“Supposedly,” I say, “the money I bring in on my fights pays off the debt. And I fight a lot. But in reality? I fight for as long as Remmy says I have to.”
“And your dad is okay with this?” Jason says, disbelieving.
“We don’t really talk about it,” I say, shrugging. “But I think he feels pretty guilty. And he never goes to The Ring. He’s never seen me fight. I don’t think he could stand to watch.”
We arrive at my house and I let Jason in and take his coat, hanging it up carefully while I toss my sweatshirt on the coach, and then all at once I’m on him and he chuckles a little when I knock him back against the door. I hop up and his arms come up around my legs so he’s carrying me and we make out lazily. I feel like I’ll never get enough of this man. I want to find out what makes him tick and why he’s so sad and why he thinks he’s not a better man even though he seems to be trying really hard to be one.
“Take me to bed,” I whisper in his ear. Jason doesn’t answer, he just carries me as I direct him to my bed between kisses and drops me on top of my comforter before kicking off his shoes. His eyes never leave me. He looks so helpless to resist me and it makes me smile as he peels off his shirt and crawls up the bed to hover over me. We kiss, slow and deliberate, and the slide of his mouth against mine makes me ache and want to hold on to him forever. This mouth is mine. Mine mine mine. His breath is quick and hot and he pulls away and yanks my t-shirt up and I happily go along with him almost tearing it off before I unhook my bra and throw it on the floor.
Our sex has been hurried so far; passionate and hot but we haven’t taken enough time with each other. We haven’t even been fully naked with each other. But now Jason seems to want to take all the time in the world as he ducks his head and softly kisses me along my throat and down my collarbone. I’m quivering with anticipation and then he kisses my breast, licking there, his mouth covering my nipple only to bite gently and then harder and then a little harder so that I cry out and clutch his shoulders. He takes his time there, seeming happy to see what sounds he can ring out of me as he gives my breasts all the attention in the world. I’ve always been sensitive there and my cheeks burn with just a little self-consciousness as Jason nips and bites and licks and I buck and twist beneath him, so wet and wanting him to slide into me. I feel like if I don’t get him inside of me soon my mind will just short out. He works his way down my body as he pulls my pants down and off my legs, tossing them on the floor and his hands slide up the back of my calves. I flex in his hands and he smiles roguishly up at me, grasping the backs of my thighs and yanking me forward so that I help, my heart racing before he ducks his head and abruptly mouths me through my panties.
“Oh God, Jason…”
I’ve always had an incredibly weakness for this and not every guy wants to do it but Jason seems more than willing and his arms come up around my thighs to hold me still and he teases me as his tongue attempts to plunge right through the thin fabric and lace and into my core. The tease of it makes me tremble and I reach down to tug on his hair but he ignores me. I shove my underwear down and he chuckles and then I actually mumble thanks to the fates, to the God of humans, to anyone who wants to listen as Jason thrusts his tongue inside me as if he’s been starving for weeks and I’m a seven course meal. I scream and buck and twist and there are tears in my eyes as he licks at me and laves my clit with his tongue and then two fingers slide inside me and I grip the sheets in my fists, biting my lip, and shaking I’m so close to the edge. Just when I think I’m about to come, he stops and I seriously consider ripping his throat.
“No no no,” I murmur. But his gaze is full of fire as he strips out of his jeans, finally fully naked in front of me and I watch his thick cock bob as he climbs on top of me and pushes my legs back, yanking me forward again before he thrusts into me hard. It doesn’t hurt, on the contrary the power of it when I’m shaking and right on the peak of pure pleasure is enough to send me right over the edge and I throw my head back and scream before he pulls completely out and thrusts back in again. I wrap my legs around Jason, willing him to stay there as he thrusts inside me again and again as I come. My mouth is hanging open and I reach up to clap my hands to his face and he looks down at me, wild-eyed but so adoring at the same time.
“My mate,” Jason says.
