BY ADVICE OF COUNSEL
The traveller champed meditatively at his steak. He paid no attentionto the altercation which was in progress between the waiter and the manat the other end of the dingy room. The sounds of strife ceased. Thewaiter came over to the traveller's table and stood behind his chair.He was ruffled.
'If he meant lamb,' he said, querulously, 'why didn't he say "lamb",so's a feller could hear him? I thought he said "ham", so I broughtham. Now Lord Percy gets all peevish.'
He laughed bitterly. The traveller made no reply.
'If people spoke distinct,' said the waiter, 'there wouldn't be halfthe trouble there is in the world. Not half the trouble there wouldn'tbe. I shouldn't be here, for one thing. In this restawrong, I mean.' Asigh escaped him.
'I shouldn't,' he said, 'and that's the truth. I should be getting upwhen I pleased, eating and drinking all I wanted, and carrying on sameas in the good old days. You wouldn't think, to look at me, would younow, that I was once like the lily of the field?'
The waiter was a tall, stringy man, who gave the impression of havingno spine. In that he drooped, he might have been said to resemble aflower, but in no other respect. He had sandy hair, weak eyes set closetogether, and a day's growth of red stubble on his chin. One could notsee him in the lily class.
'What I mean to say is, I didn't toil, neither did I spin. Ah, them washappy days! Lying on me back, plenty of tobacco, something cool in ajug--'
He sighed once more.
'Did you ever know a man of the name of Moore? Jerry Moore?'
The traveller applied himself to his steak in silence.
'Nice feller. Simple sort of feller. Big. Quiet. Bit deaf in one ear.Straw-coloured hair. Blue eyes. 'Andsome, rather. Had a 'ouse justoutside of Reigate. Has it still. Money of his own. Left him by his pa.Simple sort of feller. Not much to say for himself. I used to know himwell in them days. Used to live with him. Nice feller he was. Big. Bithard of hearing. Got a sleepy kind of grin, like this--something.'
The traveller sipped his beer in thoughtful silence.
'I reckon you never met him,' said the waiter. 'Maybe you never knewGentleman Bailey, either? We always called him that. He was one ofthese broken-down Eton or 'Arrer fellers, folks said. We struck up apartnership kind of casual, both being on the tramp together, and aftera while we 'appened to be round about Reigate. And the first house wecome to was this Jerry Moore's. He come up just as we was sliding tothe back door, and grins that sleepy grin. Like this--something."'Ullo!" he says. Gentleman kind of gives a whoop, and hollers, "If itain't my old pal, Jerry Moore! Jack," he says to me, "this is my oldpal, Mr Jerry Moore, wot I met in 'appier days down at Ramsgate onesummer."
'They shakes hands, and Jerry Moore says, "Is this a friend of yours,Bailey?" looking at me. Gentleman introduces me. "We are partners," hesays, "partners in misfortune. This is my friend, Mr Roach."
'"Come along in," says Jerry.
'So we went in, and he makes us at home. He's a bachelor, and lives allby himself in this desirable 'ouse.
'Well, I seen pretty quick that Jerry thinks the world of Gentleman.All that evening he's acting as if he's as pleased as Punch to havehim there. Couldn't do enough for him. _It_ was a bit of _all_right, I said to meself. It was, too.
'Next day we gets up late and has a good breakfast, and sits on thelawn and smokes. The sun was shining, the little birds was singing, andthere wasn't a thing, east, west, north, or south, that looked likework. If I had been asked my address at that moment, on oath, Iwouldn't have hesitated a second. I should have answered, "No. 1, EasyStreet." You see, Jerry Moore was one of these slow, simple fellers,and you could tell in a moment what a lot he thought of Gentleman.Gentleman, you see, had a way with him. Not haughty, he wasn't. Moreaffable, I should call it. He sort of made you feel that all men areborn equal, but that it was awful good of him to be talking to you, andthat he wouldn't do it for everybody. It went down proper with JerryMoore. Jerry would sit and listen to him giving his views on things bythe hour. By the end of the first day I was having visions of sittingin that garden a white-baked old man, and being laid out, when my timeshould come, in Jerry's front room.'
He paused, his mind evidently in the past, among the cigars and bigbreakfasts. Presently he took up his tale.
