by Coco Shawndé
Just when I was sitting up, another knock was at the door. “Please, Mr. Juelz...Before you go, because I know I won’t have another meeting...I need this.” He put out there.
“Let me get back to you. My people will be in touch.” I said, excusing myself. I didn’t know who the fuck was steady calling, but I went up to my office annoyed.
“Who is it? I said no calls while I’m in meetings.” I told the night assistant that handled the floor with all the offices.
“The housekeeper at your father’s estate.” she said, handing over the phone.
“Hello?” I said, checking on the time. It was late as fuck, and I needed to get home since Aci had volunteered to baby sit at the last minute.
“Sorry to bother you Hosea.” she said in a shaky voice.
“What is it? Somebody better be dead.” I said in a sharp tone.
“No one died.” she revealed, and I shook my head. “There is an announced visitor here. Mr. Moss left this morning in a hurry, so he isn’t here.”
“Okay, so tell them he’s gone. Fuck was this call so urgent for??” I hissed. “Tell them Moss isn’t home.”
“She isn’t here for your father.” she stammered.
“Then who she hurr for??” I probed.
“She said she’s here for you. She says that she is your mother…”
“My mother?” I said raising my head with the phone glued to my ear knowing she been dead for five fucking years!!!
“Yes, Hilary Juelz. She’s here. She wants to see you right away.” she answered.
1
Where you left off at
Hilary Juelz
“I’m here for my son, Hosea.” I said, making it clear Moss was the last man I was demanding to see. The hatred within wouldn’t allow me to be in the presence of that man, and not want to kill him.
With my fist balled, fingers rubbing together, a cluster of thoughts were on me. My aching eyes reminded me of how much sleep I have been depriving myself from and the tears I shed. The journey to get here, it all seemed unattainable in the beginning.
“You come back later?” The housekeeper suggested, in her broken dialect.
“No! You don’t understand! I need to see my son! I won’t leave until I see my son!” I stressed, on the verge of tears. “Can you call him? I’m his moth-mother.” I stammered, knowing he probably thought of me as less of, at this point in his life.
Knowing I was dead to the world these last five years, didn’t hurt none. To be dead to my son, that punctured me differently. It left a scar on me that lasted a lifetime that could only be seen through my eyes. It was five years since I was able to see Hosea, talk to him, received a call from him, and simply just knowing he would go all out for special gifts despite the status of our relationship.
Standing on Moss´ porch, flooding memories of our life came stealing my train of thought like a thief in the night. We had gotten married young, and his family didn’t approve of it. I came from a middle-class black family right out of St. Louis. Moss was full blooded Dominican and had deep roots back in his homeland. He started traveling here as a teenager due to his father and mother´s heavy involvement in the gambling business.
My mother worked part-time as a receptionist worker at the only five-star hotel in the mid 80s in downtown St. Louis. My father didn’t care too much for her job because he provided well as a third shift worker at the oil refinery. At the time, my mother was just bored. I was a teenager at the time, and not the little girl that found enjoyment from being with my parents anymore. So, she got a job at the hotel while my father worked. Well after school, I had to report to the hotel. Moss and his family only stayed there when coming into town.
The first day I seen this light bright, pretty-eyed, longed hair Dominican, I fell in love. I fell in love with his family. I had an up bringing that I couldn’t complain of, but we were far from the Juelz family. They lived on an island, traveled, and had money to stay in the best hotel money could buy at the time. That alone had me enthralled. It was those first set of dreams that kept me with Moss for the years to come.
“Take these sheets up to the penthouse.” my mother directed. I had just slung my bookbag down, and still had my headphones around my neck. Dressed head to toe in a dress my mother sewed, I was happy I decided to wear it. Knowing I had never even heard of anyone staying in the penthouse, I was eager to go knowing the boy I had just watched like a hawk family receive the suite key.
