It was then, in his arms, with my head on his chest that I realized he was much more than my friend. From that moment I saw him in a whole new light. Then we’d gone and played spin the bottle. Our eyes had met and he’d smiled, like he was just as excited as I was that the fated coke bottle had chosen him as my partner.
I picked up the last item and opened it. What I thought was a plain black binder had a surprise hidden inside. Tears burned my eyes as I stared down at the scrap book his mother had made of us. But my crying wasn’t the happy sort. Remembering our good times only made me feel that much worse. It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. I should’ve been his Monica long before now, and he, my Quincy. But he’d gone and ruined everything. Not once, but twice he’d abandoned me for his own selfish reasons.
Now, all of a sudden he was ready, and I was supposed to what? Leap into his arms with joy and understanding? Well, things didn’t work that way. He’d made a fool of me enough times, not again.
I went over to my bed and pulled a shoe box from underneath. After emptying it, I threw in all his stupid notes and gifts from past few days. I’d be at the library alright, and when he came to check if I’d gotten his next little clue, he’d find a gift of his own. I’d leave my own note, telling him just where he could shove it.
~ ♥ ~
I searched the entire library and didn’t find a thing. After sitting the box on a table, I flopped down in one of the chairs and cradled my head on my arms. I’d come with my heart set on giving him a piece of my mind, in verbal or note form. Instead I sobbed into my coat sleeve. Why couldn’t I just stop loving him?
A tap on my shoulder made my heart leap, and after a long hiatus, my butterfly friends had returned. Taking a shaky breath, I turned. When my eyes landed on him, I immediately rolled them. “Benji? What are you doing here?”
He smirked and waved an envelope in the air. “I’m your secret admirer, and I came to whisk you off to a romantic getaway.”
I stood, my stomach churning a bit. “I’d rather die.”
He chuckled and went to sit in the other chair. “Calm down, you’re not my type. Too angelic.”
“Whatever. I’m leaving.”
“Sit down.”
“Excuse you? You’re not my father.”
He stood, towering over me, and frowned. A second later he laughed. “You two are perfect for each other. Both of you are stubborn as hell and hard headed. Sit.”
“And if I don’t?”
“I’m bigger than you.”
It was my turn to laugh then. “And I care, because?”
“You either sit down, or I’ll sit you down, then sit on you so you can’t leave.”
I rolled my eyes and took my seat. “I’m not afraid of you.”
“I wouldn’t think so, with the way you kicked Brooke’s ass. Thanks for that by the way, wish it could’ve been me, but I don’t hit females, or in her case, female dogs. “
“Don’t mention it.” My voice was flat and dry. “What do you want?”
He shook his head. “Doesn’t matter what I want. I’m just here to make sure you read this.” He slid a pink envelope across the table with my name on the front.
I slid it back. “No. I don’t care what he has to say. He didn’t even have the decency to show himself, sending his cousin to do his dirty work, as if I mean that little to him.”
“He is here. He just didn’t think you’d want to see him.”
“I don’t.” Despite my words, my eyes flitted around the library.
Benji tapped the envelope on the table. “Look. What I’m about to tell you, Jay should have weeks ago, but he’s a fucking idiot.” He raised his voice a bit on the second half of the sentence. A second later his phone buzzed in his pocket. He checked it and rolled his eyes. “If you don’t like the way I tell the story, get your punk ass out here and do it yourself.”
I pushed away from the table and stood. “Where is he?”
Benji pointed to my chair, giving me a firm look. “Sit.” He turned to the bookshelf behind him. “And you shut up.” He faced me and laced his fingers together on the table top. “Now, a month ago when Jay dumped you–”
“He didn’t dump me. We weren’t together.”
“Whatever. Shut up and listen.” His phone buzzed again but he ignored it. “He did what he did for a reason. A stupid reason...but still. Jay was just trying to do the right thing. When he found out Brooke was pregnant, he–”
“She’s pregnant?” My heart clenched and bile rose in my throat. She was having his baby? “Oh my god! The fight.”
Benji’s phone went crazy on the table. He grabbed it up and silenced it. “Okay, that one was my bad. Let me rephrase that. When he thought she was pregnant, which we later found out she lied about, he thought it’d be better to let you go rather than ask you to deal with Brooke for what would have been the rest of your lives. Since you were kept in the dark about the whole thing, I can see why it might have seemed like he was a huge asshole.”
“He–”
“Could you just read the letter? This is weird and awkward. I don’t do weird and awkward, and I’m not a marriage counselor. Both of ya’ll need to get your acts together. Benji’s not gonna always be here to pick up the pieces.” He winked then slid me the envelope again and pulled a small red gift box from his pocket and sat it in front of me. He then stood and rounded the tall bookshelf. There was a small scuffle, then retreating footsteps.
I stared at the bookshelf, wondering if he’d left with Benji or was still there, watching me. I couldn’t summon the courage to check.
I set the box to the side and opened the envelope. The letter smelled like him. I took a few deep breaths before unfolding it.
