Tania stared down at the stain on her sheets. She remembered from reading a historical fiction novel that the mother-in-law used to hang the sheets out for all the community to see that her daughter-in-law had been pure the night of her wedding.
I was pure too, up until ten minutes ago.
Now, Tania felt as dirty as her sheets. Not only had she given her virginity away—it was bought. She wondered if this was what it felt like to be raped. Even if she wasn’t physically raped, she’d been emotionally brutalized.
But she still couldn’t believe it.
She hoisted her body off the bed, pulled on a pair of sweatpants, and forced herself to the living room. Maybe Kevin wasn’t really in on it.
But all her hopes were dashed when she looked through the window and saw Kevin handing Mona money.
Stunned, Tania flopped onto the couch. Just like that. She’d been pimped by her own sister.
Tears streamed down her face.
Mona came prancing back through the door, humming the O’Jays “Money, money, money, money.” She stopped short. “Tania.”
Tania sniffed.
Mona sighed. “I know you didn’t think he really liked you, big as you are. Shoot, I was scared he wasn’t gonna be able to find it.”
Tania managed to whimper, “Why did you do this to me?”
“I told you, girl. Ain’t no love! Plus, I knew back in May, when you was tryin’ to ask that boy to that dance, that you was about to start having sex. And I’ve already told you—you don’t give it away for free. You’ll thank me for this one day. You need to spray some air freshener up in here, it smells like raw hide, hot dog water and a possum's navel in here.”
If she hadn’t been so shocked and physically sore, Tania would have jumped off that couch and used every pound on her body to smother Mona.
All Tania could do was silently pray and ask God to kill her sister. But would God be listening to her after she’d slept with somebody? Tania hadn’t gone to church much, but she knew God didn’t like it when girls had sex before they got married.
He probably wasn’t listening to her. No one was really listening to her—not even Kevin or James or whatever his name was.
It was time to shut down her emotions to people once and for all. Starting with Mona and ending with...maybe never ending at all.
Part II
Ten Years Later
Chapter 4
Tania picked up the invitation she’d received in the mail from her baby sister Naomi’s wedding and looked at it again. The parchment paper bore a beautiful yellow and white flower. Simple but cute. Tania hadn't seen her baby sister in years. As a matter of fact she hadn’t seen her much since she graduated from high school, and that was ten years ago.
She looked at the invitation again and tears welled in her eyes. She was truly happy for her sister but didn’t know if she would be able to attend. Naomi and Tania never had any issues, but Tania and Mona were like fire and a gas leak. If you got the two of them together, an explosion was bound to happen.
Tania spoke with Naomi every so often but for the most part they weren’t close. Naomi tried to reach out to her, but Tania had rejected her. Though most of her girlfriends bragged about going on trips, shopping sprees, etc. with their sisters. Tania couldn’t relate. She simply thought it best to leave things as they were.
Rather than run the risk of ruining Naomi’s day, Tania decided she’d buy Naomi a gift and send it to her. She glanced at the invitation again, made a mental note to stop at Wal-Mart later, and tossed the invitation in her bedroom drawer.
Tania sat in her rocking chair and decided to twist her hair up. She’d been wearing her hair natural for the last two years because of the damage perms had caused.
As she fiddled with her hair, Tania remembered the advice she received when she had gone to counseling for her issues. Both her counselor and her pastor had even told her that she needed to let go and let God. Maybe people who hadn’t ever been through anything, who hadn’t lost their mother at an early age, and who didn’t have hateful big sisters could let go of things easily. Apparently, Tania’s case was a whopper because for as much as she tried to let go of her old feelings, they wouldn’t let go of her.
Tania’s cell phone interrupted her thoughts. The caller ID let her know it was her favorite cousin.
“Hey, Leslie. What’s going on girl?”
“What’s going on is that I hope you’ve received your invitation and you plan to come home.”
“Yes, I got the invitation; but no, I’m not coming home.”
“T, why not?” Leslie whined.
“I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“I think it’s a great idea and it’s a great opportunity for you and Mona to get together and bury the hatchet.”
“I’ve buried the hatchet, so I’m good,” Tania said, knowing that Leslie wasn’t going to give up.
“Look T, I understand your feelings. I really do. But don’t you want to make things right? And besides, Naomi is your baby sister. This is her big day. Will you please think about it?” Leslie sighed.
“I’ve thought about it and I don’t want to come. I love Naomi, but you know how Mona is. You’ve seen her in action.”
“Yes, I’ve seen her in action and I know you don’t want to hear this, but I honestly think she has changed.”
“Changed what—hairstyles?” Tania said, stuffing her mouth with the last of the Mega Stuffed Oreos.
Leslie persisted. “Seriously, when she and I talked the other day I was telling her that I hope you come home and she said she was excited about seeing you as well.”
“That’s a first, but I’m still not buying it. Leopards don’t change their spots.”
“What about the rest of us who want to see you?”
“I see you all the time and if the rest of the crew wants to see me they are more than welcome to mosey on down from Sweet Lily, Texas to lil’ ole Uhl, Texas. The road travels both ways.”
