by Kaci Hart
“I understand. I was thinking…”
Nick didn’t hear anything else she said for the rest of the conversation. He was stuck on something she said earlier.
What in the world?! She doesn’t work there anymore either?
He could understand her not working at the office with him anymore. If he had pushed her away that weekend, that was only logical but for her to leave her regular job too; something more must have been going on and he needed to get to the bottom of it.
When he finished with human resources, he called Donna several times. The first one rang several times and then went to voice mail. The next five went straight to voice mail. That meant she was screening his calls and didn’t’ want to talk to him at all. He was floored. He must have misread her before but he understood what she was saying and doing loud and clear right at that moment. She had broken away from the company and was breaking away from him.
She doesn’t want to marry me.
He was having a hard time believing that after the look of love she had given him all weekend. He was so sure. No matter what, he had given her a promise. He’d told her that if she decided she didn’t want what he wanted, he would understand. He would be true to his word. That is the kind of man he was. He would give her the space she needed. At least that was what logic told him to do, but his heart was another thing.
She didn’t have to marry him, but she at least needed to tell him why. He wouldn’t accept her just cutting him off. He left the office early and drove towards her house, still calling her all the way and going straight to voicemail. He left the same message repeatedly.
“Donna, please answer. I just want to talk to you. Please.”
When he reached her apartment he saw her car in the parking lot and knew that she was home. He ran to her door, knocking once he reached. Donna opened the door but left the latch on. She looked at him with sorrow painted on her face. Her eyes were puffy and red. He could only guess that he had done something on their trip that had changed her mind.
“No Nick. My answer is no.”
His heart dropped. He didn’t want to just give up though.
“Why Donna? What happened?”
Nick, you promised that you would understand. It’s my decision so please just let it go and try to understand.”
“I want to but I don’t know what I did wrong. I just want to know where I went wrong.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong Nick. You were perfect.”
That was it then. He had thought it might be her father and now he was pretty sure.
“Donna, if it’s because of your dad, I’m not him you know.”
She was silent for a few seconds and he waited for her to respond. When she did, he wished he hadn’t said what he did.
“I know that and how dare you assume that this has anything to do with my father. It absolutely does not.”
“Alright. I’m sorry I just assumed that there had to be something. We had such a wonderful time this weekend. We always have a great time together and I just can’t fathom what would be able to keep us apart. I thought….I thought I knew what you wanted. I thought we were going to get married one day Donna. You know I love you. I have loved you for a while now and I can’t see anything else but loving you for the rest of my life.”
Donna closed the door.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“How can it not matter? How does it not matter when someone tells you that they love you?
“Because it only matters when you love them back. Nick I … I don’t love you. Isn’t that why people get married? And even if I did love you, whatever that means, it still wouldn’t matter. Love isn’t real so my answer is no. Now please honor your word and leave me alone.”
He heard the hurt and pain in her voice. He knew that that wasn’t really what she wanted but if she wouldn’t open up to him--his hands were tied. There was nothing else he could say. Nothing else he could do. If she said that she didn’t want him in her life anymore, his only choice was to go no matter how wrong her reasons for leaving him were. As hard as it was for him to do so, he turned away and walked back towards his car.
He had some serious thinking to do.
Chapter 13
Donna watched as Nick glanced back at her apartment one more time before getting in his car and driving away. She turned around and placed her back on the wall, sliding to the floor. She had finally thought that she had found happiness only for that to happen. Now she had pushed Nick and she was sure that it was over. She had lied to him though and she knew it. She was completely in love with him and wanted nothing more than to marry him.
Just my life, as usual.
She was going to be alone instead. It was for the best. It wouldn’t be fair to Nick if she were to continue with their relationship. She wasn’t whole herself with her daddy issues. What kind of relationship was she going to give him where every time she heard from her father she would go into seclusion? That wasn’t right for her to do to him.
Donna made another decision. Her father had called her after their conversation yesterday and left her his phone number and address on her voicemail. She was going to confront him right then. She saw no reason that he should get off the hook while her life was ruined.
“Yeah, it’s me. Are you home? Good. I’m coming over.”
She didn’t care if it was rude. That wasn’t her goal right then. He needed to know what he had done to her. How his actions had really scarred her. She jotted down the address he had left on her voicemail and charged out of the house, determined that he was going to feel the pain she felt. She got into her car and drove to the address he had given her. He had moved back to his hometown since getting out of prison. Her father wasn’t originally from Stanton Falls. He had moved to the city after meeting her mother at a local fair and supposedly falling in love with her.
