“What’s stopping you?”
“Probably myself,” she said. “When I got my first book deal, it was so exciting. It came right after Chad got hurt.”
Elena stopped and stared.
“It’s okay,” I said. “We’re just talking. Our world is never going to exist without Chad being in it. As shitty as that is.”
We both laughed.
“Right,” she said. “He got surgery and was told he’d never play baseball again. It was a dark time for him. And us. But then I got this book deal. It was going to be amazing. I was due to follow up with another novel. That didn’t happen.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“Depends on who you ask.”
I raised an eyebrow. “What does that mean?”
“Well, if you ask me, I just didn’t have it in me. At that time. I couldn’t focus. Think. I was just… stuck. I was taking care of Chad through so much and keeping him from getting depressed and staying there. If you ask Chad, he would say I’m not a real writer. Or that I should have been doing other things while he was recovering. Even my mother, for the flake that she is, she always hated what I did.”
Elena sighed.
I reached across the table and touched her right hand. “Hey. As long as you believe, who cares?”
“Easy for you to say. You have everything you could ever want and need right here.”
I thought about my shoulder. About the pills hidden in my desk. I glanced over at Chris.
Keeping dark secrets was one thing I was damn good at.
I stood up and put my napkin onto my plate. “I’m good here. I’m going to go for a ride. Meet you at my place?”
“I walked.”
“You walked all the way here?”
“It wasn’t that far,” she said, looking up at me.
Her eyes would sometimes glow like emerald diamonds. And I wished I could make her have that look all the time.
“Okay. Well, if you come with me, we have to make a quick stop.”
“A quick stop where?”
“You’ll see.”
* * *
I pulled my truck to the side of the road right near the edge of town. It was where the houses finally stopped and it became a long and winding road of trees that lead north into the next town. In the fall, it was an amazing road to cruise along, watching the leaves change. In the winter, it was sometimes impossible to navigate because of the snow or trees coming down on it.
“What is this?” Elena asked.
I pointed out her side of the truck. “There’s a small clearing right through there. That’s where Charles lives.”
“Charles?”
“Come on,” I said.
I reached back and grabbed a bag of food.
I got out of the truck and walked around to Elena’s side.
After I gave a quick whistle, there was movement from in the trees. Elena caught my arm and pulled herself close to me.
“Adam?”
“Relax,” I whispered.
Charles appeared from the woods, wearing the same clothes as he always wore. A suit jacket that was ripped, sewed, and ripped again. Tattered black pants and old shoes that were once white. His facial hair was getting pretty wild, but his kind eyes were always the same.
“Adam,” he said as he walked with a slight limp.
“Charles,” I said. “Brought you something to eat.”
“Ah, look at that,” Charles said. He clapped his hands together. “And to think I was just telling myself I was getting a bit hungry.”
“You know I’d never leave you to go hungry,” I said. “I want you to meet a friend of mine. This is Elena. She’s a writer, just like you.”
“A writer,” he said. “Well, Miss Elena, what an honor to meet another creator of words. Nobody understands what we do but us, right?”
Charles aged hand was wrinkled, vein filled, and just plain dirty. The sight of him could be harrowing, but if you gave the guy a minute, you’d realize there was so much more to him than just being homeless.
Elena shook his hand without hesitation. “Nice to meet you.”
“Do you explore the world of novels or what?”
“Yes,” Elena said. “Novels.”
“She had a book published,” I said. “And came up here to write a second book.”
“Well, this place is good for that,” Charles said. “Inspiration is all around. You just look and then take it.”
He snapped his fingers and touched the side of his head.
Yeah, he was a bit eccentric… or weird.
“Here you go, friend,” I said to him and offered the bag of food.
“What’s on the menu today?” he asked with a big smile.
“Some roasted turkey,” I said.
“With gravy and corn?”
“And bread and cranberry sauce.”
Charles put his head back. “Such a gift. Thank you, Adam.”
“Anytime, friend,” I said.
“If you don’t mind, I’m going to get back to work myself,” he said. “The muse is chatting away. Isn’t that right, Miss Elena?”
Elena smiled. “Mine’s not so loud right now.”
“That’s because you’re thinking too much,” Charles said. “You’re drowning out the muse. Respectfully speaking, you need to shut up and listen.”
“That’s good advice,” Elena said. “I might just try that.”
“Always a pleasure to meet a fellow word master,” he said.
He offered his dirty hand again and Elena shook it. Then Charles set his sights on me.
“You take good care,” I said to him. “I like the beard. But if you want to get cleaned up, you let me know and we’ll go down to Jonny’s. Okay?”
“Let me finish this book first and we’ll talk.”
Charles gave us a salute and turned to walk into the woods.
Elena turned her head and looked up at me.
“My life isn’t perfect, sugar,” I said.
“You just gave a homeless man free food,” she said. “That’s amazing.”
