Perhaps the fallen tree had been struck by lightning.
I was startled. My body trembled. I looked up to see whether there might be a return of the rain and lightning. I knew that one had to be careful walking through the jungle in this particular region. But the soft rays of the sun warmed my brow and drove away my fears. I felt reassured.
A moment later, I experienced a feeling of horror. My breathing stopped for a moment. Would I suffer the same fate as that tree? Would my actions bring about His anger and punishment?
I thought about this for a moment and then smiled cynically. If I didn’t believe in Him, why should I fear His wrath? The process of recovery had to begin with the sincere desire to remove Him from my heart and mind. As long as He remained in my thoughts and feelings, I would never be cured.
I was absolutely determined to conquer my inner gloom by using the most suitable means available. Even when nature is attacked, it always revives and grows more vigorous again. I wanted to be like that. I believed that nature will always win in the end. And I am a part of nature.
The sound of the waterfall was closer now. My spirit quickly revived. No one could interfere with my determination to find new happiness.
I had almost reached my destination. The monastery was perched on the side of the hill. Its simple architecture reminded me of the need to be humble in my own eyes. Especially as I was only a visitor here. I needed to learn to accept the situation as it was, most particularly my knowledge of my own weakness.
A yellow butterfly approached me and landed on my arm. I was glad that my presence in this place had been accepted.
The butterfly then opened its wings again and flew away. I continued on my way. Without my knowing it, the butterfly had been leading me along the track through the jungle. It was a clear sign that I would be guided in my search.
Looking up, I saw a monk standing at the end of the track. He was smiling gently. His face shone like the yellow glow of his robes. His calm eyes immediately reassured me. Unconsciously, I waved at him, then, shortly afterwards, smiled back at him.
“Welcome, Helmy,” he said in English as he raised his two hands together to his chest in a respectful greeting.
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br /> “Thank you, your holiness.”
“Just call me by my name, Bunag,” he replied gently, adjusting his robes.
“Fine, Bunag.”
His lips formed a smile. His eyes shone innocently.
A moment later I heard the rustle of leaves on the ground. Bunag looked past me. He seemed slightly surprised. I turned around and saw another monk approaching us. He was walking with his head bowed. From the colour of his bald head and the brightness of the skin on his arms, I guessed that he did not come from around this district.
His head remained bowed as he approached us. I looked at Bunag. He smiled broadly and gently patted me on the shoulder.
“Allow me to introduce Antonio,” he said.
For some reason, my heart began to beat more quickly when I heard his name. The second monk raised his head and looked at me. Smiling, he lifted his hands and politely greeted me.
I was startled by the calm expression on his face. His clear blue eyes fascinated me. Cold sweat covered my forehead. My body trembled. To be honest, I had never seen a man as handsome as Antonio.
“Antonio, this is Helmy,” Bunag continued. “He comes from Singapore.”
“Welcome,” Antonio said in a soft deep voice.
Unable to speak, I stared at his face. My heart beat more quickly. The hairs on my arms stood up. My stomach tightened. I felt sexually aroused.
It was clear that I would face my greatest temptation right here. I had left my hometown to escape my continual involvement with such base instincts. Without my realising it, they had followed me here. I was struck by doubt. I was no longer sure that I could be cured of my long sickness.
“God, is this how You have decided to curse me?”
To my surprise, the butterfly reappeared and settled once more on my sleeve. I was briefly startled.