After fifteen minutes, she reached the address he had given her. Getting out of the car, she wasn’t so sure anymore that she wanted to talk to him but the rational person deep inside her told her it was necessary in order for her to move on in her life in any possible way. She knocked on the door and waited. A few moments later he appeared. His emotions showed concern and at the same time weariness. Donna guessed that he was aware that his actions could set her off. He couldn’t say anything to her about it really. She got her temper from him, it seemed.
“I’m glad you decided to come by.”
“I didn’t do it for you. I needed to talk.”
“Ok. That’s fine. Come on in.”
Donna walked inside the little home and waited as her father closed the door behind her.
“Can I get you something to drink?”
“No, Jeff. I’m not thirsty.”
“Alright. Then before you start, I’m going to say a few things. Take them as you may and if you decide to storm out and leave, that’s your choice.”
Donna was surprised at what he said and didn’t try to hide her feelings but she let him continue. She was interested to see what he had to say.
“First of all, I accept all responsibility for the things I’d done. There is no excuse and there is no changing it. I don’t want to hash that out again. We can talk about it like adults, but we’re not going to be shouting and fighting.”
What a hypocrite!
“You listen Jeff.”
Her father visibly winced as she called him by his first name again. It obviously irritated him.
“I will listen, but you are going to listen first. And you are not going to call me that again. I’m your father no matter what. You can figure out whatever iteration of that you want to use, but I’m not Jeff. If you can’t at least respect me that much, then you can leave.”
Donna was tempted to do just that, almost fishing in her pocket for her keys when she looked at him. She really looked at him for the first time in years and regardless of what he said, it looked like his eyes were pleading with her to stay. She didn’t know why, but she felt like she should stay.
Like she should talk to him. Maybe it was because for the first time ever, she saw an emotion coming from him that wasn’t laced with anger and strife. Her own anger felt like it was subsiding a teeny tiny bit.
Is this even the same man?
“Ok...d-daddy…”
It felt strange calling him a name that she hadn’t called him in years. Surprisingly enough, it felt better than calling him by his first name.
She continued.
“How can you tell me to watch my temper and respect you after all you did? All those years.”
A glimpse of resignation was on his face.
“I guess we have to talk about those things then, don’t we. Alright then, here I go. Let me tell you my side of the story. Not that it’s right, but it was where I was at the time princess.”
“Not princess. We aren’t there yet either.”
“Donna then. I can do that. Back then, I was young. Not much older than you in fact. I had hoped to have more in life. I had wanted to open a garage. I worked as a mechanic for years here in town. Learned the trade from my uncle. I’d gotten a loan, bought a building and everything. On opening day, there was a piece of equipment that I had bought, trying to cut costs. Anyway, it didn’t read the diagnostics on one of the cars right and ended up causing a car to crash. Luckily no one was hurt but between the lawsuits and insurance premiums skyrocketing, I couldn’t keep the shop anymore.”
“Seriously?”
“Yep. You were probably five or six when all of this happened. You wouldn’t remember at all. You do remember what happened next though. For a couple years after, I kept working odd jobs, and kept the shop so that I could reopen it one day. When I hit a rough patch, the bank repossessed the land from me and that was when I just gave up on everything. I started drinking more and more and taking out everything on your mother and you. I felt like I was a joke of a man and that everyone else could see it so I beat my chest and acted out. Going to prison probably saved my life. That and having your mother around. She was better to me than I ever deserved. She always was.”
“I know what you mean. Mom has that kind of ability to make a person want to be better and to do better. So why did I never hear about any of this before?”
“Well to be honest, I tried to talk to you about it as you got older. I know I was in prison but I wanted to talk to you. I always wanted to ask for your forgiveness for years. That was my biggest regret and I just thank God I have gotten the chance to at least talk to you about everything. I couldn’t believe that you never visited me once or took any calls from me.”
Donna felt bad when he said that to her. She knew she probably should have talked to him. She always knew, but it was easier said than done.
“I know, but I was hurting daddy. I chose to respond by not responding. It’s common.”
“I understand. I knew you hated me all those years and you had good reason to.”
Donna couldn’t believe that the man standing in front of her was her father. Even more, she couldn’t believe that they were having a civil conversation. Had she made a mistake all those years not talking to him? Who knows but she was glad to be talking to him now. More than she would have ever thought, she was happy to be talking to her father again.
