The Place Where You Smile
ELENA
(then)
“Okay, I’m going to be gone until morning,” Mom said as she ran back to the bathroom, wrestling with an earring.
“That’s fine,” I said.
“I’ll leave money on the table. Get a pizza. Invite some girlfriends over. You didn't hear it from me, but I bought a bottle of vodka and it’s above the fridge.” She popped her head out of the bathroom. “No boys.”
“Mom…”
“I’m serious, Elena. No boys. No Chad. I’m sure you two are being safe, but you’re not playing house tonight. Not here.”
“I’m not having Chad over. He’s at a baseball event anyway. Some retreat thing.”
“Right,” Mom said. “Good.” She slowly smiled. “Do I need to check the basement?”
My cheeks burned hot. “What?”
“Is Adam in the basement?”
“Ohmygod, Mom, seriously? You know how bad it is for him, right?”
Mom came out of the bathroom and slid her hands down her tight dress. She looked like a forty-year-old trying to look fifteen again. It was really bad to see. She had nothing but one-night stand written all over herself. But that’s probably what she wanted.
I never understood it and I was too afraid to ask.
“How do I look?” she asked.
“You look good,” I lied. “Who’s the lucky guy?”
“If I told you, you’d get mad.”
“As long as it’s not Dan, I don’t care.”
Mom snorted. “It’s not Dan. I swear to you, Elena, it’s not Dan.”
“Please text me at some point, okay?”
“You’re such a good kid,” she said. “Growing into a beautiful young woman. You’re going to do amazing things when you grow up, Elena. I know it.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
She touched my face. “I was just messing about Adam, you know? I know he has a tough life over there. I knew his mother. She was always like that.”
“Like what?”
“Always changing her mind,” Mom said. “She’ll never change. And Adam is lucky to have a friend like you.”
“Yeah,” I said. “A friend like me.”
“Well, if there’s anything else there…”
“Mom, please.”
“Okay,” Mom said. “I was just saying…”
“You were just leaving.”
She grabbed her purse off the coffee table and dug through it for a messy twenty-dollar bill. As she bent to put it on the table, a pill bottle fell out of her purse.
“What’s that for?” I asked.
“Nothing,” she said.
She hurried to get the pill bottle and hide it.
“Mom,” I said. “What was that?”
“Nothing. Order pizza. Have a good night. Love you.”
She left the house and I went after her. “Mom, wait a second. Were those… drugs?”
Mom stopped and turned. “Elena, it’s not what you think. I know what I’m doing, okay? That’s why I’m going out and I’m staying somewhere.”
“I don’t like that stuff.”
“You don’t have to. But this is my life.”
“You’re my mother. You’re not supposed to…”
Mom frowned and cocked her head to the side. “What do you want, Elena? You want me to sit home tonight? Watch reruns on TV? Eat ice cream and get fat? Huh? Or do arts and crafts for your classes?”
I swallowed hard. “I… I…”
“I did that already,” Mom said. She touched my face. “I was the first one to sign up for everything when you were in elementary school. I made cookies and cupcakes. I read to your class. I volunteered. I worked two waitressing jobs to keep us afloat until you were older and I could get back into nursing school.”
The guilt bloomed in my chest.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“Don't be,” she said. “Love you.”
“Love you too.”
Mom left, and I went back inside.
I curled up on the couch and felt like crying. Everything Mom said was true. All she did when I was younger. I just didn’t know it meant she could act like a teenager now that I was basically taking care of myself.
It was dusk when I decided to go for a walk.
I tucked the twenty-dollar bill into my pocket and left the house. I walked down to the corner and crossed the street to go walk the train tracks. There really wasn’t anything else to do in town. There was a playground about a quarter mile up the one hill, but it was totally overrun with really bad kids from all different towns.
As I walked the tracks, I thought about who I could call to come over.
Or maybe call nobody. Order pizza for myself. Have a drink or two. Get some sleep.
“Elena?” a voice echoed around me.
I turned and squinted.
There was a small group of guys walking across the tracks.
“Adam?” I called out.
It was Adam, Brad, Stevie, and Bobby.
I smiled and waved, walking toward them.
“What are you doing out here alone?” Adam asked.
“It’s scary in the dark,” Brad said. He started up with his stoner laugh.
I looked at Stevie and Bobby. They were flying high too.
When I looked at Adam, his eyes were glossy, but he was there.
“Just wanted to go for a walk,” I said.
“Where’s lover boy Chad?” Stevie asked.
“Fucking Janelle, probably,” Bobby said and laughed.
Adam turned and punched Bobby in the stomach.
“Jesus, man,” Stevie said as he grabbed for Bobby.
“Shut the fuck up,” Adam growled. “Why would you say that?” Adam looked at me. “Sorry about that. They’re all fucked up.”
“You are too,” I said.
“Nah. Not much. But seriously, what are you doing out here alone?”
“My mom went out for the night. I felt like going for a walk.”
“Everything okay?”
I raised an eyebrow.
Adam turned to Brad. “Look, man, I’m going to walk her home. You three go to the woods.”
