“You can still choose to stop.” I block her swing with my spear shaft. She keeps putting force into it, trying to break through, but I don’t let her. “They might be more lenient if you surrender.”
“Not a chance.”
I figured. Still, I wanted to give her the option. I send the telepathic signal to everyone.
Ellis pulls her sword back to swing again, but in the time it takes me to blink, she’s on the ground, crushed against the earth by an invisible force. Behind her, Al stands with Gabriel in tow, a somber expression on his face as he watches Ellis struggle and snarl on the ground, having taken away the portion of his gift residing in Ellis’s power crystal. Running up to us, Erik, hand extended forward, pinning Ellis down with his gift, Cal keeping pace behind him. And Jay, arm slung over Peter’s shoulder for support, the two of them accompanied by Joan and a military officer I asked Jay to find and bring—one equipped with near-indestructible starlight restraints.
The officer looks among all of us quickly, but he doesn’t stop to ask questions. As soon as he sees Ellis pinned down, he removes intricately connected pieces of starlight metal from his equipment bag and claps them around Ellis’s wrists, legs, and upper arms. He has to act fast, because as soon as he puts the restraints on, Erik’s gift stops working in reaction to the starlight and Ellis thrashes against the bindings. To no avail.
She looks up at her old officers, her friends, now all staring at their feet. “You would all betray me like this?” She doesn’t cry. But the hollowness in her eyes is almost worse. “I thought we were in this together.”
“It was time to stop, Sara,” Joan says quietly. She meets Ellis’s gaze with an expression caught somewhere between pity and regret. “I’m sorry. It had to end.”
Ellis won’t look at her. As the officer hauls the rebel leader to her feet, other soldiers racing over to help him, I say, “I wish things had been different.”
“So do I,” Ellis says. And then she’s gone.
38
ERIK
SOLDIERS FIGHT WITH the last few rebels who refuse to give up. They don’t attack those who already surrendered—thank the gods—but they do circle around and keep an eye on them. Word’s spread that all the rebels’ leaders are down. Can’t say I’m sad to hear Devin’s dead. One less lunatic in the world. I’m just happy everyone I care about is alive and safe, from Cal and Gabriel to my old reliable team. My relief at seeing them all okay after Ellis is hauled away is so strong I can’t breathe for a second.
But I don’t want the military to catch Cal or Gabriel. If the soldiers find out the two of them were rebel leaders, they might kill them. There’s already a chance they might be recognized. We’ve all barely reunited when more soldiers start coming over, starlight cuffs in hand. I step in front of Cal reflexively and notice Al do the same to Gabriel.
But Lai is the one who steps forward to face the soldiers. Even with dirt, sweat, and blood smeared over her face, she looks like a queen. Acts like one, too. “The Order will be taking custody of the remaining rebel leaders,” she says. It’s not a request.
Most of the soldiers hesitate and glance at one another—which is honestly kind of reassuring since I thought they’d just laugh and push Lai out of the way. Not that she’d let them, but they could try.
One of them, with more badges decorating her uniform than the others, steps forward to meet Lai. My muscles tense. If she tries anything …
“We were told by General Austin that any orders given by former Lieutenant Lorelai Cathwell on the field were to be followed,” she says. “But even so, I can’t let enemy commanders escape arrest without reason. Why does the Order want them?”
“There are things we’d like to learn from them,” Lai says. If she’s surprised by the general’s order like I am, she doesn’t show it. “Intel gathering. There are also other rebels back at their home base. With the leaders’ help, the Order would like to—peacefully—bring them in.” Lai cocks an eyebrow at the officer. “I doubt they would willingly surrender to the oppressive military. But if it’s the Order, a group they know seeks equality between gifted and ungifted, they may come quietly.”
Lai glances at me and suddenly I get it. All the kids back in the underground headquarters. She wants to make sure the Order gets to them before the sector can. The Order couldn’t convince the kids to leave by themselves, but if Joan, Cal, and Gabriel tell them it’s okay, that the Order can be trusted? We might be able to save them.