I’m in love with you.
There, I said it. Long overdue, I know. But I pray it’s not too late.
I could probably come up with a thousand reasons why I waited so long to tell you, but there’s one that over shadows them all. Fear. I was scared. Scared to lose you again. Scared you didn’t feel the same. Scared that admitting my feelings, even to myself, would somehow ruin our friendship.
That’s the one I feared the most. Even after three years apart, we didn’t miss a beat. You were back, and we were Jay and Gabi again. There’s nothing I cherish more than your friendship, except maybe your heart. Which I broke, and will regret doing for the rest of my life.
I know I screwed things up, maybe beyond repair. I’m an idiot. Instead of just being up front with you, I was childish and immature. Not only that, but I disrespected you by not letting you make your own decisions about the matter. Sometimes I forget how tough you are and I try to protect you from things. You’re my Little Red, and I can’t help it, but I’ll try to do better in the future. If there is a future.
I’m not going to ask for your forgiveness, not yet. I know I’ll never deserve it. But consider this my first official apology, and know that there will be many more to come. Even if you decide you never want to see me again, just know, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry...for everything.
A tear splashed on the page, which I folded and hugged to my chest. The rest of the letter may as well have been a foreign language because I couldn’t get past that first sentence. He’s in love with me.
I read the letter twice more before finally setting it down.
Once my tears had calmed some, I undid the bow on the gift box and opened it. Inside was a small flyer to the Poetry Slam at Angelo’s. I flipped it over, revealing the last letter, a ‘Y’. Beneath it was another time. 9pm, tonight.
I removed the remaining cards from the shoebox, and laid all five on the table, arranging them to spell out the word: ‘Sorry’. I couldn’t help but chuckle at his corniness.
Looking inside the box again, I lifted up some cotton and a small gasp escaped my lips. Resting on top of yet another folded piece of paper was a gorgeous charm bracelet. I held it in my hand, admiring all the charms, then opened the final letter.
It had each cha
rm listed along with a description.
A boxing glove: To commemorate the day we officially met and you tried to break my face.
A pair of running shoes: Because track is what started our friendship.
A Star: For when you become the best damn astrophysicist there is.
An ice skate: Because watching you struggle makes me laugh.
A dolphin: To replace the one lost.
A strawberry: Because you’re my Strawberry Shortcake.
A key: To my heart.
A symbol of infinity: Because I will love you...always.
I clasped the bracelet on my arms, which was hard to do through the blur of tears. After laying everything in the box neatly, I cradled it to my chest and headed back to my dorm. I had a lot of thinking to do.
Twenty - Four
Jay
I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans while pacing behind Benji. “Is she here yet?”
“Yeah.”
My heart nearly jumped from chest. “Really?”
“No! You just asked me that thirty seconds ago. Calm yo’ ass down.” He chuckled, then sipped his drink.
I punched the back of his shoulder, causing him to spill some on his shirt. “It’s not funny.”
He glared at me, running his tongue along the inside of his jaw. “You’re lucky Gabi’s coming or I’d make you go on stage with a swollen lip.”
Ignoring his threat, I went back to my pacing. I ran my hand over my scalp and let out a shaky breath. In less than ten minutes I’d be going on stage to profess my love to either Gabi, or an empty chair. I wasn’t sure which had my heart beating like I’d just finished a hundred-meter dash. If she didn’t show I’d like to think that I’d continue to pursue her, but if she really wanted nothing to do with me, I was lost. There was no me without Gabi, I needed her back in my life.
Benji grabbed my arm, forcing me to stop. “Will you calm down? You’re making me nervous. You told her nine, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Then can you at least wait until nine before you start freaking out?”
“What if she didn’t read the letter?” I grabbed the front of his shirt, and shook him. “I told you to stay and make sure she read it.” I released him and squeezed my eyes shut to take a calming breath. I should’ve just talked to her face to face instead of hiding like a coward.
“Jay.”
She had to come.
“Jay.”
I needed her.
“Jay!”
My eyes flew open, and I scowled at Benji. “What?”
He nodded to his right with a smirk on his face.
I turned in that direction, and my heart stopped.
Benji slapped my back and by a miracle it started again. “See. You worried for nothing.”
She was stunning in a light grey turtle neck sweater, black skinny jeans, and those swede boots she’d worn to the party. Her hair was swept up in a massive curly, but still somewhat frizzy, pony tail. She took the seat I’d begged the owner to reserve for her, and a minute later a waitress brought out the drink I’d ordered. Her favorite winter drink, warm apple cider with cinnamon and just a splash of cranberry juice.
She hadn’t spotted me yet, which was perfect. I’d failed to mention in the invitation that I’d be going on stage. I wanted to surprise her.
I watched her a moment longer as she glanced at her watch then took a slow sip of her drink. It amazed me how the simplest acts seemed like poetry in motion when she performed them.
The current poet finished, and everyone snapped their fingers for her. After she exited the stage, the announcer climbed up and started to speak.
