I had meant to apologize for making him uncomfortable . . . Instead, I was taunting a 10. What was wrong with me? Had I completely forgotten how to survive as a Spotter just because I had been stuck in this cottage for a few weeks? Knowing it was better to face him than to have him at my back, I turned around. Mathias was sitting on the long bench, not even two feet away, watching me with the oddest smile. “You think I don’t know about Valentine’s Day?”
“Well, you are a member of a species that is supposed to be extinct,” I pointed out drily. “Not to mention the fact that I’ve read more than enough books that have the hero completely clueless as to Valentine’s Day, even when he’s a relatively young paranormal. It’s an odd thing but perhaps males really are that clueless.”
Mathias gave a low chuckle. “Let me guess, then the heroine has the excuse of showing him the pleasures of a day dedicated to love.”
“Some more than others,” I murmured. “The good thing about T. L. Harkins’ books is that she actually gets more things right, and there’s none of that bizarre cluelessness. It’s a pity she’s not one of the ambassadorial species, though. Most of the writers who are tend to write the same fluff when they aren’t promoting their species as the most noble of all paranormals.”
“How do you know Harkins isn’t ambassadorial?”
“It would have been in her bio, which reads like a norm’s.” I limped over to the bench and sat down next to him. “If you for some reason don’t know about Valentine’s Day, then this is your introduction to the most important aspect of the holiday.”
“Chocolate?”
A soft laugh escaped me as I nodded. “Chocolate.” I looked over at him, smiling, only to freeze when I realized he was much closer to me than I had realized, especially when we were looking directly at each other. The idea of giving him a kiss in the spirit of Valentine’s Day crossed my mind. I had been bold before and kissed him, however. The next day had been an utter disaster with us going on the run from Weard’s hunters. Maybe it would be better for us both if I didn’t try to kiss him again.
I turned forward again and cleared my throat. Was I blushing? I really hoped I wasn’t blushing. Blowing out a breath, I leaned forward to study the brownies. They were rising nicely and they smelled heavenly.
Mathias broke the silence. “Why is chocolate the most important?”
“Chocolate doesn’t care if you’re single,” I countered out of habit.
“So you have never celebrated Valentines’ Day . . . properly?”
“If you mean with a dinner and actual relationship, that would be a no.” I tugged the brownies off the grate and then limped over to the table. “Like I told you before, it was too much risk for a steady relationship. I’ve spent more time with you than any other date combined.”
When he didn’t respond, I focused on cutting up the brownies and placing two fist sized pieces on the plates he had set out. I turned to offer him his and found myself studying his face. “And you?”
“Me?”
I let go of the plate and quickly grabbed my own before answering. “Yes, you. I find it rather difficult to believe a man like you has never had a reason to celebrate Valentine’s Day.”
Mathias headed back to the bench without responding right away. But as soon as I limped over and took a seat next to him, he muttered, “You should be using your crutches.”
“I need my hands and a little practice won’t hurt.” I took a bite of the brownie and hummed as it nearly melted in my mouth. “Mmm, this is good. You’re trying to deflect, by the way. You don’t really expect me to believe that you have never celebrated Valentine’s Day, especially since I’m sure I’m the only woman you’ve ever met who knew you were more than the hot guy with a British accent. The accent alone should’ve gotten you plenty of dates, if you go by what the other secretaries at Halliman’s were saying when you showed up.” Now, I was babbling . . . about his delicious accent. I took another bite of my brownie to shut myself up before I embarrassed myself further.
“I celebrated Valentine’s Day properly once and that was because she insisted even though the flirtation hadn’t been going on for very long.”
The words startled me. I hadn’t expected him to ever talk to me again much less actually continue the conversation about Valentine’s. Yet, the comment about him having a relationship before . . . well, just before . . . It sent hot needles through my gut and my heart wrenched. How in the world had she let him get away?
I ate the last decadent bite of my brownie before I risked a glance at him. His gaze was fixed on the crackling flames, and he looked almost haunted instead of nostalgic or pining after a lost love. “And, you didn’t like it?”
“I was young and stupid. And, completely careless in exploring the relationship, so naturally I liked it very much.” Mathias’ mouth turned down into a frown as he added softly, “In doing so, Amber lost her life.”
“What happened?”
“I hadn’t completely put my past behind me. There were still some who knew what I was . . . Myrmidons don’t have the best control if they allow themselves to become attached. The person they form a bond with . . . they can become a weakness. They thought my flirtation with Amber meant she was my weakness. So they killed her two days after our Valentine’s Day celebration.”
“I’m sorry.” The words slipped out instinctively, but I knew they probably sounded empty. On an impulse, I reached over and took his hand. Giving a light squeeze, I quietly said, “So you stopped paying attention to Valentine’s.”
“It is too great a risk.”
“Because your heart might attach,” I finished for him. When he looked at me, I offered a slight smile. “Why do you think I stayed alone, purposely avoiding friendships? When I was eleven, I spent time fostering with a family of Sprites. They had all girls who were a little older than me, starting to notice boys, and Sprites are highly emotional so it’s easy for them to become too attached too soon. Mama C used to lecture all of us about the dangers of falling too easily or allowing attachments to form without thought or intent.” My smile turned wry as I added softly, “Even then I knew getting attached meant I would trust my secrets to someone and that was a deadly thing to do as a Spotter.”