The officer doesn’t answer right away, which, I mean, fair. Lai’s excuse is pretty flimsy. But Austin did say the soldiers had to follow Lai’s orders. Just how far does that go?
Finally, the officer says, “I understand. I will report this to General Austin. He can decide whether or not to allow you to keep custody of the rebel leaders after that.” The officer’s hand moves obviously to the starlight handcuffs clipped to her equipment belt. “If they were to suddenly disappear or otherwise cause trouble, you and the Order’s other officers will be taking their place.”
“My thanks,” Lai says, totally ignoring the last part of the officer’s conditional acceptance. She holds out her hand. “We don’t need your assistance, but we could use those starlight restraints if you’d be so kind.”
The officer’s nose wrinkles, but she tosses the handcuffs to Lai and waves for the others to do the same. I hate to do it, but I snap the cuffs around Cal’s wrists. I don’t think he or the others would try to run, but I get what Lai’s thinking. We have to make it look like the Order’s in total control. Otherwise that officer might just change her mind and bring Cal, Gabriel, and Joan in herself after all.
Other soldiers start running over and calling the officers for help. Soon, the group is gone, though with a lot of backward glances. I hope this works out.
I’m just about to ask Lai what’s next when one of the soldiers running over calls my name. I sort of recognize the guy as he gets closer. He’s the general’s secretary—what was it, Noah? He stops a few feet away, breathing heavily. His uniform is spattered with blood and dust, but it doesn’t look like he took any bad injuries. Even though he’s obviously exhausted, his eyes light up when he sees me. But why? Then I remember what Jay said about me and Noah apparently having been friends back before I lost my memories. And about him being pretty shady.
“Noah, right?” I ask.
He nods and straightens.
Weird silence stretches between us, and I don’t know what to say—especially not with everyone right here. I can feel all of them watching me.
“Can we talk?” Noah asks. He gestures vaguely behind him, not quite looking at me. “There are things I need to tell you.”
I glance to Lai and the others, who each nod. “All right.” As I reluctantly follow Noah away from my friends, I hear Lai giving out orders, getting everything moving again. It kind of sucks not to be there with them and be a part of it.
I do get the chance to see the battle’s damage, though. Lots of people are down, but not as many as I expected—on either side. With the military swarming everything now, though, it’s hard to really tell.
Noah doesn’t stop until we’re pretty far from anyone else. When he does, his fingers pull at one another. He doesn’t talk right away.
“I can guess what this is about,” I say. “We used to know each other, didn’t we?”
He nods and takes a deep breath before he starts talking so fast I can barely process the words. Like he’s trying to get it all out before he loses the guts to say any of it. “You—I really looked up to you. We met when you were on recon in the sector for the rebels. You didn’t say as much, but I could guess. I’d been a spy for the military and the Council for a long time by then, after all.” He smiles grimly to himself. “I didn’t tell you I was from the military, just that I was a Nyte. You tried to convince me to leave the sector a few times, but I turned you down every time. I’ve always just dutifully done whatever the Council ordered me to. If I don’t…” He trails off and I do
n’t ask. “We became close. Really close. You were the only friend I’d ever had. I respected you a lot. I wanted to be like you—independent and free. But at the same time, I felt bad for you.”
“Bad for me? Why?”
His hands twist together again. “You hated everything in the world. You just wanted to watch the sectors burn for what they did to your brother.”
“My brother?” The words rush out before I can stop them. Cal mentioned him before, but he didn’t know anything. If Noah could tell me what happened, if there’s a chance my brother’s still alive—
“He was killed by Etioles when you were both young. You told me you’d hated the ungifted ever since.”
I might be sick. In the same second hope flooded me, it was immediately replaced by grief for someone I can’t even remember. I should’ve known better. Cal wouldn’t’ve lied to me, and I doubt I would’ve ended up with the rebels if my brother was still alive—or at least that I would’ve ended up there alone.
A cold chill that I can’t shake seeps into my bones. Suddenly, I don’t want to have this conversation. I don’t want to hear whatever Noah has to say.
