I draw a big breath and start at the beginning. I confess to going to an out-of-town bar with sex on the brain. I tell the girls all about my encounter with the Aquaman wannabe and how I ended up calling Walker to save me once I realized that I was way in over my head.
When I get to the part about Walker carrying me into my bedroom, Jessa leans toward me, looking like a Disney Princess with her dark flowing hair and her big brown eyes twinkling eagerly for the rest of the story. "So, he stomps into your bedroom, flings you onto the bed, and what next? Please tell me he spent the next three hours ravishing you mercilessly and fulfilling the farmer fetish fantasies of women the world over."
"I wish." I mutter from behind my coffee cup.
My friends exchange cock-browed glances. Usually, I'd deny my feelings for Walker. Today, I'm just too tired and too upset to put up a front.
Trying to deny it is pointless. Walker Kingston is my emotional camel toe. My infatuation with him is humiliating. I try to hide it, but everyone can see it on me the minute he walks into the room.
I pull off my hat. I slap it down onto the table in front of me. "Guys, he rejected me. He flat-out rejected me."
"What do you mean?" Lexi asks.
This is so cringeworthy, it's painful to talk about. “I threw myself at him,” I admit. “I begged him to stay. Just to hang out. Like we've done a million times before. He took one look at the mess I was and he said ‘no’. Straight-up 'no'. Zero explanation.” I'm hit with a flashback of his wide shoulders and his powerful stride as he marched out of my bedroom last night. I drop my forehead to the tabletop in front of me.
Jessa pipes up confidently. “Y'know what I think? I think he was afraid to be alone with you. That man wants you. And he's probably terrified of the feeling. He just doesn't know what to do with it.”
My heart gives a hopeful patter at that idea. Sassy as ever, Lexi is quick to shut it down. "He doesn't know what to do with it? He's a guy. She's a girl. There was a bed. I think it's pretty obvious what he was supposed to do with it."
Jessa shakes her head at her older sister, holding onto her insistent grin as she twirls her lollipop between her fingers. “He was probably being a gentleman. I’d bet you half my paycheck that he was trying his best not to take advantage of Penn in her drunken state.” Jessa is the youngest of my friends. Young and naive. A total sucker for fairytales and happy-ever-after endings. Sometimes, it puts her out of touch with reality.
My cousin gives me a cautious look. I can tell she doesn’t want me getting my hopes up. “Hold onto your paycheck, Jess. Walker has had his whole life to make a move on Penny. I’m pretty sure if he wanted to do it, he would have done it already.”
Even though her words perfectly mirror my thoughts, it turns my stomach hearing it from someone else.
“Well, how else do you explain him running out on her?” Jessa demands, and the girls continue their discussion of my love life as if I’m not sitting right there.
I toss my empty cup into a nearby garbage bin and flop back in my seat. "I interrupted him on a date with another woman,” I tell them. “He was probably just in a rush to get back to her, whoever she was.”
“He left his date to come save you?” Lexi arches a brow.
“Yes.”
“And then he went back to the woman?” she questions.
“I guess so.”
Lexi groans, giving up on trying to decipher the situation. “He makes no sense. The man is a puzzle. And he’s always so moody.” She grabs a cookie and takes a messy bite.
As baffled as I am by Walker’s behavior, I have an overwhelming need to defend my best friend’s honor. "God—I hate when people say that. Everyone is always so hard on Walker. They don’t know him like I do. He’s not moody. He’s just misunderstood." And my stupid heart knows how to love him in every single one of his moon phases.
“You have nothing to worry about,” Jessa presses. “You two are going to end up together. Just watch. I’ve got an eye for these things.” She's such a hopeless romantic. It’s borderline nauseating how positive she is. Makes me wonder what had to happen to a person in their childhood to make them so damn optimistic.
Regardless of what she says, deep down, I know the truth. Walker's not into me. He’s already made that clear. I just selectively choose to forget that on nights when I’m feeling particularly desperate. Nights like last night.