My mother knew right away something was up. Normally she couldn’t get me to do a thing at the hotel without me huffing and puffing all the way. She even got smart remarks on some days with me stating “This is your job. I don’t work here!”, and I would still be forced to carry out the task. Today, I was snatching the sheets, and wished there was more to take up there just in order for me to purposely forget it. I just wanted another reason to go to the top floor.
Carrying the sheets, I felt as if I was about to see a celebrity for the first time. Ringing the doorbell, I froze up when I saw him again.
“Housekeeping, and you´re here to deliver the sheets.” the boy said that held a baby face, but towered over me. He spoke English, but I could hear his accent behind each word that left from his mouth. He was even cuter up close, and I was now embarrassed.
“Yes, that was what I was going to say.” I stammered, so nervous, I almost forgot these sheets belonged to him. Holding them out to him, he slowly took them.
“I’m Moss. Moss Juelz.” he said proudly. He said it with such confidence, I wanted to share his last name. “Yours?”
“Hilary.” I answered, with a slight smile now. My comfort level relaxed me, and I wasn’t so jittery.
“You were at the front desk at check in. Your family owns the hotel?” He asked.
“Owns the hotel, boy please. No. My mother just works the front desk. Some old boring white man owns this place that tell jokes so bad, they come out being funny.” I revealed. He was cracking up laughing. In the midst of us mirroring smiles, his mother called for him.
“I’m going to the pool in one hour. Meet me there?” he asked.
“I-uh...sure.” I answered, knowing my mother didn’t allow me to roam through the hotel. Not because her boss cared, but she just didn’t care for me to be out. Everyone loved me, even the old boring owner that told awful jokes.
“I’ll see you there, Hilary.” he said, and shut the door.
Going back down to the front desk, I was a face full of smiles. Quickly getting to my homework, I knew it was best I finished it up now before I ran off with Moss to the pool. It took me a full hour to get done just from how unfocused I was. All I was thinking of was spending time with Moss Juelz!
That was when it all started. A love that was innocent, that turned into a tainted guilty love.
“Would you like to come in? We are getting Hosea on the phone.” another staff member proposed.
“No, thank you.” I said shaking my head. “I’ll wait here. If he’s not inside, I can wait.”
Another fifteen minutes rolled pass with me standing on the porch. It wasn’t all that hot in the night summer breeze, but I kept shifting around in my leopard print Christian Louboutins. Holding onto the chains of my Chanel bag, I knew the palm of my hands had to be red by now. Looking back at the town car that got me here, I still didn’t know how I talked my way through the front security guard booth.
“He’s on his way.” The staff member revealed, coming back to the door.
“Good.” I nodded, shaking my head up and down. The emotions inside were all over. It was almost as if I didn’t birth Hosea and I didn’t know him. In a way, I didn’t know him. I left when he was a grown man, but he still needed me as a mother these past years. It was sad that I´d never been a mother, and I was hoping to gain the position. Not only for him, but Duchess too. She didn’t even know me. She didn’t even know I left.
“I’ll wait for him out here.” I let them know. Going back to the town car, I was even more nervous a
nticipating Hosea arriving. It was late as hell, and I knew the time of me being here came as an absolute surprise. Getting off that plane, I couldn’t hold off. Enough time had gotten beaten out of me from this moment, so I had to come.
When my phone began to ring, I answered the Facetime call from Vernell. My supposed to be soon to be husband. With how troubled our relationship has been, I don’t think we would ever get there.
“Where you at?” he asked, and his deep voice and gaze still captured me fully despite how great of odds we´d been at. Vernell wasn’t a new face, or even someone that came in the recent years.
