by Daniel Kraus
My Wiener
My wieners all right. The lookout boys near 10th and Dawson saw it last summer after this fool Cabin Boy tricked me into dropping my drawers at the honeys across the way. We were all gonna do it, least thats what Cabin Boy said, but when we got to the count a three no robocops dropped their drawers except me. Then Cabin Boy hopped around and laughed and pointed. I tried to play it like a pimp but he kept saying how my wiener was the size of a peanut. Dang! You cant throw shade on Jody like that! If Cabin Boy didnt have a hundred pounds on me plus that strap in his belt I woulda gone ape on that bitch! Instead I ended up all worried. What if one day Dag decides to hit it with me like Robbie hit it with Little Lamb and Dag finds out I got a peanut dick? So I went down to Pop Nates and got me a bag of shell peanuts and measured it out by the dumpster. And my junk was three times as big, yo! Still small next to Cabin Boy probably, but look, man, Im young. I havent had my growth spurt yet. You best watch your ass cuz one a these days my wiener will be living large and robocops will stop picking on me and girlies will be nice to me and finally everything will be all right.
Gwendolyn
Halfway to Walgreen Deformos way out a sight and we run across Gwendolyn. Shes the illest dog alive. She has this tangle ass, muddy ass fur that hangs from her belly and a crooked tail and usually shes limping with a hurt paw. Bitchs eyes are more pink and gooey than mine. This dog loves Dag cuz Dag feeds it. Every time we find the yucky mutt Dag pulls out some baggie full a Better Cheddars or Triscuits. Dags the one that gave it its dumb name too. Gwendolyn? For real? Id a called it Dracula cuz that bitchs been around forever and is still kicking.
* * *
The tragic fact is Gwendolyn never lets Dag close enough to pet it. Us three are in this junked out lot that used to be a grocery and Gwendolyns hiding between a broke Big Wheel and a busted drum from like a drum kit. Dag whips out a bag a Nacho Cheese Pretzel Combos. Right away I start bugging. Combos? You serious? I woulda ate the crap outta those Combos! Combos are ideal for breakfast cuz it has pretzel, which is mostly the same as toast, and also cheese. Cheese is straight up health food.
* * *
But Dags not thinking about me. She steps real quiet and pours the bag out by the manhole. Then she backs up till Gwendolyn drags her ass out and gives it a sniff. Of course the dog decides to eat my Combos but she keeps her red eyes on Dag the whole while like shorty might shank her. The whole things dumb. Dags about to cry with emotion and Midgets holding on to my leg super tight cuz she takes after whatever Dag do. Its like all a us are watching the miracle of life or some sharkweek when all any a us are doing is watching a scabby ass mongrel snarf up my dang breakfast.
* * *
Gwendolyns busy licking the cement so Dag takes a big breath and edges close like always. Look, Ill be straight with you. Mostly I want that dog to chill. Dags been trying to pet that bitch two years now and if she really wants to put her hands on some filthy ass fur thats her personal business. Same time, though, the look on Dags face, it bothers me, yo. It does. She looks like shes in love with the stupid animal. It probably has a billion fleas and diseases. Dags got a few problems like sister Lotte being in a nuthouse but shes from Pinebluff Glenn Estates and should know better. Its like with Deformo. Even if Dag dont care about herself one bit, Midget needs protecting. Midgets a small ass child that already gets sick all the time and medicine is mad expensive, just ask Moms.
* * *
The whole situation gets me feeling a itch so I end up busting out my eight point shuriken. I wipe away my infected eye crust so I can see good and get my stance proper so I can throw real accurate and Dag gasps like Ive gone insane. Right before I throw she does like a girl and goes
* * *
For real, all I meant to do was scare it. But Dags pissed. She starts railing about how you dont throw lethal ninja objects at innocent animals and what was I thinking and am I some kinda sicko. Its too early in the dang day to get yelled at by someone thats not Robbie! So I stand tough and ask if she wants Midget to acquire rabies and have to go get needles in her stomach to get unrabied cuz thats how they do it. Dag looks like shes gonna punch me in the mouth.
* * *
She goes
* * *
When a ho starts crowding Jody, thats when a ho needs to get owned! Now dont get me wrong. Girlfriend is right. Girlfriend knows shes right. But that doesnt matter when youre talking about pride.
* * *
So shes hollering in my grill and the itch in my head is getting itchier and the situations about to go to the next level and thats when Midget starts tugging my finger. Dang! Dang! I pull it back real quick. But Midge is just trying to give me back my eight point shuriken she rescued off the pavement. Thats some real sweet generous behavior.
* * *
I wipe my infection finger on my jean jacket and go
Dearest Lotte,
How are you? I would like to respond to your many queries. Firstly, Morrissey, Johnny, Andy, and Mike the fish are fine! I detect you are distraught about them but please don’t be. They are darting around their spic-and-span fish bowl, happily gobbling the fish food I sprinkle them, and seem happy. Wait, can fish be happy, ha ha ha? In one of your letters, you said the Clinic was a fish bowl for humans. Excellent metaphor, Lotte! If that’s still true, consider adopting the upbeat attitudes of Morrissey, Johnny, Andy, and Mike, ha ha ha.
