Sahan retreated into Louie’s room. Cautiously, Soma tiptoed out and followed.
Louie’s room was lit by a Thomas the Tank Engine night light. In his cot, Louie was snoring softly. Sahan stood in the shadows, waiting. She went to him and, despite her earlier concerns, threw her arms around him. It was the closest contact she’d had with him and she felt him tense. He patted her back awkwardly. She let him go and took a step backwards. ‘I’m glad you came.’
He reached out and took her hand. ‘What happened?’
Soma curled her fingers around his. He wasn’t angry, then. He hadn’t pushed her away. He was just being Sahan. She explained quickly and quietly that Kemasiri had waited for her, that he’d attacked her. ‘Madam thinks I encouraged him. I didn’t. You have to believe me.’
His eyes gleamed blue-black in the night light. ‘Yamuna says she asked you if he attacked you and you wouldn’t say he did. Why not? Why don’t you tell her what you told me?’
‘I can’t. He’ll…’ She couldn’t tell him, could she? She knew about secrets. You told one person and then it became their secret and you had to rely on them keeping it. Could she trust Sahan not to give her away? He was a good man. He would help her, wouldn’t he?
‘Well, tell me, then. Whatever he threatened you with, we won’t let that happen. We’ll tell the police about him. We will protect you.’
She twitched at the mention of police. Even in the dark, he noticed and frowned.
‘Soma? The police here aren’t like the police at home.’
Which only made it worse. She said nothing. She could feel the change in tension in his hand. He was worried now.
‘Soma? What is going on?’
She was losing him. She had to tell him. She had to trust that he wouldn't use the information to hurt her.
‘I… did something. Kemasiri knows and I don’t want him to tell Madam.’ Perhaps he would take her word that it wasn’t anything too terrible. The real Soma was dead. She didn’t need this future. It was better that someone had it than to waste such an opportunity. Would he understand that?
Another tremor in his hand. ‘What did you do? Did you take something? Yamuna’s not a bad sort, you know. If I talk to her, I’m sure we can sort this out. Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.’
Except it was, wasn’t it? Governments didn’t like it when people lied. Powerful people got annoyed and then bad things happened. They would think that she’d killed the real Somavathi and how could she prove otherwise? Sahan’s features, already indistinct in the dim light, blurred even more as fresh tears welled up.
‘Soma?’ His voice was hardening. ‘Soma, what did you do?’
‘It’s not anything terrible. I didn’t kill anyone or anything.’ Tears spilled and ran down her face.
‘Well what is it then? Just tell me.’ His voice was still low, and it sounded like an angry snake.
She tried to stifle a sob. His hand slipped out of hers. She tucked her hand against her body. This was where it ended. All the lies, all the pretending, it had brought her here. To a dimly lit room, where she had to tell the love of her life that she wasn’t the innocent he thought she was. That she had done a terrible thing because it was less terrible than the alternative. Karma always got you in the end and this was where it had got her.
He was watching her, his head to one side, his eyes almost lost under his frown.
She had to tell him. She could lie, but it would only bring her back to this point, over and over until she told him the truth. A sob escaped. ‘I stole someone’s passport. I was running aw—’
‘You did what?’
‘There was a bus crash and the real Somavathi was dead. Her passport and everything was in her bag and I—’
Soma heard the hiss as he sucked in his breath. She reached out to him.
‘You’re not Soma?’ He stepped back, hands raised, warding her off. ‘Who are you?’
‘My name is Jaya. But I’m Soma now. I haven’t been Jaya since that day.’ This wasn’t coming out the way she’d planned. ‘Sahan, please, let me explain.’
He kept retreating. Away from her. It was only a few feet, but may as well have been a thousand miles. He was deep in the shadows now, but she’d already seen the look of horror on his face. She’d lost him.
* * *
With Louie safely ensconced upstairs with Sahan, Yamuna knocked on the study door.
‘Come in.’ Bim was sitting at the desk, his email open. ‘One second.’ He finished typing his email and minimized the window. ‘Okay.’ He turned round.
