by Kate Gavin
After chatting for a few minutes about their days, Cam shifted the focus of their conversation toward more serious and personal topics. She was grateful for any insight Riley could give her into the conflicting emotions she had swirling inside her. So far, no matter the question, Riley had been patient, comforting, and understanding.
“When did you know you were gay?” Cam asked quietly during a lull in the conversation.
“Um, I think it was around seventh or eighth grade. I knew I was different than some of my other friends because I never paid attention to guys except to be friends or play sports and video games with them. And when other girls would talk about their celebrity crushes, I thought about girls instead of guys.”
“Have you ever kissed a guy?”
“I have. His name was Derrick and it was during a game of Truth or Dare the summer before eighth grade. Definitely helped cement the idea in my mind that guys weren’t going to do it for me. I felt absolutely nothing.”
Cam let that roll around in her head a bit. She couldn’t say that about the guys she had kissed, especially Danny. A pre-emptive blush rose up her neck and cheeks before she asked her next question. “Have you ever had sex with a guy?”
“No.”
“With a girl?”
“Yes.”
“Okay then,” Cam mumbled. There was so much more she was curious about when thinking about sex between two girls, but her nerves took over. She would just have to file that question away for later. She cleared her throat and asked, “How did you come out? How did your parents and friends react?”
Riley took a deep breath and said, “My friend, Mike, was actually the first person I told that I thought I was gay.” She let out a soft chuckle. “He actually asked me to the eighth grade dance, but I had to turn him down. I didn’t want to lie and give him the excuse of just wanting to be friends, so I told him I was a lesbian. He was great about it. You could tell he was disappointed. I kinda got the feeling he had a crush on me, but he never said anything bad. I didn’t tell my other friends until I started dating Abby. My other friends, Brian and Katie, were great about it too. It didn’t even seem to faze them when I admitted Abby and I were dating. I think it helped that we had been a close group of friends for a couple years by that point.”
Cam felt an immediate twinge of jealousy when she heard Abby’s name. “Did you and Abby date long?”
“Um, we dated for most of junior year.”
“What happened? Why did you break up?”
“I guess the big reason was that I knew I was moving and I didn’t think we could work that out. But I also knew she wasn’t it for me. I love her and she’s a great friend, but it felt like something was missing—that there should be something more.”
“D-do you still love her?”
“Yes, I love her. I will probably always love her—as a good friend, nothing more. But, I’m not in love with her. You don’t have anything to worry about. I really like you, Cam, and I want to see where things go between us if you’re up for it.”
Cam breathed a quiet sigh of relief. “I definitely am.”
“Good. Um, so, coming out to my parents didn’t go as smoothly.” She let out a sigh. “You know I’m pretty close with both my parents, but my mom especially. I sat her down one day about a month or two after my sixteenth birthday and told her. She kind of just sat there in silence for a few minutes. Once I started crying, she pulled me in for a hug and told me she loved me no matter what. I let her tell my dad, and later he told me that he loved me. But I’ll be honest, those first few weeks after I told them were pretty uncomfortable. A couple times they asked if I was going through a phase or if I was just confused. It took a lot of talking to get where we are now. They were great when I started dating Abby and then after we broke up. I know I’m lucky that I can talk to my mom about crushes or girls I’m into, you included.”
“Your mom knows about me?” Cam squeaked out.
Riley let out a small laugh. “Yeah, she does. Is that okay?”
“Sure…I guess. I have no idea what my mom and dad are going to say, or Claire. Shit, I feel like it’s not going to go well. They’ll probably think it’s totally coming out of nowhere.”
“Don’t worry about it too much right now. You’re just starting to figure it out for yourself. You can take as much time as you need before letting other people know. Cam, this is your thing. You dictate who knows and when they find out. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“And no matter what happens, good or bad, I will be there for you. Even if that means nothing more happens between us. Okay?”