Moss was heavy in the gambling scene. From legal to illegal. Vernell ran his drug operations along with his family during that time, and still does. We met during a meeting, and right away he went after me, even though I was married. I entertained it, even though I was married. For years, he was my escape and reason why I didn’t tap out of life sooner than what I did on that dreadful Mother’s Day in Jamaica. He saved me. He made me a mother. He did everything but make me leave Moss. That was a part of our ordeal that became undiscussed. He had some demons of his own that created a wedge, as well as mine. It wasn’t until recently that we both were fighting for one another and our kids to make all of this work. We still had issues of our own, but for now, our kids were what we wanted to devote our attention to. If we could never get right, at least we knew our children knew the truth.
“I’m waiting for Hosea now.” I let him know, taking a deep sigh.
“You tell my son I’m going to be there.” he directed.
Vernell was Dominican like Moss, but he had more Hatian blood in him. His golden brown skin, lengthy salt and pepper dreads and beard, and muscular frame, he was perfection in my eyes. I have always been captivated by good looking men, which led me here.
“I-” Closing my mouth, I had looked the other way. Not knowing when Hosea would be pulling up, I was hoping to gather myself. Knowing what I had agreed upon, I knew Vernell wasn’t going to be one bit of happy that I couldn’t come out to Hosea. For him, he felt as if I lied and Hosea was his son. To me, I didn’t know which man fathered Hosea. Vernell of course said he was, and stuck by it. We had lost Hosea´s older sister when I was five months. Right after, I became pregnant with Hosea. I kept it away for years. Told him it was no way possible until he kept pushing. Building the lies, I was now standing in all my mess. Vernell believed Hosea and Duchess was his. While I wasn’t certain on the paternity. Right now, I knew it was matters on my hands to fix before I could determine the rest. I hadn’t seen my son in five years, and he was told I overdosed. I needed to clear that up, and work on fixing those damages.
“We talked about this. You don’t think he needs to know?” He stressed.
“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t believe he needed to know the truth. I just think-”
“That’s the problem. You been thinking. You been creating this shit. It’s fine, Hilary. I’ll be to talk to my son face to face. Duchess will be on a plane with me afterwards.” he said, and hung up on me. Knowing he was already making preparations to get to the mainland, it was only a matter of time. Vernell had made such a criminal mark in the U.S, he wasn’t allowed back here. I told him I would come alone and would handle things. Even try to get Hosea to come to the islands. He had no other choice but to believe me. Right now, I was going against my word, but I felt it was my better judgement.
“Do what you have to do.” I said knowing Vernell wasn’t going to stop until he was back on United States soil to see his children. He had six other children that he was heavily involved with, so him being a consistent father was never a worry. I just didn’t know if he actually was Hosea’s father. I hoped, but it was heavy doubts in my mind.
Sitting with my head rested back, headlights brought me back. Turning my head, my heart began to thump in my chest. Leaning up with my hands rubbing together, I watched in anticipation. When the driver´s door swung open, out stepped my son Hosea. His face was ice cold, and the slamming of his car door made the sleeping birds fly from the nearby trees.
Not prolonging this anymore, I stepped from the car. With tears coming from my eyes, I watched my son look at me as if I was trash. Those same eyes used to bore into mine with great joy and peace. Now, it was none of that. I had dreamed of this moment more nights than I could remember. Speechless and a ball of nerves, I came forth before he had to.
“Momma so sorry.” I sobbed, seeing how hard his face was. He had this wall surrounding him, and I knew he kept it up for his own protection. Protect him from anyone else abandoning him and to never get hurt inside.
“Tell me what the fuck you doing hurr?” he said roughly flicking his nose with his thumb. “Your ashes been sitting on my shelf at home for five fucking years.” he said through clenched teeth and hurt radiating off his words. We weren’t close at all space wise, but our energy always had its own way to transpire.
“That Mother’s Day in Jamaica…” I started, trying to control my tears. “Everything wasn’t as perfect as it may seem.”
“Nothing was ever perfect to me. I was grown then, and I’m grown now. My fucking parents were addicts!” He roared, letting me know he carried hatred in his heart from my addictions.
“You´re right. I loved being high more than being a mother.” I said, not telling no lies.
