by Fannie Flagg
Raymond agreed. “No, but we did give them everything we thought they would need to help: logic, reason, compassion, a great sense of humor, but…whether or not they use it is up to them. And after that, all you can do is love them, and hope for the best.” He then looked over at Dorothy. “I think it was the hardest thing we had to do, let them make their own mistakes….”
“Oh, by far,” Dorothy said.
Then Raymond said to Elner, “But I suppose everybody feels that way, you know they have to leave the nest…but you just hate to see them go.”
“I see your point,” said Elmer. “When Linda left home, Norma went to bed for six months with a rag on her head….”
Suddenly a bell went off in the kitchen, and Dorothy jumped up.
“Oh, good!” she said. “The cake’s done, let me run and take it out of the oven, I’ll be right back.”
Elner perked up at the thought of cake.
Norma’s Lady Minister
After Irene Goodnight had a good cry over Elner, she pulled herself together and called Neva and ordered her flowers and then wondered what she could do to help Norma. She would be so upset, she was going to need all the help and support she could get. Irene would start fixing some food, to take over to their house. Maybe some baked chicken, a green bean casserole, macaroni and cheese, and a Bundt cake. No onions or bell peppers. Nothing too spicy. When you are upset, you need bland and simple cream-based food. Before she went to the kitchen to start preparing, she decided to call Reverend Susie Hill, Norma’s lady minister over at the Unity Church, and alert her.
She dialed her home number.
“Hello?”
“Susie, it’s Irene Goodnight.”
“Well, hello, how are you?”
“Just fine, but I’m afraid I’m calling with some bad news. Elner Shimfissle just died, so I wanted to let you know.”
“Oh no!” said a surprised Susie. “What happened?”
“Wasps got her, knocked her clean out of her tree. Norma and Macky are up in Kansas City at the Caraway Hospital right now, so you might want to call or something.”
“Oh, of course…yes…thank you for letting me know.”
Susie put the phone down, and felt terrible. Not only was Norma a member of her congregation, she was also a good friend. When she had first moved to town, she had met Norma at Weight Watchers and had liked her immediately. Norma was such a lovely woman, a classy woman, really, always so beautifully and tastefully dressed. Susie had been so pleased when Norma had started coming to her church; even though she was Norma’s minister, it was Norma she confided in, and asked for her help and advice about many things. Norma had helped her decorate her small town home, and had sent her husband, Macky, over to fix her pipes in the bathroom. But right now she knew poor Norma must be devastated. Norma had worried so much about Elner and had even brought her to church with her several times, and she had been a delight, so full of life, so full of fun, even at her age. That first day at church Mrs. Shimfissle had hugged her and said, “I’m just tickled to death, I lived to see a real lady minister in the flesh, and you’re so cute too.” Susie was newly ordained and had not had much experience with death as of yet, but it was now her duty as Norma’s minister and friend to try to comfort Norma in her time of loss.
Susie had worked long and hard to get to where she was finally able to help other people; she had struggled through a long agonizing period of ten and a half years, losing around a hundred and ten pounds, going from a size eighteen down to a size eight. And it had not been easy. She had tried every diet, from Pritikin to Atkins, from low fat to high fat and back again, but she had never been able to keep it off for more than a few months. Her last stop had been Overeaters Anonymous, and along with Weight Watchers, and praying every day, it had worked so far. Her sponsor in Overeaters Anonymous had told her to stay away from trans fats, walk every day, and pray like a son of a bitch, which she did, but it had still been a daily battle.
She had become a Christian Scientist for a while, had studied Buddhism, Hinduism, the Kabala, Catholicism, Scientology, read the Book of Miracles; studied and searched and prayed to just about anybody and everybody at one time or another, but somewhere along the line, something had happened. In September of 1998 while attending a “Silent Retreat” week at Unity Village outside of Kansas City, she had received a calling to become a Unity minister, and the little Unity Church in Elmwood Springs was her first congregation. So far they had over fifty members. Few people who saw the five-foot-four minister would have believed by looking at her that there was a huge, fat woman sitting inside her, who at the slightest sign of stress was ready to run to the nearest International House of Pancakes. She had to be careful. Death was a stress-producing situation, and the thought of having to deal with seeing Norma’s poor old Aunt Elner dead in her coffin made her want to eat an entire coconut cake. But she would have a glass of water and a protein bar instead, then she would get dressed, suit up, and show up for Norma.
