by Kate Gavin
Clenching her jaw tightly and curling her hands into fists, Cam took a couple of slow, deep breaths as she tried to tamp down her anger, but she knew her anger and annoyance with her mom wasn’t what they needed to hear. Instead she focused on the sad truth that she had unknowingly hurt them by shutting herself away.
“I’m really sorry, guys. She’s right that I’ve been dealing with some things, but I’m not confused about anything.” She stopped to consider how much they should know and what their reactions would be. She decided honesty was the best policy. “So, you guys like Riley?”
Right away, Ethan smiled. “Definitely. I like her. She showed me a secret shortcut in Mario Kart.” He scrunched his eyebrows and frowned as he asked, “Why doesn’t she come over anymore?”
“Well, that’s where it gets a bit complicated.” Cam sat back and rubbed her sweaty palms on her jeans repeatedly. “I like her too. I really like her. Um, she’s actually my girlfriend.” They furrowed their brows as they tried to work this out in their heads.
“Like the way Danny was your boyfriend?” Josh asked.
“Yep.”
“But she’s a girl,” Ethan said in a puzzled tone.
Briefly smiling, Cam replied, “That she is, but that doesn’t mean I can’t date her.”
In his innocent way, Ethan shrugged and said, “Whatever. Can she come back to show me more tricks?”
They heard their mom yell up the stairs to Ethan that he should be in bed.
He jumped up quickly, gave her a hug, and said, “Crap. Night, guys.”
Cam watched him go and couldn’t help but think, why can’t everyone accept it that easily? Turning back to Josh, she saw him still looking at his hands and with the look on his face that he got when he was trying to work out a tough homework problem.
“Josh, are you okay?”
“So, you’re gay?”
Although not completely surprised by his question, Cam was thrown off by his matter-of-fact delivery, so she decided she should be just as blunt and honest with him. “No, I’m bisexual. It means my attraction to someone has nothing to do with that person’s gender. Does that weird you out?” she asked hesitantly.
He tilted his head to the side before answering. “I guess not. I thought there was just straight and gay,” he said.
Cam wanted him to understand, but she didn’t know how detailed she should be with her explanation. She didn’t want to treat him like a child, but she didn’t want to confuse him either. Hell, she was still learning and still felt ignorant about some of the nuances of sexuality.
“I used to think so too. But there’s really a whole range for attraction and sexuality. Some people are only attracted to one gender. Some are equally attracted to any gender. Some are attracted to any but still have a preference. And some are attracted to no one at all.”
Cam followed his gaze as he looked toward the floor while gripping his sheets as he slowly nodded his head. “Okay, but, why are you crying all the time?”
She took in a swift breath and her head snapped up as she looked at him in surprise. “What?”
“I can hear you through the wall sometimes, Cam.”
Cam hated that she was putting her brother in the same position that she was in when she would hear their mom crying after the divorce. She didn’t want to give Josh anything more to worry about. She decided not to tell him that their mother had banished Riley from the house. She didn’t want him to get caught between their mom and her.
“I’m sorry, Joshie. It’s been rough dealing with these feelings and what it means for me. While I’m not confused, it’s still scary to wonder how others will react. And Riley and I haven’t seen each other much.”
“Why not? Is she not treating you right?” he asked with a protectiveness that reminded her of the night when he came into her room to give her a hug when she was crying at her desk.
“She treats me perfectly,” Cam said with a smile. “I’m really okay, Josh. It’s just been a tough couple of weeks. Okay?” He slowly nodded his head. “Now, I need to go do some homework and you should probably get ready for bed before Mom gets mad. Get your butt up and give me a hug.” They stood so she could give him a hug. “I love you.”
In his younger brother way, he replied, “Yeah, yeah,” but she knew he felt the same because she could feel his arms tighten around her a little more. Pulling away, he said, “Night, Cam.”
Cam lightly swatted his arm as she said goodnight and headed into her room. Sitting on her bed, she smiled with pride as she thought about how lucky she was to have Josh and Ethan as her brothers. Even though she often just saw them as kids, she was often amazed by their insight and compassion. She just wished her mom could be as accepting as them.
The following day at school was typical. She had made plans for Riley to come to the library during her shift that night so they could talk and hang out. After her last class, she stopped at her locker. Then she saw Claire walking toward her. Claire had her head down because she was looking at her phone. She finally raised her head and stood still once she met Cam’s gaze. It had been a little over a week since Claire had delightfully told Cam to fuck off. Since then, they had avoided each other as much as possible.
When they were about twenty feet apart, Cam could see Claire’s eyes were searching for something—maybe something to say or maybe a way out of the situation. Cam decided not to say anything. She wanted to give her time in case she wanted to talk. But that didn’t happen. Claire closed her eyes, shook her head slightly, and walked past her without looking at her again. Cam watched her until she entered a classroom at the end of the hallway. Dropping her head, Cam continued outside. She didn’t want to be late for work.
Riley arrived at the library about an hour after Cam’s shift had started. Cam had texted which section she’d be working in, so Riley went up to the second floor and searched the rows until she found her. Cam didn’t notice her and continued putting books back in their rightful spots. Riley took the opportunity to study her beautiful girlfriend. Today she was wearing skinny jeans, black Converses, and a red and black plaid button-down shirt.
