Tears filled my eyes as I removed the piece, lifting it high in the air to see the full gown come to life. The white sparkled with more sequins than I could count. The lace trim only made every edge stand out more.
“Javier is getting ready and will be your escort.”
I lowered the dress so I could look my brother in the eye in question.
“It’s your Quinceañera. He will be your escort. Mamá is getting ready so we can’t be late. She won’t be able to stay out long, you know, but we have everything for you Mari. I’m sorry we can’t give you a Mass but Padre Jose wanted a donation and Mamá isn’t strong enough to sit through such a ceremony. Javi and I thought you would enjoy the party more anyway.”
My heart was bursting with joy as I dressed happily for my celebration. This was a milestone and a memory I would carry with me forever.
With each passing day, my mother’s health continued to decline. That birthday would be my last with her. Since Mamá’s medicine took all the money our father sent home, Javier and Maricio paid for my birthday. They got a cake from a lady down the street who made them in her home, andset up a small event in an abandoned shack down the road. It wasn’t glamorous, or even something I had pictures of. In fact, all that remained was the white gown filled with lace and sequins hanging in my closet and my memories.
When I finished my hair, Javier stood in the entryway to his bedroom door wearing a pair of dress pants and a crisp white button up shirt. In his hand was a box that he carried to me. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face as he opened it to reveal a corsage. Sliding the purple orchard wristlet onto my arm, he kissed my forehead.
Electricity zinged through me at the excitement of tonight.
“Mujer Hermosa,” Javier whispered before planting a soft kiss to my cheek this time. His lips were full and soft. I wanted to stand in this spot and take in everything. The way he smelled; clean, crisp, and still a hint of musk, the way he stood, proud, strong, and so handsome. Javier Almanza was always so serious. He was the unshakable one that I knew I could lean on. As my eyes met his something passed between us.
I was too caught up in the moment to drink it in.
He took me by the hand and led me down the road. The ballet flats I wore that accompanied my dress were tight on my feet, but I didn’t dare try to slow down. They were brand new and didn’t stretch easily. My brother, Javier, and our mothers put too much into this for me to have a single complaint. My feet could fall off tonight and I wouldn’t shed a single tear.
As Javier held me close, we stepped inside the space that was decorated in whites, golds, with touches of light pinks and lavenders. It was so special to know these two boys put all this thought into giving me this night.
My mother sat beside Estella with tears glistening in her eyes as Maricio stepped up and extended his hand to me.
“A dance, hermana?”
I nodded taking his hand and letting him take me to the middle of the room. On a hand raise, Estella pressed a button on the old tape player and the music began. I danced with my brother in place of my father.
The music came to an end and my heart swelled with pride, joy, and love.
A chair was moved and Maricio guided me to it. I sat and watched as Estella helped my mother to stand and then walk to me. When she stopped in front of me she knelt down and lifted my feet. At which point Estella handed her the bag she carried.
“My daughter,” my mother spoke with a strained voice. “You are so beautiful. You have walked a mile and so much more on my heart with these feet. Today you are a woman.”
With tears running down her face, my mother slipped the white sequined strappy heels on my feet.
“You will walk with pride, my hija. You will walk with honor. You are Mari Belle Luisa Dominguez and nothing can stop you.”
I couldn’t fight back my own tears and emotions as she buckled my shoes. With help from Estella she stood and then pressed a soft kiss to my cheek. “I have never been more blessed in my life than the day God gave me you. I love you with everything I am. You are strong, hija, never forget that no matter what life throws at you, you are strong.”
Then Javier stepped up as Estella guided my mother back to her place. Javier leaned down wiping my eyes with his thumbs.
“No tears, this is your day. My Mari Belle, this is your day,” he told me as he moved to take my hands in his and pull me up.
The shoes felt funny as I tried to adjust. Javier’s strong grip kept me stable as I found my way again. The waltz began and he led me through each movement as my rite of passage as a Latin woman continued. I didn’t have a court and that didn’t matter I had Javi so I had the entire world.