“More deadly for a Myrmidon,” Mathias quietly countered as he slipped his hand from mine.
“I have no doubt.” I hesitated a moment, not sure if I should ask the question niggling at me, before plunging ahead. “What did you mean about your past? How did people know you were a Myrmidon?”
“I was captured and forced to fight for a group of rogue dragon shifters who were going to war against their kin.” The statement was devoid of emotion and he wasn’t looking at me. Unable to even think of a reply, I could only sit there as Mathias continued speaking. A thread of emotion entered his voice as he said, “My family was discovered somehow or betrayed, and we were attacked. My mother was separated from my two brothers and me. Our little sister was killed because she was only a toddler, too young to be used in the fighting. My brothers didn’t last past the first year, but I was . . . driven. I survived five years before I was found.”
“How old were you?” I asked, mind already spinning from the horror of his story.
“I was seven when we were captured.”
I took a shuddering breath as my mind conjured the picture of Mathias as a child soldier separated from his mother and losing his brothers. It was too horrible to even consider. “How, umm, how did you escape that life?”
“My father tracked me down.” Mathias rubbed his hands together, still staring hard at the fire. “He went into a rage and took down the rogue shifters. It was the first time I knew the cold burning through me whenever I fought was something unique to us. My father freed me and ordered me to run. He died that day. My uncle was the one who found me and lectured me on the dangers of being known as a Myrmidon.”
“Mathias, I . . .” The words trailed into nothingness as I struggled to think of something to say.
>
Mathias didn’t even seem to notice as he kept talking. “You were worried about my being a berserker but I’m not. Myrmidons have a battle rage, yes, but my people have a different name for it. The original name wouldn’t mean anything to you, but it roughly translates into Biting Ice. More fitting than a berserker’s rage given I don’t feel heat, only ice and cold. To lose utter control like a berserker, like Achilles did, to simply go on an unchecked rampage was to lose our honor. It was the ultimate fall for a Myrmidon.”
I stared at Mathias, everything in his coldness and his distancing himself from me was suddenly making sense. He was trying to protect me, but somehow struggling with this Biting Ice. Without thinking, I touched his shoulder. Tension knotted his muscles and my heart clenched for him. “You shouldn’t blame yourself. For any of it. It was no more your fault that your family was captured and made to suffer for your heritage as a Myrmidon than it was my fault that my parents abandoned me. We are not responsible for the actions of those older and more powerful than us.”
* * *
Mathias
Lauren’s touch burned through me. She should have turned away, left me alone, when I told her of Amber and of my past. Instead, she was attempting to comfort me. Did she still not see I was a monster too dangerous for her to care for, much less show empathy?
I looked at her telling myself that her eyes would show her true feelings, the shock and disgust I deserved. But her dark eyes were filled with . . . empathy, compassion, and so much heart that I struggled to remain detached. I needed to remain detached. Lauren was studying my face, but the emotions in her eyes never slipped. Her tone was hesitant, gentle, and a little contemplative when she asked, “Is it this need for control that’s been keeping you away?”
“It is part of the reason,” I admitted before I could stop myself. Her hand slipped away from my shoulder and I felt the loss of her warmth keenly. “If I am to protect you, I need my control. I can’t lose myself to the Biting Ice. It is . . . too dangerous.”
“Is that what happened in Edinburgh? When you . . . started killing the hunters, I mean.”
I almost denied it, claimed to be in total control. But as I stared into her eyes, I found myself incapable of deceiving her. “Yes . . . It is growing stronger, but I won’t let it win.”
“What’s the other reason?”
The words were so soft I almost didn’t hear them. “What do you mean?”
Lauren’s lips parted and a faint blush crept into her creamy tan. “You said the need for control was only part of the reason you’ve been staying away. What’s the other reason?”
As my fingers brushed against her cheek, I realized her skin was as soft as it looked. Unable to resist the compulsion, I slid my fingers into her thick hair cupping her face. Lauren’s eyes widened and her hands wrapped around my wrists as my thumbs brushed against the underside of her jaw. But she didn’t tug on them or try to push me away. I leaned closer, still staring into her luminous dark eyes, as I breathed, “You. It’s you.”
The draw pulling me toward her strengthened, and I couldn’t resist another moment. I captured her mouth savoring the way she responded in kind. Her hands slid down from my wrists to grip my biceps as I deepened the kiss.
We were both breathing hard when I lessened the intensity of my kiss, combing my fingers through her hair as I pulled back. Lauren’s eyes had closed but when she opened them, she looked at me with such pure . . . emotion that I was rooted to the spot. Lauren suddenly offered me a smile as she let go of my biceps only to cradle my face between her slender hands. “Mathias.” My name was a caress rolling off her lips before she leaned up to press another sweet kiss against my lips.
Desire blazed through me as I reached up to cover her hands with mine. Then, sense returned. I couldn’t do this to her. I pulled her hands away as I broke the kiss. “Don’t.”