My best friend may be indifferent to me but I sure as hell am not indifferent to him. The man makes me feel everything. Lust. Annoyance. Frustration. Self-doubt. Compassion. Anxiety.
Love.
I love him.
It's the kind of love that haunts you. That invades every cell of your being.
The kind of love that sets your soul on fire.
Walker Kingston is in my blood. My feelings for him are a disease. There's no cure. I gave up a long time ago on getting over the way I feel about him.
So, I live with it.
Silently, I struggle every day to manage it, doing my best to keep it under control. Meanwhile, he holds me at arm's length. As if he subconsciously fears that this 'thing' I've got—this love burrowed into my brain, into my bones—might be contagious.
I may never get over him, but I should really do more to keep my distance. He shouldn’t be the first person I call when I’m in trouble. Because all it does is cause me more pain.
And in any case, it's time for me to take the reins of my life. It’s time to set ‘The Dreaded Plan B’ into motion.
“I’m going to have a baby,” I blurt out.
Iris falls off her chair. Jessa’s lollipop drops from her mouth.
“Come again,” Lexi deadpans.
I stand, letting myself pace the cracked floor tiles. I’ve been thinking about this for months. I've started saving for the procedure. Still, I’ve been too scared to pull the trigger. But now I’m ready.
It’s clear that no man will ever replace Walker, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t go after what I want in life just because I can’t have him.
“I’m thirty-three, and I’m ready to start a family,” I say conclusively. “I don’t need a man for that. I’m ready to get a sperm donor and have a baby on my own.”
“You’re going to be a…single mom?” I can tell Iris is picking her words carefully. I see the subtle horror in her expression.
The two of us grew up in the same household. My mother thrust me into her sister’s home and ditched me to pursue her dream of being a high-profile attorney. Aunt Lucille did her best to parent Iris and me without the support of a partner all while running her hair salon but a lot of the time, our household was pure chaos.
I’ve seen what being a single mother looks like, I know it’s not always pretty. But I want this. And I know I have what it takes to be an amazing mom. Even if there’s no father in the picture.
Lexi caresses her belly protectively. “Are you sure you’re ready to do this on your own? I have Cannon at my beck and call and sometimes, this pregnancy is still the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced.”
“Yes. I’m definitely sure.” Pregnancy might be hard but it’s also beautiful, fulfilling, right?
“I adore kids but they're expensive,” Jessa adds. “It seems like Callie grows out of her whole wardrobe every few weeks. It’s ridiculous.” Jessa was recently hired as a nanny for Walker’s five-year-old niece to gain more experience with children until she can land a kindergarten teacher job. “Raising a child will cost a ton. How will you afford it?”
It’s a fair question, I guess. Everyone knows I don’t make a killing as a bartender, even with my recent promotion to manager of the Frosty Pitcher.
“I know the costs. I’ve done all the research.” I stop pacing. “I’ve been thinking...maybe I could start putting my degree to use. Maybe I could hop into interior design.”
An excited squee bursts from Lexi, mixing with Jessa’s chirps of encouragement. I see a glimmer of something in Iris’s face but she’s warily holding onto her
reservations. She's always the cautious one.
“Don’t look at me like I’m crazy,” I address my cousin. “I’ve put a lot of thought into this. I can build up my business as a side gig until the baby comes, and by that time, I’ll be able to quit bartending and have enough clients to focus on interior design full time,” I explain, if only to put my cousin at ease.
My friends nod slowly around the table, finding no holes in my well-thought out plan. I feel good about my decision. I feel good about having a clear direction in my life.
Last night, I was pathetic, needy, desperate. That's not me. Or at least, that's not who I want to be. I am a strong, confident, take-charge woman. I stand on my own two feet. And I will single-parent the fuck out of this baby.
Iris is the first one to break the tension. My little cousin rises and throws her arms around me and pulls me into a hug. “Fine. Fine. You’re having a baby.” She laughs excitedly.