She’d learned the little quirks that made Cam who she was. Riley could detect the subtle differences in her expressions which telegraphed her mood—shyness in the forms of a small smile or a hand rubbing the back of her neck—happened any time Cam was complimented or praised. Other times, teasing Riley brought a mischievous glint to Cam’s eyes. And when they were alone, Riley became breathless with just one look from Cam.
Before Cam could notice her, Riley looked around to make sure no one was in the immediate vicinity. She wrapped her arms around Cam’s waist and kissed her just below her ear.
“Hi, Cam.”
Instantly, Cam released a sigh and leaned back into Riley’s embrace, and Riley squeezed Cam a little tighter. The feeling of warmth and comfort Riley always got when she had her arms around Cam was short-lived when Cam quickly straightened and looked around frantically.
“I’m sorry.”
Sighing, Riley said, “It’s okay, Cam. But there isn’t anyone around. I wouldn’t have done that if there were.”
“I know,” Cam replied as she looked toward the floor.
Riley placed two fingers underneath her chin. Once their eyes met, she gave her a faint smile and stepped away until her back was resting against the shelves behind her.
“How was the rest of your day?”
“It was fine. Claire and I had a bit of an interaction. We had a slight stare down in the hallway after school. I think I saw less anger in her eyes than I have in a week, but I don’t know. She still didn’t say anything. Just walked past me without any other acknowledgment.” Shrugging with a sad smile, she added, “I guess that’s an improvement.”
“I know this all sucks. Do you want me to talk to her?”
“No!” Cam looked around again before lowering her voice. “Sorry, no. This is my thing to deal with. Maybe I’ll get her to come around eventually. Like you
said, I just need to give her time.”
“Okay.”
Riley struggled not to reach out and offer some sort of physical comfort. It was in times like these that all she wanted to do was wrap her arms around Cam and tell her everything was going to be okay. She had hoped Cam would have relaxed more now that all the important people in her life knew they were together, but she understood why Cam got scared about strangers seeing them from time to time. Riley would never admit this to Cam, but she was still nervous that everything would be too much for Cam, and Cam would break up with her.
After some awkward moments of silence, Riley spoke up. “I should get going. I don’t want to get you in any trouble. Plus, I have some homework to do. Can I call you later?”
“Of course. You can always call me.”
Cam took a deep breath and looked around once more before gently cradling Riley’s face in her hands. Riley relaxed into the touch, closing her eyes to revel in the warmth and softness of Cam’s fingertips as they slowly caressed her cheeks. She kept her eyes closed as Cam’s lips captured her own. The kiss was slow and settling, and it wiped away all of Riley’s fears, for she was able to confirm exactly how Cam felt from this one kiss. She knew she was loved.
Cam pulled away and whispered, “I’ll talk to you later.”
Riley nodded, and as she turned down the aisle, she felt Cam’s gaze on her back. Just as she was about to go out of Cam’s field of vision, she glanced back and gave Cam a smile and a wink, happy to see Cam respond with a wide smile of her own.
* * *
It was the end of the school day. Claire and Cam were the last ones to gather their things. As their physics teacher walked out of the room, Cam hurried to close the door to the classroom and she stood in front of it like a guard.
“Get out of my way,” Claire growled.
“No.”
“What do you want, Cameron?” Claire asked harshly.
“I just want you to talk to me. You can’t avoid me forever.”
“Why not? You’re a liar. I can never trust you again.”
“Please, Claire. Let’s just talk about this.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. You disgust me. You and Riley disgust me. Your lies disgust me. Don’t talk to me ever again. We’re done! Now get the hell out of my way!” she yelled as she grabbed Cam by the shoulders and pushed her to the side. Cam tried to grip the doorframe to keep herself upright, but she missed and crashed to the ground.
Bolting upright in bed, Cam placed a hand on her chest and calmed her breathing. Never had a dream felt so real before. She guessed her little interaction with Claire earlier had been the catalyst for the nightmare. Looking at the clock, she saw it was two in the morning. She extracted herself from the sheets that had twisted around her legs, deciding a drink might help her go back to sleep. She ventured downstairs for a glass of water.
As she reached the bottom of the stairs, she heard what she thought was crying and sniffling. Confused and scared, she tiptoed toward the noise coming from the kitchen. As she peeked around the entryway, her mom sat at the kitchen table with her elbows resting on the table and her head in her hands, her fingers gripping her hair.
Cam was shocked. She had only heard her mom crying throughout the divorce—she’d never seen it. Just as she was about to turn around and head back upstairs, she heard her mom talking to herself and slowly shaking her head from side to side.
“Shit, she could get hurt. People suck. They’re mean, they’re judgmental, they’re…damn it,” her mom said a little louder as she rubbed her hands over her face. Her mom must have sensed her there because she raised her head and looked directly at Cam.
Cam noticed her mom’s current deer-in-headlights look mirrored the one she gave her the day she came out. “Mom?”