That night the world was mine. It was the best memory of my entire life. In fifteen years, that was the only day I can truly say was mine and I could let everything go. For one day, Maricio and Javier gave me the gift of freedom in my mind. I had no worries, not a single care about anything, except having fun. I got to be a normal teenage girl.
Today reality had crashed around me. My mother told me I was strong enough to go on in life without her. I wasn’t.
She may have believed it, but I did not. No woman should have to lose her mother this way and this young.
Just like that night, our lives were this tangled mess of awkward and beautiful. My mother and the way she was fighting for every second of life, Javier and Maricio who had to step up to be men when they were still boys, and me with Estella as my example of how I should grow as a woman.
“Speak to her, mi hija. She loves to hear your voice. Tell her all the things you wish to say,” Estella told me, bringing me out of my thoughts and back to my dying mother in front of me. I felt her hand squeeze my shoulder. “I will give you some privacy. Always know, Mari Belle, there is nothing a daughter can’t share with her mother.”
“It hurts, Mamá,” I whispered. “Even knowing you’re in pain and there is no way to stop you from dying, it hurts to lose you, Mamá.” Her breathing pitched, and with the noises she made as I spoke, I knew.
I knew the end was here.
“I love you, Mamá. I will be strong. I will be so very strong. I promise you, Mamá.”
Chapter Three
Javier
The wailing was intense as we approached the house. Taking off in a sprint, Maricio and I hit the door and found my mother leaned over Mari Belle as both women cried hysterically beside the couch. The air was thick with their sadness. Instantly, we knew what had happened.
Maricio rushed to his mom where his roar of pain assaulted my ears. My mother stood and embraced him as my best friend and another son to her. I watched as Maricio fell apart in her arms like a little boy. I went to Mari Belle who stood before turning and crashing into me.
Gingerly, I wrapped my arms around her while she kept hers at her side with her body and face pressed to mine. It was like she didn’t have the strength to lift her limbs or put effort into anything more than breathing. I felt her agony. I felt her despair. I felt it all. Her long dark hair laid flat against my white t-shirt. It was a shade of cream from years of being washed without bleach, but it was life. My shirt dampened with her tears as I kept my eyes on her mother’s lifeless body. There was this peace in Maria Luisa’s eyes that drew me in. Her fight was over but somehow I felt like in her death she was trying to give me a gift. She was trying to reach me.
“Shhh, Mari, I got you.” I tried to console her as my own heart shattered knowing this was a loss neither Dominguez child would recover from. If it were me and my mother, I don’t know that I would ever recover either. I remembered so much about Maria Luisa and the way took care of us kids before she got sick.
When my Mamá cleaned houses for Paco and a few others in the Silvia association, Maria Luisa would watch my sister and me. She made dinner, helped with homework, taught Luciana how to cook while Mamá just tried to make a better life for us—all of us. I never asked how my mother met the Dominguez family. I just took for granted they were always h
ere. I knew I had no grandparents; they had died before I was born.
We were a family of our own making. We happened to be one with two moms and no dads that survived by pooling resources. It was crazy if I gave too much thought to it. All of their trust sat with two men who were in a different country. Our entire livelihood and daily existence relied on these men to send money home while they did whatever the hell they wanted in America. What was worse, we weren’t even sure what state they happened to be working in. It was always on my mind that at any point in time, the money might not come. On more than one occasion Maria Luisa had to help my mom keep food on the table for me. It sucked, which is why every run for the Silvia Cartel counted.
Especially when Maria Luisa started having spells where she would pass out. It wasn’t safe for her to be alone so Mamá did what needed to be done for her best friend. She quit working to raise all the kids and watch over Maria Luisa.
“I lost my mamá,” Mari sobbed, her body shaking as I held on tighter. “I’m losing everything. They’ll take us. Papi said they’ll come and take us from here. He told us they would take us and I’d never see Maricio or him again. Javi, they can’t take me.”
