Reluctant to Love

by Gallo , Rebecca

  “Dis my favorite, Roddick,” she says as she hurries back to me.

  I sit down on the overstuffed blue couch and wait for her to climb up beside me. My eyes search the room, landing on a stack of mail. Out of curiosity, I pick it up. Bill after bill after bill; some are even marked with an ugly red “Final Notice” stamp.

  It hits me hard how drastically different our lives are now. I live a charmed, but lonely, life while she struggles. The enormity of my decision to lie about Famke smacks me right in the face. I should have known better; I was a married man. I was older but apparently not wiser.

  I feel a tug on my sleeve. Izzy. She’s sitting beside me on the couch, holding the book in her tiny hands. “Read to me,” she demands in her sweet voice.

  I place my arm around her, drawing her close and slip the book from her grip.

  This is my chance to make amends and I won’t fuck it up.

  15

  Eleanor

  My heart literally stops as I sit on the basement stairs, watching Roderick read to Izzy. It’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. He’s so different compared to the man I knew four years ago.

  For one, he dresses better. Today, he’s wearing a cream cable knit sweater and olive-green pants. His long hair is tied up at the nape of his neck and his beard looks neatly trimmed. When we first started working together, everything he wore seemed old and faded. Thread-bare concert t-shirts and jeans with rips and holes. I didn’t mind since I didn’t dress much better myself and we weren’t really going out in public. When work turned to play, I saw more of him in black boxer briefs than anything.

  But the Roderick sitting on my old, lumpy couch is a handsome devil. The kind I can’t resist.

  I watch them for a little while longer before I tip-toe back up the stairs. He needs time alone with her, to build a bond that just might break the moment I tell Izzy the truth.

  “Eleanor, there’s something I need to talk to you about,” my mom calls out from the dining room. She’s sitting at the table with papers spread out in front of her and her checkbook open. “I’m going to have some work done on the house.”

  “Okay,” I say absently as I walk over to sit down beside her.

  “And while it’s being done, I’m going to visit your aunt in Florida. I don’t really want to be here amidst all of the construction chaos.”

  “Okay,” I repeat.

  “You and Izzy need to find a place too.”

  Now she’s got my attention. “What? Why?”

  My mother looks me square in the eye. “I’m having the house totally gutted, darling. You can’t live here when the house is like that.”

  I blink rapidly. What on earth is my mother talking about? I look around the house and don’t quite understand why she wants to completely gut the house. It could be updated but not totally overhauled.

  “I don’t understand, mom. Why are you doing this?”

  She sets down the pen she was holding and reaches out to grab one of my hands. “I’m planning on selling the house. I had a real estate agent come over while you were gone, and we discussed the importance of renovating. This house hasn’t been touched since your father died, almost twenty years ago.”

  I shake my confusion away. “I still don’t understand why you want to renovate, and now you want to sell?”

  “Darling, it’s time for both of us to move on.”

  I reel back as if she slapped me. Tears sting the corners of my eyes. I don’t understand what’s happening to my life. Everything has been upended and suddenly, it feels like too much all at once.

  There’s a burst of noise as Izzy comes barreling up the stairs with Roderick in hot pursuit behind her. She squeals with delight and even though my first inclination is to feel joy at seeing them together, I don’t. Instead, I lash out.

  “Izzy, you need to settle down,” I bark. “You were just in the hospital.”

  She stops dead in her tracks, her big jade-green eyes full of surprise and then she bursts into tears. Instantly, I regret my actions.

  “I’m sorry, Izzy bear,” I murmur, holding out my arms to her but she doesn’t want me. Instead, she goes right to my mother, which makes me feel even worse.

  “What’s wrong,” Roderick asks.

  “I’ll let you two have some time to talk,” my mom says softly. “Come on, Izzy.”

  Roderick walks slowly towards me. “Did something happen?”

  I look up at him and wonder if all of this would be happening if I hadn’t gone to World of Books. “Izzy and I are going to be homeless for a little while.”

  “What?” He pulls out one of the chairs and sits down beside me. I explain to him all about my mother’s plan to remodel and then eventually sell. “When is all of this happening?”

  I shrug. “She didn’t say, and I didn’t ask. I was too stunned.”

  “There’s a very easy solution to your problem.”

  “Let’s hear it.”

  “You and Izzy can stay with me.”

  Suddenly, my mother’s real plan is revealed. She’s forcing my hand. So much for letting fate decide. “No, I couldn’t ask you to do that. I’ll call Caroline and talk to her about the sale of my book. Maybe I can get the advance on royalties a little quicker.”

  He slides his hand across the table and grabs hold of one of mine. “You’re running from me, sweets. Stop it.”

  I let out a nervous breath. “Wouldn’t you run too if your life was suddenly upended? If people were making decisions for you?”

  “That depends.”

  “On what?”

  “On whether or not I had someone who loved me.”

  I lift my gaze slowly to meet his. I can see how much he wants this in his eyes. They’re silently begging me to give in, to give him the chance he’s asking for to become not only the man I desire but the father Izzy needs.

  The walls around my heart begin to crumble a little more.

  “It’s too much,” I say with a shaky breath.