Her mom straightened in her chair, wiped away her tears, and crossed her arms. “Cameron, it’s late. You should be in bed,” she said in a harsher tone than Cam expected. Cam flinched briefly and opened her mouth to say something, but her mom interrupted her before she could get anything out, and said hoarsely, “Go.”
Nodding her head, Cam headed back upstairs as her mom released a heavy sigh. Once she was in her room, she sat on the side of the bed with her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. She didn’t know if she had ever seen her mom so distraught. When her parents were going through the divorce, her mom’s expressions were filled more with anger and disappointment. Just now, Cam saw her body language and facial expressions filled with sadness, confusion, and worst of all, fear.
Knowing she was the cause filled Cam with almost overwhelming dread, yet there was a sliver of hope there as well. Maybe her mom was just scared about how others would treat her. Maybe she didn’t actually have a problem with her sexuality. Yeah, right. She barely acknowledges me beyond asking about my day. She didn’t really seem to care.
When Cam woke the next morning, she found her mom sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee. Cam saw the red tint to her eyes and the dark circles surrounding them. Quietly she prepared her breakfast as her mom cleared her throat.
“Have any tests today, Cam?”
Cam looked at her mom as if she had grown two heads, and asked, “Are we really not going to talk about last night? Why were you crying?”
“It’s nothing. I guess stress has been catching up with me.”
“The stress that I’ve caused, right?”
“Just give me time. I never expected any of this. I’m not sure what the proper protocol is for any of it.”
“And you think I do?” Cam asked incredulously. “Well, I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment and causing you all these problems.” She stood, her appetite suddenly gone, and gathered the bowl of untouched cereal to take it to the sink.
Her mom lightly gripped her free arm, looked her in the eyes, and quietly said, “Cameron, you could never be a disappointment. This has just been surprising. I talked with your father and he agreed to have you come and visit during spring break. He’ll pick you up on Saturday.”
She opened her mouth to say something comforting, but instead she grasped onto the anger she still had inside and said in calm, yet detached voice, “I get it. You just want me out of your sight. That’s what you mean by giving you time.”
“That is not at all what I meant, and you know it.”
“Whatever. I need to get ready for school.” Cam put her bowl in the sink and hurried upstairs to get dressed. It seemed avoidance had become her go-to strategy lately, and it must be her mom’s as well.
Chapter Seventeen
Just as her mom had said, Cam’s dad arrived around noon on Saturday to pick her up. Her mom answered the door while Cam finished gathering her things, and she observed how her parents interacted with each other. As time had passed, they had been getting along more and they sometimes seemed genuinely happy to see each other. Today, she didn’t know if this was because her mom wanted to see him or because he was taking Cam with him, so they could have a break from each other.
But Cam was happy to see her dad. Her mom had obviously not explained why she wanted Cam to spend the week with him as he never asked about it during their calls. She certainly didn’t bring it up either. She already had one parent avoiding her, she didn’t want it to be both.
When she saw him at the door, she gave him a tight hug. However, her mood turned slightly sour as her mom offered her a hug and said, “Have a good time, Cam.”
Cam stiffened, but she said nothing, trying to be a dutiful daughter. Quickly ending the embrace, she grabbed her bag, put it in her dad’s SUV, and climbed into the front passenger seat.
Before she could distract herself with her phone or music, he said, “It’s really good to see you, Cam.”
With a small smile, Cam replied, “You too, Dad.”
He backed out of the driveway and they started their two-hour drive to Cincinnati. After a couple minutes of silence and once they merged onto the highway, he said, “Is everything okay? While I
’m thrilled that you’re staying with me for the week, it was kind of an abrupt plan. Are you and your mom fighting?”
“You could say that,” Cam replied as she picked at a hangnail on her thumb.
“Want to tell me about it?”
“Not really.”
“Cam, whatever it is, it’s probably not as bad as you think. You can—”
Cam turned to look at him. “You don’t know that. You’re not there.” She watched as pain quickly flashed in his eyes before he schooled his features again. God, I’m an ass.
Her dad quietly replied, “I know. And I am sorry for that.”
“No, Dad, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s okay. I know how you meant it.”
Cam clenched her jaw, angry at herself for lashing out like she did. Her dad didn’t deserve that. She knew she would have to tell him about Riley, but she didn’t want to hurt him even more. She released a breath and turned to face him again. “Can we talk about it later? I just don’t think I can right now.”
“Whenever you’re ready.”
Cam nodded and then put in her earbuds. She leaned her head against the window, watching the landscape go by. For the next two hours, she had time for her own thoughts and to figure out how she was going to tell her dad that she was bi.
Her father had always been a quiet guy when it came to personal subjects. He didn’t necessarily shy away from difficult topics, but he chose to listen instead of offering an opinion or giving advice about things he didn’t completely understand. They had never had any deep conversations about Danny or any of the other guys she had briefly dated, although, he had seemed to like Danny.
So it wasn’t surprising that sexuality had never come up in a conversation with him before—just like it had never come up with anyone else in her life until recently. Because of this, Cam didn’t know what her father’s stance was on sexual orientation. Thankfully, she had never heard him saying anything homophobic or intolerant about the LGBTQ community, but she had never heard him say anything in support of them either.