Noah must see it on my face, because he sighs. “You were so bitter. So hateful. Even though you seemed free, it felt like you were chained down by your past. You were miserable because of it, and I knew even if you succeeded in destroying the sectors like you wanted, you’d never be happy.” His eyes meet mine. “But that wasn’t why I took your memories.”
“What?” For a minute, I seriously have no idea what he’s talking about. Then it slams into me like a byc at full throttle. No. There’s no way.
“I didn’t—it wasn’t—” Noah’s hands wring each other so hard I think he’s going to tear one of them off. “The Council already knew you were a rebel, and then they found out we were meeting up. At first they were going to kill you—they ordered me to kill you. I … I refused.” His left thumb rubs over several laced scars on his other hand, almost unconsciously. I flinch at the sight of the raised welts. “Then they got the idea that they could use my gift to wipe your memories and enlist you in the military. The Council knew you were strong—they thought they could use you. They said if I agreed to make you forget your past, they wouldn’t kill you.” His eyes squeeze shut, then reluctantly open again. “So I did. I tricked you into telling me when you’d be doing a raid with the rebels, and the military set up an ambush to catch you. After that, I kept my distance—I knew if you found out who you’d been, the Council would kill you. I’m sorry, Erik. I’m so, so sorry.”
I hear what he’s saying, but I can’t process it. It’s too much. I thought he was going to say we knew each other—but all this? Him being the one who took my memories? The reason he did? I can’t take it.
“But—pieces of my memory have been returning the last couple months. Why?” It’s the only thing I can manage to put into words.
“My gift’s effects start to wear off the farther away a person is from me.” He sounds relieved to be able to give a straightforward answer. “The longer the time away, the more they wear off.” Noah suddenly shrinks in on himself. He won’t meet my eyes. “I’ve never been able to stand up to the Council. But now that all this is happening—now that the Council’s been taken down—I … I don’t know what I’ll do anymore. Except this.” His voice falls. “I’m sorry. I came to tell you that. And to say I’ll return your memories if you want.”
At that, my head snaps up. Of course. If he’s the one who sealed my memories in the first place, he’d be able to unseal them. But I hadn’t thought that far ahead yet. Or maybe I just didn’t let myself think that far ahead. The possibility I could get my past back—everything I wanted to know, right at my fingertips. All I have to do is ask.
But I’m suddenly terrified. The past few months, everyone who knew me before I lost my memories said how full of hate I was—even Noah. If my memories come back, will I go back to being that person? Even if I don’t, will I be able to handle the things that turned me into that person to begin with?
I already know I don’t have a family waiting for me. And even though I know I should want to remember my brother, that I should honor his life by remembering him, I can’t bring myself to want to. It’s only going to hurt.
What if remembering my past just makes me miserable? As soon as I think that, I realize how happy I actually am right now. Well, not right now. But I have friends—my team, Cal, Gabriel. I know what I want to do. I know what I’ve been fighting for and what I want to continue fighting for. What if remembering changes all that?
For the first time since I woke up an amnesiac almost half a year ago, I don’t want my memories back.
“No.” I don’t realize I said the word out loud until Noah looks up at me. “No,” I say again, more firmly this time. “I don’t want my memories back. I mean, not now. Someday, maybe. But not right now. I don’t…”
Noah’s eyes soften and I get the feeling he’s sad. I can’t imagine why until I remember we were apparently close friends. His only friend, he said. He sold me out, but still. It sounds like he only did it so I wouldn’t get killed instead. “I get it,” he says. “You know if you change your mind, you can always come find me. But…”
“But?”
“But if I die, your memories will come back to you. You won’t have a choice in the matter.”
“Then I guess you’re just gonna have to keep living.”
Noah laughs. “Right. Noted.”
I hesitate. “Noah. Thank you. I mean, you kind of stabbed me in the back, but—I know you were trying to protect me. And maybe it all ended up for the better. Who knows? If you hadn’t wiped my memories, maybe I’d be dead by now. But—I want to say thank you. I wouldn’t have a lot of the things that make me happy right now if it wasn’t for you. However messed up the process was.”