  “I’ll be here,” he reassures me, squeezing my hand. “But only if you’ll let me.”

  “It’s not as if I have any other place to go,” I mumble.

  One corner of his mouth lifts slightly. “As if I’d let you go anywhere else.”

  As if on cue, my mom strolls into the dining room with a very satisfied look on her face. “Have you two worked it out because I need to sign these contracts and send them back over to the general contractor.”

  “Yes, mom. It’s all worked out.”

  “Good. Now the both of you can help me pack up because demolition starts next week.”

  “Unbelievable,” I mutter, even though I shouldn’t be surprised. My mom has always had a keen sense of what’s good for me, even when I resist because her methods are often illogical and impractical.

  “I guess I need to find a rental fairly quickly.” We both turn our eyes to Roderick who looks just as smug as my mother. All of her scheming helps his cause.

  I excuse myself to go and check on Izzy, who’s sleeping on the couch. I sit beside her and stroke her hair slowly with my hand. She’s so adaptable which means I don’t have to worry about how she’ll handle the upcoming changes. But I wonder how she will react once she finds out about Roderick. She’s never asked about a father because she’s too young to truly notice one has been missing from her life, but I’ve worried about it for a long time.

  Roderick appears in the hallway. “Hey,” he calls softly. “Come and talk with me.”

  I place a soft kiss on Izzy’s forehead before walking over to him. He slides his arms around my waist and pulls me against him. His solid strength is exactly what I need to ground me because I feel untethered.

  “I know that look in your eyes.” His breath tickles my skin. “I’ve seen it before. You’re feeling overwhelmed.”

  “This isn’t finals week,” I joke. “And I’m not getting ready to pitch an agent.”

  He brushes his nose along the column of my neck as his hold on me tightens
. “No, it’s not. This is your life.”

  “I’m glad someone realizes it.”

  “Don’t joke. If you don’t want to stay with me, you don’t have to. We’ll figure something out. I’ll do whatever I can to make you feel comfortable.”

  I close my eyes and lean into his embrace, into his warmth. He’s giving me a way out and I desperately want to take it. I want to keep running from these feelings for a little while longer, but I know my time is up.

  It’s time to let him in completely. It’s time to open myself up and become vulnerable once more because I’d be a fool to pass up the love he’s freely offering.

  My hand grips his sweater as I lift my face and reach up to brush my lips against his. My kiss tells him my decision. I want him; I want a second chance. I’m ready to abandon rational thought and give into the universe’s unknown plan as long as he’s there to hold me every step of the way.

  16

  Roderick

  It’s been a week and already I know, this is not going to work.

  “Eleanor, we need to talk,” I tell her quietly after Izzy’s gone to bed.

  When her mother said she was having the house renovated, we thought we’d have some time to get things sorted. The demolition crew had an immediate opening in their schedule and arrived a few days after Izzy came home from the hospital. Since then, both of my girls have been staying with me in a hotel suite.

  She flops down beside me with a sigh. “I hope you’re not breaking up with me,” she teases.

  “Over my dead body. We need to talk about our living situation.” I reach for her hand, grab it and bring it up to my lips. “I love waking up next to you every single morning, sweets. But we need our privacy. We need more space. And nothing we’ve looked at has come close to what I can offer in New York.”

  “You want us to move to New York City? I thought you were willing to stay here with us. To get to know Izzy.” I anticipated her pushback.

  “I can do that in New York. I have a perfectly fine loft, ready for you and Izzy to take over. We can take Izzy to all of the parks and museums. It just makes sense.”

  “For you. But not for us. We live here, Roderick. I can’t just pack Izzy up and move her hundreds of miles away.”

  “Tell me what’s keeping you here and I’ll stay.” She hasn’t been exactly honest with me about her job and finances and I haven’t exactly pushed her for answers either. “Is Izzy in preschool? Your job? Someone else?”

  She gives me a sharp look. “There’s no one else.” She works her bottom lip through her teeth before letting it pop free. “I work from home and Izzy isn’t in preschool. I can’t afford it.”

  “Then it’s settled. We’ll go to New York for a little while.”

  She grunts her dissatisfaction which makes me smile. I slide one arm behind her and pull her close. “I know you’re upset with me, sweets but it’s for the best. Trust me.” Playfully, I nip her earlobe and then kiss her cheek.

  As long as we’re sharing a hotel suite, sex is off the table. But when I get her back to New York and we’re finally in my bed, it most definitely will be back on the table.

  “You’re right,” she says at last. “Going to New York is probably easier.”

  “You’ll be able to meet with your agent and publisher too.”

  She smiles. “I can’t believe I have an agent and a publisher!”

  Once Izzy was released from the hospital and Eleanor had a day to wrap her head around her mother’s sudden plans, she called Caroline and had a lengthy conversation about the publisher who purchased her first book.

  “You deserve it,” I tell her with a kiss to the top of her head. “Give me a few hours to book airfare. When do you want to leave?”

  She shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess whenever is cheapest. I’m going to check on Izzy.”

  She shifts away from me but my hold on her is tight and I draw her back. “You’re not going anywhere,” I growl.

