Reluctant to Love

by Gallo , Rebecca

  “I’m sorry you had to go through that,” I tell her softly. “I wish I could go back in time and change everything.”

  “I’ll spend the rest of my life earning Izzy’s forgiveness for those three months. What kind of mother does that, Roderick? What kind of mother just leaves her infant daughter like that?”

  I drop her hand and wrap my arm around her shoulders, tugging her close. “I don’t have an answer for you, sweets, but I suspect you’re harder on yourself than you need to be.”

  “When I came back, everything changed. I was determined to be a better mother, but I missed three months of my daughter’s life and she grew so fast.”

  “She was safe and loved while you took care of yourself. What if you hadn’t left?”

  She shudders beside me. “I don’t want to think about that. I was really struggling Roderick.”

  “You’re not alone now. I’ll spend forever making sure you and Izzy are loved.”

  “Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” she murmurs.

  “I have every intention of keeping them. You just have to have a little faith.”

  “I need time though. These last few days have been unexpected, and you’ve given me so much to consider.”

  Every instinct inside of me wants to push her, forcing her walls to crumble until she relents. But that’s not how I’m going to win her back. However, I’m not willing to give up what we have.

  “How about a compromise? I can live and work wherever I want. I’ll give you space, and I won’t push you but I’m not willing to just leave you, and Izzy, behind. You have to let me woo you, sweets.”

  “So, you’re just going to pack up and move to Cleveland?”

  “Yeah,” I say honestly. “You’re in love with a New York Times best-selling author. I move wherever I want.”

  She looks at me skeptically, raising one eyebrow. “Who said I was in love with you?”

  I dazzle her with my best panty-melting smile. “If you’re not, then by the end of the week, you will be.”

  She rolls her eyes, but I don’t miss the way her lips quirk into a smile she quickly tries to hide. God, I love that mouth and not kissing her every second of the day kills me. I place two fingers lightly under her chin and tilt her head back toward me.

  “Don’t ever hide your smile, Eleanor. And don’t ever deny me the opportunity to kiss you.”

  I dip my head and brush my lips slowly across her. She tastes unlike any other woman. Sweet and fresh. I deepen the kiss until she moans softly. If only we weren’t in economy on a packed flight to Cleveland.

  When our flight arrives, we make our way through the airport and pick up a rental car.

  “Where are you staying,” she asks.

  “With you.”

  “No, you’re not. We talked about this on the plane. I need space.”

  I place our luggage in the trunk and shut it firmly before stalking my way around the car toward her. My hands slip around her waist and pull her forward. “I’ll give you plenty of space,” I growl. “But you don’t need to be so difficult. We just got here. Let’s go to the hospital—”

  “No, you’re absolutely not coming to the hospital.”

  “Eleanor.”

  She shakes her head. “It’ll be too awkward for me to explain.”

  This time I put my foot down. “No. I want to see Izzy. I can stand outside her room or something but I’m coming with you. You hid her from me for too long.”

  She reels back, slipping out of my grip and I knew I said the wrong thing.

  “Shit,” I hiss. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “You have a right to be angry,” she says flatly. “But I have a right to protect Izzy.”

  “Please let me see her. I won’t go in her room or even talk to her unless you say so.”

  She looks away from me. “Fine, but you’re staying in a hotel.”

  “Deal.”

  When we’re finally in the car, she tells me the name of the hospital and I plug it into the GPS on my phone. Just knowing I’m finally going to see my daughter makes the drive seem like an eternity.

  The moment we pull into the parking lot of the children’s hospital, I start to feel nervous. What will Izzy look like? Will she have my green eyes or Eleanor’s piercing blue ones? What will she be like? Stubborn like her mother, I hope.

  Before we enter the hospital lobby, I stop Eleanor. “I just want to say, ‘thank you’ for letting me come.”

  “I can’t keep her from you forever,” she says quietly and then unexpectedly, she slips her hand into mine but says nothing else.