'This here Jerry Moore was a simple sort of feller. Deafies are likethat. Ever noticed? Not that Jerry was a real deafy. His hearing was abit off, but he could foller you if you spoke to him nice and clear.Well, I was saying, he was kind of simple. Liked to put in his dayspottering about the little garden he'd made for himself, looking afterhis flowers and his fowls, and sit of an evening listening to Gentleman'olding forth on Life. He was a philosopher, Gentleman was. And Jerrytook everything he said as gospel. He didn't want no proofs. 'E andthe King of Denmark would have been great pals. He just sat by with hisbig blue eyes getting rounder every minute and lapped it up.
'Now you'd think a man like that could be counted on, wouldn't you?Would he want anything more? Not he, you'd say. You'd be wrong. Believeme, there isn't a man on earth that's fixed and contented but what awoman can't knock his old Paradise into 'ash with one punch.
'It wasn't long before I begin to notice a change in Jerry. He neverhad been what you'd call a champion catch-as-catch-can talker, but nowhe was silenter than ever. And he got a habit of switching Gentlemanoff from his theories on Life in general to Woman in particular. Thissuited Gentleman just right. What he didn't know about Woman wasn'tknowledge.
'Gentleman was too busy talking to have time to get suspicious, but Iwasn't; and one day I draws Gentleman aside and puts it to himstraight. "Gentleman," I says, "Jerry Moore is in love!"
'Well, this was a nasty knock, of course, for Gentleman. He knew aswell as I did what it would mean if Jerry was to lead home a blushingbride through that front door. It would be outside into the cold, hardworld for the bachelor friends. Gentleman sees that quick, and his jawdrops. I goes on. "All the time," I says, "that you're talking away ofan evening, Jerry's seeing visions of a little woman sitting in yourchair. And you can bet we don't enter into them visions. He may dreamof little feet pattering about the house," I says, "but they aren'tours; and you can 'ave something on that both ways. Look alive,Gentleman," I says, "and think out some plan, or we might as well bepadding the hoof now."
'Well, Gentleman did what he could. In his evening discourses hestarted to give it to Woman all he knew. Began to talk about Delilahsand Jezebels and Fools-there-was and the rest of it, and what a mug afeller was to let a female into 'is cosy home, who'd only make himspend his days hooking her up, and his nights wondering how to get backthe blankets without waking her. My, he was crisp! Enough to have givenRomeo the jumps, you'd have thought. But, lor! It's no good talking tothem when they've got it bad.
'A few days later we caught him with the goods, talking in the road toa girl in a pink dress.
'I couldn't but admit that Jerry had picked one right from the top ofthe basket. This wasn't one of them languishing sort wot sits about incosy corners and reads story-books, and don't care what's happening inthe home so long as they find out what became of the hero in his duelwith the Grand Duke. She was a brown, slim, wiry-looking little thing._You_ know. Held her chin up and looked you up and down with eyesthe colour of Scotch whisky, as much as to say, "Well, what_about_ it?" You could tell without looking at her, just by thefeel of the atmosphere when she was near, that she had as much snap andgo in her as Jerry Moore hadn't, which was a good bit. I knew, just assure as I was standing there on one leg, that this was the sort of girlwho would have me and Gentleman out of that house about three secondsafter the clergyman had tied the knot.
'Jerry says, "These are my friends, Miss Tuxton--Mr Bailey and MrRoach. They are staying with me for a visit. This is Miss Jane Tuxton,"he says to us. "I was just going to see Miss Tuxton home," he says,sort of wistful. "Excellent," says Gentleman. "We'll come too." And weall goes along. There wasn't much done in the way of conversation.Jerry never was on
e for pushing out the words; nor was I, when in thepresence of the sect; and Miss Jane had her chin in the air, as if shethought me and Gentleman was not needed in any way whatsoever. Theonly talk before we turned her in at the garden gate was done byGentleman, who told a pretty long story about a friend of his in UpperSydenham who had been silly enough to marry, and had had trouble eversince.