Telling Lies
As Linda Warren ran through the private hangar at the airport, and boarded the plane, one thought kept running over and over in her head. Aunt Elner is dead. She knew that’s what her daddy had said, but still she couldn’t quite believe it. As the plane took off headed for Kansas City, another wave of guilt hit her as she remembered what she and her father had done to Aunt Elner. Lying about the mice was not the first time she had lied to Aunt Elner, and the first time had been even a worse deception.
Over the years Aunt Elner had had a series of orange tabby cats named Sonny, and seventeen years ago, when her mother and Aunt Elner had gone to visit Aunt Elner’s niece Mary Grace, Linda had volunteered to stay in her house and take care of Sonny number six while she was away. But on the second day, the cat disappeared. Linda had been frantic and had called her daddy in hysterics, and for the next four days she and Macky had looked everywhere, but had not found him, nor had he come home. On the sixth day, when they realized he was gone for good, they were now both frantic because they knew how upset Aunt Elner would be when she came home and he was not there. They started calling all the humane societies and pet stores within a hundred miles, looking for an orange cat to replace Sonny.
Finally a woman from the Poplar Springs Humane Society called them back and said they had a male orange tabby cat over there named Marmalade that a woman had to get rid of because he was clawing up all her furniture. She and her daddy had jumped into the car and rushed over to see him, and thank heavens, although he was younger, and a few pounds heavier, Marmalade was the spitting image of Sonny. They grabbed him and rushed back to Elmwood Springs and hoped for the best. When Aunt Elner came home and saw him, all she had said was that Sonny certainly looked well fed, and thanked her. They had not told Norma a thing, because she would never have been able to keep a secret, and they had held their breath for the next two days, and both had breathed a sigh of relief when Aunt Elner called and said, “Linda, old Sonny sure must have missed me, because he is being so sweet, all he wants to do night and day is sit in my lap.”
Things went smoothly, until six months later when they had another close call. One morning Aunt Elner had called Macky and said, “Macky, Sonny is going to have to be fixed again, the first time must not have taken, because he’s spraying all over the house.” When Macky had picked him up and taken him to Dr. Shaw, Abby, the vet’s wife and assistant, had been puzzled.
“I have it on my records that he was already neutered, eleven years ago.”
“That was another Sonny,” Macky said, “but don’t tell her.”
Abby and Dr. Shaw had gone along with it, thank goodness. And Aunt Elner never knew that Sonny number six was really Sonny number seven, and because of their lie, Aunt Elner thought she had a twenty-five-year-old tomcat and had bragged on him to everyone. “Look what good shape he’s in,” she had said. “Why, in cat years he must be way over a hundred and fifty years old!” Of course, Linda and her father had felt terrible every time she said it,
and were both horrified when she had her picture in the paper holding what she thought was a twenty-five-year-old cat, but there was nothing they could do.
Linda made her mind up right then and there and as soon as the plane landed, even though she did not particularly like cats, she took out her cell phone and called her daughter. “Hi, sweetheart, Momma will be home as soon as I can, and I’m bringing you a kitty when I come.” Apple had been delighted and couldn’t wait until she got back. She had been asking her mother for a cat for a long time, and Aunt Elner would have been pleased to know that Sonny was going to live with her and Apple. It was the least she could do. As she jumped into the car waiting for her at the airport, and sat back, she had another thought: “How old is that cat?”
Chatting with Raymond
As soon as Dorothy left the room to take the cake out of the oven, Raymond waited for a second, then asked, “Do you mind if I smoke?”