Lauren stared at me, confusion and hurt warring in her gaze now, as she drew back slightly. “Mathias? I don’t understand. I thought you—”
“I’m sorry,” I forced the stiff apology out. Touching her hands burned me now, and I dropped them as I forced myself to stand up. Staring down into Lauren’s bewildered expression cut me deeper than any wound I had received fighting. “This cannot happen. Not with you. It’s too dangerous.”
“Mathias, wait.”
I shook my head as I forced myself to turn away from her. If I kept looking at her, I would break and I could not do that. “No, Lauren. This was a mistake.”
“Mathias.”
I heard her get to her feet, but I was already striding toward the door. I snagged my slicker and tugged it on before I left the cottage. The feel of cold rain against my face didn’t cool the burning desire to go back to her as much as I hoped. As I needed.
Moving away from the cottage took far more effort than it should have, and every second the burning need to fulfill the rites fought to compel me back inside to Lauren. To ask her to come with me to my people’s ancient homeland. I grit my teeth as I forced myself to keep walking through the rain and darkness. I couldn’t do that to her. The rites could be . . . deadly to any paranormal who wasn’t powerful or a Myrmidon. And, Lauren was neither.
The further I moved away from her, the stronger the cold flowed through me fighting to extinguish the distraction of the draw. Lauren knew nearly everything now. It was only just and it meant that we had to part ways. The memory of her limping around the cottage stood strong in my mind. She would need a walking boot soon. Then, there would be no reason for us to travel together. She would be safer away from me.
A low groan escaped me as the memory of her luminous eyes burned through my mind. The feel of her soft lips yielding beneath my kiss offered a haunting caress even now. I didn’t dare go back to her. I would never leave. I would never be able to let her go without attempting to win her. I forced my mind away from Lauren and summoned the memory of Amber’s lifeless body, of finding her dead and being attacked by a dragon shifter with a hydra marking his face. It had been how I first met Royal . . .
Royal . . . My path turned from going back to my shelter toward the stable. I needed to put a new plan in place. One that would keep Lauren safe and put her far out of reach when I lost my battle with the cold. It was the only way now. I felt too much to escape without being affected. It was the only way.
* * *
Chapter Eleven
Lauren
Mathias had already vanished into the rainy night by the time I reached the door and yanked it open. I stared out into the darkness for a moment before I slowly closed the door. What had just happened?
My lips still tingled from his kiss and the heady sensations he had stirred. I placed my hands against my cheeks, shivers still running down my spine at the memory of the feel of his larger lightly calloused hands touching my skin with such gentleness. I blew out a breath trying to make sense of everything.
I hadn’t completely thought out what would happen after I kissed Mathias a second time, but it certainly hadn’t involved him running out into the night. To get away from me. I shook my head as I sank down on the bench once more. How in the world had we gone from the most fantastic toe-curling kiss I had ever experienced to Mathias declaring it a mistake and walking out on me?
I had no idea.
Dragging my fingers through my hair, I still couldn’t quite collect my thoughts. My brain kept replaying the kiss. The first one, not the one that sent him running. I was certain there had been a weight to that kiss, something more than passing attraction. Something more than interest in a brief fling.
I knew what I wanted it to mean. I wanted him to care about me, to love me like I love him. My eyes widened and a startled laugh escaped me. I loved Mathias. This attraction was running deeper and stronger than mere interest. Love? It had to be, didn’t it?
But, he’d left like I was a gorgon trying to catch his eye . . . Not the best reaction to an extremely romantic and heady kiss. However, he hadn’t said he didn’t feel anything
for me. He said it was too dangerous. That meant there was hope, right?
There had to be hope. Mathias’ past experiences and his own code for being a gentleman meant he wouldn’t be the type to dally and run. He was just trying to protect me from a fate similar to Amber’s. Her death had so clearly left a mark on him that it only made sense for him to react this way.
He was right after all. He was a 10, a Myrmidon, which easily made him the most dangerous man currently walking the earth. My head told me I shouldn’t get involved. My heart announced it was far too late. A Spotter falling for a man who was not only a high number, but a Myrmidon . . . Who would have believed it? I barely believed it.
I would go find Mathias in the morning. After I had time to get over what his kiss had done to me, and we could have a serious logical conversation. I limped to the back room feeling the painful twinges in my ankle. I would need to rely on my crutches tomorrow as a precaution. It would make it difficult to search for Mathias if he completely disappeared again. By the time my head touched the bed, I was already dreaming of Mathias’ kiss and his own declaration.
* * *
Lauren
The morning after Valentine’s Day and our kiss, I was unable to do more than hobble into the main room of the cottage to get food and water. It definitely put a damper on my plans to talk to Mathias. And, I definitely needed to talk to him. I needed to make sure I hadn’t misunderstood . . . everything.
Another six days passed before I was able to put any real weight on my ankle, and every day added strength to the little voice whispering doubts. Mathias hadn’t come to check on me. He had run out so fast, maybe he didn’t feel the same way about me. The doubts continued to haunt me, growing more difficult to drown out.
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