Anger filled me. They would not. I wouldn’t allow it. No matter what it took, they wouldn’t take her from me. I could lose Maria Luisa, I could lose Luciana in the way she left, and if I thought about it hard, I could even handle losing my own mamá, but I would not and could not lose Mari Belle. Even the thought of losing Maricio was something I could wrap my mind around, but not her.
In that moment, a surge, an uprising, a rush, an escalation of power hit me and it hit me fucking hard.
“Mari Belle, on my word, I got you.”
I may have been a sixteen-year-old boy, but there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that everything had just shifted. My future was in my arms and I didn’t dare question the power of the emotions in me.
Her arms came up and wrapped around me. She held onto me like I was her lifeline, her support, her stronghold, and I wasn’t about to let her down.
For a few precious moments, the world washed away. This was Mari Belle and me, no one else existed. She needed me and I would take it all away for her.
“Give me your pain, mi cielito,” I told her. Mari’s arms pulled tighter as she lifted her head so her eyes could meet mine. “Give me your pain, mi cielito, let me carry your hurt.”
We were too young for such devastation, yet it was here. The room was filled with anguish and loss. No one would ever fully recover.
Maricio pulled harshly from my mother like she was the cause of his momentary weakness. I shot him a look because right now my mother needed to do something more than think of her friend lying dead on her sofa. She needed to be there for him. I understood because I needed to be strong for my friends because this was a loss no one should have to feel this young.
Maricio paced the living room like he was on a mission to wear a new hole in the floor. Occasionally, he would let out what sounded like a war cry in frustration while Mari never lifted her head to take it in. She stayed buried into me sobbing. I took it all. I let her give me every ounce of emotion she had to give. I carried it, absorbed it, and held it to me as hard as I held her.
A knock came at the door, causing us all to look before the front door opened. Panic filled me as Maricio’s eyes locked to mine in fear. He grabbed the small pistol he carried from his ankle strap. No one ever visited. There was no reason to expect anyone right now.
Paco stepped inside our home before Maricio did something stupid like shoot without knowing who he was putting a bullet into. Thank fuck because if he had shot Paco, there would be more bodies in this house including Maricio’s.
Paco raised his hands in surrender. I looked to Maricio and back to Paco. Slowly, Maricio lowered the gun and put it back in the holster on his leg.
“Heard the noise. Figured out what was probably going on. Know you need help.” Paco explained keeping his hands up. “Got a man on the way. She will be properly prepped and an altar will be set up. We’re here, boys. We will lie in wake with you.”
The words came from his mouth but they weren’t registering. I looked to Maricio who didn’t seem to even be breathing. Paco was going to stay and mourn with us, why? We were two kids without shit in life and he was going to help us grieve? It was too much for my young mind to process.
“We have no money, Paco,” my mother explained.
“Estella,” he spoke softly, “familia, you are familia, these boys are familia. It is all covered. This is your time for mourning. Fret not, mi familia,” Paco stated to us all and Mari Belle squeezed me tighter.
The next hour was intense as men came and went. Maria Luisa’s body needed to be prepped and Mari had yet to let go of me. The harder she held me, the more I felt like I would never be able to let her go again.
“Take her out,” Maricio said to me as he watched two of Paco’s men go to his mother’s lifeless body. I heard them speaking in Spanish to my mother about her last meal and whether she had expelled fluids. It made my stomach churn. Instinctively, I covered Mari Belle’s ears so she wouldn’t hear it.
“Let’s go in my room,” I whispered as I pressed a kiss to her temple.
She nodded and I led us away after a chin lift from Maricio let me know silently he would find me if I was needed. Maricio had remained close to my mother through all of the events and I knew in my gut he would continue to do so without actually crumbling into her. He was trying to step up and be the man right now and I understood why he needed that.
We had no control over the loss of his mother, but we could be in control of our little family as we processed what happened next.
“You should rest, the next bit will probably be full of people and activity.”