He smiles reluctantly, and it strikes me that even though I have all these new and renewed friendships, I don’t have his. He might have accidentally saved me from a life of misery, and I don’t even know who he is.
Noah holds out his hand to me. “Good luck, Erik. I wish you all the best.”
I clasp his hand tightly, in what I hope he can tell is gratitude. “Thank you, Noah. For everything. I hope you find your own happiness—one that’s free from the Council. You deserve it.”
His eyes fall to the ground. “Erik, I know you can’t remember, but I … I’ve done too many awful things for the Council. I’ve killed innocent people for them. I chose my own life over others’. I don’t deserve happiness.”
I choke back a laugh. “You think I’m going to judge you? I know you probably didn’t have a lot of choice with the Council watching your every move. I don’t even have a good excuse for the things I did. I just think … everyone deserves to be happy. Especially someone who’s never had the chance to be.” I grip his hand tighter and look him in the eye. “I might not remember you, but I know I want you to be free, too. I hope you get that chance. I really do.”
Noah’s grip loosens, then tightens on my hand. “Thank you, Erik.”
Before I can reply, he leans in and kisses my cheek. Then he runs away, back into the crowd on the still battlefield.
39
JAY
IT’S OVER. THOUGH it doesn’t feel like it. Everything is surreal, like walking through a foggy dream that’s pulled pieces from reality but distorted them. Fallen bodies, soldiers taking custody of the rebels who surrendered, medics attending to the injured, crying friends and trampled-over weapons. Word hisses through everyone that the last of the resisting rebels have fallen.
It’s difficult to focus as Lai treats my leg. Everything is hazy around the edges. Everything except Lai. Her ponytail has come mostly undone; loose strands hang around her face. Dirt and blood are smudged across her armor; however, she sustained no serious injuries, thank the gods. Her presence glows with somber triumph and grief. She struggles to wrap the bandage with one hand, so I reach out to help her.
; “Gods, I’m so glad you’re okay,” I whisper. I managed to hold everything in as we assessed casualties and everyone else dispersed to carry out their respective tasks, but now that I’m sitting and have nothing to actively take care of, everything catches up to me all at once. The fear, the shock, the fact that I nearly lost my life and could’ve lost many, if not every one, of my friends. “I lost sight of you during the fight and I thought—I didn’t know what to—”
“It’s okay now.” We tie the bandage together and she hugs me close. Her warmth is an anchor, a reassurance. Her heart beats against mine. We’re alive, we’re alive, we’re alive. “We’re okay. Everyone’s all right. We won. It’s over.”
“It’s over,” I repeat numbly. I can barely register the words. The gash in my calf burns.
“Yeah.” Lai’s hand shakes where it rests against the back of my neck. “Jay—thank you. Thank you for protecting Peter. Thank you for worrying about me. Thank you for being okay.”
“Those aren’t things you have to thank me for.”
“I’m doing it anyway.”
For some reason, I begin to cry. Lai leans her forehead against mine as tears start to streak her own cheeks. I close my eyes and we stay like that for a long time.
Eventually, Erik returns and rests a hand on both our shoulders. When Al rejoins us, she scoffs once, then wraps us all in a hug. Despite my shakiness and everything that’s happened, a laugh actually chokes its way out of me. I lean into my friends, soaking in their presences, the fact that we’re all here, that it’s over.
* * *
We set up a temporary home base in Sakchai’s Gate. Everything is a blur of motion as doctors and nurses rush through the beds already filled with wounded. Shouts for medicine and tools pierce the air. The fighters who’ve already returned but aren’t terribly hurt attempt to help as best they can, assisting with moving the injured, carrying boxes of new medicine, bringing over buckets of water. Cal, Gabriel, and Joan keep together in a corner, under watch and restrained with starlight handcuffs until the immediate aftermath of the battle has been dealt with.
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