by River Ramsey
“I scared you,” he murmurs. “You thought I was going to bite.”
I swallow hard, realizing that if I tell him the truth, I’ll unveil my own shame. That I did think he was going to bite me, but fear was the last thing on my mind. “No. I… I know you wouldn’t.”
“Do you?” he murmurs. “I wanted to.”
“I know,” I say softly, stroking his cheek. He seems surprised at the tender gesture, but there’s nothing I want more than to reassure him. “It’s okay.”
“It is?” he asks doubtfully.
“I know what you are. You don’t have to pretend to be something else.” I hesitate. “Tonight has been nice. Let’s not let this ruin it.”
He nods, putting his arm back around me as I nestle in at his side once more. I close my eyes, content to enjoy just sitting with him, even if I stopped following the movie a long time ago. I could get used to quiet nights like this. A kind of peace I never imagined was possible. As I drift off under his arm, I find myself wishing it didn’t have to end.
Chapter 12
I know I’m being childish by choosing Rowan next, but I figure it will pacify the masses and I’m not ready to have a heart-to-heart with Christopher. There’s so much I need to say to him, and I don’t even know where to begin. When Rowan shows up at the door below the clinic, holding a bouquet of flowers in his hand and smelling like fresh sap, I momentarily forget my coming confrontation with Christopher.
“Rowan… hi.”
He stares at me, then thrusts the flowers into my hands. “Here.”
My lips quiver. I’m pretty sure this is the first time Rowan has ever been on anything resembling a date. Every she-wolf in the pack flings herself at him, so it’s not like he needs to bother with the formality, but the fact that he’s trying is unexpectedly charming.
“Thank you,” I say, looking down at the bouquet. “They’re lovely. But I should probably put them in water before we leave.”
“Right,” he grunts, casting a displeased glance up at Mace’s building. “I’ll wait.”
I return inside to put the flowers in a vase and decide to leave them on my nightstand. I doubt Mace is the jealous type, or has any more interest in me than the purely practical, but you never know with alphas. It’s better if I don’t put them out in the open.
Rowan is waiting for me on the steps, offering his hand in a surprisingly chivalrous gesture to help me down. Maybe he’s not quite as brutish as his father. “Where are we going?” I ask.
“Not far with these assholes at every corner,” he mutters, looking up at the guard watching us from across the street. I can see the glint of his collar beneath his heavy denim jacket. This must be harder for Rowan than anyone. An alpha like him is used to doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants.
Truth be told, I’m surprised he hasn’t rebelled against Eternus already. “There’s a place the next street over. It’s not classy or anything, but we can get a private table.”
I’m surprised he wants to do something as conventional as going out to eat, but pleasantly so. I was afraid he’d want to go four-wheeling or something. “That sounds nice.”
He wasn’t kidding about it not being a classy joint, and I realize this only as we approach the bar no omega in her right mind would go near. It’s where the alphas and a few betas who can hang congregate to discuss all sorts of unsavory things and occasionally beat the shit out of each other, if the stories are any indication. Then again, I doubt I have anything to worry about on Rowan’s arm.
It’s quieter inside than I expected, and Rowan leads me straight to a table in the back. He’s right about it being private. Two partial walls separate the large booth from the rest of the restaurant. It’s the perfect place to plot a rebellion.
“You come here a lot?”
“Often enough,” he says, leaning his broad shoulders over the table. His forearms take up the full length of it. All alphas are big, but Rowan is in a whole other category. He looks like he could break most grown men in two without a whole lot of effort. Yet he’s gentler than I expected him to be. Maybe he’s just been in the Alpha Lord’s shadow for so long that I assumed the darkness was his own.
“There are no menus?” I ask, looking down at the empty table.
Rowan smirks. “This isn’t really that kind of place, but they can make whatever you like.”
As if on cue, a middle-aged woman—a beta, if my nose doesn’t deceive me—comes out, holding a note pad in one hand and chewing a wad of gum. She gives me a disappointed once-over but turns to honey and sugar when she looks at Rowan. “Hey, sweetie. What can I get ya?”
“I’ll have the usual, and whatever the lady wants.”
“Um… do you have cheeseburgers?” It seems like a safe bet in this kind of place.
The waitress snorts and scribbles something on her pad, which I assume means yes. “Two pints?”
Rowan’s answer is a grunt. I’ve gotta learn to speak the language, I guess. The waitress leaves us and a few minutes later, she sets two pints of beer in front of us that are bigger than my head.
Rowan laughs when he sees my moon-eyed stare. “You don’t drink?”
“Omegas aren’t allowed, remember?”
His father is the one who made that rule, so I hope I’m not rubbing anything raw by reminding him. He just snorts and takes a huge swig, leaning back against the booth. “The rules are a little fuzzy in this place. I won’t tell on ya.”
I reluctantly take a sip and the way my face screws up earns a huge guffaw from Rowan. “Glad I could amuse you,” I mutter, wiping the froth off my lips.
He just grins and beckons the waitress over. “Something a little lighter for my friend, Bette.”