Yamuna wearily lowered herself into the other chair in the room. Bim usually used it to sit and read reports; it was more comfortable than the office chair he was sitting in now.
‘Bim. We have to do something.’
Bim laid his hands on his knees with exaggerated care. ‘I called Mr Perera and told him that his driver was here and that he may have assaulted our maid.’
‘And?’
‘He said he’d speak to the man and get his side of the story.’
‘Which will be that he’s been seeing Soma for a while. That’s what he said to you, isn’t it?’ said Yamuna.
‘Yes, but I want to be sure we have the facts.’
‘What other facts are there, Bim? I spoke to Soma. She doesn’t deny any of it. I don’t know what else you need to know.’ Yamuna ran a hand over her face. She felt ragged. Louie was such hard work. It was as though he had picked up on her own mood and amplified it.
‘Did she actually say she’s been seeing this man? Or did she just not deny it?’ Bim leaned forward, looking at her intently. It was the closest scrutiny she’d had from him since they got married.
‘What difference does it make?’ The fact that Bim was trying so hard to fight Soma’s corner irritated her beyond belief. This man, who treated his wife and child as though they were background noise, was suddenly massively interested in minute details about a girl who had almost nothing to do with him.
Anger and pain that had been suppressed for so long, boiled up inside her. Her voice rose. ‘I don’t understand why you’re taking her side!’
‘And I don’t understand why you’re not!’ His voice rose to match hers. ‘If it was anyone else, any other girl who might have been harassed, you would be the first one to stand up and say that she should be believed. You. Why will you not believe this girl?’
‘Because she isn’t saying anything! It’s only you that seems to have a bee in your bonnet about it. And… she—’ Anger morphed into despair. It was all too much. ‘Arrgh.’ Her voice cracked. The room blurred and swam. ‘It’s not fair!’ Yamuna, for the first time in her married life, burst into tears in front of her husband.
‘Y-Yamuna.’ The chair creaked as Bim stood up. Yamuna buried her face in her hands and sobbed. A hand rested on her shoulder. Bim knelt on the floor next to her. ‘Yamuna.’
Awkwardly, he put his arms around her and pulled her towards him. She sobbed into his shoulder, the unaccustomed contact making her cry even harder. After a few moments of holding her gingerly, he said. ‘Hey, hey. What brought this on?’
‘Louie loves her more than he loves me. I’m a rubbish mother. Louie doesn’t love me. You don’t care. I thought I didn’t have to be much of a wife if I was a mother to your children, but I’m awful at being that too. Louie doesn’t love me like he loves Soma. And I don’t feel anything towards him. I’ve failed at everything.’ Her whole body shook as she subsided in another volley of sobs.
Bim said nothing for a long moment, then his arms tightened around her and he pulled her close.
‘You’re wrong,’ he said. ‘You’re wrong.’ He stroked her hair with one hand. ‘It’s not you. It’s my fault too. You were so strong and capable, I thought you didn’t need me. Louie… I didn’t know what to expect with Louie and when he came, you handled it. Like you handle everything. I had no idea you felt this way.’ He pulled away from her and lifted her chin. ‘I’m so sorry.’ He leaned across, pu
lled a tissue out of the box that sat on the desk and handed it to her. ‘I had no idea and I should have.’
She blew her nose. Her body shook with another dry sob. When she finally looked up at Bim’s face, she saw a tenderness that she had never expected to see. He looked so sad. So contrite. ‘It’s not your fault,’ she said, almost by reflex.
‘Oh, but it is. You’re right. I haven’t given you and Louie any attention.’ He sighed. ‘I’m not a young man, Yamuna. Getting married was a huge shock to me. I thought we would move into a bigger house together and then things would carry on as normal. I didn’t expect… I don’t know. I didn’t expect things to change so much. Stupid of me, I suppose.’
‘But our wedding was a transaction. You needed a wife. I needed a husband. We both wanted a child.’ She swallowed another sob. Bim passed her the box of tissues.