  The minute we step off the elevator onto Izzy’s floor, my heart starts beating rapidly and sweat forms along my brow. I’ve never been this nervous before in my life. Not even when I pitched my book to agents and publishers. The closer we get to her room, the heavier my steps feel until finally, we’re standing just outside the door.

  “Wait here,” Eleanor says quietly.

  She pushes open the door of Izzy’s room and disappears. I wait for long minutes, pacing the floor, until at last, the door opens back up and Eleanor appears.

  “She’s asleep. I don’t see any harm in coming inside for a minute.”

  “Are you sure?” I try to look past Eleanor because I don’t want to ask for more than she’s already given.

  She nods and then steps aside.

  I gasp at the first sight of my daughter. My heart beats thunderously and proudly in my chest. Izzy is the most beautiful little girl I’ve ever seen. Her hair is a pale strawberry blonde fanned out around her and there’s a slight smile on her lips even though she’s hooked up to all kinds of monitors.

  My hand covers my mouth briefly. This tiny human is mine. Tears stream down my cheeks and I brush them away.

  When she starts to stir, I freeze. Her eyes briefly flutter open before she curls back up under the covers and drifts off to sleep.

  I can’t risk pushing any more boundaries and I retreat, wondering if she saw me.

  “Are you okay,” Eleanor asks as she shuts the door to Izzy’s room.

  “She’s gorgeous,” I breathe out. “Just like you.”

  Eleanor smirks. “She’s your spitting image. Little wild child.”

  I can’t help myself. I reach out and gather her toward me, fisting my hands in her t-shirt and pressing my forehead to hers. “I know you don’t believe me, but I love you so damn much, Eleanor. You’ve given me a gift I never thought I’d receive. I know you think I’m unworthy, but I promise you, I’ll never break your heart again.”

  “What about her heart?”

  “Never, Eleanor. I’d die before I let that happen.”

  11

  Eleanor

  “So, that was Roderick?” My mother’s voice is amused.

  “Yep,” I say. “That’s Roderick.”

  When we first arrived at the hospital, my mom gave us both a few minutes alone with Izzy.

  “You did a very brave thing letting him come up here.” She comes up beside me and wraps her arm around my shoulders.

  “He should know his daughter. It was wrong of me not to tell him for so long.”

  I let her wrap me up in a tight hug and I inhale her familiar comforting scent. Lavender and vanilla. We sit down in the hard chairs outside of Izzy’s room. “What are you going to do,” she asks me.

  “About what?”

  “About Roderick.”

  I lean my head back and sigh. “I have no idea. He said he would move here so it would be easier for us to get back together.”

  “Do you want that?”

  That’s the million-dollar question. “Maybe I should ask the cards.”

  My mother huffs out a laugh. “You want to ask the cards? Please, you’re the most logical person I know, Eleanor. No, you don’t need the cards or anything else to tell you what to do. You simply need to listen to your heart.”

  “My heart is an idiot, Mom.”

  She shakes her head firmly.
“Your heart is very wise. Listen to it for once in your life.”

  Her statement is full of irony because I listened to my heart once before and it ended badly. I stand up and peak in Izzy’s room. She woke up for a minute and Roderick freaked out. I could tell he was worried she saw him from the way he fled her room. But his promises echo through my thoughts.

  Can I really trust him not to break my heart again? Not to break his daughter’s heart?

  My phone buzzes in my back pocket and I pull it out. There’s a message from Roderick.

  Roderick: Staying at a hotel nearby. It’s not the Ritz but it’s close enough to the hospital.

  Me: Okay.

  Roderick: Please call me in the morning.

  Me: Okay.

  I slip my phone into my bag and walk into Izzy’s room. She looks so tiny and fragile in the hospital bed. The only encouraging news is her fever is finally starting to break.

  I pull a chair up beside her bed and reach out to grasp her little hand in mine. My thumb brushes over the back of it and I hum her favorite song softly. I carry so much guilt in my heart, but I can start moving forward by letting Roderick into his daughter’s life. I can give Izzy something I denied her for far too long.

