by Chris Harvey
on the sides of his head once more, those humans were making that high pitched sound again. He hoped they all decided to have a nice lay down like the other man who was screeching. He took a few steps forward and saw an old lady who was shaking. He considered what to do. A hug, for some reason his brain told him that when humans were feeling down you simply placed your arms around them and said things like ‘there there, everything’s ok.’ To be fair to the old lady she was not that nimble and Ropo really should have been watching the handbag as it swung into his face. He did not notice the old lady amble out of the shop as he rubbed his poor nose either. He did, however, turn round to see that everyone had left pretty sharpish. ‘Must be a sale on down the road, whatever a sale is’ thought Ropo to himself.
Then an opportunity invited itself into his brain. With no-one around the crisps would surely be free. Ropo could hear the slow whimpering of the cashier hiding behind the till but he was pretty much out of view. ‘Plus’, thought Ropo, ‘I’m a lizard, it’s not as if I carry money with me and I was never very good at understanding economics.’ As he made his way to the crisps there was a loud crash, he turn instinctively, lasers fired from his eyes and cooked all the pre-packed sausage rolls. Were it not for the melting plastic on top of each pastry covered sausage this laser skill would have be useful to Ropo. There was, however, no-one there, just his tail lying across the cereal shelf whilst corn flakes covered the floor and lower shelving. ‘Damn those big bones’, Ropo thought to himself.
He turned back to the selection of crisps. Now he could have normal, fat free, ridged or those ones in a tube. Maybe fat free would be best, he had put a lot of weight on that day. ‘Oh no’, he thought to himself, ‘is it green or blue for salt and vinegar in fat free crisps? These marketing executives who change the colour of crisps willy-nilly just confuse me!’ He picked the green pack, after all it went better with his skin, and headed for the door.
The thing about having a brain is that it works in funny ways, we hear on the news how cruel and horrible man can be. Often the stories of kindness and bravery are overlooked. Being human may mean being horrid sometimes but it also means having a conscience. As soon as Ropo got to the door he felt bad, something inside him told him stealing was wrong. He turned and headed for the counter, taking out the stand containing bags of sweets with the large bones in his tail in the process. That shifty look from left to right came again, this time it wasn’t to say I didn’t do it, this time it was to check if anyone had notice. As they had all run out scream some time before he thought he had got away with it.
When he got to the counter he placed the crisps down and gave a small cough. The cashier, slowly and rather shakily rose to his feet. Ropo could hear his teeth chattering in his mouth, he could see beads of sweat from on his forehead and notice the nervous twitch in his leg. The silence lasted what felt like a lifetime….to a fly….who has just flown into a car window….safe to say only a few seconds really.
It takes many years to learn a language, but Ropo found that, in stories at least, one side effect of toxic waste was the ability to speak English despite not ever hearing half the words he was about to use. He coughed once again to clear his throat, he didn’t need to, it just seem right. ‘I would like to purchase these crisp but have no means of payment’, he said with a croak as if he had lost his voice a week ago and was only just trying it out again.
The cashier’s face turned from shock to bemusement, where both eyebrows had been raised and his mouth wide open, one eyebrow dropped and the opposite side of his mouth turned up. All he could manage was, ‘you what?’
Ropo coughed yet again, ‘I do not have any cash on me but would like to partake in devouring these potato based snacks’, this time it was less croaky as Ropo got used to speaking English, well just speaking in general.
‘But, but, but….’, the cashier replied, ‘you’re a ten foot lizard, you could just rip my head off and take the crisps.’ He suddenly regretted saying that. When faced with a scary monster bent on eating some sort of food, telling them the best way to tear you apart is not a useful strategy.
‘Oh no’, replied Ropo, ‘no need for that, the crisps will do fine.’
The cashier was about to say ‘take them then’ and then follow that with a healthy bit of running away. But for some reason his curiosity got the better of him. He simply replied, ‘so you’re not some kind of evil monster then?’
‘Don’t think so,’ said Ropo, ‘never really given it any thought?’
At that moment the cashier had a great idea. It is probably useful as this point to explain that the cashier hated his job, he failed his GCSEs through lack of trying and although he wanted to move on in the world it was all too much effort. However, having a ten foot lizard as a friend, that would make life easier. ‘Every thought of crime fighting?’
‘No, would that not involve beating people up?’
‘Yeah’, said the cashier excitedly, ‘wouldn’t it be great?’
‘Not really, I’m not one for all that violence stuff.’
‘Oh, we could just tie them up and hand them to the police?’ The cashier stated in a questioning manner.
‘I’d go for a bit of that.’
‘So we could be like a crime fighting team, you know just like the X-Men, Batman and Robin, Starsky and Hutch or….er…er…er….Lilo and Stitch.’ The cashier trailed off towards the end.
‘If you want, as long as it isn’t too scary.’
‘Cool you can be the hero and I’ll be the side kick, we can be Super Lizard and….’
There was a pause. Ropo filled it, ‘what’s your name?’
‘Tony’, replied the cashier.
‘Cool, so were Super Lizard and Tony, crime fighters.’
‘errr….yeah….not sure Tony works, how about Lizard Boy, or The Dynamic Man or The Decriminator.’
‘I like Tony.’
‘Ok, Tony it is’, said Tony rather dejected.
‘So when do we start?’
‘Whenever, we will need some costumes but there’s a fancy dress shop in the next town over, could start there?’
‘If you want.’
‘It’s gonna be well good’, Tony replied, jumping a little on the spot in excitement, ‘I recon you could well crush someone with that fat tail of yours.’
Ropo’s face drop, he stared at Tony. Rather than the lasers shooting from his eyes he uttered those three fateful words, ‘it’s big boned!’
THE END
Further Information
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