“That man saved my ass.”
“What?”
I nodded for the truck.
I made a U-turn and checked the mirror, knowing I’d never see Charles watching me leave.
“I was sleeping on a bench at one point in time,” I said. “Working at the diner. Hurting myself. And just barely getting by. It wasn’t easy. So I’d sit with Charles at night. We’d talk about life. He’s a veteran. Came back and tried to work and take care of his family and they were tragically killed in a car accident. He ended up losing everything he ever had. Except his manuscripts.”
“He really writes?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I’ve never read anything. I don’t know what he writes. But writing keeps him going.”
“You take care of him?”
“I do what I can. I bring him food when I can. He walks a lot. Through town and into other towns. I’m pretty sure everyone knows who he is. Everyone does their part to help him. Jonny gives him free haircuts and shaves. Althea at the laundromat will wash his clothes. It’s just one of those things.”
“That’s pretty amazing, Adam. You do that for someone.”
“He did a lot for me,” I said. “He talked me through a lot in my life during a really hard time. This is the least I can do. But what I’m trying to tell you, Elena, is that it’s not perfect here. Or anywhere. It’s just about finding the smallest piece of fucking happiness and keeping that as close as you can.”
I looked over at her.
She looked at me.
She moved her hand and hooked her pinky around my pinky.
“Will you take me home, Adam?”
The question hit me so hard. “What?”
“To the house,” she said. “You know where I’m talking about, right?”
“Your mother’s old house,” I said.
“Yeah. I just want to see it.”
I swallowed hard.
I would do anything for Elena. To help her through everything happening.
Even if it meant going to the place where I almost lost everything for good.
10
You Two Tonight
ELENA
(then)
My mother raced through the house for the tenth time in an hour. This time it had nothing to do with the party. It was for her cigarettes on the kitchen table.
I was in the bathroom checking my hair and making sure I looked my best. Tonight was my graduation party. It was crazy to think we were all done with high school. In some ways, it was like finally done… and in other ways, it was that went by really fast. I remembered back to ninth grade when Ashley slipped me a note in English class about how she and Timmy hooked up all the way. Fast forward four years and half of us were worried about college and half of us were wondering what the hell came next.
“Hey, baby girl, come with me for a smoke,” Mom said as she poked her head into the bathroom. “You look beautiful, by the way.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“Don’t worry about tonight. It’s going to be amazing. I have everything taken care of. Whoever drives has to give me their keys. I’m hiding all of them. I’ll keep an eye on everyone for you. This is your night.”
I forced a smile and left the bathroom.
Mom wrapped an arm around me and led me to the front porch.
She insisted on having this kind of party here. She wanted to be the cool mom in front of everyone.
I just wanted to see my friends and get it over with.
It used to be weird to smoke cigarettes with my mother, but it was kind of old news now. When she first caught me stealing cigarettes from her pack, she got mad at me. But when I showed her my classwork from the classes I was taking, trying to get into honors classes and thinking about college, she let it slide. It also worked to my advantage that at that time she had been talking to that asshole Dan again. There was a slight chance they were thinking about getting back together, but thankfully that fell through.
“Are you excited for tonight?” Mom asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“You don’t seem excited.”
“I am. I promise. It’s just… wow. You know? It’s all over.”
“Ah, baby girl, that’s okay,” she said. “You have your entire life ahead of you. Everything. Tonight… just be here. Okay? Do anything you want. Go a little crazy.”
“Meaning what?” I asked.
Mom shrugged her shoulders. “I know you and Chad have been together. In a lot of ways.”
“Oh, shit, Mom…”
My cheeks burned red.
She laughed. “I get it. Trust me. I get it. I know you’d talk to me if you had any questions. Just, you know, other people are going to be here tonight. If there was ever a doubt. Or a question. You know, about anyone else…”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“Nothing.”
“No. You’re hinting at something.”
“I just don’t want you to look back with any regret.”
“Why would I regret anything?” I asked.
Mom flicked her half-smoked cigarette off the porch and touched my hand. “I just always thought that you and that Adam guy had something going on. On the side.”
“Me cheating on Chad?”
“I don’t know if it really counts as cheating when you’re in high school. But… yeah.”
“Adam is basically my best friend.”
“I’m not sure a guy and girl can be best friends without something happening.”
Mom grinned and winked.
My cheeks burned even hotter.
She patted my hand and went back inside.
I smoked my cigarette, waiting for everyone to arrive.
And now I had the thought of hooking up with Adam in the back of my mind.
* * *
Chad went right down to the basement. That’s where they had all the beer and other stuff. It was just a bunch of baseball players telling the same old stories, debating on their futures, arguing over who was going to be richer. They were all going to college for free to play baseball while the rest of us were trying to figure out what the hell we wanted to do and what we should do.
