by Kat Mizera
The first week of any new tour was both exciting and miserable. New routine for sound check, travel, hotels, everything. New show. New group backstage. Even new roadies since we couldn’t go on a tour at this level without hiring more help. Lance was a tour manager, not a guitar or drum tech, though he did those jobs as well when it had been just us. Now he had a lot of irons in the fire and we’d brought in new roadies. Tyler had brought back Rico, Bash hired back his old drum tech from Pretty Harts, and Ford and I shared a guitar tech named Paul Haverty, whom I’d worked with in Waking Wonder. Lance took care of Lexi’s microphones and made sure she had what she needed since she was pretty self-sufficient.
It was a skeleton crew but we had what we needed and weren’t spending a ton on salaries. Casey said album sales had picked up over the summer and we were actually in the black for the album and summer tour. We’d agreed as a band that we would roll most of that profit into this tour because we’d desperately needed help. We couldn’t play the high-energy shows we played while also setting up and breaking down, especially after the show because Onyx Knight wanted us off the stage as quickly as possible.
So far, though I missed Lindsay, we talked multiple times a day and were both too busy to worry about it. I’d been dodging groupies right and left after the shows, but Bash and Ford seemed to be doing more than their fair share in that department. Three or four a night sometimes, which seemed a bit extreme, but what did I know? I was falling in love, so my view of groupies was probably a little skewed at the moment.
Love.
Other than with my grandmother, I hadn’t used that term in a long time. I also hadn’t thought I’d ever feel it again, but Lindsay had changed everything I thought I knew about myself. She’d made me believe that I could get beyond what had happened to me, that people would love and trust me again. My band had started to make me believe in myself, but Lindsay had filled my world in ways music never had. Her strength, her trust—her love. We hadn’t used the words yet, but it was always there, simmering just beneath the surface, even though we hadn’t been together that long.
Groupies held no allure for me now and while I’d thought I might have trouble saying no, that was the furthest thing from the truth. Mostly, I spent the nights we weren’t on the road, talking dirty to Lindsay on the phone while I jerked off. She was too shy to send me nude photos, but she wasn’t averse to live videos, so sometimes we did that too. She loved her job and I loved mine, which meant we had to make the sacrifice now. I wasn’t sure what the future held for us, because I planned to be making music and touring as long as there was money involved, and she had big plans working with Madeline.
It wasn’t all rosy, though. I was proud of her, but the opportunities that would open up for her while working for a powerhouse like Madeline made me a little nervous. Where would I fit into her plans when she was running her own law firm someday? Was there even room for a felon like me in her life? I never said these things aloud, because there were no answers, but I couldn’t help but think them sometimes. A lot of it probably was my own insecurities because Lindsay was going to be a kick-ass lawyer, so I still didn’t understand what she saw in me.
I’d been in a bit of a funk the last couple of days, going from the high of playing to the lows of the drudgery of touring, when Lindsay’s name flashed on my phone. I smiled as I answered, leaning back in bed in my hotel room in Chicago. “Hallo, love.”
“Hey, babe. Do you have a few minutes?”
“Of course.”
“So I’ve been doing some research and while you might be a little annoyed with me at first, please let me tell you everything before you get mad.”
“Uh-oh.” I chuckled good-naturedly. “What have you done, lass?”
“Well, for starters, I read the transcripts of the trial.”
“You did what?” I sat up straight, frowning.
“I know, I’m sorry, but the attorney in me couldn’t help it and you wouldn’t talk to me, Stu. I just wanted to understand what happened, why the jury found you guilty. Especially since my gut told me it wasn’t as cut-and-dried as it sounded.”
“And what did you discover?” I asked, keeping my voice level even though I was more than just a little annoyed.
“You weren’t driving, Stu. Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“I spent months saying it,” I said quietly. “Over and over and over. No one listened then and now it’s too late and I’m done with it.”
“But it’s not! Don’t you see? Even though you already did your time, if we can get Gavin to come forward, the conviction could be overturned and your—”
“My what?” I interrupted angrily. “What are you talking about? What is the point of all this? I’ve already served my bloody time. You going to get that back for me? They going to give me back that time I spent being someone’s bitch behind bars, Lindsay?”
“Stu, I know you’re upset, but really, I just—”
“You’re just like everyone else, aren’t you? Bloody fucking hell. I’ve told you a thousand times I just want to let it go and people like you are the ones who won’t let me. Is this about me or is it about you? Answer that question.”
“What are you talking about? Of course, it’s not about me!”
“No? Now that you work for the big, fancy law firm, you’re suddenly interested in clearing my name? Why’s that? Because you’re ashamed to be with a felon? That it? Worried your career might take a hit by sleeping with a murderer?” I was probably being a dick, but I was furious. I’d asked her repeatedly not to dig deeper, to leave this alone. The only way I hung on to my sanity was by keeping it in the past, and now she’d gone and done who knows what under the guise of clearing my name.
“Stu, that’s not it and you know it. I just want to let people know you’re not the villain they’re making you out to be and we could—”
“That’s not your right or your place. I don’t care what people think of me beyond my small inner circle.”