'That night, after we had went to bed, I said to Gentleman,"Gentleman," I says, "what's going to be done about this? We've gotabout as much chance, if Jerry marries that girl," I says, "as a coupleof helpless chocolate creams at a school-girls' picnic." "If," saysGentleman. "He ain't married her yet. That is a girl of character,Jack. Trust me. Didn't she strike you as a girl who would like a manwith a bit of devil in him, a man with some go in him, a you-be-darnedkind of man? Does Jerry fill the bill? He's more like a doormat with'Welcome' written on it, than anything else."
'Well, we seen a good deal of Miss Jane in the next week or so. Wekeeps Jerry under--what's it the heroine says in the melodrama? "Oh,cruel, cruel, S.P. something." Espionage, that's it. We keeps Jerryunder espionage, and whenever he goes trickling round after the girl,we goes trickling round after him.
'"Things is running our way," says Gentleman to me, after one of thesemeetings. "That girl is getting cross with Jerry. She wants RecklessRudolf, not a man who stands and grins when other men butt in on himand his girl. Mark my words, Jack. She'll get tired of Jerry, and gooff and marry a soldier, and we'll live happy ever after." "Think so?"I says. "Sure of it," said Gentleman.
'It was the Sunday after this that Jerry Moore announces to us,wriggling, that he had an engagement to take supper with Jane and herfolks. He'd have liked to have slipped away secret, but we was keepinghim under espionage too crisp for that, so he has to tell us."Excellent," said Gentleman. "It will be a great treat to Jack andmyself to meet the family. We will go along with you." So off we allgoes, and pushes our boots in sociable fashion under the Tuxton table.I looked at Miss Jane out of the corner of my eye; and, honest, thatchin of hers was sticking out a foot, and Jerry didn't dare look ather. Love's young dream, I muses to myself, how swift it fades when aman has the nature and disposition of a lop-eared rabbit!
'The Tuxtons was four in number, not counting the parrot, and all male.There was Pa Tuxton, an old feller with a beard and glasses; a fatuncle; a big brother, who worked in a bank and was dressed like Mosesin all his glory; and a little brother with a snub nose, that cheekyyou'd have been surprised. And the parrot in its cage and a fat yellowdog. And they're all making themselves pleasant to Jerry, the wealthyfuture son-in-law, something awful. It's "How are the fowls, MrMoore?" and "A little bit of this pie, Mr Moore; Jane made it," andJerry sitting there with a feeble grin, saying "Yes" and "No" andnothing much more, while Miss Jane's eyes are snapping like Fifth ofNovember fireworks. I could feel Jerry's chances going back a mile aminute. I felt as happy as a little child that evening. I sang goingback home.
'Gentleman's pleased, too. "Jack," he says to me when we're in bed,"this is too easy. In my most sanguinary dreams I hardly hoped forthis. No girl of spirit's going to love a man who behaves that way toher parents. The way to win the heart of a certain type of girl," hesays, beginning on his theories, "the type to which Jane Tuxtonbelongs, is to be rude to her family. I've got Jane Tuxton sized up andlabelled. Her kind wants her folks to dislike her young man. She wantsto feel that she's the only one in the family that's got the sense tosee the hidden good in Willie. She doesn't want to be one of a crowdhollering out what a nice young man he is. It takes some pluck in a manto stand up to a girl's family, and that's what Jane Tuxton is lookingfor in Jerry. Take it from one who has studied the sect," saysGentleman, "from John o' Groat's to Land's End, and back again."
'Next day Jerry Moore's looking as if he'd only sixpence in the worldand had swallowed it. "What's the matter, Jerry?" says Gentleman. Jerryheaves a sigh. "Bailey," he says, "and you, Mr Roach, I expect you bothseen how it is with me. I love Miss Jane Tuxton, and you seen foryourselves what transpires. She don't value me, not tuppence." "Say notso," says Gentleman, sympathetic. "You're doing fine. If you knew thesect as I do you wouldn't go by mere superficial silences andchin-tiltings. I can read a girl's heart, Jerry," he says, patting himon the shoulder, "and I tell you you're doing fine. All you want nowis a little rapid work, and you win easy. To make the thing a cert,"he says, getting up, "all you have to do is to make a dead set at herfolks." He winks at me. "Don't just sit there like you did last night.Show 'em you've got something in you. You know what folks are: theythink themselves the most important things on the map. Well, go towork. Consult them all you know. Every opportunity you get. There'snothing like consulting a girl's folks to put you in good with her."And he pats Jerry on the shoulder again and goes indoors to find hispipe.