‘I didn’t need a wife,’ he said. ‘I wanted one. I didn’t want to grow old and find myself alone in the world. And I wanted to have someone to leave all this to. But I didn’t want to put any effort into making it work. I’m sorry. I was a relative stranger to you when we got married and I let us carry on like that.’
‘We tried, didn’t we? When we first got married.’ It seemed so long ago now, even though it was barely two years. They had done all the usual things. Going away for weekends, that sort of thing. It hadn’t been easy and neither of them had been comfortable with it, but they had done it. Ticking off a list of things they expected newlyweds did. When she got pregnant with Louie, it had been a relief. Not only because she’d wanted to be a mother, but because it meant they could stop pretending to be in love and get on with other things instead.
‘But I stopped trying after a while.’ Bim settled down on the floor. ‘Yamuna. When I asked my parents to find me a wife, there were a lot of women who were suitable. A lot.’
She nodded. She didn’t doubt it. He was rich. He had no dodgy past, no obvious disfigurements. He was an inoffensive, quiet, rich man, who was willing to take a wife who was older than most brides out there. Who wouldn’t be interested?
‘Do you know why I chose you?’
She shook her head. ‘Because I have a PhD?’
He smiled. ‘That you were intelligent helped. No, I chose you because I thought you were the best investment. You’re clever, charming, adaptable and so utterly capable. I thought, this is a woman who I can rely on; no matter what life throws at us, she will help me deal with it.’
‘You chose me as an asset?’ It was hardly the sexiest way to be described, but this was Bim. To him, everything was either an investment or a waste of time. An asset, to him, was the best thing you could be.
He looked sheepish. ‘I suppose, yes. But the thing is, I forgot that a marriage isn’t a business transaction. I needed to work at it too.’
She gave him a small smile. ‘You forgot to work your assets?’
He grimaced. ‘Something like that.’ He reached forward and pushed her hair back off her face. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll try and do better from now on. Can you forgive me?’
She nodded. ‘Of course I can, Bim. But you can’t blame yourself. Most of it is my fault. I… I’ve failed as—’ Tears welled up again.
Bim pulled her close to him and hugged her. She felt so pathetically grateful that she started sobbing all over again.
‘Yamuna,’ he said after a few more minutes. ‘Do you think, perhaps, you’re a bit depressed? It’s clearly not been easy for you.’
‘But Louie does hate me,’ she said. ‘And I look at him and I feel… trapped. Not love. Just this feeling of being trapped.’
‘I think that can happen,’ he said. ‘It was in that American baby book you made me read.’
‘You actually read it?’ She had assumed he’d put it in his briefcase and forgotten about it.
‘Of course I read it,’ he said. ‘I just didn’t think I had to do anything with the information.’
She stared at him, completely baffled. How could he think that he didn’t have to do anything about raising a child? He was the boy’s father.
‘See, I told you, I’m not so good at real life,’ he said.
That made her smile. ‘We’re a funny pair,’ she said.
He nodded. ‘How about we both agree to try doing things differently? I promise I will try and come home earlier each night, so that I get to see Louie on weeknights, not just at the weekend. And you, my lovely wife, you must promise me you will go and see the doctor to check if you have postnatal depression. Deal?’
‘Another deal?’
‘Yes. I see. I’m sorry.’
‘No, it’s fine. You’re right. I promise. It’s a deal.’
‘Good. I’m glad we got this straightened out.’ He smiled at her and, to her great surprise, gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek. What happened now? Was that the end of the discussion? Did they go back to him hiding in his study and her dealing with things?
‘Now, about what we were discussing before,’ said Bim. His smile disappeared, to be replaced by a worried frown.
Yamuna sighed. ‘Yes. Why don’t you tell me what happened? From the beginning.’
He sat back and rubbed his eyes. ‘The look on her face.’ He shuddered. ‘I came in. She was pressed up against the wall. He was stroking her face and she… She looked at me. Her face. Yamuna. She was terrified.’
‘And that’s why you think he was attacking her.’