“Okay. Thanks, Riley. That means more to me than you’ll ever know.”
“You’re welcome. Have the websites I sent you helped at all?”
“They have, yeah. I never knew any of this stuff. It’s nice to know there are others who feel like I do. I never really saw sexuality as a spectrum before, and it’s certainly not talked about in school, at church, or home. I always thought there was just straight and gay. To see others talk about feeling conflicted growing up because they thought both guys and girls were cute, but they didn’t know what to do with those feelings has been reassuring. So, seeing that has made me realize I’m not alone. But as soon as I saw the term bisexual and what it meant, I wasn’t confused anymore. It all made sense.
“I mean, as a kid, I always felt more comfortable around guys than girls. I refused to wear dresses or makeup and do my hair. I would rather climb trees or play video games than play with dolls or do anything considered girly, but when I felt attracted to others, it wasn’t just for the guys I hung around with. Seeing cute girls brought butterflies to my stomach just like seeing a cute guy did.” She was quiet for several seconds before asking, “Does that bother you?”
“What?”
“That I’m attracted to guys and have only dated them before?”
“Why would that bother me?”
“I don’t know. After reading a bunch of things online, a lot of people seem to be uncomfortable when the people they’re dating like more than one gender. There were so many posts about people thinking bisexuals are greedy or cheaters or confused. That’s not me, Riley. I want you to know that.”
“I do know that. And no, it doesn’t bother me. I know there are some people who feel that way, but I’m not one of them. Got it?”
She let out the breath she had been holding and smiled. “Yeah, I got it. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. It’s getting late, so I should probably get ready for bed.”
She looked at her alarm clock and noticed it was close to midnight and they had been talking for a couple hours. “You’re right. I didn’t realize it was so late.”
“Me neither. Guess time just flies when you’re talking to a cute girl.”
Blushing, Cam replied, “Guess so.”
“I’ll see you at school tomorrow. Goodnight, Cam. Sweet dreams.”
“You too. Bye.”
After kissing Riley, Cam hadn’t been sure when or if she was going to label her sexuality. All she had known was that she had only dated guys, which could be great, but she couldn’t hide the attraction she felt toward some girls, especially Riley. There was no way she wanted to deny that, but telling Riley she was bi felt right, just like it probably felt for Riley when she told Mike she was a lesbian. Cam didn’t know how or when she would tell her parents or Claire, but for now, she couldn’t think about it. Coming to terms and defining her sexuality was the first step. Exploring what she had with Riley was next. Telling others would happen. Eventually.
Chapter Thirteen
January was nearing its end, and while Cam kept busy with school and work, she had less responsibility for her brothers since her mom cut her hours at her second job. Cam’s free time was spent hanging out with Riley and Claire. She and Riley rarely had one-on-one time, so they snuck kisses at every opportunity but had yet to go on a real date.
On the last Wednesday of the month, they made plans aft
er school to do homework together since Cam had the night off from the library and Claire had plans with Luke. Riley drove Cam home and they went up to Cam’s room after saying a brief hello to Ethan and her mom.
Once they closed the door, they tossed their backpacks onto the floor and stood at the foot of the bed shyly staring at each other before Riley cupped Cam’s face and closed the distance between them to place a soft kiss on Cam’s lips. Cam wrapped her arms around Riley’s waist and pulled them together.
Just as Cam opened her mouth wider and teased Riley’s lower lip with her tongue, she heard Claire’s voice in the hallway, “Hey, Ethan.” Then Claire opened the bedroom door—only a second after Cam and Riley had separated. “Hey, guys.” She eyed them both curiously once she noticed they were out of breath. “What have you guys been doing?”
Cam tried not to panic, but she had a feeling she was failing, miserably. Thankfully, Riley stepped in front of her, and calmly said, “Nothing. We were just goofing around. Wanted to delay homework as long as possible, ya know?”
“Uh-huh,” Claire replied, her tone laced with suspicion. “I just came over to see if I could borrow your physics notes, Cam.”