Let me progress through your other questions speedily. Here we go! Yes, I did get Mr. Cartwright for Home Room, and I see what you mean, but he’s been nice to me so far. No, sigh, I’m not even wearing a training bra. It’s just a padded sports bra, which doesn’t even have letters and numbers. Just Large, Medium, and Small, and Microscopic special made for me, ha ha ha. No, I have not seen “Deadgirl,” “Antichrist,” or “Martyrs,” but I know where you keep your Blu-Rays and I’ll check them out! Yes, Papa still keeps the stock market channel on all day, barfffff. Yes, Mama’s still considering a maid, but I think that’s unlikely since the Clinic is costing so much money.
Lotte, you wrote so many questions! It makes me laugh because when you lived here you never asked questions at all. Therefore I hate to say this, but can I answer the rest later? If I answer them all now, I’ll run out of purple ink, and you know how I love my purple ink.
You may not realize it, but I just got all your letters dumped on me at once. Is this sisterly correspondence or a novel?! That’s six months of letters—and I read them all. Mama collected them in a shoebox (for one of her mile-long high heels of course). Don’t be mad, OK? Mama explained they didn’t want your letters distracting me from schoolwork and extra-curriculars. Now, I admit I did wonder why you weren’t writing and I was getting a little upset. But everything is splendiferous now! Well, you’re still in the Clinic, but besides that, ha ha ha.
I should probably be what Papa calls a “straight shooter” and tell you that Mama and Papa are reading this letter. (Hi Mama and Papa.) That’s OK with me, and I hope it’s OK with you. I for one don’t have any deep dark secrets to share. Unless you count the thrilling news about my sports bra, ha ha ha.
Mama said I can write you for your birthday (June 6) and Christmas. These limits are to help me focus on schoolwork and extra-curriculars. It sounds sad, I know, but I think it’s working. Every time I get down in the dumps about you being all alone in the Clinic, boop! It’s time to go to an extracurricular! I h
ave so many new ones. Let’s see, there’s Coding Club, Junior Robotics, High Voltage Dance Troupe, Future Problem Solvers, Lincoln-Douglas Debate Squad…and that’s just some of them! Anyway, I hope you’ll be home before Christmas so I won’t have to write you a letter ever again, j/k, ha ha ha.
(How are you enjoying the letter, Mama and Papa? Are you impressed I haven’t talked Lotte into doing something crazy like take the doctors and nurses hostage and make them perform Swan Lake in their underwear? Lotte, remember when Papa took us to see Swan Lake? Ugh, I can’t stand how pretty the dancers were. That’s not the kind of dancing we do in the High Voltage Dance Troupe, I can tell you that!)
Hmm, what else is going on? Things are status quo at good old Pinebluff Glenn Estates. You remember when we moved into “The Glenn” and it was about twenty houses? There must be two hundred now. I must apologetically report that the bulldozer noise, which you loved to block out with your headphones, is still an issue. At least it’s farther away now. The bulldozers look like little yellow bugs eating up the neighborhood to the south. Remember it? The roads all have color-based names, like Red Street and Blue Street, which I thought was pretty until Mama said it was because no one cared enough to think of real street names.
To be a straight shooter, I know you remember it. That’s where you got into some of your trouble. We don’t have to talk about that, Lotte. I bet you talk about it with your therapists until you’re blue in the face. At night when I’m snuggled in with Clara Bear McGrumpy, I dream of walking over to that neighborhood to find out exactly what you did, except I don’t walk there, I zoom like an insect. (Have no fear, Mama and Papa, I won’t actually do it.)
Please don’t interpret that as me asking to know the nature of your troubles. If you told me, Mama and Papa would only intercept it anyway. I only know one detail about your troubles, but it’s a detail I know very, very, very well. When I think back on finding you, I don’t remember dialing 911 or trying to get you to throw up. All I remember feeling is like I was the one about to die. I could barely move my limbs. I think it was because I was so sad. For so long I thought you were angry at us for moving to The Glenn. But it turns out you weren’t angry at all! You were lonely and scared!
Even though it’s a prudent choice not to let me visit the Clinic (hi Mama and Papa), I do wish I had Spider-Man abilities and could scale the walls and crawl into your bed like olden days, and snuggle you like Clara Bear McGrumpy. Would you even like that? Are you still not into touching people? Are you different now? Look, now I’m the one asking all the questions, ha ha ha.
I think I’m becoming different too.
I’m sorry this letter isn’t cheerier. I’m sorry it’s written on spiral notebook paper, which probably reminds you of Our Lady of Heavenly Blessing. Next time I’ll buy some decorative stationery. You said the Clinic is a beigepocalypse, and I know that was a joke, but it’s also the saddest detail I’ve heard so far. I never agreed with Mama (sorry, Mama) that your room here is too black. There’s a ton of red too if you look! Red lipstick, red nail polish, red curtains, red headphones, red skull decals, red posters, red bras, a red lightbulb in your lamp, and let’s not forget one of your fish is red, though I don’t know if it’s Morrissey, Johnny, Andy, or Mike, ha ha ha.