“Right,” Brad said. “You’ll be there?”
“Eventually,” he said.
“You’re a dick,” Bobby said.
“You won’t remember I hit you,” Adam said.
“That’s true,” Stevie said, and he started laughing.
The three of them laughed as they walked away.
Adam shook his head. “Assholes.”
“You’re one of them,” I said.
“Thanks for that.”
I smiled and pushed at his arm.
He made me feel… I don’t know…
“What’s going on with your mother?”
“She’s out for a one night stand,” I said. “And she had drugs or something with her.”
“What?”
“Yeah. Fell out of her purse. I tried to ask her about it and then she guilt-tripped me so badly.”
“Fuck,” Adam said. “She’s good at that, huh?”
“She’s a master at it. I hate it.”
“I’m sorry, sugar,” he said.
“Good news is she left me a twenty for pizza,” I said. “And a bottle of vodka.”
“Sounds like a party.”
“Do you want to hang out?” I asked.
Adam stopped walking and turned to face me. I stood on one side of the tracks and he was on the other side. It was so fitting for our lives.
He smiled at me, killing me on the inside. “I would love to hang out with you, Elena.”
* * *
“Can I ask you something?”
Adam looked over at me and laughed. “You just did.”
“You know what I mean.”
“You can ask me anything, Elena.”
We were on the front porch of my house with the light off, sitting on the floor with a pizza box between us. Oh, and the
bottle of vodka. The only light we had was from the living room light and the glow from the TV that poured through the glass storm door.
“You get high a lot,” I said.
“That wasn’t a question.”
“It feels weird to say that.”
“Why? It’s kind of true.”
“But… why? Why do you do that? Have you always…?”
Adam took a deep breath. “I was kind of ripped away from my old town. I had it good there. I mean, we were poor as shit, but it was good there. Coming here was a big change. And there’s nothing else really to do. I mean, it’s pretty clear there are the baseball jocks and the rest of us. Brad was the only person who gave me the time of day. And this isn’t answering your question…”
“It is,” I said. “Keep going.”
“You know, the other guys, they go crazy with it. Smoking, taking pills, and trying other stuff. I don’t do that, Elena. I like to smoke. I like feeling relaxed. All the madness in my head slows down. I never know where my mother is or what she’s doing. I never know what bills are paid or not. I work a shit ton of hours to chip in. It's just a lot. And people look at me and think I’m some burn out stoner scumbag. You know?”
“I’m sorry you have to deal with that.”
“You deal with the same thing.”
“My mother makes sure the bills are paid,” I said. “As much as she pisses me off, she never messes up there. And she did do a lot for me when I was younger.”
“Doesn’t make up for all the fucked-up shit now,” Adam said.
“True.”
I reached for the bottle and took another drink.
Then I moved to the opposite side of the porch, against the railing. I hugged my knees as I stared across at Adam.
“It’s just my thing,” Adam said. “I would never hurt anyone. I would never hurt myself with it. It just keeps me going, Elena. It’s like being with you.”
“What?” I asked, laughing.
“When I’m with you, I feel calm and relaxed. You know? When I’m hanging out with you, it’s like I don’t even want to do it. You’re… you’re like a drug, Elena.”
Adam laughed.
I forced a laugh because what he just said was actually kind of romantic.
I inched closer to him, crossing my legs, and I leaned toward him. “I make you feel relaxed?”
“Yeah,” he said. “You’re just cool with everything. I mean, I know you hate what your mother does. I know you hate when I get messed up. But you never judge me for it. You’re, kind of, the only person in the world who understands me a little. That means a lot to me.”
I swallowed hard. “Adam… I didn’t realize that…”
He leaned forward and just stared.
Seconds ticked by.
I began to question everything in my life.
Everything.
“Hey, remember how we talked about running away?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
“Where would you want to go?”
“We already talked about this…”
“Pick a new place,” he said.
“Okay,” I said. “Uh… what about Maine?”
“Maine?”
“Yeah. Imagine living in a little lobster town.”
“A lobster town?”
“Yeah. Imagine it. There’s water everywhere. Boats. A little post office. A couple of small restaurants. And then in the fall… the colors. Oh, and in the winter, the snow…”
“You hate snow.”
“Yeah. But…” I lifted a finger. “Imagine having a little cabin with all the supplies you need. And you just hide out in the winter. Write books. Drink coffee.”
“And vodka,” Adam said.
“Can’t forget that,” I said. “What about you? Where would you want to go?”
Adam looked around. “The truth?”
“Yeah.”
“Wherever you were.”
“Adam…”
“Seriously. Whatever place made you feel happy, I would be happy.”
“That’s a cheap answer,” I said, and I kicked at him.
He gently kicked me back.
As we kept playfully kicking… flirting… we reached for each other. I knew right then if we tried the whole pretend to tickle each other thing, it would lead to something else.
I laughed hard and moved away from him.
“I’m going to clean up and go inside,” I said.
“Yeah, sure. I’m going to catch a smoke if that’s okay.”
“Yeah,” I said and smiled.