A moment later, the waitress drops a glass of what looks like clear soda in front of me unceremoniously enough that a good quarter of it sloshes over the rim and onto the table. I sheepishly take a sip, relieved that there’s not a hint of alcohol. I always figured I’d be a lightweight.
“Your kind really are fragile, aren’t you?” Rowan scoffs.
“Isn’t that kind of the point?” I shoot back. “Alphas don’t like omegas who could drink them under the table.”
“Dunno who came up with that,” he snorts, taking another gulp of his beer.
I tilt my head, watching him curiously. I’m not really sure how I expected our date to go, but talking to me like a person wasn’t on the list. “So,” I say, growing serious. “How are you doing with all this?”
“Collar’s a bit itchy, but you get used to it after a while,” he answers.
I give him a look. “That’s not what I meant.” I hesitate. “I’m sorry for your loss. I never really got the chance to tell you that before.”
I’m not sorry Adam is dead, necessarily. It’s hard to see that as any loss to the pack, or the world in general, but I know what it’s like to lose a parent and Rowan isn’t enough of the hardened man I thought he was to be ambivalent about the grief he must be going through.
He grows uncharacteristically somber, gazing into what’s left of the amber glass in his hand. “You don’t need to worry about me. I’m not losing sleep over it.”
“How?” I ask before I can stop myself.
Rowan watches me, and to my relief, he doesn’t seem offended. “I’m not oblivious to what my father was. I know there are as many people in this pack who’re glad he’s dead as there are who grieve his loss.”
“Rowan…” I can’t argue, especially since I’m in the former camp, but I feel compelled to try.
He shrugs. “It is what it is. He was a cruel son of a bitch. Just because I’m his son doesn’t mean I’m blind to that.”
“You’re different,” I murmur. “I don’t know why I always assumed you were like him.”
“Probably because that’s what I want people to think.”
“Why?”
“You know what this pack is like. You know the expectations, and they’re not just on omegas. The Alpha Lord’s son? Everyone
expects you to be a certain way. To want certain things.”
“So what do you want?” I ask, surprised at just how much I care about the answer.
He doesn’t give it right away. The look of hesitation on his face makes me wonder if he ever will. “I don’t know,” he admits. “Not anymore.”
“That makes two of us,” I murmur.
Purpose suddenly lights his eyes. “I didn’t just bring you out to have a few beers and talk shit.”
“No?”
“I know you’re not going to choose me,” he begins in a tone far more serious than I would have thought him capable of. “Honestly, that’s probably a good thing.”
“What?” I ask, struggling to make sense of his words. “What do you mean?”
“Don’t get me wrong,” he says with a hint of the smug charm he’s so well known for. “I’d be more than happy to rock your world when you get tired of the angsty pretty boys and want to try a real alpha on for size. But if you choose me as your mate, the pack is going to rebel.”
I’m shocked that he’s this self-aware, let alone that he seems to think of rebellion as a negative. “Don’t you want that?”
“In a sense,” he mutters. “I just care too much about this pack to lead it into a suicide mission.”
“Your mother,” I say, thinking of the frail, timid woman who’s always lingered in the Alpha Lord’s shadow. “You’re protecting her, aren’t you?”
“That’s part of it. Neither of us were ever anything more than pawns to my father,” he replies, bitterness and pain in his voice where I once thought there was only room for brutality and ego. “She got the worst of it. If there’s actually a chance for her to live out the rest of her days in relative peace, I’m not gonna take that away from her.”
“I don’t know what to say…”
“Say you’ll go with Christopher. Or hell, even James,” he grumbles. “Anyone but that snake doctor.”
His words take me by surprise, especially with how close they echo my own feelings about Mace. “You don’t trust him either?”
“I saw what he did to your father firsthand,” he says. “My father was not an easy man to manipulate, and Mace played him like a fiddle.”
“So you know what really happened?” I ask hopefully. “Could you prove that he didn’t betray the pack?”
Rowan hesitates. “I don’t know. The evidence Mace presented was pretty solid.”
“What was it?” I ask, sitting on my trembling hands. This is the most anyone has ever spoken to me about the accusations that led to my father’s banishment. Rowan seems reluctant, so I know I have to press him. “I’ve lived with the consequences all these years, Rowan. I think I can handle the truth.”
“Alright,” he mutters, leaning in like he’s afraid someone is listening in this hole in the wall. “The short version is, Mace had proof that your father was conspiring with another Eternus pack to absorb Marok and get a foothold on the outlands.”
He’s not telling me anything I didn’t already assume, even if no one else would confirm it. Marok sits on the border that separates the scattered and brutal outlands packs from the cohesive system of the Eternus dynasty. We’ve been their number-one target for a decade now. It was only a matter of time, but the rough, mountainous terrain that protects us would require an insider’s knowledge to stage a successful assault.
“My father has been gone for years, and that didn’t stop them. Obviously the traitor is still among us.”
“Right,” Rowan says pointedly.
It takes me only a second to catch his drift. “You think it was Mace?”
“You don’t?”
I hesitate. I’m not sure what to think. “It’s been so long. Why would he do it now?”
