Someone claps a hand on my shoulder, and I flinch before I see it’s Johann. “Thanks for making it back to us, Erik.”
At the sound of her voice, despite everything, I feel weirdly better. Anchored. Like I’m back where I’m supposed to be. “Thanks, Al.”
We kneel by Lai’s side as Jay tries to stanch the bleeding and get her to respond, and Peter and others come running toward us. But she remains as quiet as the dead.
24
JAY
LAI WEIGHS HEAVY in my arms. I’m not certain when she lost consciousness, but it makes me rush all the more. My heart hammers against my eardrums. No. No. No. I hold her closer to my chest as I sprint through the underground tunnels of Regail Hall with Al, Erik, and Peter close behind.
We’re among the first members to return, but already, word of the Order’s utter defeat is spreading. Shouts and cries echo off the stone walls. People race through the halls and disappear around corners. Is Lai getting colder, or is it my imagination? Hold on, Lai. You’re going to make it.
We reach the infirmary. It’s already a flurry of motion as everyone prepares for the incoming wounded. The whipping of sheets, the clatter of tools, and shouts of instruction fill the room. Doctors and nurses, some professionally trained, most merely volunteers, run from one end of the long room to the other.
“We need help,” I manage to choke out. A few people stop. At the sight of Lai and all the blood, three of them immediately direct me to a nearby bed. I set her down gently, as if that’ll prevent her from feeling any more pain. But then I’m whisked out the door with the others to make space for the incoming wounded and the busy doctors.
We all stand in the hallway uncertainly. I want to go back in. I want to stay by Lai’s side and make sure she’ll pull through. However, I’d merely be in the way. There are other things Lai would want me to do while she’s out. I can nearly hear her scolding me now. Come on, Major, you being there wouldn’t change anything. Better to help out where you can, right?
Al is the first to speak. “Erik, do you know what happened out there?”
It takes an agonizing amount of energy to look up at Erik. His presence is heavy with regret, guilt, exhaustion. Blood stains his clothes. I don’t want to think about whose side it belongs to. He nods, a single, jerky movement.
“Ellis told me and the other rebel leaders that we’d be attacking the sector.” Erik’s presence flashes. “But then when we were marching over, Ellis changed everything. The plan, the positions, the people—she used teleportation crystals, and then we were suddenly ambushing the Order. The Order planned a counterattack based on fake information, believing it was the rebels’ real plan. And Ellis knew they would, and exactly how to counter them.”
Guilt radiates from him in waves as he closes his eyes. He’s always been so careful to hide his emotions, but his pain is evident in the lines around his eyes.
“This wasn’t your fault,” I say softly. “You and Lai—you were both doing the best you could.”
“Yeah, well, our best got a lot of people killed.”
The memory of Lai the moment Ellis took her arm burns behind my eyes. How she knelt there on the ground, no longer fighting back even before Seung saved her.
I squeeze my eyes shut. I don’t want to think about it.
“Damn it all,” Al hisses. Her fist hits the stone wall. I’m surprised it doesn’t crack with the force of her blow. But with the way she twists, I notice the blood running down her back that I hadn’t before.
“Al, your back—you’re hurt,” I say. It’s a struggle to get the words out. “We need to—”
“It’s not as bad as it looks. My armor took most of the blow. There’ll be more urgent wounds for the doctors to see to.”
“Then at least let me clean and bandage it.”
“It’s fine. It can wait.”
“That wasn’t a request.”
Her eyes snap to me as her presence flashes with irritation, but she must see something in my face, because she just sits down on the floor with her back to me. I take the first-aid kit from my equipment belt and start treating her injury. It’s shallower than I initially suspected but still not something I want to leave as is.
Peter remains silent all the while, Seung’s body cradled in his arms. His eyes are blank, and I’m suddenly transported to when it was his twin’s body he was holding in his arms just the same way a few months ago. My heart wrenches for him. He hadn’t even recovered from his brother’s death, and now he’s lost a close friend. Perhaps more than one.