“We are having a baby,” Jessa corrects Iris as she and Lexi pile onto the hug. And then, we’re all laughing together and my friends are promising to be there for me, through every step of this crazy adventure.
And all the while, there’s this pang in the pit of my gut, this tiny corner of my soul wishing things could be different. For Walker and me. But it’s time to let go.
All my life, I've been in love with my best friend. All my life, I've waited for him to notice. I'm done waiting. I'm moving on with my life. I’m having a baby.
5
Walker
Rainwater dripping into my eyes, I use the toe of my boot to nudge open the back door of my parents’ guesthouse, just up the path from my farm. Laughter and music pour out to greet me.
“There you are!” My mother sings happily, her sky blue eyes twinkling at the sight of me. She wipes her hands on her apron and eases the overflowing basket of vibrant organic cucumbers, spinach and tomatoes from my arms. “Give me a minute to whip up this salad, then we can eat."
I tear off my wet jacket and cowboy hat, and hang them on the hook by the door. "Sounds good, Ma."
I make my way through the kitchen, where Dad is stealing freshly-baked rolls behind Ma’s back. He startles when I clap him on the shoulder and I chuckle to myself. The guy thinks he’s sneaky but as usual, Mom catches him and swats at him with a kitchen towel. Laughing, he placates her by coming up behind her and kissing her on the cheek. She melts and her face turns pink.
No one will ever love Ma like he does, that’s for certain. Even after all these years, even after all the drama life has flung their way, they’re still nauseatingly in love.
In the dining room, I find my brothers surrounded by their women, waiting for the family dinner to be served. Cannon has Lexi all tied up in his arms, dancing out of tune to a slow old-time blues song. As usual, my brother is being a handsy, love-drunk fool. Jude’s here too, and his lap is full of Iris as they laugh and snuggle at the dining table.
I’m not jealous. I’m happy for my younger brothers. I just can’t help but feeling like a fifth wheel here.
The Kingstons are a tight-knit crew. But I've always felt like an outsider in my own family. It's not that my parents treat me any differently or that my brothers give me any less shit than they give each other. It's just this knowing I've always had deep inside of me, this knowing that I'm the odd one out. And being the only single adult at dinner here tonight sharply highlights this feeling of isolation.
We sit down to eat a few minutes later. My five-year-old niece is going around the table, setting out the cutlery. “I’m going to sit next to you, Uncle Walker,” she announces confidently, staking a claim on the place beside me.
See, I'm her fave uncle. I always knew I liked that kid. I smirk at Jude and Cannon.
Callie is my brother, Eli’s, daughter. He committed a heap of fraud-related crimes that landed his scheming ass in jail. His so-called wife chose that precise moment to skip town and leave their kid behind. I can't decide which of them disgusts me more. Thank god my parents stepped in to take care of their little girl.
The child plops down next to me at the table and gives me a face-wide grin as she explains her motives. “Because you don’t have a sweetheart.”
“A sweetheart?” I question, as I ruffle her cute little head. Damn though. The things that come out of the mouth of a five-year-old. “What do you know about sweethearts?” She may be cute, but she’s a feisty one.
She proceeds to break it down for me. “Papa’s sweetheart is Nana. And Uncle Cannon has a sweetheart. And Uncle Jude now, too. You’re the only one with nobody.”
What the hell? I shoot a look at my parents who both shrug innocently. What the hell are they teaching this girl?
If I had any doubts about whether my family considers me pathetic, the answer is pretty clear right about now. The only people present who aren’t part of a couple are me and the five-year-old. So, yeah. Maybe I’m feeling a tiny bit jealous and bitter.
“Thanks, kiddo,” I mumble.
“I blame it on the plaid,” Jude pipes up, pointing his teacup at my shirt. “You’re an okay-looking guy but the flannel isn't exactly a pussy magnet.” He laughs at his own joke.
With a chortle, Cannon leans across the table to high-five him.
Assholes.
“Language,” Dad snaps at Jude before I can spit out a kid-friendly retort.