“My mate!” I cry, tears sliding down my face as he rings every bit of bliss from me before finally coming himself, hollering as he pulses inside me before finally slowing down. I’m so sensitive by now that it’s a pleasure close to pain but I let him come down before he slides out and collapses beside me. I can’t stop shaking and he rolls over and holds me, catching his breath as he lays soft kisses along my chest.
“One-time thing, huh?” I murmur, and Jason laughs into my skin.
We lie in bed for a while but eventually there will be the fights and before that, my dad and Lorna will probably be coming home. Loran is at a friend’s house but she’ll likely be home before dinner. Still for a while, we laze about in bed and softly kiss and hold each other.
“What did you go to prison for?” I murmur. I roll over to face him and he looks so sad that I feel a little bad for asking. It’s not that I think he did something so terrible. It’s more just naked curiosity. I know whatever he did must have been bad to get him put in a shifter prison but I don’t think he’s that man anymore.
“Can I tell you some other time?” He reaches over to brush my cheek with his thumb. My heart gives a stupid little leap when he implies there’s going to be another time. I can pretend to be as tough as nails all I want but people who know me, know the truth. I want to be loved. I want to love somebody else. I want a mate. I want someone who knows me better than I know myself and who I can know just as well. When I look in Jason’s eyes, that’s what I see.
“Yeah.” I kiss the tip of his nose and his forehead and one cheek.
I want to tell him I won’t love him any less. But maybe I shouldn’t throw out that word.
“Hey,” I say softly. “You got so hurt last night. You can fight better than that, I know you can. Were you drunk?”
He looks away then but I snuggle closer and he lets me. He’s quiet for a long time and I give him an encouraging kiss. I’m guessing Jason isn’t the kinda guy who talks about his feelings very much. I don’t think many men in Grayling are.
“I was a little drunk,” he murmurs. “But I… I don’t know. I guess I kinda wanted somebody to beat the shit out of me last night.”
“Why would you want that, baby?”
“I had a nightmare,” he whispers. “But it’s all stuff that really happened.”
“I’m guessing you’re not going to tell me the details.”
“Nah.” Jason won’t look at me. But I kiss his neck so he knows I’m not mad. “I don’t want you to look at me any different.”
“I don’t think I will.”
He only grunts at that but it’s enough and we lie there together in each other’s arms for awhile.
“He wants me to fight you,” Jason says quietly. “I didn’t know, I… I thought he’d let me quit, but it doesn’t sound like he will. And now he wants me to fight you.”
I didn’t know that, but it’s not really surprising. Despite his lackluster performance last night, Jason is obviously a strong fighter. I don’t know if he can take me, but it would be a good fight. Of course, Remmy wants to see us go at it.
“If we gotta fight,” I say softly, “we gotta fight. We’ll just be careful not to kill each other.”
“I don’t want to fight you.”
I sigh into Jason’s skin. It’s sweet of him and all but I remember what happened with Ray. Remmy taught me that lesson well. If we don’t fight each other when Remmy wants us to, it’ll just be worse for us, or at least one of us.
I sit up in bed and lean on my arm, peering down at Jason who looks forlorn just thinking about the possibility of us fighting. “You have to do whatever Remmy asks you to do,” I say firmly. “Promise me.”
Jason snorts at that. “I can’t promise that. Not if he’s gonna ask me to hurt you or somebody else. That’s like the pack I just came from.”
I feel a little heated at that and I glare at him. “I told you Remmy was bad news. Why the hell did you jump into fighting? You didn’t have to. Not like I do. You made your bed, you gotta lie in it.”
“I didn’t….” He sighs heavily. “That’s my fault. I fucked up, alright? But I’m not doing whatever he says just because he’s the alpha. I’m a lone wolf now, that means I don’t have to do shit for an alpha.”
“If you don’t fight me, he’ll just make sure I get hurt,” I tell him, making sure he’s looking me in the eye. “You have to believe me. It’ll just be worse. And don’t just let me win either. Don’t throw the fight. He’ll know.”
“Fuck this,” Jason mumbles. He gets to his feet and starts putting on his clothes and I feel my heart drop yet at the same time I’m angry.