A few minutes later, I crept to the front door and opened it to step back out to the porch. I looked down at the end of the porch as Adam stood there against the railing, smoking. He made it look cool. I wanted to go join him. I had been trying not to smoke as much lately. But Adam made everything inside me feel confused.
I looked at the spot where we had been sitting. Talking. Laughing.
What I meant to him was what he meant to me.
I took another step, telling myself having a smoke with him wasn’t wrong. And even if something were to happen…
Adam reached into his pocket and took out a small pill bottle.
I froze.
He twisted off the lid and dumped a couple of pills into his hand.
My heart slowly began to crack as he swallowed the pills down with a drink from the vodka bottle.
It felt like everywhere I found happiness there was a secret waiting to hurt me.
25
Where This Leads
ADAM
(now)
I opened my eyes and saw Elena sitting on the edge of the bed. She wasn’t wearing any clothes, her hair was down but tucked forward over her left shoulder. Her hands rested against the edge of the bed. Before I could do anything, I felt a swell of pain in my shoulder. I sucked in a breath as quietly as I could and swallowed it down.
“Is it really that bad, Adam?” she asked. “Or is it the addiction that makes you think it hurts?”
It hurt to face those questions when I looked in the mirror. But to hear it coming from the woman I loved, it hurt worse. Much worse. Suddenly, my heart and my stomach were in pain worse than my shoulder. Because all I could see was Elena standing up, getting dressed, and leaving for good.
Which she should do.
Which she should have done a while ago.
Me warning her wasn’t much of a move on my part.
The truth would have been the better move.
I reached for her, fighting through the pain. My fingertips were an inch from her sweet and soft skin. That’s when I made a fist and pulled my hand back. Torture had been silently staring at Elena as hurt spread across her face as I had no words to truly explain everything I had been living through for so long. Torture had been walking the shore of the lake alone, not sure if I was going to come back to find Elena still there or not. When I did, she was busy upstairs typing. Torture had been retreating to bed only to have her appear much later, freshly showered, walking to the other side of the bed, dropping the towel, and climbing into the bed to sleep.
The smell of her shampoo and soap driving my heart crazy all night. Her bare skin within touch, but I didn’t touch her. I couldn’t touch her. I had no right to touch her.
“I’ve mentioned it before,” I said. “I’ve been told about surgery for a long time, Elena. My shoulder has been messed up since the night I got hit by the car.”
“So that’s all you’re going to say?”
“No,” I said as I slowly sat up. “Everything moved fast for me, Elena. Faster than I ever expected. Everything changed when I got out of the hospital. Everyone was gone. Including you.”
She turned her head and looked at me.
“I’m not blaming you, sugar,” I whispered. “You came to visit me. But then you were gone. So, I left too. I never followed up the way I was supposed to. I never went to the therapy doctors suggested. I let things get worse. I started working at the diner. I got myself sett
led…”
“The pills, Adam,” she said. “How did you get them?”
“At first, through a doctor,” I said. “Given my medical history… I could manage with rest and whatever. But when the diner started to fall apart and they needed me…” I rubbed my jaw. “Wow, this sounds like one big excuse. You know what? Screw it. I wanted the pills. I took them. I liked them. I liked the way they took away all the pain, Elena. All of it. The pain in my shoulder. The pain in my heart. And when I met Janet, things got crazier. She was so lost in the world that I walked the edge of. I justified it by saying ‘I’m only doing this…’ while Janet kept going. I’m the reason she’s dead. I should have done something for her. For myself. And in that storm, I ended up buying the diner. I lost Janet. I lost Wally. I lost Gwen. And still… the pain of losing you…”
“Losing me?” she asked.
“I should have never walked away that night,” I said. “Or ran. I should have kissed you again, Elena. I should have grabbed you by the waist and put you against that old apple tree in your backyard. I should have taken your hand and we should have run away together. Forever. The way we always talked about. But I didn’t because I didn’t want to hurt you. Or confuse you. You were so close to getting out of there. I let it all slip through my fingers. And I hurt myself for it. Over and over again. And I’m sorry, sugar. Then and now. I never wanted to hurt you, then or now.”
“I should have run after you that night,” Elena said. “That moment is stuck in my mind. I left feeling guilty, Adam. I left feeling guilty… and alone. Even though I wasn’t alone. I had so many voices inside my head. Next thing I knew, years had gone by. And every time I started to make that first move forward… to what I wanted… something happened. My mother decided to move. She sold her house without telling anyone and left. Then Chad got hurt and his baseball career was done. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. So, I kept working. At a job I didn’t like. In a career I didn’t want. I had a book published and thought it was my big break… and it wasn’t. Everywhere I go, I’m let down.”
Six words.
That’s all it took to do my heart in for good.
Angry at myself and angry at Elena, I stared at her back, counting the freckles, pretending it was like the night’s sky, looking at the stars, feeling free and invincible.
The silence in the bedroom was the worst silence I’d ever experienced. All the cliché lines ran through my head. I’m sorry for letting you down, sugar. I’ll never touch another pill again, sugar. I’m going to be the man you want and need, sugar.
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