“Girl, ain’t nobody got time to be driving to the sticks to see you.” Leslie laughed.
“It’s peaceful out here in these sticks; I love it. “
“Anyway girl, I gotta get back to work. Think about what I said and I’ll get back with you in a few days.”
“Ok, talk to you later,” Tania said and hung up the phone.
Leslie’s call sent Tania tumbling back down Memory Lane, which was somewhere she tried her best to avoid doing. But try as she might, Tania could never escape the thoughts. Thoughts about her childhood crept into her mind and sometimes even her dreams. She had horrible nightmares and often woke up in a sweat. She seriously didn’t want to think about Mona or going to Sweet Lily.
Tania loved her aunts and cousins. She even loved her sisters in some kind of way. She just didn’t want to be around them for an entire weekend.
There was no telling what might happen.
Chapter 5
Tania washed up her dishes and decided to watch some TV. Every Saturday night she'd come home and enjoy an evening of Lifetime movies. She was living the single life and starting to accept the fact that she may never get married.
Tania’s friend, Sabrina, often tried to hook her up, but none of the guys she’d met were interested in settling down. Tania wanted stability, not just a good time. She’d spent years watching Mona be a good time girl and refused to travel that same road.
Even now, more than a decade later, the memories of Mona’s cruelty made Tania’s stomach churn. When people asked about her older sister, Tania didn’t have any cute, sisterly stories that she could share with her friends. Mona was a piece of work. Plain and simple. There was no way they could ever have a relationship unless Mona got some serious therapy of her own.
After being in Uhl for three months, Tania had joined Uhl Family Church. She’d heard Pastor Green preaching on the radio and decided to become a part of the church family. Tania had not only attended church, but she was an active member on the hospitality committee and served in the y
outh department. She’d gone there broken, but by faith and with God and the help of her pastor and his wife’s counseling, she’d come a long way.
Things of the past were best buried in the past.
She practiced a few of her coping skills now, taking a deep breath and reciting some of the comforting scriptures she had memorized by heart: Nehemiah 8:10, “The joy of the Lord is your strength.” Tania knew she needed the Lord to strengthen her. This was how she drew her mind back to the present and kept herself from dwelling on the thoughts that threatened to overcome her.
Only a few minutes later, she was back in the present. Tania was proud of the progress she’d made and she was not about to allow one weekend to ruin what she’d accomplished. Not even for a wedding.
Besides, weddings were sacred and special. Tania’s absence ensured that Naomi’s day wouldn’t be ruined. Her baby sister would probably be upset with her decision, but it was Tania’s decision to make. Naomi would just have to understand.
Tania got up from the couch and decided to take a long, hot bath to clear her mind. She'd almost allowed herself to get overwhelmed with thoughts of Mona and that’s something that she’d vowed never to do again.
She got in the tub and sank deep into the bubbles and put her mask on. She closed her eyes and tried to think of being on a beach in Jamaica, but every thought she had was of Mona.
After Tania finished her bath she dried off, dressed and retrieved her bible. The only way she could put her mind at ease was to reflect on the word. She opened her Bible and read Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Tania read and reflected on that scripture until she finally fell asleep.
Chapter 6
Tania sat up in the middle of the bed, panting. She got up and went into the bathroom to wash her face.
Why is this happening? Why am I remembering these things? That part of my life is over.
Tania finished up in the bathroom and busied herself finding something to wear to church. She loved Sunday mornings, she loved being a greeter and couldn't wait to hear a word from her pastor. Tania settled on wearing a royal blue and white maxi dress and a pair of white sandals.
Looking at herself in the mirror, she was disappointed. It appeared as if she’d gained at least five pounds. Her butt looked huge. Every angle of the mirror confirmed that she hadn't lost a pound. She'd fixed smoothies and even tried the latest weight loss shake, Fat Be Gone, but none of that seemed to work for her.
Tania was convinced that she would spend the rest of her life as the cute, light skinned big girl with nice hair and a beautiful smile.
She took a final look in the mirror and grabbed her Bible and headed for the door. She couldn't wait to get to church and receive a word from the Lord.
As she pulled into the church parking lot, a heaviness settled on her heart. She seriously needed to go to the altar and pray about her thoughts about Mona. Tania took a few deep breaths and got out of the car. She noticed that Sabrina was parked next to her and waited for her to get out of the car so that they could walk in together.
“Hey, Tania girl. I was about to call you,” Sabrina said, hugging her.
“Hey, Sabrina.”
“Ummmmm, what's wrong? You don't sound like yourself.”
“I'm ok, just need to clear my head.”
“Come on, Tania, you’re talking to me. What's really going on?” Sabrina asked.
“My sister, Naomi sent me an invitation to go home for her wedding.”
“Tania, that's great! Maybe you and your sisters will get a chance to talk and mend the broken places in your relationship,” Sabrina cheered.
“Sabrina, you know how I feel about Mona and I don't have a desire to talk about anything.”
“I really think you should consider it. I think you'll feel better if you do. And besides, she may be a changed woman.”
“Yeah, right. My cousin Leslie said that she's changed, but I doubt it very seriously.”