'Jerry turns to me. "Do you think that's really so?" he says. I says,"I do." "He knows all about girls, I reckon," says Jerry. "You can goby him every time," I says. "Well, well," says Jerry, sort ofthoughtful.'
The waiter paused. His eye was sad and dreamy. Then he took up theburden of his tale.
'First thing that happens is that Gentleman has a sore tooth on thenext Sunday, so don't feel like coming along with us. He sits at home,dosing it with whisky, and Jerry and me goes off alone.
'So Jerry and me pikes off, and once more we prepares to settle downaround the board. I hadn't noticed Jerry particular, but just now Icatches sight of his face in the light of the lamp. Ever see one ofthose fighters when he's sitting in his corner before a fight, waitingfor the gong to go? Well, Jerry looks like that; and it surprises me.
'I told you about the fat yellow dog that permeated the Tuxton'shouse, didn't I? The family thought a lot of that dog, though of allthe ugly brutes I ever met he was the worst. Sniffing round andgrowling all the time. Well, this evening he comes up to Jerry just ashe's going to sit down, and starts to growl. Old Pa Tuxton looks overhis glasses and licks his tongue. "Rover! Rover!" he says, kind ofmild. "Naughty Rover; he don't like strangers, I'm afraid." Jerry looksat Pa Tuxton, and he looks at the dog, and I'm just expecting him tosay "No" or "Yes", same as the other night, when he lets out a nastylaugh--one of them bitter laughs. "Ho!" he says. "Ho! don't he? Thenperhaps he'd better get further away from them." And he ups with hisboot and--well, the dog hit the far wall.
'Jerry sits down and pulls up his chair. "I don't approve," he says,fierce, "of folks keeping great, fat, ugly, bad-tempered yellow dogsthat are a nuisance to all. I don't like it."
'There was a silence you could have scooped out with a spoon. Have youever had a rabbit turn round on you and growl? That's how we all feltwhen Jerry outs with them crisp words. They took our breath away.
'While we were getting it back again the parrot, which was in its cage,let out a squawk. Honest, I jumped a foot in my chair.
'Jerry gets up very deliberate, and walks over to the parrot. "Isthis a menagerie?" he says. "Can't a man have supper in peace withoutan image like you starting to holler? Go to sleep."
'We was all staring at him surprised, especially Uncle Dick Tuxton,whose particular pet the parrot was. He'd brought him home all the wayfrom some foreign parts.
'"Hello, Billy!" says the bird, shrugging his shoulders and puffinghimself up. "R-r-r-r! R-r-r-r! 'lo, Billy! 'lo, 'lo, 'lo! R-r WAH!"
'Jerry gives its cage a bang.
'"Don't talk back at me," he says, "or I'll knock your head off. Youthink because you've got a green tail you're someone." And he stalksback to his chair and sits glaring at Uncle Dick.
'Well, all this wasn't what you might call promoting an easy flow ofconversation. Everyone's looking at Jerry, 'specially me, wonderingwhat next, and trying to get their breath, and Jerry's frowning at thecold beef, and there's a sort of awkward pause. Miss Jane is the firstto get busy. She bustles about and gets the food served out, and webegins to eat. But still there's not so much conversation that you'dnotice it. This goes on till we reaches the concluding stages, and thenUncle Dick comes up to the sc
ratch.
'"How is the fowls, Mr Moore?" he says.
'"Gimme some more pie," says Jerry. "What?"
'Uncle Dick repeats his remark.
'"Fowls?" says Jerry. "What do you know about fowls? Your notion of afowl is an ugly bird with a green tail, a Wellington nose, and--gimme abit of cheese."
'Uncle Dick's fond of the parrot, so he speaks up for him. "Polly'salways been reckoned a handsome bird," he says.
'"He wants stuffing," says Jerry.
'And Uncle Dick drops out of the talk.
'Up comes big brother, Ralph his name was. He's the bank-clerk and adude. He gives his cuffs a flick, and starts in to make things jollyall round by telling a story about a man he knows named Wotherspoon.Jerry fixes him with his eye, and, half-way through, interrupts.