“How can you not? It could impact your career, your future, everything you do.”
“Ah, there it is. Worried about my career. Is it about money, lass?”
“Come on, don’t be this way. I know you’re upset, but I’m trying to help. You don’t have to insult me because you’re mad.”
“Oh, I’m not mad—I’m fucking furious. You betrayed me in the worst way possible.”
“How did finding out the truth betray you?” she demanded. “It’s public record!”
“Who did you tell?”
“What?”
“Who did you talk to about what you found out?”
“Well, Madeline already knew because she did a background check on everyone in the band before she agreed to represent Random Hart Records.”
“And?”
“And what? Who do you think I would have told? The only person I reached out to was Gavin and—”
“You reached out to Gavin?!” My head was about to explode and I was up and off the bed, pacing. “Are you kidding me? What the hell could you have talked to him about?!”
“About telling the truth?” Her voice was raised too. “Why does he get to ride off in the sunset, living his life, after what you went through? He didn’t even testify, the coward!”
“I don’t know what you did, or what you’re thinking of doing, but don’t. Just fucking don’t. Don’t talk to Gavin, don’t talk to my family, just leave it the fuck alone. Frankly, you can leave me alone at this point too.”
“Stu, you can’t mean that.”
“I do. We’re done, Lindsay. If I can’t trust you, there’s no way for us to be together, and frankly, being faithful on the road isn’t for me. I was going to bring it up anyway. Now you’ve just hurried things along. So do me a favor and stay out of my business, yeah?”
“I’m…sorry.” For the first time, her voice broke a little, as if she’d truly believed she would bring me around to her way of thinking until this moment. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Hurt me? You don’t have the power to hurt me, Linz. You were nothing but a fun distraction, but now that you’ve gotten in my business, it’s time for me to move on. So that’s it then. Take care.” I disconnected, throwing my phone onto the bed and watching it bounce.
I paced for a while, frustrated beyond belief that she’d actually reached out to Gavin. Had she talked to him? What the hell had she been thinking? Gavin hadn’t stood up for me when it mattered, so why in hell would he do it now? And to what end? Nothing would get back the time or indignities I’d endured in prison, and even if my conviction was overturned, no one was returning the million dollars I’d paid to Freddie’s family. All in all, it had been a betrayal of my trust and a spectacular waste of time.
Growling in frustration, I grabbed my wallet and headed down to the bar. I needed a drink. Maybe even some female companionship.
I woke up with a raging headache and someone pounding on my hotel room door. I didn’t even remember getting back to my room and I let out a hiss of frustration as I lumbered to my feet, taking three painful steps to the door before throwing it open.
“What?!”
Ariel and Tyler stood there with what looked like coffee and what smelled like bagels.
“Someone’s hungover, I see.” Ariel brushed past me and into the room with Tyler following more slowly.
“Bloody hell.” I rubbed my head and went back to bed. I was still wearing last night’s clothes and felt like tiny bombs were going off behind my eyes, but it was better when I wasn’t moving. And they weren’t talking. But of course, they were talking.
“You want to tell us what went on last night?” Tyler asked. “I mean, hotel security called to tell me you fell asleep at the bar.”
“Sorry ‘bout that,” I muttered. “I guess I tied one on.”
“You guess?” Ariel arched her brows. “Well, we have a show tonight, so you need to hydrate, caffeinate, and sweat it out. So let’s get some food into you.”
“Can you just let me sleep?” I grumbled. “I’ll be fine by sound check.”
“Nope. Come on.” She pulled the pillow out from under my head.
“What the fuck?” I sat up, rubbing my eyes. “Bash and Ford get shit-faced every goddamn night and you don’t harass them.”
“They aren’t on probation and they didn’t ask me to make sure they didn’t get into any trouble until it was done.” She’d folded her arms and was tapping her foot. “And since you’re in no shape to make rational decisions, I’m doing what you asked me to do.”
“Christ.” I sat up, since I had asked her to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid while on tour. Getting drunk at the bar wasn’t that stupid, was it?
She put a cup of black coffee in my hand and opened the bag of bagels. “I have plain, everything, and cinnamon raisin. What’s your poison?”
“Plain,” I said, taking a sip of coffee. It was strong as fuck and I shook my head, getting to my feet and padding into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I relieved my bladder and washed up before going back out to the room, where Ariel and Tyler were eating bagels slathered in cream cheese.
“So what happened?” she asked. “What made you go down to the bar by yourself last night?”
I took another sip of coffee. “Just felt like it.”
“Uh-huh.” She arched one perfectly shaped brow into an upside-down U. “You do remember who I am, right? Your friend? One of the people who counted on you when she was in legal trouble. So don’t play your word games with me.”
I blew out a breath. Jesus, having relationships was hard. No wonder I tended to avoid them like the plague.
“Lindsay and I…broke up.”
“Ouch.” Tyler grimaced.
“What happened?” Ariel asked.
I shook my head. “Nah, not going there. We had a disagreement and I realized I wasn’t ready for all this serious nonsense. I’m not a serious kind of guy. Better for us to end it now rather than draw it out.”