My heart beat like an African tribal drum when he called my name.
Gabi’s wide eyed stare found and followed me until I sat on the stool. With a shaky breath, I lifted the mic. “This poem is titled, Excuse Me, First Love?, and is dedicated to an incredible woman here tonight.” My eyes locked on to hers, which were spilling tears, and I continued. “I know I messed up, and I deserve for you to hate me, but please…here me out.” The room was silent, and the lights dimmed as I began to pour my heart out in rhyme.
“Excuse me, First Love?
May I borrow your ear?
There’s a lot on my mind,
that I think you need to hear.
I took you for granted,
toyed with your soul.
I pushed you away,
and your absence left a hole.
Excuse me, First Love?
May I borrow your eyes?
I’m sorry for not realizing,
you were my blessing in disguise.
I almost had you,
but you slipped through my grasp.
And all that remained,
was the memory of your laugh.
Excuse me, First Love?
May I borrow your lips?
Your slender neck, your perfect smile,
the curve of your hips?
A beauty so deserving,
of a king to be.
I was damn lucky,
because you chose me.
Excuse me, First Love?
May I borrow your time?
I know it’s selfish to ask,
but I want you to be mine.
I would give you forever,
treat you only with respect.
You’d feel nothing but joy,
and never neglect.
Excuse me, First Love?
May I borrow your heart?
I guess what I’m asking...
is can we have fresh start?”
Sometime during the poem my eyes had closed as the words flowed from my heart. When I opened them again everyone was on their feet, but Gabi’s table was empty. I caught a flash of red hair and she rushed down the steps.
A hot tear rolled down my cheek, which I quickly brushed away, and then exited the stage.
Benji met me at our table, a deep frown etched on his face. “Damn. I’m sorry, bro.”
I collapsed in my chair and lowered my head to the table to hide the remainder of my tears.
He gave me a couple hard pats on the shoulder. “Come on, man. I’m taking you drinking.”
I wiped my face then turned to squint at him. “What? No, Benj. I’m going home.”
~ ♥ ~
My head was as low as it could possibly get as I closed the door to my dorm room and leaned against it. It was over. I’d messed around and waited too long again and now Gabi wanted nothing to do with me. I’d held her in my vision as I poured out my heart in words I thought I’d never say aloud. The tears running down her beautiful face burned my soul. I’d done that to her. Cut her so deep that no amount of stitches could repair the damage to her heart.
I’d always prided myself in being able to say I didn’t hate anyone, but right now I couldn’t even look myself in the eye. How could I dare face the man who’d hurt the most amazing person to ever exist, repeatedly? But then again, maybe I deserved to spend the rest of eternity in solitude, staring at the man in the mirror.
I shuffled over to my bed on dead limbs and collapsed onto my back, the ceiling my only companion as a hot tear rolled down the side of my face.
Sometime later a light knock on the door broke into my tormented silence. Couldn’t a man hate himself in peace? I closed my eyes, shutting off the world around me. The knock came again, followed by a soft voice from the other side.
“JJ?”
I bolted straight up, sure my ears had to be deceiving me. Somehow my limbs had turned to stone, because as much as I willed them to maneuver themselves to the door, they wouldn’t budge. Dare I hope that on the other side of my door stood the vision of beauty I wanted so desperately in my arms.
Something switched on in my brain, propelling me from the bed. I hustled to the door before the window of opportunity slipped through my fingers.
When I removed the two inches of wood separating us, her big brown eyes lifted to mine.
She shifted on her feet
, a strand of hair tucked between her delicate lips while she tapped something against her leg. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
Lifting the game in her hand, she graced me with a small smile. “I thought maybe you could finish showing me how to work that darn controller.”
I took the Donkey Kong case from her, and stepped aside so she could enter. My eyes roamed over her as she slipped off her boots and shrugged out of her coat. She’d changed and was now dressed in light blue sweat pants and a matching RCU sweatshirt, looking more beautiful than ever.
While she busied herself setting up the game system, I removed my own coat and boots which I hadn’t cared to do until now. After switching on the lamp I cut off the main light, and sat on the floor with my back against the dresser.
She finished her task and came to sit with me. I thought she’d take the spot next to me, but instead she crawled between my legs and leaned her back against my chest. Her move caught me off guard, but I wasn’t about to complain about the seating arrangement.
Wrapping my arms around her, I held onto her controller to get ready to play the game.
She pressed ‘A’, starting the level. “I liked your poem. Whoever you wrote it for must be one lucky girl.”
I rested my chin on her shoulder, guiding her hands when it came time to shake the controller. “Nah, I’m the lucky one.”
“I’m hot.” Her voice was barely above a whisper and held a husky quality to it. Sexy. She paused the game and sat the controller between her legs. Leaning away from me, she pulled up her shirt, and lifted it over her head. The tank top she wore beneath rose with it, revealing the smooth skin of her back. She corrected the shirt then leaned against me again.
Excuse Me, First Love (College Daze #1) Page 22