by RJ Blain
I growled, hooked my front claws into the collar, and pulled.
“I’d take it off if I could. Richard won’t let Elliot go to the lodge to take it off you. Richard’s really stupid sometimes, but don’t tell him I told you that. When it comes to wolfsbane, he’s paranoid. He deals with rutting male Fenerec all winter, so he completely forgets human witches don’t rut like we do, not with the same intensity. Rutting Fenerec don’t make wise decisions, and Richard seems to think His Eminence is incapable of restraint.”
Without a single idea what Frank was talking about or why, I blinked and stared at him.
Frank closed his eyes, sighed, and rubbed his brow. “Right. Richard told me you were a little dense and hadn’t gone into rut yet. Now I’m the one being stupid. You have a weak, undeveloped mating bond with Elliot. You’re dosed with a high quantity of wolfsbane, and Richard has no idea when it’ll wear off. The easiest way to ensure Elliot can’t take advantage of the situation without your consent is to keep you two separated. Since Elliot knows the way from Richard’s house to the lodge, Richard doesn’t want Elliot trying something, not with two sick puppies to care for. Richard’s solution to wolfsbane during the rut is solitary confinement.”
Shock, dismay, and disbelief slammed into me and stunned me into breathless gaping. I rejected the idea Elliot would even consider such a tactic.
The sickening realization Markus would sank in, and a shudder ran through me.
My wolf woke, and as her presence in my head strengthened, she left me with no doubt of her opinion: she was disappointed Elliot hadn’t.
“I thought it was pretty stupid myself. You’d think the puppies were His Eminence’s by the way he’s behaving like a typical Fenerec male. Mating is so far off his radar right now Richard would have to purposefully induce the rut on the pair of you—or leave you unsupervised at the other end of the house from the puppies. Richard’s poured out the gasoline and has been playing with matches by separating you two. But no, no one listens to me. I’m just the Third. I sometimes think I’m the only one in the pack with my head screwed on straight. I’m just going to blame the presence of so many submissive Fenerec. Submissive Fenerec make dominants lose their shit, and unless I’m way off my mark, both of your puppies are submissive.”
I nodded.
“Anyone with half a brain understands why you’re upset. Your puppies were taken from you. Richard’s been in knots the entire time, which makes him volatile at best. Richard’s so used to dealing with Fenerec males he hasn’t clued in Elliot can’t smell if another male has been near you. I tried to tell him, but no one has stopped long enough to listen to me.”
Huffing my annoyance, I lurched to my paws, staggered a few steps, and shook the snow from my coat. My entire body ached, and jumping from the rock to the snow was enough to make me groan.
“Richard’s really bothered you didn’t seem interested in seeing the puppies. You know what I think? I think you need to sit down and have a long talk with someone. I’m volunteering. My mate and puppy are at the lodge, and we’re halfway between the lodge and town. Why don’t I take you to my house? It’s a bit closer than the lodge, I’ve got plenty of clothes you can wear, and I’ll be the only Fenerec there to trigger your allergies. You can take all the time you need. Sound good?”
I didn’t hesitate long before I nodded and hopped onto the back of Frank’s snowmobile, cramming myself against the rack so I wouldn’t fall off the seat.
By the time Frank parked the snowmobile in front of a two-story house with a long driveway and not a single hint of civilization nearby, I had frozen into a wolf-shaped ice statue. Frank killed the engine, slid off the machine, pried me off the back seat, and tossed me over his shoulder as though I weighed nothing.
Without dropping me or his keys, he unlocked the front door, kicked his way inside, and set me on a bench flanking the entry. The house’s warmth penetrated my fur, and I groaned when the first tingles of thawing hit.
Frank stripped out of his snowsuit, revealing jeans and an old t-shirt beneath. After hanging everything to dry, he knelt beside me, running his hands over my coat. “You really are frozen solid, eh? I may not be as dominant as Richard or Alex, but I’ve had so much practice forcing Richard through shifts I can handle anything you throw at me.”