“What you back for? You always took the easy way. Always. You could have stayed dead to me. You were better off dead, because now...you hurr in the flesh, but you dead to me. You thought you would come back and I be up your ass to stay? Nah, mom. You don’t get to be invincible from your actions.” he waved off, going to get back in his car.
Not able to stand my son leaving me now, it was only a small fraction of the feeling when I left him. Him turning his back on me, I knew then it took a great deal of resentment. Resentment that I caused and was now trying to mend.
“Hosea, I don’t stand here trying to tell you how to feel. But the truth...you need it. You can portray differently, but it was a lot you had no idea of. I didn’t come here trying to not hold my own. I come to tell you the truth. If you can just hear me…” I begged, facing his back. “Here’s my number.”
Holding it out to him, it was when he took it from my hands that there was hope. Him taking the number, I didn’t even need to hear anything else. I came to see my son, and I did. Now I just needed him to use the number, so we could have an official sit down.
“Thank you, son.” I said sighing deeply. He gave me a look, then he got ghost.
Going back to the car I came in, my driver took me back to the hotel I was staying in. Being back in the states brought about many feelings. I knew it was only a matter of time before Moss would know I was back. Hopefully by then, I could be making my exit. With the full day I had, trying to rest sounded good. The dilemma I was in, it deprived me of ever getting a wink of sleep. All I could do was watch my phone for a call from Hosea.
When the room got its first glow of light from my phone, I jumped up answering it. When my eyes scanned over Vernell´s name, I slowly picked it up.
“What do you want?” I said knowing the last call didn’t go so well. We both had enough stress on us to cause us to give one another hell. I thought we had come a long enough way for us to stop trying to take one another´s head off.
“We need to talk.” He said, and I just placed the call on speaker.
“I tried that, and you hung up.” I said no longer pretending with him.
“I shouldn’t have done that. I did, though. We set to get married...I’m not trying to spend one night at odds. Definitely when I know your intentions.” He said bringing out emotions in me that only he could.
“What do you believe my intentions are? I didn’t come here all alone to keep the truth from Hosea.” I declared, knowing he had his own doubts. He didn’t voice them, but I knew better. Even with us planning to tie the knot...there was doubt. Questions of if I went back to Moss like I showed in the past, failed as a mother, or eve
n go back to the drugs I depended on for years.
First time Vernell saw me was during a meeting, and I was higher than the clouds. He saw me at my worst, and to this day I was wanting to see what he saw.
“My intentions are to tell the truth.” I stressed to him.
“What’s the truth.” he probed.
“I don’t know…” I said rubbing my head.
“You don’t know the truth?” He said with bass in his voice.
“Yes, Vernell. I don’t know who Hosea´s father is.” I answered in all honesty.
The line got quiet, and I knew I had placed more hurt on him when it came to his kids. He was a great man and greater father. To him, that position was all that matters to him. For Hosea not to be his, it would put a whole new hurting on him. In his heart it was what he always believed was true. Now, all I wanted to do was get the answers, so everyone could get some reconciliation.
“When were you going to tell me this information?” he probed.
“I’m telling you now.” I said, closing my eyes, feeling pained.
“What about Duchess? She probably not mine either, huh?,” he asked with his tone declining.
“She’s yours.” I told him, knowing it was no possible way Moss could be.
Duchess came during a time that I had fallen so deep, nothing could pull me out. My marriage was killing me, and I was just letting it. To Moss, I was becoming what his family labeled me ass. The family downfall. Running back into Vernell, it saved me. Then, I fell into his bed, getting pregnant with Duchess. I just knew I couldn’t have the baby. Moss knew it wasn’t his child, but he felt that was my saving grace. My baby girl could fix everything. Ultimately, he used me getting rehab to get rid of me, and I would never forgive him for what he did to me. If Vernell wouldn’t had found me, I don’t know what I would have done. Probably died for real.