No. Lai’s going to make it. She’s going to be all right.
Footsteps pound through the halls as more people rush into the infirmary, most of them supported by friends. So many people are crying. I have to shut off my grid, or else the devastating grief of everyone in Regail Hall will suffocate me. I can barely contain my own hurt as I finish treating Al’s injury.
When more footsteps approach us, I assume it’s more people heading to the infirmary. However, at a strangled cry, I look up to see Clemente and Syon.
They’re staring at Seung. Peter opens his mouth but doesn’t manage to get anything out before the tears finally start falling. Clemente rushes to wrap him and Seung’s body in his arms.
Syon watches. Something flickers behind his eyes, something he’s fighting, and when I reopen my internal grid, his typically calm presence is a swirling storm of disbelief shot with immeasurable pain. However, he’s fighting it. Those feelings tremble at the edges of his presence like the bands of a storm, and whenever they come too close, he shoves them back. It’s a battle he’s losing.
The lanterns around us dim and flicker erratically. Al, Erik, and I share an uneasy glance, but Peter and Clemente immediately snap to Syon. Apprehension flashes over their presences. Peter transfers Seung to Clemente’s arms and runs to Syon’s side—just as all the lights burst out of existence and the halls are thrown into interminable darkness.
The shouts and cries of before heighten with the loss of light. Panic now swims through the sorrow of my grid, and I have to shut it off again before it can crush me. My hands lurch through the dark, searching, until I lock hands with Al and Erik. A tiny measure of calm enters me.
Lai told us once that all of Regail Hall is powered by Syon. However, his immeasurably strong gift comes at a cost. Even the tiniest amount of emotion affects his gift—anything could throw his power out of balance and cause it to go out of control. She said it’d be a catastrophe if that ever happened.
Electric energy crackles through the air, begging to be released. An explosion waiting to happen.
“Syon, it’s going to be okay,” Peter whispers. It’s disconcerting hearing his soft voice emanate from the darkness amid hundreds of shouts. “I know this is hard. I know you’re hurting, and you should be able to feel your grief without anyone telling you to stop. And I am so, so sorry to ask you this, but you have to stay strong. We need you right now. Without your gift, more people could die. Lai’s barely alive. Without your light, she can’t get the help she needs.”
I know it’s going to hurt, but I open the internal grid in my head once more. I watch as Syon’s presence rages with uncontainable grief. But now, stronger than the sadness, fear pierces through. Fear for what else he could lose.
His presence keeps fighting back against the emotions circling around it, but it’s just the same as before. You can’t not feel your own emotions.
I drop Al and Erik’s hands and find my way to Syon’s side using my internal grid. I reach out and feel something warm under my hands. Whether it’s Peter or Syon, I can’t tell. I wrap my arms around whoever it is.
“Syon, listen,” I murmur. “You can’t try to fight how you feel. You can’t repress your own emotions for long, and it’ll only hurt you worse in the long run. The grief you’re feeling right now—don’t try to push it away. Acknowledge it. Accept it. Just don’t let it consume you.”
Hands press against my chest. Syon’s presence doesn’t
change. I can nearly taste the electricity in the air.
I hug whoever I’m holding tighter as panic beats against the inside of my skull. “I know it’s hard. I know you’re sad. Afraid. But think of your happy memories with Seung. Find a moment you love and hold onto it. It might be painful right now—but focus on that love more than your grief.”
For a few heartbeats, his presence continues its futile struggle. Then, he fights not to ignore his grief or shut it out—a fight he already lost—but to let it sink into him alongside his love for Seung, without letting it take over him. It’s difficult. I wouldn’t typically ask this of anyone, but Peter is right. We need him to be in control—for everyone’s sake.
Long, painful heartbeats pass.