Not shifting at all had been my solution to my struggles with returning to human form, but without Samantha, it had become harder and harder to resist the moon’s call. One day, no matter how hard my wolf worked to prevent it, I’d become a wolf with no memory of ever having been a human.
I wanted Samantha back, but she’d never return. One day soon, I needed a witch, or my wolf and I would die.
Other Fenerec might’ve been insulted by Frank’s implication I couldn’t shift on my own, but he was right. I sighed and nodded.
Frank carried me to a spacious bathroom on the second floor, grabbed several towels and a bathrobe, and started filling the tub with steaming water. When he focused his attention back to me, I tensed.
I appreciated how Frank wasted no time coercing my uncooperative body to shift from wolf to woman. Time lost meaning in the haze of pain, but judging from Frank’s satisfied grunt, it hadn’t taken me too long to make the transition.
The transformation left me exhausted and shivering, and I needed Frank’s help to make it into the tub. I slid into the warm, bubbly water with a low groan.
“Southern-bred Fenerec shouldn’t play outside when it’s forty below.”
“British,” I corrected.
“To us, that is southern.” Frank chuckled, sat on the edge of the tub, and grabbed an unlabeled white bottle from the basket on the nearby vanity. “Your hair is a disaster, Vicky. I’ve seen a lot of girls with tangled messes, but yours is taking the top prize.”
“Take scissors to it for all I care.”
Frank laughed. “Why don’t we try washing and conditioning it, first?”
“It’s just hair. It’ll grow back.”
“In its current state, I’d have to get my razor and shave your head. It’s that bad.”
“Tempting.”
Frank set the bottle beside me. “If I can’t get it tamed within an hour, I’ll pull out the scissors, massacre your head, and let Richard deal with turning it into something presentable later.”
I could deal with an hour of someone pulling on my hair, especially if it meant I wouldn’t have to do it myself. Then again, if I had to, I would. If the knots wouldn’t brush out, I’d put my Fenerec strength to good use and rip them out. “Deal.”
“And while I’m working, perhaps you can explain why you decided taking a run when it’s so cold out was a good idea? Fenerec or not, you could’ve frozen to death out there, and with that blizzard blowing in, no one would’ve found you until the spring.”
Would telling Frank help, or would he lie like Richard had? “It’s my fault.”
“Ah. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard in the past month, I’d be a very rich man. Richard’s the worst offender, and given a few days, I suspect you’ll be a strong contender. Alphas. They’re only happy if everything is perfect in their world. When it isn’t, they blame themselves first, no matter what the situation is.”
“It was my idea. It’s my fault Nicole and Dante—”
Frank pressed a finger to my mouth. “You’re at fault, yes. So is Dante, and so is Nicole. Richard’s at fault, too, as is His Eminence. If you want to be honest in the spread of guilt, Amber and Lisa are responsible as well. It wasn’t a one-person plan. Richard told me you had informed Mr. Dupree of your activities.”
“It’s true.”
Grabbing a second bottle from the basket, Frank offered it to me. “Wash your hair with that. Smells terrible, but it’ll help get the knots out.”
Tackling the chore of shampooing my hair gave me time to think. I could accept sharing the blame, although I couldn’t shake the nagging doubts none of it would have happened if it hadn’t been for me.
If
my memories fully returned, how much deeper would my guilt cut into me?
While I went through the motions of rinsing the soap out, Frank kept a watch on the bathroom door. “I reminded Richard he’s spent the past few years notifying his leash holder of his whereabouts and schedule. He bit me. Alphas don’t like when uppity Thirds tell them they’re being hypocritical. And, of course, all I ended up doing was triggering another wave of the blame game. Richard and His Eminence battling for the title of most responsible was bad enough, but then Alex, Lisa, and Amber joined in. I think the only one who hasn’t participated is Evelyn. She’s got the patience of a saint. Most bitches would’ve already put the males in their place and snarled at the other females until they settled down.”