Cam cleared her throat as she went rummaging in her backpack. “Um, sure. Here you go,” she said as she handed over the notebook but kept her gaze averted from Claire’s.
“Everything okay?”
She looked up then, trying to look unaffected. “What? Oh, yeah—everything’s fine.”
Claire’s mouth tightened into a thin line. Knowing Claire for all these years meant that Cam could read Claire’s facial expressions. And right now, they were screaming that she didn’t believe a word of what Cam just said. “Okay. Well, thanks for the notes. I’ll give them back to you tomorrow. Bye, guys.”
“See ya, Claire,” Cam replied as Claire shut the door. Cam sat down on the bed and put her head in her hands. “Shit, she almost caught us.”
Riley sat down next to Cam and wrapped her arm around her waist. “I’m sorry.”
Cam dropped her hands, turning her head to look at Riley. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I should be the one who’s sorry. I’m the one hiding and lying to everyone.”
“Cam, you’re not lying. You’re only just coming to terms with this yourself, and it’s your decision as to when you let others know about it.”
“I know, but Claire is going to think I’ve lied to her about this. I’m sorry I’m not ready. I hate that you have to hide as well.”
“Stop. If you haven’t noticed, I haven’t told anyone else that I’m gay either, so I’m in the same boat as you.”
“Yeah, I guess, but—”
Riley placed a finger against Cam’s lips. “But nothing. When you’re ready to tell Claire, I will be there for you. Remember what I told you on New Year’s—there’s no rush. Okay?”
Cam nodded as she moved Riley’s hand away from her lips and interlaced their fingers. She leaned in and placed a tender kiss on Riley’s lips. She pulled back slightly so their lips were barely touching and said quietly, “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. Now, I guess we should do our homework.”
“Well that’s no fun.”
They sat in relative quiet for an hour, shoulder-to-shoulder, completing that night’s homework assignments. While Cam worked on her calculus worksheet, she sensed Riley glancing at her occasionally. Figuring Riley had something on her mind, Cam decided to wait it out and let Riley break the silence.
After a few more minutes, Riley cleared her throat and asked quietly, “Um, Cam?”
“Yeah?” she said distractedly as she finished writing the answer to the problem she was working on. Then she looked up and noticed Riley was picking at a thread on the comforter. She didn’t say anything for a moment, so Cam asked, “Everything okay?”
Smiling, she said, “Yeah. Just nervous I guess.”
“Why?”
Riley stopped picking at the thread and wrung her hands together. “Do you…do you want to go to dinner with me on Saturday?” She glanced up at Cam briefly before looking down at her hands.
Now Cam fully understood Riley’s nervousness, and the corners of her mouth quirked up as she tried to hide her smile. Riley was quite adorable when she was nervous. “Like a date?”
“Um, yeah, a date. I mean, if that’s what you want.”
“I’d love to.”
Immediately, Riley looked up at Cam with a beaming smile as she asked in wonder, “You would?”
Cam reached over to hold her hand and their fingers instantly interlocked. “Of course I would,” she replied before leaning in to kiss her. As she sat back, Cam asked, “Why were you nervous?”
Shrugging, she said, “I don’t know. Part of me was afraid you’d say no. I mean, we just talked about how much you hate that we’re hiding, so I know we won’t be able to completely act like a couple. I didn’t want to scare you off or have you think I was forcing you into any public situation.”
“I’m sorry we can’t act like a couple, Riley. I will get there eventually. I promise.”
“I know. I’m not trying to pressure you.”
Cam cradled her face with one hand and trailed light kisses underneath Riley’s chin and down her neck. Cam’s efforts were rewarded with a shudder and soft sigh. Once she repeated the trail up her neck, she whispered in Riley’s ear, “Thank you for being patient with me.” Before Riley could reply, Cam captured her lips and kissed her. “I just want you to know how much that means to me.”