He nodded. ‘He was very close to her. She wasn’t struggling or anything, but it looked to me like she was very, very frightened. Which makes me think he threatened her with something worse than physical violence.’
Yamuna stared. ‘Worse than forcing himself on her? What could be worse than that?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe he threatened to hurt someone she loves. Blackmailed her in some way. There is more to this than meets the eye, Yamuna, and I don’t think the girl is to blame.’
Yamuna took this in. ‘What if he threatened to hurt Louie?’ Her blood ran cold.
‘Could be,’ said Bim. ‘But if that was it, she could have told you.’
‘Something or someone from home, then?’ Yamuna sat back and frowned. Pieces of the puzzle started fitting together: the nights when she’d heard Soma cry out in her sleep; the need for the bolt on the door; the reluctance to write home.
‘Now I come to think of it, there are a few things that don’t add up. The agency called a few weeks ago to check she was okay because her people hadn’t heard from her and were worried. She doesn’t really talk about home, either. And when she first came here, she seemed to be really frightened of something. I thought it was the shock of moving to another country, but maybe there was more to it than that.’ Could it be? Had she been so wrapped up in her own small miseries that she had completely failed to notice something so vital?
Bim nodded, his expression far away. ‘Perhaps home has something she’d like to forget.’
* * *
In Louie’s room, the wall at his back stopped Sahan’s retreat. This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t name half of the feelings that were churning inside him, but they all made him want to be sick. He couldn’t breathe. Soma. His lovely, sweet Soma, was a fabrication. She wasn’t real. This girl had lied to him, had made him fall in love with her and was now asking him to lie to his cousin, so that she could carry on with her lie. What a fool he had been. What a fool.
His face burned and his heart was drowning in bile. He had been here before. Taken in by a girl that he’d thought was good. But Tamsin had merely toyed with him. He hadn’t been in love with her. This. This was much worse.
She was still standing in the glow of the nightlight. ‘Sahan.’ The sound was barely a whisper. As it left her, she crumpled. He stared at her, on her knees, sobbing into her hands and revulsion turned to anger. She had played him for a fool. For all this time, she’d been laughing at him, stringing him along. Even now, she was hoping that tears and a display of misery would make him relent. Well, that wasn’t going to ha
ppen.
Half an hour ago, he’d been willing to bet anything that she had been wronged. That she was a victim. But here she was showing him just how good a liar she was. She had played a part and played it so well that he’d fallen for it without the slightest hesitation.
He had thought she was the kind of woman he could make a life with. She was no better than Tamsin. Another wave of nausea. He retched, hot liquid climbing his throat. He dashed out, passing the sobbing girl without a downward glance.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Sahan did not sleep well that night. His thoughts circled around one another; memories of home, memories of Soma, memories of the awful, plunging despair. Finally, at six o’clock, when it wasn’t quite dawn, he hauled himself to his feet, pulled on the jumper that served as his dressing down and shuffled quietly downstairs.
Sitting at the kitchen table, nursing his coffee, he forced himself to consider what Soma had told him. He had looked online to see if there had been a bus crash at the time she had come over. All he’d found were a few lines – bus ran off the road, several dead – the victims were not identified or discussed. At least that bit was true. It made sense. Two girls, one noted missing, the other on her way to the UK. When Soma’s passport was used, the authorities would have assumed that she’d survived and the other girl was the dead one. But it still left the fact that Soma wasn’t who he thought she was.
It hurt, it still did, but he had to rise above that and think about how it affected his future. The future he had pictured was gone. He needed a new one. One without Soma in it.
He thought of her face, turned up to gape at the stained glass window at York Minster. She had looked so amazed, so happy, so young. How old was she? He had always thought she looked young for her age. He’d put it down to the short hair and the fact that he wasn’t used to seeing girls without a layer of make-up any more. But it could be because she really was very young.
Then he felt revulsion towards himself. Had he inadvertently fallen in love with her because she seemed unspoilt and young? What did that make him? He shuddered. Had he been lying to himself as well? This thing he called love…
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