'"That waistcoat of yours is fierce," he says.
'"Pardon?" says Ralph.
'"That waistcoat of yours," says Jerry. "It hurts me eyes. It's like anelectric sign."
'"Why, Jerry," I says, but he just scowls at me and I stops.
'Ralph is proud of his clothes, and he isn't going to stand this. Heglares at Jerry and Jerry glares at him.
'"Who do you think you are?" says Ralph, breathing hard.
'"Button up your coat," says Jerry.
'"Look 'ere!" says Ralph.
'"Cover it up, I tell you," says Jerry. "Do you want to blind me?" PaTuxton interrupts.
'"Why, Mr Moore," he begins, sort of soothing; when the small brother,who's been staring at Jerry, chips in. I told you he was cheeky.
'He says, "Pa, what a funny nose Mr Moore's got!"
'And that did it. Jerry rises, very slow, and leans across the tableand clips the kid brother one side of the ear-'ole. And then there's ageneral imbroglio, everyone standing up and the kid hollering and thedog barking.
'"If you'd brought him up better," says Jerry, severe, to Pa Tuxton,"this wouldn't ever have happened."
Pa Tuxton gives a sort of howl.
'"Mr Moore," he yells, "what is the meaning of this extraordinarybehaviour? You come here and strike me child--"
'Jerry bangs on the table.
'"Yes," he says, "and I'd strike him again. Listen to me," he says. "Youthink just because I'm quiet I ain't got no spirit. You think all I cando is to sit and smile. You think--Bah! You aren't on to the hiddendepths in me character. I'm one of them still waters that runs deep.I'm--Here, you get out of it! Yes, all of you! Except Jane. Jane and mewants this room to have a private talk in. I've got a lot of things tosay to Jane. Are you going?"
'I turns to the crowd. I was awful disturbed. "You mustn't take anynotice," I says. "He ain't well. He ain't himself." When just then theparrot cuts with another of them squawks. Jerry jumps at it.
'"You first," he says, and flings the cage out of the window. "Nowyou," he says to the yellow dog, putting him out through the door. Andthen he folds his arms and scowls at us, and we all notice suddenlythat he's very big. We look at one another, and we begins to edgetowards the door. All except Jane, who's staring at Jerry as if he's aghost.
'"Mr Moore," says Pa Tuxton, dignified, "we'll leave you. You'redrunk."
'"I'm not drunk," says Jerry. "I'm in love."
'"Jane," says Pa Tuxton, "come with me, and leave this ruffian tohimself."
'"Jane," says Jerry, "stop here, and come and lay your head on myshoulder."
'"Jane," says Pa Tuxton, "do you hear me?"
'"Jane," says Jerry, "I'm waiting."
'She looks from one to the other for a spell, and then she moves towhere Jerry's standing.
'"I'll stop," she says, sort of quiet.
'And we drifts out.'
The waiter snorted.
'I got back home quick as I could,' he said, 'and relates theproceedings to Gentleman. Gentleman's rattled. "I don't believe it," hesays. "Don't stand there and tell me Jerry Moore did them things. Why,it ain't in the man. 'Specially after what I said to him about the wayhe ought to behave. How could he have done so?" Just then in comesJerry, beaming all over. "Boys," he shouts, "congratulate me. It's allright. We've fixed it up. She says she hadn't known me properly before.She says she'd always reckoned me a sheep, while all the time I was oneof them strong, silent men." He turns to Gentleman--'
The man at the other end of the room was calling for his bill.
'All right, all right,' said the waiter. 'Coming! He turns toGentleman,' he went on rapidly, 'and he says, "Bailey, I owe it all toyou, because if you hadn't told me to insult her folks--"'
He leaned on the traveller's table and fixed him with an eye thatpleaded for sympathy.
''Ow about that?' he said. 'Isn't that crisp? "Insult her folks!" Themwas his very words. "Insult her folks."'
The traveller looked at him inquiringly.
'Can you beat it?' said the waiter.
'I don't know what you are saying,' said the traveller. 'If it isimportant, write it on a slip of paper. I am stone-deaf.'
The Man Upstairs and Other Stories Page 5