Riley smiled and nodded as Cam returned to her homework. Knowing the effect of that kiss, the corners of Cam’s mouth twitched upward when she heard Riley take a deep, shaky breath.
“I’ll pick you up at seven. Is that okay?”
Cam offered her a bright smile. “That’s perfect.”
Riley closed her Spanish book and reached for her chemistry notes. She placed her backpack on the floor and moved farther down the bed, so she could lie down and rest her head in Cam’s lap. Cam’s fingers brushed through her hair, bringing a wide smile to Riley’s face.
* * *
Saturday arrived and Cam was nervous with first date jitters. While they would’ve preferred to dress up and celebrate their first date, Cam wouldn’t have been able to explain that to her mother so they opted for simple and decided to head to their favorite burger place. Cam dressed casually in skinny jeans, a long beige sweater, and brown boots. She skipped the makeup and pulled her hair into a ponytail.
She went downstairs to wait for Riley and sat at the kitchen table while her mom and brothers ate dinner. “It’s still okay for Riley to spend the night, right?”
“Of course. She’s always welcome here.”
“Great.” She turned her head toward the front of the house when she heard a car door close. “That must be her. We’ll be back in a little while.” She stood and gave her mom and brothers each a hug from behind. Josh tried to squirm away, but she held him tighter and then ruffled his hair.
Cam reached the door a second after Riley knocked. She wore jeans, brown boots, and a tight, dark green sweater that accentuated her eyes and her curves. Cam admired her before stepping outside and closing the door. “You look great, Riley.”
“So do you,” Riley replied, giving Cam a kiss on her cheek.
Once they were in the safety of Riley’s car, Cam reached across the console and squeezed Riley’s hand. She gently pulled her toward her for a quick kiss. “Hi,” she whispered.
“Hey there,” Riley replied with a smile. “Ready for our first official date?”
“Oh yes!”
They arrived at the restaurant and were seated at a small table against a wall of windows. They quickly placed their orders and sat back to enjoy the night. Cam had to fight the urge to reach across the table to hold Riley’s hand, but the table was so small that their knees brushed. It may have initially happened accidentally, but neither one of them severed the contact.
“Thanks for saying yes to the date,”
Riley said after their dinner arrived.
Cam looked at her with confusion. “Did you think I’d actually say no?”
“I just wasn’t sure. But, I’m really happy you said yes.”
“Me too.”
Once they were enjoying their meal, Riley asked, “How are things with your mom now that she’s basically just teaching?”
“It’s really good. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m not as responsible for Josh and Ethan anymore. Now, I can focus on school…and you,” she replied with a wink. “Plus, Mom has been in a better mood, and I can tell she isn’t as stressed as she was last year. I think that’s making a huge difference.”
“That’s great. Have you thought about talking to her about us?”
“I have, but I’m not sure when. I want to wait until we both have more time to process it, like during spring break, but part of me just wants to wait until after graduation. If she reacts badly, then I’ll be leaving anyway so we wouldn’t have to put up with each other for very long. What do you think?”
“Well, I don’t know your mom as well as you, so I can’t even guess her reaction. I understand wanting to wait for a time where you can both deal with it. If you think waiting until you’re ready to leave for college is best, then I’ll support that. Do you want me there when you tell her?”
“No, I think it’s something I should do myself. Plus, I don’t want her to blame you or think you’re the only reason for my coming out.”
Riley looked at her with wide eyes. “You think she’d blame me?”
Cam shrugged. “I really don’t know, but I don’t want to take that chance.”
“Okay,” Riley muttered as she looked down at her empty plate.
Cam recognized the hurt in her eyes, and she reached under the table and placed her hand on Riley’s knee, making slow circles with her thumb. “Hey, I appreciate the offer. You know it’ll be better to do it alone anyway. Your mom probably wouldn’t have been a big fan if you had someone else there with you when you came out to her.”