  I take in the room and notice the collection of crystals on the table next to the bed. All I can do is roll my eyes at my mother. Crystals, horoscopes, tarot cards… she puts her faith in all of them and now it’s time for me to put my faith in Roderick.

  I stand up, lean across the bed to brush a kiss against Izzy’s cheek and then quietly slip out of her room.

  “Can you stay with her for a little while longer?” I ask my mom.

  She gives me a knowing smile and nods. “Of course.”

  “I won’t be long,” I tell her, gathering up my bag.

  “Take all the time you need.” And that’s when I notice the deck of cards in her hand. Hmm. I guess she did consult higher powers anyway.

  In the elevator, I pull out my phone and notice Roderick has texted his hotel information. When I plug the information into the maps app on my phone, I realize he’s incredibly close. As in, right across the street. It’s early spring and there’s still a chill in the air so I tighten up my sweater and hurry toward the hotel.

  I’m not an impulsive person by any means. Most of the time, when I do anything remotely reckless, I instantly regret it. And standing in front of Roderick’s hotel room is about as spontaneous as I’ve gotten recently.

  There’s no hesitation when I raise my hand to knock on the door and when he opens it, his green eyes wide with surprise, I rush forward, wrapping my arms around his neck and planting a firm, searing kiss on his lips.

  To my relief, Roderick reciprocates. His arms hold onto me tightly as he drags me inside and the door closes quickly behind us. We don’t even leave the small entryway. He presses me against the back of the door, holding me steady as he takes charge. He deepens the kiss, exploring my mouth with his tongue while his hands skim my sides.

  For once, listening to my heart feels like the right decision.

  I whimper when Roderick breaks our kiss and pulls away. “What are you doing here,” he asks breathlessly.

  “Guilty conscience,” I joke.

  “Is Izzy okay?”

  “She’s fine.” I push him away slightly and step into the room.

  It really is just one step up from the bare necessities.

  “There’s a lot that needs to be healed between us, Roderick. It’s not going to be easy.” I sit down on the edge of the king-sized bed and look up at him. I feel like I’m cutting myself open, exposing my sins and my secrets to him. “But Izzy needs you.”

  He shoves his hands deep into his pockets. His long auburn hair is tied back loosely, and a few pieces swing in front of his face. He walks toward me slowly, his eyes dark pools of desire. “And what about you?” His voice is low and sends shivers up and down my spine. He stops right in front of me and looks down. “What do you need?”

  My hands shake as they reach up to grasp his black leather belt. I look up at him and bite down on my lower lip, letting is release slowly. “I need you too.”

  He covers my hand with his; it’s so much larger than mine. I can’t believe I’ve never noticed that before. In fact, everything about him seems larger than life including the definite bulge staring me right in the face.

  “Are you sure?” His question is my way out; my last chance to escape but my mind is made up.

  There hasn’t been another man in my bed since him and there never will be. He’s been the only man in my heart. For whatever reason, fate has given us a second chance and I’d be a fool to pass it up.

  I let my hand fall away and I scoot back on the bed. “I need you,” I repeat.

  There is a flash of something unfamiliar in his eyes. Normally, he is so sure and confident; rarely does he second guess himself but the man hesitating in front of me is vulnerable. It’s a moment of raw honesty and it cracks my heart wide open.

  This brief glimpse of weakness is gone in a flash, replaced by the self-assured, passionate man I fell in love with.

  His hands quickly unbutton his jeans and he shoves them down his thighs before kicking them away. His nostrils flare slightly before he presses one knee to the bed and lowers himself over top of me.

  His nose traces the curve up my shoulder and the length of my neck before he presses a kiss to my jaw. I sigh with pleasure. This feels more like a homecoming than a reunion. I was always meant to be with him and after a long four years, I’m back where I belong.

  “Touch me,” I plead. I’m dying to have his hands on me, to feel the brush of his fingers against my skin.