“How would you know? You haven't seen her nor have you talked to her,” Sabrina reasoned.
“I don't talk to Mona because we've never gotten along, so why waste my time?”
“Tania, seriously think about it. Your sisters are the only family you have. Now’s your opportunity to repair the relationships.”
“Girl, let's get to our post before Sis. Emma starts looking for us,” Tania said, changing the subject.
Tania and Sabrina headed inside and gathered their programs to hand out to people as they entered the sanctuary. She gave her friend and assistant at the bookstore, Stacy, a hug as she and her husband entered a little later than normal.
“This baby had me up early,” Stacy said.
“Won’t be too much longer now,” she encouraged her friend.
Uhl Community Church was a mid-sized church with about 150 active members. Not only were the members local but they also had church members from the nearby cities of Glenn Heights and Ovilla, Texas.
After passing out their programs Tania and Sabrina sat on their designated back pew near the ushers. They made it just in time to hear the choir sing “Every Praise” by Bishop Hezekiah Walker.
Tania joined in singing God my Deliverer! Yes, He is!
Tania absolutely loved that song, she was really feeling it. After the choir sang, Rev. Beckting, the associate minister stood and announced that it was time for altar prayer.
Tania went to the altar.
“Oh God, we come to you today, God as humble as we know how, God, asking for forgiveness for our sin. God, we realize that we fall short of your glory, so before we ask you for anything, we want to thank you for everything. God, you've been so good to us and for that we say thank you, thank you for being a provider, a way maker, a mind regulator and a peacemaker. God, please remove any bitterness that we may have in our hearts for we know if we have bitterness, it cancels out our blessings. Lord, remove any iniquity that we may have. You told us in your word if we have iniquity in our hearts you won't hear us. Lord, we want to be heard. Forgive us for bad feelings and unpleasant thoughts that we may be harboring, Lord. Lord, bless the sick, shut-in and bereaved families of our church; bless those in need, and bless our pastor as he prepares to speak a word, for it's in Jesus’ mighty name we pray. Amen.” Rev. Beckting wrapped up his prayer and the congregation returned to their seats.
His prayer had touched Tania’s heart. Her mind was racing; she had so many questions. Was she harboring bad feelings in her heart? Was that considered bitterness? Why was she feeling guilty when Mona was the one who had treated her horrible?
Tania couldn't wait for service to end so that she could talk to Pastor Green. She needed to get some answers and try to get some advice on her current dilemma. If she was truly delivered from her past, why were these feelings suddenly overwhelming her?
Chapter 7
Tania could hardly pay attention in church. She couldn't wait for the benediction so that she could catch Pastor Green before he left. When the ushers announced it was time for the offering she leapt up, grabbed her Bible and marched to the table. She'd made up her mind that she was going to put her tithes in the tray and head out the door.
Tania could hear her grandmother saying, “There's a blessing in the benediction.”
Tania wondered if watching the benediction from the hallway big screen would have been ok with her grandmother. She chuckled to herself because she knew her grandmother would have a fit if she knew she'd left the sanctuary before church was over.
Making her way through the double doors of the sanctuary to Pastor Green's office, she was spotted by the church secretary, Joyce.
“Sister Tania, is there something I can help you with?” Joyce asked.
“I am waiting to see Pastor Green; I really need to talk with him.”
“He and
First Lady have another engagement to attend, so you'll have to schedule an appointment to see him,” Joyce said looking for her pen.
“It's really important and it won't take long.”
“As I stated Pastor Green is—”
“Right here,” Pastor Green said, walking up and cutting Joyce off.
“Sis. Tania, how are you doing today and what can I do for you?”
Pastor Green was sharply dressed in a nice black and white suit with a black, gray and white tie to match. Pastor was in his mid 40's but as wise as a 70-year-old man.
“I have a question to ask you, Pastor and I won't take up too much of your time,” Tania said.
“Alright, step right on in my office and have a seat. I'll go grab Catherine. Be right back.”
Joyce looked at Tania as if she wanted to slap her. Tania had heard humors about Joyce having a bad attitude. She never believed it until now.
Tania sat in the plush, comfortable, executive style chair and admired all of the pictures on the wall. There were pictures of family vacations and also pictures of church events. Each picture showed the family smiling and happy to be together. Oh, how Tania longed for that same kind of happiness.
“Good morning, Sis. Tania. It's so good to see you,” First Lady Catherine said while hugging Tania.
First wore a black and white striped dress and a huge black and white stylish hat to match her husband. She and Pastor coordinated their outfits often.
“Good morning, First Lady,” Tania said.
“Tania, what's on your mind?” Pastor Green jumped right in.
“During altar prayer, Rev. Beckting mentioned that if we have bitterness in our hearts the Lord won't hear us. As you know I haven't seen my sisters in years due to childhood issues. My youngest sister sent me an invitation to her wedding, and although I love Naomi I don't have a desire to go because of my oldest sister, Mona. Me being there could possibly ruin Naomi's big day. Do you think it's because I've been harboring bitterness in my heart?”
Redemption Page 3