Iris suppresses her own laughter, reaching over to slam her hand over her idiot boyfriend's mouth. Lexi covers her laugh behind a forkful of steamed broccoli.
My mother spoons a serving of mashed potatoes onto Dad's plate. “Walker, why didn't you invite Penny to dinner?”
"I don't think Penny's available tonight, Ma," I grumble as I reach for a piece of fried chicken with the tongs.
Lexi sits straighter in her seat. "Oh, Penny's available tonight."
"Totally available," Iris confirms.
I glare at them. Traitors. Quick to throw me under the bus.
I can feel Mom's eyes boring into my skull. "Next time?" She suggests. She tries to speak in a neutral voice but I hear a lilt of hopefulness in her tone. Before I can argue, she rushes in to clarify. “I’m not trying to be pushy or anything. I just know that you and Penny are friends. That’s why I made the suggestion.”
I can feel Lexi and Iris's attention fixed intently on me as they wait for my response.
Good grief.
I love my mother's cooking but hell, tonight, she's tossed me onto the grill. I think next time I'll stay at my cabin, make myself a ham sandwich and skip on family dinner.
I shake my head, busying myself with my heaping plate. “I know you have good intentions, Ma, but I don’t need your intervention here.”
Look—I don’t mean to be curt with my mother, but I spent the whole afternoon on the phone arguing with equipment dealers, trying to find a reasonable deal on some new eco-friendly tractors that function reliably without slowly poisoning the planet with pollution. Having all that on my plate, the last thing I want is to be arguing with my family, too.
Ma mimics zipping her lips closed and throwing away her imaginary key. The conversation moves on. Cannon launches into a discussion about Jude's long road to recovery following the back-to-back knee injuries that nearly ended his professional football career. Then, they start talking about some reality series they're all bingeing on Netflix. Soon, everyone forgets me and my single nature. But I do feel both my sisters-in-law eyeing me more than once. I’m not sure what their deal is, but it makes me wonder if Penny gave them her version of last night's events.
The tiresome dinner ends eventually. My parents go off to put Callie to bed, leaving the rest of us to handle kitchen clean-up. It takes longer than absolutely necessary since the girls are so busy taking selfies and playing with their phones. Plus, Lexi has to run off and use the bathroom every thirty seconds.
In any case, when the table is cleared and the last of the dishes are in the dishwasher, my brothers and their women invite me to the family room to watch the next
episode of their Netflix reality show.
I decline. I'm exhausted from being the odd man out. I’ve had my fill of uncomfortable situations tonight. I just want to get back to my damn house and kick back on my couch with a beer. The girls make a few attempts to convince me to hang out but give up soon enough.
The happy couples wander off toward the TV in the family room and I hang around in the kitchen for a bit, picking at the leftovers, with nothing but thoughts of my best friend to keep me company.
Dammit. I wish I could stop thinking about last night. I hated walking away from her. I hated leaving her alone in her bed when all I wanted was to climb beneath the sheets with her.
I hated trying to fight my attraction toward her. Christ. It about killed me. Even when she’s drunk, she’s adorable. Beautiful. Perfect.
It’s pathetic. I know. Pining away after one girl my whole life…I should probably take another shot at getting over her.
The only thing more tragic than spending the rest of my life not being Penny’s lover would be taking a chance with her, screwing up somehow and losing her friendship completely. So loving her at arm’s length is crisis management, actively choosing the lesser of two evils instead of letting fate make the choice for me.
Pushing my inner dialogue aside I head off toward the family room to say good night. Just as I'm about to pop my head in, I hear a phone ding. Iris answers. It sounds like Penny's voice pouring in through the speakers.
Cold bumps sprout up on my arms and an iron fist squeezes my gut.
The girls haven’t seen me yet, and I let my footsteps falter, keeping me just outside the doorway. Through the crack in the door, I see Lexi lower onto the arm of the loveseat where Iris is sitting. They crowd around the phone screen. I know I should leave but now my heels are glued to the goddamn floor.
Mister Baby Daddy (Bad Boys in Love Book 3) Page 4