  His fingers dive under my t-shirt and skim across my belly. Every place he touches seems to ignite with a white-hot heat. He sits up and glances down. His hands push my shirt up and he lowers his head to place a kiss just under my belly button. He hooks his fingers around the waistband of my black leggings and tugs them down.

  He sucks in a sharp breath as he studies the faint scar on my pelvis. In the dim light of the hotel room, I’m not quite sure how he can see it, but his lips tell me he knows it’s there.

  There is still so much we have to talk about, still so much we need to figure out, but it can all wait.

  12

  Roderick

  There are subtle changes to Eleanor’s body. Her curves are softer, and there are faint silvery stretch marks on her tummy. And then there’s the scar. So light it almost blends in but long ago, I memorized every inch of her and saw it instantly.

  “Izzy was born via c-section?” My voice is quiet, and I place another kiss on her stomach.

  She sucks in a sharp breath. “Yes. It’s a long story that can wait.”

  Clearly, she can’t. I chuckle softly and run a hand down her bare leg. It’s been four years since I last touched her velvety soft skin.

  “You have to tell me one thing, Eleanor. Before we go any further, I have to know if there’s someone else.”

  She shakes her head. “No. There’s no one. There hasn’t been anyone since you and there won’t be anyone but you.”

  My chest swells with pride. She’s damn right there won’t be anyone else but me. My hand slowly traces the Aquarius tattoo on her thigh, a woman with long, flowing locks carrying the pitcher of water, before it travels up under her t-shirt to caress the new ink along her ribcage.

  I crawl back up her body, letting my lips skim every inch of bare flesh until they reach her mouth. My hand lightly cups her jaw, turning it toward me before I kiss her. I drink in the sweet taste of her but it’s not enough to satisfy my craving. I want more.

  My hand falls away and she turns her entire body toward mine, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. One of her legs slides over my hip, pressing her heated center right against my hard, throbbing cock.

  My eyes roll back in my head as I drag my mouth from her and groan. “It’s been too long, and I don’t know how much longer I can wait.”

&n
bsp; “I’m ready,” she replies huskily.

  I slip my hand between our bodies and brush it against the front of her panties. They’re damp but I want her fucking soaked. My hand dips inside the flimsy fabric and I begin to tentatively explore, parting her folds with my fingers and teasing her clit, rubbing it lightly before sliding down to her center.

  She moans and whimpers against my mouth but she’s not ready. Hell, I’m not ready. This is a moment four years in the making and I’m not going to rush it.

  “Hardly,” I breathe against her ear. “I want you dripping wet when I’m finally back inside you.”

  I’m obsessed with her body, inhaling her scent, nipping at her skin until I get to her belly. It amazes me, and I can’t get enough of it knowing it carried our child.

  My hands move up to grip her hips as I glide down the short distance to the juncture of her thighs. I can smell her arousal; a sweet, musky perfume that makes me rock hard and ravenous.

  Light kisses dot her thighs and pelvis until my fingers hook around the sides of her panties as I tug them down, finally exposing her. A growl escapes my throat. I feel like a starved man preparing to eat his first meal after a long wait.

  Without warning, I devour her. My hands are firm and steady on her hips as I bury my face in her core, dragging my tongue from top to bottom and back again. I tease her clit with the tip of my tongue before sucking on it sharply. She squirms in my grip but it’s no use; there is no escaping me.

  I release one hand and use it to part her folds, exposing her glistening pink center. She’s dripping and I’m ready to drink up every last drop. I flatten my tongue against her and tease one finger inside of her. She yelps at the intrusion but quickly relaxes against the bed.

  “Oh god,” she moans. I look up just in time to see her drape an arm over her face.

  Her thighs start to quiver, and I feel her body tense. It amazes me how she responds so quickly to my touch. She places her hand on top of my head, tugging at the long strands. Her breathing gets heavier as she begins to tremble. I’m relentless in my pursuit of her orgasm. I want it; I need it. I’ve been denied the pleasure of seeing her come undone for so long that I’ll take any opportunity to make her squirm and scream.