  She pushes against my chest. “I need to check on Izzy.”

  “She’s asleep and she’s fine. But I’m not.” I pout playfully.

  I pull Eleanor onto my lap, arranging her legs on either side of my hips. My hands grip her thighs; my thumbs rubbing small circles dangerously close to the center of her body.

  “We finally have a few minutes to ourselves. I want just a little taste.” I lean forward and brush my lips against the base of her throat.

  She purrs happily and runs her hands up my chest and over my shoulders. “Izzy makes things a bit more complicated,” she explains.

  My hands roam up and over her hips to grasp her backside. “She’s a complication I’ll happily deal with any day of the week. That doesn’t mean I don’t want you.”

  I emphasize my point by lifting my hips slightly, so she feels exactly what she does to me.

  “I want you too,” she whispers. “I just can’t do this with her in the other room. It’s awkward. What if she wakes up?”

  “All the more reason to hurry to New York.”

  “Are you really sure about letting us invade your space?”

  “I want it to be your space too.”

  “And this doesn’t seem rushed to you? We’ve been apart four years.”

  “It feels like the perfectly right time to me.”

  She slides off my lap and brings her thumbnail to her lips. Nervously, she bites at it before looking at me. “I’m sorry to doubt everything, Roderick. If it were just me, I wouldn’t have any problems but Izzy changes everything. How am I supposed to explain all of this to her?”

  “We don’t have to complicate things. The house is under renovation and I’ve offered to let you stay with me while you work out your publishing contact. Simple.”

  She narrows her eyes in my direction. “You’ve got this all worked out, don’t you?”

  “Generally, no I don’t. But for whatever reason, when it comes to you, I see my life clearly. I know exactly what I’m doing and I’m confident heading to New York, at least while your mom’s house is being remodeled, is the right decision.”

  She kisses me firmly on the lips and when she pulls away, there’s a big grin on her face. “I really need to check on Izzy,” she says.

  “I’ll start looking at flights.”

  I watch her leave the room, enjoying the sight of her in a simple pair of black leggings and a long-sleeved t-shirt that falls from one shoulder. Her auburn hair loose and slightly wavy. Despite the multiple tattoos covering her body, she was never a wild child. She was always logical, questioning everything and never settling for answers based on feeling alone. That’s how I approach every “tough” conversation with her. Answers requiring her to have only trust and faith receive immediate pushback; there always needs to be some sort of logical explanation.

  I hear her singing softly to Izzy, murmuring sweet, soothing words. I’m still amazed I have a daughter. Fatherhood is a new and wonderful experience and every moment I witness between Eleanor and Izzy makes me love them both even more.

  I get started working on flights to New York and chuckle when I think about Eleanor asking to pick the cheapest flights. While I’m searching, my cell phone chirps, and I look at the screen. It’s a text message from Larry.

  Larry: Famke isn’t budging. Can you get to NYC ASAP?

  Me: Already working on it.

  Larry: Good. The sooner the better.

  Famke has always been tenacious; I was drawn to her fierceness but now I’m worried. Is it possible she knows about Eleanor and Izzy? Are they driving her newfound aggression toward me?

  Doesn’t matter. I’m prepared to fight her and this time, I won’t lose.

  17

  Eleanor

  The first question out of my mouth when I step inside Roderick’s home in downtown Brooklyn is, “Just how much money have you made with your Tristan books?”

  He smiles uncomfortably. “Enough,” is all he says.

  I’m not about to press for more information. We haven’t exa
ctly discussed finances and it’s not really a conversation I want to have. Living with my mom has saved me a ton of money and allowed me to go back to school part-time. But my job taking on various ghostwriting gigs doesn’t bring in a lot of money.

  “It’s a work in progress,” he says as we make our way through the space. “It used to be a fire station in the ‘30s.”

  I take in all of the natural sunlight pouring in from the abundance of windows. It warms up the brick walls and light hardwood floors. It’s clear there are still renovations needing completion because the kitchen still looks fairly industrial, but it could very well be a cozy, beautiful home where Izzy could grow up.

  “It’s lovely,” I breathe out.

  Roderick grabs my hand and brings it up to his lips. He brushes soft kisses along my knuckles and smiles. “There are lots of parks close by for you and Izzy to explore.”

  “I’m sure we’ll have fun doing that.”

  “I’m sorry but I have to meet with my lawyer today. Will you and Izzy be fine on your own?”

  “Of course.”

  He kisses my forehead and looks down at me. “I want this to be your home too. Go and explore. Do whatever you need. Just don’t get lost.”

  When we’re alone, Izzy and I snoop through the house. It’s clear Roderick is a bachelor who lives alone as most of the space is empty. One week with an almost four-year-old in the house will solve that. It’s only a matter of time before he steps on one of her toys and howls with pain.

  After we’ve explored the house, we head outside. When we were driving in, I saw a playground just down the block and that’s where we head. Izzy climbs all over the green and yellow structure, zooming down the slide with sweet giggles over and over until eventually, she falls right off the edge and onto her behind which results in a stream of fat tears. I pick her up and kiss her wet cheeks knowing she’s tired after a long day.