Well, I better wrap it up, it’s time for piano lessons. Thrilling, huh? I know you can be as stubborn as a mule, but listen to your doctors, try to make friends, and choke down as much beige food as possible, ha ha ha. Mama and Papa miss you even if they don’t say it much. What they do say all the time is how much the Clinic costs, and that’s why I’m at PS 220 now instead of Our Lady of Heavenly Blessing. Surprise! Don’t worry about me, I’ve already made pals with a kid named Jody. I think you’d like him. He sees things differently than most people, just like you.
Your little sister who misses you,
Dagmar
P.S. Oh, I almost forgot! Mama told me to say that suicide is never the answer, you can always talk to a trusted adult, there are free hotlines to call with trained counselors, you’re just depressed, some people have it much worse than you, and if you succeeded think of what it would do to your family.
Midget
Dag and me must be feeling charitable to Midget cuz the rest a the walk we include her in our conversation, real interesting stuff like do peoples heads pop off when they get hanged and whats up with yeast infections and how its possible from like a science perspective for Aragorn to surf down the bones of the Dead Men of Dunharrow. We go like
* * *
Midget doesnt do squat unless her bug friends say its all right. Makes life challenging around the homefront, Ill tell you what. If I want her to take out a trash bag I got to wait for her to catch a fly first and have a whole long discussion about it. By then the trash is dripping all over! One time Midge cupped her hand by her ear to hear fly secrets and that fly zoomed right up inside. Moms about crapped her drawers. She started thumping Midges skull to knock the fly out and when that didnt work she poked a chopstick in there. Finally she dragged Midge to a doc in the box and Moms was crying all hysterical and I was like
* * *
The doc though just flushes the fly out with oil. Yo, the craziest part? Midge was happy as hell with that bug in her brain. She was grinning like it was Christmas, nodding real interested like the fly was giving her important knowledge. But when it flushed out all oily and dead Midge worked herself up like I never saw. Moms was afraid to even touch her emotional ass. And that was back when Moms still acted mostly normal and didnt spend all day talking to the TV.
* * *
A few months after we got Midget I was bored as hell and I told myself, Jody, its time to solve The Mystery of Midget. So I went all 007 and strapped on the goggles I found in Robbies yard and put on my high class Isotoner gloves I discovered in the weeds and took off my snowboots for super stealth and then I creeped across our crib. The carpets always nasty with tater chips but 007 never complains. I snaked my ass over to Midgets room and listened to her whisper to her bugs for like half a day and the only word I comprehended was
* * *
So check this. About a year back Dag thefted some bags from Taco Bell and we were on the monkey bars at 15th and Clinton killing those bags dead and she starts in with her gordita grease mouth about how Moms told her a story about Midge. Even though Dags from Pinebluff Glenn Estates she comes to the hood sometimes and her and Moms are friendly and discuss things private. It never bothered me cuz I figured it was about maxi pads or babies or how come her jugs are so small. Turns out it was confidential stuff Moms didnt even tell her dang son! I started chucking taco supremes and cheesy fiesta potatoes far as I could cuz that raged me up.
* * *
What Dag learned is Moms isnt the first foster mom to get Midget. One lady that took Midget also took this child DAndre and when I heard that I thought
&nbs
p; * * *
I heard a lot of wack junk before but dang. Foster lady must a been in worse shape than Moms if she didnt notice her new foster boy had a cement cast out of nowhere. Either that or she didnt care. Few days in, DAndres arm went ripe. Children couldnt even sleep cuz a the stink. Plus DAndre was screaming like a bitch how they had to get that cement off him so finally the kids found a hammer and cracked off a chunk and a big chunk a DAndres rotted ass arm came off with it. Now all of them were screaming.
* * *
But heres the most important detail. There were like a hundred flies under there. They cracked off that cement and flies exploded all over. Maggots were present too. Maggots are baby flies in case you arent an expert on insects. Look, Im no 007, not for real, but Im just saying there could be a connection between Midges current ways and all this traumatic garbage from her screwed up history.
Walgreen
This one raw old black dude is the Walgreener we hate most and of course hes working the register. Dag and me call him Dick Trickle cuz one time Dag saw that name in the Walgreen newspaper rack. Dick Trickles bony like hes whittled from a stick and he has a bunch a old ass ties and thick ass glasses and a balding ass old man fro. Hes mean as a wasp. The cashier we were hoping for is this white bitch with bionic arm canes thats blind as hell. Usually I ask a complicated question about the products they stack up front like the Slanket or the Lint Lizard or the Ahh Bra and meantime Dag sneaks around and loads up on cigs. But you cant steal nothing off Dick Trickle. Robocop boxes you out like hes Dwight Howard.