“You wanted to fight!” I shout at him as he pulls on his jeans. “No one told you too, well this is what happens! You can’t just pretend it’ll go away.”
“I didn’t know you were in it!” Jason says. “Now when I… Fuck. Fuck!” He stops and claps his hands to face and all that regret he carries around seems to wash over him yet again. “I’m such an idiot. I’m such… All I had to do was keep my head down and I couldn’t…”
“Jason-”
“No.” He drops his hands and takes a deep breath, grabbing his shirt off the floor. “Listen… This can’t happen. You and me. We’re just lonely and sad people so we think we’re each other’s mate. It’s not true, Carrie. I’d never be that lucky and you deserve better. Just stay away from me, okay? Just...please.”
I feel a lump in my throat and I shake my head. “Jason… Don’t.”
“Just leave me alone,” he says darkly. “And I’ll leave you alone. I don’t know what to do about the fight. I’ll just… I’ll do my best, okay?”
“Please don’t leave like this,” I whisper. “You do deserve… You know, fuck that deserving stuff anyway. I don’t care. I want you!”
“Trust me,” he says. “You don’t.”
I miss being tough and untouchable. I miss wanting love and never knowing it. Because this hurts much worse than getting knocked around in the cage. I’m still naked in the sheets as Jason buttons his jeans, not meeting my eyes.
He doesn’t look back as he walks out the door.
Shit.
Chapter Ten: Jason
It’s a real nice idea, being a better person and building a new life. But as much as I’ve been kicking the shit out of myself, I somehow still managed to screw things up. All I had to do was keep my head down and put one foot in front of the other. But I had to get swept up in those stupid fights. I had to let my wolf’s desire to feel something like that satisfying sensation of power and strength to win out. It’s like I’ve learned nothing. Because all of that was bullshit and Remmy might as well be Dax. Except this time I’m hurting people for money instead of some cruel manifesto. One is no better than the other.
Somehow, Carrie’s family is able to move without making a sound. I didn’t even notice their scents. But when I shut Carrie’s bedroom door behind me and find myself between her living room and her kitchen, I see an older man and a little girl sitting at a table eating peanut butter on celery and pouring over a coloring book. They look over at me and I freeze, feeling disgusting. This should just be an awkward moment, maybe amusing. But I feel like I’ve contaminated their home with my own darkness and bullshit. Carrie’s got enough problems. I should’ve left her alone and resisted that pull. Because nothing good can come from this. And she’s got a family to take care of.
I’m standing there in my jeans with my t-shirt in my hand, my cheeks burning.
The girl and the old man don’t look very bothered. I throw my t-shirt on and look around for my coat but the little girl says, “Hi! Are you Carrie’s friend?”
“Um…” I double-check my fly, my gaze flitting around the room. I check for my keys in my pocket. No, they should be in my coat pocket. “Yeah...no. Not really. Um, I’m Jason.”
“I’m Lorna!” The girl says. I look over at her. I have three days growth of beard and my hair is too shaggy and I need a shower. Lorna has brown pigtails, and she’s wearing a top with a giant grinning strawberry on it as she colors next to the old man who’s looking at a newspaper. “I’m Carrie’s sister!”
“Hello,” I murmur. I find my coat and fold it over my arm but Lorna is hopping down from her chair and the old man looks really amused. He would be the asshole who put them in so much debt that Carrie has to fight. I don’t know why he has the gall to look amused right now.
“What’s your favorite animal?” Lorna demands.
I’m just a few feet from the front door and this little girl wearing a giant strawberry is beaming up at me, asking me what my favorite animal is. I suddenly remember Alice when she was little. When you’re a little kid, you have a weird way of suffering through the bad shit while still being able to enjoy the good shit. It’s like you don’t know any better and you just take what you’re given. Alice had it rough, so did everyone at Hardwidge, especially the girls. But I remember when she was little, the way she’d grin and laugh and some stupid thing before we made her smile less and less. I remember smiling that way too before I learned to push away pain and replace it with rage.