“No, not at all,” said Elner, “go right ahead.”
He grinned as he pulled out his pipe and a can of Prince Albert tobacco from the back of the drawer, and said, “This is one of those ‘What Dorothy doesn’t know won’t hurt her’ things. OK?”
“OK,” she said. “My lips are sealed.”
After he lit his pipe, he sat back and said, “Elner, I know you’re supposed to be asking the questions, but would you mind if I asked you a few things?”
“Sure, as long as they are not too hard.”
“You know,” he said, blowing out a long puff of smoke, “we really admired the way you handled your life, even during the Depression, never a complaint. I’m curious, what would you say was your philosophy of life?”
Elner laughed. “Philosophy? Oh, Raymond, I’m not smart enough to have a philosophy, I guess I just tried to do my best and get along with other people, that’s all.”
He nodded at her and said, “Well, that’s enough, I can’t ask for more than that.” He then leaned in and said, “Confidentially, Elner, just between you and me, and feel free to be perfectly candid, what do you think about people?”
“Me?”
“Yes,” he said, looking at her intently. “I’d really like your opinion.”
“Well, Raymond, personally, I always liked them. They just tickled me to death with all their funny little ways.”
“Like what?”
“Oh, I don’t know, I guess the way they all have their little routines, get themselves dressed up in some of those crazy rigs they put on, get their hair all fixed and get so puffed up, I don’t know why, but I always thought they were kind of funny. I’ve been sitting on my porch for years, watching them go by, running here, running there, and watching people has been better than a picture show, and I’m not saying this just because you made them, but really, with only a few exceptions, I never met one I didn’t like, but now, Raymond,” Elner said, looking over at him, “what do you think about people? It’s your opinion that really counts, not mine.”
He was a little taken aback. “Me? Oh, well,” he said. “Hmmm…let’s see…” He sat there for a while seriously contemplating the question, took a few drags off his pipe, and then said, “The God’s honest truth, Elner? And being as objective as I can be…under the circumstances.”
“Of course.”
He smiled. “I’m just crazy about them, each and every one.”
“Ahhh…and what is it about them you like?” she asked.
“Oh, everything,” he said with a faraway look in his eye. “How hard they try, how they just keep going no matter what…and brave? Why, those crazy fools will run into burning buildings or jump into rivers, just to save a complete stranger! Did you know that?”
“Oh, yes, I’ve read about it.”
He continued, “And smart? Imagine, they figured out how to get all the way to the moon! And I’m constantly amazed at all the hundreds of little things they do for one another, even when they think no one is watching…. Of course, they still have along way to go, but oh boy, when they all finally evolve into who they are supposed to be, it’s going to be just great!”
Elner asked, “How much longer do you figure we have to go? You don’t think we are going to blow ourselves up before we get there, do you?”
“No. I don’t.”
“Well, I hope you’re right.”
“Oh, I am, no doubt about it.”
“That’s good news. So let me ask you this, then. Of all the humans that ever lived, who was your favorite so far?”
“Let’s see, not counting the ones coming in the future.” He said as he nodded over to the wall with the pictures of little babies on it, “Hard to say, they are all special…teachers…visiting nurses…firemen—excuse me, firepersons now—but I was particularly fond of the U.S. women’s soccer team, weren’t they something? But really, Elner, I have no favorites, they are all different and unique in some—”
Suddenly Raymond’s cell phone rang and played Elner’s favorite hymn, “Can’t Wait to Get to Heaven.” He put on his glasses and looked at the readout, and said, “Pardon me just a second, I need to get this,” and picked up.
“Hello,” he said, and then Raymond looked over at Elner and smiled and winked at her. “Yes, she sure is. She’s sitting right here with me as we speak…. Well, come on, then.” He hung up and smiled at her. “That was an admirer of yours who wants to stop by in a minute and meet you…. Now, where were we? Do you have another question?”
“Oh, well, it’s not that I’m not having a good time visiting with you, but I was wondering when we were going to get to the judgment part? I’m kind of anxious to get that over with.”