“Now there’s a bullshit excuse if I ever heard one,” Tyler said, chuckling. “But it’s cool. You don’t have to tell us your private business.”
“Is Lexi going to cut my balls off next time I fall asleep on the bus?” I asked dryly.
“Not unless you hit Lindsay or called her fat,” Ariel said.
I scowled. “Seriously? If you think that little of me, you should get out.”
“I’m just saying,” Ariel said. “Lexi knew there was a chance it wouldn’t work out between you and Lindsay, but those are the two things that would send her over the edge.”
“Well, if I ever laid a hand on Lindsay, or any woman, she’d have every right to take a knife to my balls,” I said, taking a bite of the bagel. “And regardless of what some men think, Lindsay isn’t fat, so why would I say that? Just had some differences of opinion about life going forward, that’s all. Nothing ugly.” Well, not too ugly, but I’d probably been more of a jerk than I should have been. It was just exhausting.
“She bring up the M-word?” Ariel asked.
“The what?”
“The M-word. You know, marriage.”
“Look, let it go, yeah? I’m not going to talk bad about her, and I know you lasses talk, so I’m sure you’ll get the story from her if you really want it.”
“Probably, but you’re my friend too, and we were friends first. If you want to talk about anything, I’m not going to tell her if you ask me not to.”
“It’s not a guy thing,” I replied, peering at her over the top of my coffee cup. “The end of a casual relationship doesn’t impact us the way it does you ladies. Well, not me anyway. Maybe other blokes, but I’m good.”
“Then why’d you get shit-faced by yourself at the bar last night?”
“Just because I don’t want to talk about my feelings doesn’t mean I don’t have them.”
There was silence in the room as Ariel continued to watch me. Tyler focused on his bagel and I pretended not to notice them holding back whatever it was they wanted to say. It was better this way, though. I’d been struggling with my growing feelings for Lindsay and this was a stark reminder I couldn’t trust anyone. Not really. I’d started to let my guard down, especially with my bandmates, but that ended now. I had no use for emotions and the only way forward was to keep a bit of distance from everyone. That was how I’d survived until now and it would be the only way going forward.
27
Lindsay
The breakup with Stu didn’t hit me for a few days. I’d been positive he would sleep on it, realize he’d overreacted, and reach out. But it didn’t happen. And as the first few days turned into a week, it became clear he was beyond pissed and we were done. I wanted to cry, because losing Stu was going to gut me, but I was too angry right now. I hadn’t done anything wrong. Trial transcripts were public record and the only people I’d spoken to were Madeline, who’d already known, and Gavin, who also already knew what had happened that night.
He’d been noncommittal on the phone, saying he didn’t want to dredge up the past, let sleeping dogs lie, that kind of bullshit, and I’d let it go, but I knew from the sound of his voice he’d started to think. I’d pointed out how much damage Stu’s reputation had endured, how this would continue to haunt him potentially forever, and how Gavin making a statement could go a long way toward healing. Stu had been betrayed by almost everyone he trusted, and I was far more worried about his mental health than anything else.
I loved him more than anything, even after just a few short months together, but his demons haunted him day and night. I saw it, felt it, and sensed it from him on a regular basis. He struggled to open up, to make friends, to get back to living. Even with me, it was mostly just the two of us, unless we included the band. Beyond that, he had no friends, no social circle, and even his relationship with his family was strained. There had been a glimmer of healing with Stephen, but I hated watching him suffer.
He’d never given me details, but what he’d said that night on
the phone hurt my soul even now.
They going to give me back that time I spent being someone’s bitch behind bars, Lindsay?
I cringed at the brutality of his words, the deep-seated pain, and the mental image. What did that mean, exactly? He’d told me early on that he’d set limits with that guy who’d protected him, but now I had so many more questions and my resolve to help him hadn’t gone away even though it should have. I needed to call, apologize, swear I’d never do it again, but one of the reasons I’d gotten into law was because I had so much respect for our legal system. The fact that it had broken down so badly in this case bothered me and I couldn’t stop thinking about fixing it.
But at what cost? Was I willing to give him up just to clear his name? And was it already too late?
The good news was that Madeline kept me far too busy to think about my personal relationship with Stu and most nights I fell asleep the second my head hit the pillow. I hadn’t talked to Lexi since it happened either, so today on my lunch break, I called her.
“Hey, stranger!” She sounded happy to hear from me.
“You busy?”
“No, we’re off today. We’re on the bus traveling to Nashville.”
“Okay, well, then I’ll do most of the talking and you can listen because I’m assuming Stu will be able to hear you.”
“In general, yeah.”
“Did he tell you we broke up?”
“No, but I knew.”
“Ariel?”
“Exactly.”
“Did he tell her what happened?”
“Zero.”
“Well, I’ll fill you in, I guess.” I told her what I’d done and how Stu had reacted.
“Christ, girlfriend.”
“I know.” I sighed. “So just answer yes or no since people can hear you. Do you, personally, think I fucked up?”
“No.”
“Do you think he overreacted?”
“No.”
Ouch. I hadn’t been expecting that one. “You don’t?”
“Nope.”
“Ugh. We have to talk when you’re alone.”