A memory surface, and I flinched as the ramifications smothered me.
Evelyn was pregnant with Dante’s puppy.
I swallowed. “Evelyn and Jacqueline. How have they taken the news?”
“Evelyn believes her mate is out there somewhere, still alive. Considering how strong of an earth witch he is, she’s probably right. Mating bonds come in varying intensities, and theirs is among the strongest I’ve ever seen. If he dies, she’ll know. Until she gives up hope, I won’t, either. Jackie doesn’t tolerate anyone even suggesting her daddy isn’t coming home. I suppose Evelyn doesn’t need to put anyone in their place—Jackie’s doing the job just fine. If you’re lucky, you’ll only get bit. Otherwise, you’re in for a lecture. Jackie’s lectures consist entirely of curses.”
“But it’s true. It’s our fault.”
Frank sighed and shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. Jackie doesn’t care who is to blame. She just wants her daddy to come home.”
I did, too.
“So, you played a part in what happened. Hell, Vicky. I’m guilty, too. Richard talked to me about it, and I didn’t see any problems with your idea. Basin needs to be dealt with, and you were trying to find solutions. It blew up in our faces. What we need to figure out now is how we’re going to retaliate and get our pack back.”
“I don’t remember anything,” I confessed, staring at the sudsy water.
“I know. They told me you have some pretty extensive memory loss. The problem is, Richard’ll treat it like he did with Nicole, and you two aren’t cut from the same cloth. Nicole? She got angry. She’d go to the range and shoot until they kicked her out. There are still a few holes in the walls Richard refuses to have fixed because she started to remember something about him and snapped, going on a rampage.”
“What sort of rampage are you talking about? She’d run wild?”
Frank snorted. “I think she’d be less dangerous wild. Seriously, the woman’s a living lightning rod, and when she wasn’t zapping her mate over some offense she remembered, she’d set something on fire without meaning to. It’s a damned good thing Amber’s a fire witch, else Richard would have had to rebuild his house ten times over.”
“Oh.” I thought about it, wondering if Nicole’s experience would offer any clues on how to remember what I’d forgotten. Could I help everyone find Nicole and Dante if I remembered more about what had happened? “What did she do?”
“She ran and chased after every little fragment of lost memory until she found it, made it hers, and to hell with anyone who got in her way. She’d often remember something about a place and run away to investigate. If she didn’t find what she was looking for, her temper would flare. You’re not Nicole. You’ll probably get angry, too, but Richard expects to be a rock for you to pummel on until you feel better. I get the feeling you aren’t the pummeling kind. You’re the run and hide kind, because you’re a rogue who has spent all your life running and hiding. You’re not the first rogue to end up in our pack. Richard was one, too, until he took over and became our Alpha.”
I doubted I would ever understand pack Fenerec. “Why would I pummel Richard?”
“Because you’re a cranky bitch? If a bitch isn’t biting or snarling because things aren’t to her liking, us males get nervous. A sly bitch is making trouble for someone, usually her mate. Maybe there are more of us males, but bitches rule the den, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
I blinked. “What?”
Frank turned away from his door guarding to stare at me. “What do you mean by what?”
“The Alpha actually lets the females make decisions in the pack?”
Despite the perfumes in the soaps and shampoo, I could smell Frank’s astonishment. “I thought you understood how packs work.”
I hated thinking about the pack I had belonged to but hadn’t been a part of. “I was six or seven—maybe eight—when I was sold to a Quebec pack. I’d been brought in to be groomed as the Alpha’s mate.”
Frank’s eyes widened. “Pardon me, but did you just say sold?”
“I thought that’s how all packs got their bitches. Traded away males for them, or bought—”
“Absolutely not!”
I shut my mouth, clacking my teeth together.
“Well, fuck. That explains a lot. Evelyn said you were traditional, but I think our definition of traditional might be a bit different from what Evelyn meant. She’s got a bear trap for a mouth, and the only position hers is ever in is snapped shut!”