“The what part?” asked Raymond.
“Judgment? Don’t I have to account for my sins or something before I move on?”
He laughed. “Oh good Lord, no, you’re not here to be judged.”
“I’m not?”
“No. You’re human, for heaven’s sake; everybody makes mistakes, even me, and besides, mistakes happen for a reason. Hopefully you can learn from them.”
Elner asked tentatively, “Then, you’re not mad at me over the Ex-Lax candy thing?”
Raymond laughed again. “Nooo, I thought it was pretty funny myself, but that’s a perfect example. If you hadn’t done it, then felt bad about it later, you never would have gotten to know Luther Griggs.”
“I did feel bad about it. Imagine me, trying to get revenge on an eight-year-old boy for throwing rocks at my cat.”
“Yes, but if you hadn’t been sorry, and then made a decision to be nice to that boy when you did, he would have led a much different life. You don’t know what you saved him from. I do!”
“But how do you know if you’re making the right decision?”
“Easy!” he said. “Just like two and two always add up to four, kindness and forgiveness is always right, hate and revenge is always wrong. It’s a fail-proof system; if you just stick to that one simple rule, why, you couldn’t make a mistake if you tried.” He sat back and crossed his arms. “Pretty neat, huh?”
“Wow!” she said. “I like it. It sure takes all the guesswork out of living, doesn’t it?”
“Doesn’t it?”
There was a light rap on the door and Raymond looked at her. “Uh-oh, get ready, here comes your admirer,” and called out, “Come on in, the door’s open.”
Elner could not imagine who it could be, but when she turned around and saw the man with the white hair walk in, she recognized him instantly.
“Elner Shimfissle,” said a smiling Raymond, “say hello to Thomas Alva Edison.” Elner could hardly believe it; there stood the Wizard of Menlo Park himself, looking exactly like his picture, hanging on her living room wall.
“Sorry to interrupt, Raymond,” Thomas said, “but I just had to stop by and shake this lady’s hand.”
Elner started to get up, but he stopped her. “Oh, don’t get up, Mrs. Shimfissle. Just wanted to say a quick hello, and thank you for all your good wishes and support over the years.”
; “Oh, my heavens,” said a flustered Elner. “Well, it’s just a thrill to meet you. I’ve always wanted to shake your hand and thank you for everything you did.”
“Oh, it was nothing.”
“Nothing!” she said. “Why, honey, you lit the entire world, if it hadn’t been for you, we’d all still be sitting in the dark.”
“Sit down for a minute, Tom,” said Raymond, thoroughly enjoying watching the two of them. Tom sat in the chair next to her and said, “Well, thank you so much, Mrs. Shimfissle.”
“Call me Elner. I always told people that, next to the Maker here, of course,” she said, nodding over at Raymond, “you rank pretty high up there in my book.”
Tom laughed. “Thank you again, but it was Raymond who came up with the ideas, he just let me think of them.”
Raymond, knocking his pipe on the ashtray, said, “Don’t sell yourself short, Tom. You put in a lot of hard work.”
“Maybe, but I had a lot of fun too. Elner, I also wanted to thank you for thinking of me on my birthday every year, I really appreciate that.”
Elner waved it off. “Shoot, after all you did for the human race, it was the least I could do. My niece Norma said it was a waste of electricity, running my appliances all day, but I always say electricity is the best bargain there is. Why, for just a few cents a day, I had lights and heat and I got to listen to the radio, I never missed one of Neighbor Dorothy’s shows, you have no idea what a comfort it is to have company coming into your very own house over the radio or the TV…. Just imagine how much company you have given to all the shut-ins and so forth, people don’t have to be all alone anymore.”
Tom nodded. “I hadn’t thought about that aspect.”
“Well, think about it, and pat yourself on the back, and I’ll tell you something else, Tom. May I call you Tom?”
“Oh, please.”
“I wish your idea for running cars on batteries had caught on back then. Macky said gasoline prices were going through the roof.”