“I’m going to be honest with you. I never hated you daddy. Wow. It feels strange saying that but I like it. Anyway. I never hated you at all. I wanted to. I even tried to make myself hate you for years. Saying you didn’t deserve love or forgiveness. After all this time, to learn the struggles that you were going through. Of course it doesn’t make it right but at least it makes a little more sense. As a child, I always thought it was my fault. Something I’d done to make you that way.”
“Never Pri-...Donna.”
“Actually, I think princess will be ok.”
The next thing that happened completely surprised Donna. In all her years, she had never seen her father cry. She would have never thought she would live to see it either. There he sat, across from her, tears rolling down his face and shoulders shuddering as he couldn’t fight the tears anymore.
“You have no idea how that makes me feel.”
She walked over to him and hugged her father for the first time in almost ten years.
“I have always loved you more than life itself princess. Even then, I would have given my life for you and if I could go back and change the hands of time, I’d do it all differently.”
“I know daddy. I know. I would have done things differently as well. At least we have now.”
Donna didn’t realize it but she had begun to shed a few tears herself. She knew why. After all that time. After all those years of torment, sadness and pain. She forgave him. She was finally able to forgive her father and that felt like the biggest burden of all time had been removed from her shoulders. Every daughter wants to feel like their father loves them and now she really knew it.
They sat and talked for a few minutes, him telling her how proud he was of her for becoming a therapist. He told her that her mother would always give him updates on how she was doing. He even had pictures of her graduating high school and college on his electronic photo album on the counter.
“Oh my God, is that the picture from when we went to the fair? What was I, five then?”
“Yes you were, and always amazingly beautiful. And you wore that tiara everywhere.”
“Tiara. I forgot all about that! Wait, is that why you always call me princess?”
“Yep. I still believe that if you look up my background and your mothers, somewhere along the line you will find some kind of royalty. Being a princess was just too natural for you.”
Donna giggled, holding his hand.
“Wow.”
“What’s that?”
“Nothing. It’s just amazing how easily things can change. Look at us. Separated for years but now able to talk like father and daughter. Thank you daddy for always wanting me in your life.”
“Well thank you for letting me back in yours. I don’t know if I could have handled it otherwise.”
“You won’t have to worry about that again.”
“Great. Now I don’t want to go getting all fatherly but I have to.”
“Uh oh.”
“Ha. No no no. Nothing like that. Your mother had told me about this Nick guy and I was really happy for you. To hear her tell it, he was the first man you have been serious about ever.”
Donna’s countenance dropped.
“That’s true.”
“Well not to ruin a good mood, but what are you going to do? Will you marry him?”
“I wish, but it’s not so easy anymore.”
“Why not?”
“He’ll probably never want to talk to me again. I was so mean to him. He told me he wanted me to marry him and I told him that I didn’t love him and that I didn’t care that he loved me. I said we’d never be together and to leave me alone.”
“Oh no.”
“Yeah.”
“So are you going to at least talk to him about it? Clear the air maybe and see where it goes from there.”
“Look at you getting all caring after all these years.”
“I never stopped princess.”
“Right. It’s not going to happen though. He couldn’t forgive me. I know it.”
Her father laughed at her and she didn’t know what was so funny.
“Really? That’s funny to you? What happened to the loving, caring father from a minute ago?”
“No, I’m not laughing at you really. More the irony of what you just said. Look at us here. There is no way that anything that you have said or done to Nick could begin to compare to my faults with you and your mother. Yet still, you both have forgiven me in spite of who I was. I think I am a shining example right now that someone who loves you can forgive you regardless of the size of the mistake you made. It just depends on whether you want to try. It took years for you and me to get here but it also took years for us to get as far apart as we were. It’s only been a little
bit of time for you and him.”
“I don’t know about that daddy. I know you mean well but that’s a little simpler than my situation with Nick. I can’t even look him in the eye right now. Besides…”
“Besides what?”
“I know this is going to come as a shock to you but I quit my job. I’m leaving Stanton Falls.”
Saying it was harder than she imagined, but she needed to start a new chapter in life. Her own chapter and she felt like it needed to be away from where she had grown up. At least it did a few hours ago. Now she wasn’t so sure but her decision had been made and she was the type to stick with what she’d done once she made her mind up. She would miss them all, probably Nick the most, but it was time to move on.