Sitting in a circle on black folding chairs, in the center they had an old comforter for their beer to spill on as they took turns jamming a key into the side of a beer can, shotgunning one after another. Benny was already in the corner, sitting with his hands on his stomach, a smile on his face, looking half dead.
This was not quite the party I had envisioned. But as soon as Chad got wind that my mother was cool with whatever, he planned this out. His graduation party had been really calm and proper. His father’s business friends and his mother’s housewife friends all together, standing in their pampered backyard, discussing business and life. Gawking over everything Chad had ever done in his life. His mother had a little too much to drink and started telling all the cute embarrassing baby stories. Up until Chad’s father made her go inside. They argued and most of the party broke up.
It was definitely a lame graduation party, which was why he overtook mine now.
I stood on the bottom step of the rickety stairs and looked across the dirty, white stone basement. It smelled like dust and water, but nobody seemed to mind.
Chad threw his head back and drank an entire beer. Everyone cheered him on. When the can was empty, he threw it against the back wall, leaving a wet mark. He looked right at me, wiping his bottom lip.
He looked like a fucking moron, if you asked me.
Maybe two years ago this would have been cool to see. A cute tough guy, baseball player drinking. But not now. It was so dumb. I kept my mouth shut because soon enough we’d all be broken apart and doing our own thing.
Chad winked at me.
I waved for him to come toward me and he quickly just shook his head.
No.
No?
Fine.
He went right back to his friends and I went back upstairs.
I turned to sneak through the narrow doorway from the basement and saw Adam standing in the kitchen archway with a beer in his hand. The second he saw me, he put the beer down on the dining room table and walked toward me.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey,” I said.
“How’s it going down there?”
“About what you’d expect,” I said. I rolled my eyes. “Boys will be boys.”
Adam laughed. “Basically. It’s like the world is split in two right now.”
“How so?”
“The dumb jocks in the basement in love with each other. And then the dumb ass stoners outside watching a fire burn, thinking it’s going to show them the meaning of life.”
I laughed. “And where do you fit in, Adam?”
“I make my own path,” he said and made a line with his hand.
He was a mix of the two. A little drunk. A little high.
But the way he looked at me made me feel something in the pit of my belly. Sometimes it even made my toes curl. He just hung out with guys like Brad too much though. I never understood it, but at the same time, he didn’t understand why I was with Chad.
Sometimes I didn’t understand either.
“So what are you up to tonight?” Adam asked with a grin.
“Oh, you know, just partying,” I said. “Best graduation party ever.”
“I can see that,” he said.
Right on cue, my mother came from the living room, carrying a bunch of cups and empty beer cans. Of course she hurried to change her clothes. There was nothing wrong with the outfit she had been wearing, but she now needed to wear super tight jeans and a shirt that I’d never seen before. It was too low, too revealing, and there wasn’t a single person that hadn’t tried to look at her.
She stunk of four different body sprays. Not perfume. That was for her older men dates. The body spray was for the younger guys.
“Hey, Adam,” she said as she
breezed past.
“Mrs….”
“Di,” Mom said. “You know I don’t go by any of that other crap.”
She winked and disappeared.
“Di,” Adam said. “Forgot about that.”
I was embarrassed. So fucking embarrassed by my mother.
“Hey,” Adam said, touching my arm, “don’t worry about her. She’s crazy.”
“Beyond crazy,” I said.
The front door opened and in spilled a handful of girls. All of them I knew, although only a handful that I actually liked. But if there was one thing worse than a bunch of drunk jocks in the basement, it had to be a bunch of drunk giddy girls. All of them in spaghetti strap tops, bra straps showing, belly button piercings dangling, calling for attention, bumping shoulders as they walked and laughed. It was like a pack of hyenas rushing toward me and Adam.
I grabbed his wrist and motioned toward the steps.
“Yeah?” he asked.
I nodded.
We snuck up the stairs and went into my bedroom.
I shut the door and let out a breath.
“They’re annoying too,” I said.
“You know, Elena, this is supposed to be your party,” Adam said. “You should be having fun. Or at least doing what you want.”
“I am doing what I want,” I said. “Hanging out with you. You don’t mind, do you?”
“Not at all,” he said.
He sidestepped and leaned against my dresser.
This wasn’t weird or anything. He had been in my room a ton of times before. In fact, he helped me put my air conditioner in my window.
Through the floor I heard and felt the rumble of laughter.
“So what happens tomorrow?” Adam asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Just… life. It’s crazy. We’re done. We did it.”
“I don’t know yet,” I said. “I sort of wanted to change majors and go for English. Or Creative Writing. I want to write books. Like for real.”
“You should,” he said. “You’re really good at writing.”
“I don’t know. Mom says it’s sort of a waste of time. Like I should find a real career first and then do that.”
“What’s a real career?” he asked, laughing.
“Well, she went for nursing.”
“Yeah, two years ago.”
“But still. She did the chasing the dream thing and…”
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