The lights flicker back into existence. They’re dim at first but slowly strengthen. The shouts of panic subside. The light illuminates Peter, kneeling and hugging Syon to him, hands clasped against the younger boy’s head and back, and my arms wrapped around both of them. It shows Clemente, staring down at Seung’s face as his tears continue to stream down. It allows me to see Erik and Al still gripping hands, tethering each other. And on my grid, all of us connected by our grief.
The pounding of footsteps begins once more now that the hallways are again visible. A set detaches from the crowd and rushes in our direction. I stand up from Peter and Syon’s sides to see who it is just as someone crushes me in a hug.
I can’t see the man’s face, but it doesn’t matter—I push him off immediately. My nerves are still wired from the battle. Even if they weren’t, I don’t want to be touched.
I can’t tell which of us is more surprised—me or my father. However, his surprise melts quickly into relief.
“You’re okay,” he says. “You made it back.” He grips my shoulders as he examines me, and I nearly shove him off again. I can’t recall him ever touching me before. Panic colors his presence. “You’re covered in blood—we—you need to—”
“It’s not mine.” I don’t have the energy to be polite. “I’m fine. You—what are you doing in Regail Hall?”
“I’ve been waiting here for everyone to return after I heard about the big battle,” my father says after a pause, likely in which he’s trying to determine whether or not I’m truly okay. “I wanted—I needed to know you made it back all right. When I heard about the ambush, I assumed the worst.”
It’s only now that I notice his eyes are shining. The lanterns’ light flickers over his face, making his features appear sharper than usual. The light accentuates the dark smudges under his eyes. His fingers tremble where they dig into my shoulders.
Despite myself, despite all that’s happened in the past several hours, my heart jerks. “It’s all right.” I put my hands over his and squeeze. “I’m okay. I’m right here.”
His hands keep shaking. “I know.”
“I thought you didn’t care.” My voice comes out so quietly I’m not certain he hears it.
However, he must, because he looks down at the space between us. Then he hugs me to him once more, and I try very hard not to flinch. When he speaks again, he’s crying. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know I can’t take back what I’ve done, but please—give me a second chance. I want to make things right between us. I want us to be a family, the way a father and son should be. Please, stop fighting and putting your life in danger. Let’s go home—together.”
I should be happy. If it was the me from before this war, from before I met my teammates, I would’ve been elated. Nothing in this world would have made me gladder than to hear my father say those words.
Now, I can’t stop thinking about all the nights I was coldly brushed off by this man, so different a person now as he holds me closer, as though he’s trying to make up for my whole childhood during which he wouldn’t touch me. The four years after I joined the military, throughout which he never once contacted me. I think of Lai, who gave up everything for so many years to fight for what was important to her. Lai, kneeling, bleeding, dying.
Strangely, I remember too the time Lai and I walked back from the Order the night before we left for the rebels’ “peace negotiations,” the way she looked up at the sky far overhead, streetlights flickering softly over her face as her expression softened and she said she wanted to meet her mother again.
“Thank you,” I say. “But I’m sorry. I can’t go back with you.” I gently hold him away from me, and now that I can see his tears, this man who I can never once remember crying, my heart twists. However, I say, “I can’t run away from this fight. I won’t run from it. We’ve already lost so much; I refuse to let those sacrifices be in vain. No matter what it takes, we’ll end this war. Until that happens, I’ll keep fighting.”
Purpose swells within me and grows with every heartbeat as I look at my father. He watches me back. For the first time in my life, it doesn’t feel like a match of wills.
Finally, he sighs. “I can see that I won’t convince you otherwise. You’re more stubborn than I thought—just like your mother.” He smiles slightly to himself. “If that’s the case, then all I ask is that you be safe.” He looks me in the eyes and takes my hands in his. “I mean what I said about becoming a real family. After all this is over, I’ll be waiting for you. So please, please come back.”
“I will.” A knot catches in my throat as I say the words, because I know better than to promise such a thing during a war.