I wasn’t sure who would come, but with the way Paco maintained a place either just in front of our front door or inside it, let me know he would be with us for the duration. He even told us Miguel Silvia would be attending later to pay his respects to Maria Luisa. I was full of pride knowing that all of our bosses would be taking time to acknowledge the loss. It gave me a feeling of belonging. I knew I would never question my place or Maricio’s in the Silvia Cartel again. We were more than punk kids to transport dope.
We were familia.
“Will you lay with me?” Mari Belle asked and in the moment a realization hit me—there was nothing I would ever deny her.
She wasn’t my sister. No, she was my best friend’s sister and I should walk away, but I knew in my soul I could never be apart from her. I laid on my bed pulling Mari Belle close to me. With her head on my shoulder, I ran my hands through her long dark hair as she stayed close and let me be her center. She kept giving me her heartache and I kept taking it. Piece by piece I was consuming her heart and I wanted it all, the good and the bad. I needed it like I needed to breathe.
“Do you think they will take me?”
“No,” I clipped out harshly. “I won’t let them.”
“Javi, we’re young. We can’t stop them.”
Twisting, I tipped her chin to make her brown eyes meet mine. “Mari Belle, I am Javier Almanza, no one crosses me. Not a boy, not a man, and with my every breath, I will keep you with me,” I vowed and meant every word of it as if I was swearing on a Bible.
Her eyes pleaded with me for security, for assurance.
Moving, I did the only thing I could, I dropped my lips and pressed them to hers. “Javi.” My name slipped off her lips and I took the opportunity to slide my tongue in her mouth.
It was awkward. I had kissed girls before, but never had I cared about them like I did Mari Belle. Never had it mattered.
For a beat, I wondered if I had gone too far. This wasn’t the right time, I screamed at myself in my head, but it didn’t stop my lips and tongue from taking her mouth.
I retreated for her to chase my tongue with her own. Suddenly, it dawned on me that, Mari Belle was kissing me back.
She gave and again I too
k. This wasn’t a kiss just to kiss; this was a seal, a vow, and a promise. With my lips to hers, my tongue to hers, we became one.
She wouldn’t understand it all yet, but I did.
Chapter Four
Mari Belle
I didn’t know what to do. Javi kissed me. The emotions were too much. My mother had passed on and my brother’s best friend was suddenly seeing me as a young woman and I was having all these mixed feelings about him.
Javier Almanza was a confident young man. He always was. I don’t remember a time in my life where Javi ever carried himself with any kind of insecurity or doubts. He was hot too. All the girls at school wanted him or Maricio. I thought it was mostly because of their bad boy personas. Truth was, my brother and Javi did some things that could get them in trouble—that was all they would ever tell me. But they had more heart than anyone in my life. The way they both took care of me and our mothers was nothing short of a miracle. Really, who else could say they had not one, but two boys, in their life that would step up to make sure there was enough money to eat. No matter how they had to get that money, they did. When taking the day off from school to make a run for Paco wasn’t enough, they worked downtown wherever they could get an odd job.
They didn’t keep it a secret they worked for Paco and the Silvia Cartel. Then again, in Juarez it was expected by most, I figured anyway. Really, what options were left?
Javi’s hair was always buzzed short. Luciana found a set of clippers on the street years ago and started shaving both boys’ heads. Even with her gone, he still has me or his mamá cut it each week or so, as does Maricio. Javi was just Javi; take him as you got him or not at all. He never lost his calm, even when Maricio, the hothead tried to push his buttons.
He had strong features. His jawline was straight and the muscle in his chin ticked when he was angry, but otherwise, Javier Almanza was hard to read. His eyes were dark, haunted, tired, but yet soft. His nose was straight with an almost unnoticeable bump from where he broke it when he was around twelve on his bicycle. The boys were taking a run and got chased. Javi took a spill and his nose took the hit. He had beautifully straight teeth that rarely were seen except the few times he gave me a smile.
Cartel B!tch: Almanza Crime Family Duet Page 3