“That’s not what I remember. She was talkative enough.”
“That’s not what I meant. Sorry. We’re all a little frustrated. Evelyn doesn’t like talking about the past. All we know is that she knew your mother, and that she believes you were brought up in a very traditional fashion. I think the only reason she gave us that little bit is because Elliot had asked her, and she adores him almost as much as his twin—and no, she’s not interested in Elliot like that. He’s family.” Frank paused. “You’re family, too. But, she won’t interfere. She says it’s not her business.”
“I don’t like the past, either,” I muttered, regretting I had told Frank anything.
“All right. I want to understand where we’re going wrong. Pack is supposed to be for everyone, and if we don’t understand what you need from us, it’ll be harder for you to fit in, especially if your allergies are in remission enough for you to come to the lodge without wheezing.”
“You’re not doing anything wrong.”
“Vicky, we’re obviously doing something wrong, or you wouldn’t smell so anxious every time anyone other than Elliot comes too close to you. You get along with Nicole, which is a miracle, but you don’t get along with any of the other bitches, who are far easier to get along with. Biting Lisa’s cat didn’t help, but I think every other member of the pack adores you for standing up to that demonic little piece of shit.”
“Little?”
“I hate that cat,” Frank muttered. “Nice deflection attempt, but while you might get away with that with Richard, it won’t work on me. We want you to be a part of the pack. We’re just used to having a lot of submissive Fenerec around, and the way we deal with them is to let them come to us. We back off when they’re too anxious and wait until they’re ready to open up. You’re easily on par with Nicole when you decide to throw your weight around, but you hold back. You’re an Alpha, but you’ve sidelined yourself, and we don’t understand why.”
I sighed. My wolf lurked in my head, curious about Frank and hopeful for something, though I couldn’t tell what.
“I’ve never actually been in a pack before.”
“Trust me, we figured that out pretty quickly, which actually has me confused, because you said something about a Quebec pack?”
It hurt thinking about the old days, when it had taken months to cross the ocean instead of hours, long before the invention of the automobile. Instead of the memories I longed for, the ones that might lead me to Dante and Nicole, I carried the scars of a past long gone, and their clarity pained me. “Only mated bitches were allowed in the pack, and only if the Alpha permitted it.”
“How many mated males were in the pack?”
I shrugged. “I was supposed to be the first female for them, when I was old
enough for the Alpha’s liking.”
Frank’s cheek twitched, and he narrowed his eyes. “You were bought because of your pedigree. How else to give a pack standing than to have someone like you as the Alpha female?”
Shaking my head, I sighed and wondered when the times had changed—and how long ago I could have been in a pack without existing as a possession. “An Alpha’s bitch, but not an Alpha.”
“No matter how dominant or submissive a bitch is, when she’s mated to the Alpha, she’s the Alpha female. If the Alpha female happens to be the leader of the pack, her mate becomes the Alpha male, no matter how submissive or dominant he might be. Most packs have an Alpha male as the leader rather than an Alpha female, though there are a few.”
I hated change, especially when it caught me by surprise. “That’s not how it used to be.”
“Right. So, you were taught only select females were welcomed within the pack, and even if she was granted pack bonds, it was conditional. Am I correct?”
When I hesitated, Frank waited in patient silence.
My guilt and uncertainty drove me into saying, “I didn’t belong to them long.”
Frank’s eyes widened. “Oh, shit. We’ve been saying you belong to Yellowknife, haven’t we? Jesus fucking Christ in a bucket. Everyone belongs to the pack, Vicky, even Richard—especially Richard. Of all of us, if anyone is pack property, it’s him. That’s his role. He’s the one who binds us all together. We mean you’re part of the pack and wanted, not that you’re property.”
How had I reacted to the pack? The memories were lost to me, just like the ones involving Nicole, Dante, and the failed operation. Had my allergies kept me away, or had I used them as an excuse to hide?
Probably both.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.