“My favorite animal…” I put my coat on. I feel choked up, like I might actually bust out crying at any second. I don’t know what’s happening to me. “Um...elephants.” I say it so softly. I just need to get out of here but Lorna is looking at me like Alice used to look at me before she knew I was an awful person and I don’t know what to do. I tell Lorna elephants like I might actually be answering incorrectly but she looks very happy about it.
I have to get out of here. I feel like my heart is about to burst right out of my chest.
“Elephants!” Lorna says. “I love elephants!”
“Yeah...um, they have funny noses.” I zip up my coat and over Lorna’s head I see the old man smiling fondly and when we look at each other I feel like we recognize something in each other for a second and, well, this whole thing is scaring the shit out of me. “Yeah, I gotta go.”
“My favorite is wolves!” Lorna says and I turn to look back at her. “Because I’m a wolf!”
That’s so cute and obvious and I finally crack a smile. I hate this. “That’s a good answer,” I mumble, before stomping out the door and slamming it behind me.
I’d intended to spend the rest of the day with Carrie and go to The Ring together, but instead I go running in the woods again. I’m getting pretty good at sensing the hunters but I don’t go far anyway. I spend my time on the fringes of the woods, avoiding everyone else, and brooding.
I’m starting to think this whole thing was a mistake. I should just find some spot in the real wilderness and try to live like a wolf as much as I can all the time. I know that’s not really feasible. If what happened with Hardwidge taught me anything, it was that shifters are as much human as they are their animal. You can’t just ignore your humanity anymore than you can ignore your wolf. Living that way is living a half life and you can damn near lose your mind. Maybe I could find some little shack to live in though, something homier than Hardwidge but far away from people. Clearly, I shouldn’t be around them. I shouldn’t be around anyone. I should still be locked up in the Mulligan…
It’s dark and bitterly cold as I force myself to hunt some deer and eat up before I start making my way back. I still have to fight. I know enough now to realize if I don’t go in there and fight, there’s no telling what the consequences will be and I don’t want my shit to be taken out on Carrie.
As I make my way back, I find a wolf body in the woods. It’s a shifter. I can tell by its size. It’s a woman, shot by hunters, lying at the trunk of a tree. I can smell the hunters nearing, coming to claim their kill.
They
’re so close to Grayling, it’s absurd. They could wipe out the whole town, eventually. Any alpha worth his salt should be doing something about this.
I stand there for a moment, grieving the dead. I wonder if this shifter had a family. I’ll have to at least tell somebody so they know. I wish I had a name. The hunters are coming but if they kill me, well maybe that’s better for everyone including myself.
I throw back my head and howl, standing there over the body. It’s a particular howl for mourning and I hear a few other wolves far away joining me. I keep yowling that deep, tragic howl for as long as I can, until the hunters get to close and then I take off running for my life.
I make it to Grayling alive, with time to spare and I head straight for The Ring.
It’s time to fight.
“You again?” Eli is one of the fighters and when I walk into the gym that night he’s lifting weights and looking at me like I’m the scum off the bottom of his shoe. “You didn’t get your ass handed to you enough last night? Now you’re here for more?” He gets to his feet and flexes in front of me like that’s supposed to mean something. That stupid, young part of me almost takes the bait but I just roll my eyes and hang up my coat. It’s almost showtime. I figure my run in the woods was my warm-up and I do feel strong and well fed now. I feel ready to fight, even if a large part of me wants to lay down and die.
The place is filling up with the night’s fighters as Remmy gives his spiel in front of the cage. Eli only seems interested in me though. He comes over to goad me some more and I try to ignore him. “Creamed that first pup no problem but I dunno, man. Don’t look like much of a contender to me.”
“Was having an off night,” I mumble. “And I was drunk. Also, mind your goddamn business.”
“Hoo hoo!” Eli claps his hands. He’s a big guy, built like a truck. But he strikes me as all talk. I bet I could take him. “Somebody’s in a mood! You fightin’ Carrie tonight?”
“Yes.”
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