“A couple of years isn’t that long for a man like Mace,” Rowan says knowingly. “My hunch is that your dad figured out what he was planning, and Mace rushed to flip the script on him. He probably put things off until now to make sure the heat was off him.”
Everything he’s saying makes sense, and it aligns with my own beliefs, but still. Thinking Mace would betray my father and thinking he would betray the pack itself are two different things.
“Think about it,” says Rowan. “Who do you think Eternus would want you to choose?”
“Mace,” I answer without a shred of doubt.
“Whenever your hand’s being forced, ask who benefits.”
“If you’re right and I don’t choose him, there could be consequences.”
“There’ll be consequences no matter what you choose. Just think about which ones you can live with.”
My heart is pounding, but I’ve barely had time to process this new information when Rowan pushes up from the table. “I should get you back. Wouldn’t want the good doctor to come looking.”
“No,” I murmur, wondering if being under Mace’s watchful eye is just another ploy of the commander’s to lead me into believing I have an actual choice.
Chapter 13
When Christopher shows up at the door, I’m still stewing on my conversation with Rowan yesterday. Is he right? Is Mace really the one who betrayed us to Eternus? It should be so easy to believe, especially since I want it to be the truth, but something just doesn’t sit right with me.
“Hey,” he says, seemingly as uncomfortable with this reunion as I am. We haven’t actually gotten the chance to talk, and while there are a million things I want to say, I’m at a loss for any of them right now.
“Hey,” I respond.
“So… wanna get out of here?”
I nod, following him out onto the sidewalk. Despite my hesitation about staying with Mace, I’ve hardly seen him at all these last couple of days. He works all the time, as far as I can tell. Then again, it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s found a way to evolve beyond sleep.
“I thought we’d go to the usual spot,” he says, referring to the old clearing in the woods where we built a tree house when we were kids. I haven’t been there in ages, and I’ll be surprised if it’s still standing, but I nod.
To my amazement, the old boarded structure is still there, but it doesn’t look anything like the sprawling castle I imagined when we were kids. “Hard to believe this thing stood up over time, isn’t it?” he asks, batting the rope ladder that’s certainly seen better days.
“It is,” I admit. “Guess no one else ever found it.”
“We picked a pretty good spot.”
“Yeah,” I agree, unable to keep from smiling a little as I think back to all the time we spent out after curfew putting the shelter together. “Remember when we used to store supplies so we could run away?”
He laughs. “Yeah… back then, we actually thought a few cans and a change of clothes would get us somewhere.”
“In this pack, if you’re going to dream, it has to be unreasonable,” I murmur, sitting on the swing hanging from the lower branch of the tree. It creaks under my weight, but even as a little scrap of a thing, it didn’t feel all that sturdy. The swing was there long before we found the place, and I can only imagine who put it there. Maybe someone long gone, or at least someone who’s long since forgotten the child who once wanted to swing by the water.
I look up when I realize Christopher is watching me. The wind rustles through the tall dead reeds and makes ripples on the surface of the water. “What is it?”
“Just remembering,” he answers, shoving his hands into his pockets as he leans back against the tree trunk. “Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if we’d gone through with it.”
His words take me by surprise. “I thought you were past all that now. The new Christopher is boring and sensible.”
He gives me a trace of a smile. “He tries to be. Doesn’t always succeed,” he says, wandering over. He moves behind me and gives the swing a light push. “I miss you, Dani.”
“Could’ve fooled me,” I mumble, thinking of all the she-wolves I’ve seen hanging around him over the years.
“I knew you were ne
ver going to be mine,” he says quietly, pushing me higher. “What was I supposed to do?”
I plant my feet in the earth and turn to face him, the ropes crossing in front of me to create a barrier between us. “We could have gone away together. You had a choice, Christopher.”
“So I did,” he says with sadness in his eyes.
“Why didn’t you?” My voice breaks right when I want to seem strong. Beyond caring about what he does or doesn’t want.
He reaches out to caress my cheek and I hate myself for the way my heart responds. He’s the last person who should be able to comfort me, but all it takes is his presence. “I knew I couldn’t protect you the way you deserve,” he says quietly. “I wasn’t strong enough to fight for you back then, but I am now.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying if you want to run, that’s what we’ll do. It’s not too late.”
For a moment, it feels like I’m dreaming. This can’t be real. Is he actually saying this? Then, reality sets in. “I can’t.”
The disappointment on his face fills me with guilt and fury at the same time. After I waited for him for so long, how dare he do this to me now? “Why?”
“Because I have a responsibility.”
“To what? A pack that’s never done anything but use you?”
“Yes,” I say through gritted teeth. “If I leave now, I’ll just prove them all right about me and my father. Then there’s Aspen… I actually have the chance to make a difference now, and I’m going to take it.”
“Your father is gone, Dani. He’s not coming back,” he says slowly, as if I don’t already know that. “You need to start thinking about yourself. About your future.”
“What does my future matter if this pack gets wiped out?” I demand. “You know what Eternus does to packs that fail to assimilate. Is that what you want to see happen to the place we’ve called home all our lives?”
“No,” he mutters, looking away in frustration. “Of course it isn’t, but that doesn’t mean anything we do is going to change it.”