My father reluctantly lets go of my hands. I glance at everyone still around us, and he understands. He gives me one last hug that I stiffly allow. Then he takes his leave.
People continue to rush by us into the infirmary, and I catch the whispers of those not too distracted by injuries or wounded friends. The Order’s remaining leaders, all falling apart right here in the hall. Everyone knows by now that Lai is Walker and that she’s critically injured, that Seung is dead—and now Clemente, Peter, and Syon, the last three core leaders, are struggling to keep themselves together. What would Lai say if she were here right now?
I take a deep breath as I turn to face my friends. Peter still holds Syon to him as though he’ll never let go. Syon’s face is buried in Peter’s shoulder. My heart aches just watching them. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I have any right to.
I take a heartbeat to gather my resolve. I have to hold it all in a single point in my chest for fear it’ll disperse and I’ll lose what I need in order to keep moving forward. “We need to decide our next step.”
They all look up at me—even Peter and Syon.
I force myself to continue. “The Order needs its leaders right now. Everyone needs to hear that this isn’t the end, that we’ll be able to recover despite our losses. If we don’t do something soon, everything Lai and Seung worked so hard to build will fall apart. They wouldn’t want this.”
There’s a feeling of rightness to the words. There’s something we can be doing right now. The sorrow and pain are still there, but greater than that is my determination to keep going.
Everyone’s presences are dark with pain, but a sense of resolve slowly begins trickling through them as well.
“We must keep moving,” Clemente says quietly when our eyes catch. “I know this. I know it is what both Fiona and Lai would want.”
Peter is silent for a heartbeat before he says, “We’re not going to lose anyone else if we can help it. We need to regather and reorganize.” He looks at Syon, still wrapped in his arms, and some wordless understanding passes between them. They stand. “It’s time to get moving.”
25
LAI
EVERYTHING IS DARK. Everything hurts. My right arm burns like it’s caught fire, but I can’t move. I fight against the heavy darkness trying to drag me down. What’s going on—where am I? Fight. Run. Go.
I wake up gasping for air—I can’t breathe—I can’t escape—and almost slam my head into someone leaning over me.
Something pushes my shoulders down. I fight against it, screaming now, then sucking in air, and the force t
ightens, and when I try to kick back, something pins down my legs, too, and I’m twisting, trying to escape, but everything hurts and my shouts turn to cries of pain.
I dimly hear someone speaking, as if from the top of a pit far above me. “Lai—Lai, it’s okay, you’re okay, please, calm down. Everything is okay.”
Someone brushes my hair back from my face with cool, gentle fingers. The words turn into soft murmuring I can’t understand, but the familiarity of it makes me pause. I hesitate, then the fight leaves my body all at once. I sink into the ground—no, a bed. I’m on a bed.
My vision starts to clear. Jay is the one leaning over me, sitting beside me on the bed as his one hand holds my shoulder down and the other keeps stroking my hair back. He’s still speaking softly, but I can’t make out the words.
The pressure on my legs lifts. “Lai? You with us?” Al. Al is here.
I blink. I can see Jay, but everything is hazy. I keep blinking, trying to make everything come into focus. I want to see him clearly. I want to see him so badly.
“Come on, Lai.” Another voice, softer. Erik. How is he here? Am I dreaming?
“I—” I try to speak, but the words won’t come. My throat is so dry. I don’t even know what I could say anyway.
Jay reaches over to somewhere I can’t see and brings a glass to my lips. He lifts my head and supports me as I try to drink the water. I almost choke on it.
“Easy,” he says gently, so, so gently. The kind of gentleness I’ve only ever heard from Jay.
I want to cry. I want to sink against him and hear him murmuring softly to me again and feel his touch against my face and disappear into nothingness.
But he lifts the glass back up and I try to drink again.
My senses slowly come back to me. We’re in my room in Regail Hall. Al sits on the end of my bed while Erik stands at the head of it. They’re all watching me with more concern than I could ever imagine any of them showing.
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