by Nikki Harmon
I wander around Brooklyn and enjoy the freedom of having nothing to do. I buy the little bit of clothes I can afford, I hang out in a bookstore, and I grab a bite to eat. I’m back at the apartment by 3pm and am tired. I take a nap and wake up around 5pm. I have five hours to kill before the club opens and I have no idea what I’m going to do with it. I call Jackson and we talk until I can sense that he’s getting bored. I say good-bye and try to come up with a plan for Jen. I got nothing except to try and talk sense to her. I’ll tell her about her daughter who is almost 7 years old. I also know from the ladies at church that her mother is not doing well. So I have those two cards to play as well as my own pregnancy and hopefully, our friendship.
Lacey gets home around 7pm. She’s startled to see me. I think she forgot I was staying there. We chat but I don’t want to intrude, so I retreat to the bedroom. I call for take-out and try to relax until it arrives. They don’t have cable but they have internet, so I check emails and Facebook until my chicken arrives and I eat alone in the kitchen. It sounds lonely, but I love the casualness of eating when I want, where I want by myself, listening to a jazz station on Pandora. Jackson and I usually eat around 6pm and we eat together at the dining table. It’s a nice routine but it feels like freedom to change it up a little. By 9pm, I’m ready to get rolling. I catch the A train and head to the Venus Fly Trap. It’s just 10:00pm when I get there.
I pay my admission and head to the back table Kendra and I sat at the other day. I order a Ginger ale. The waitress looks pissed but I thrust out my belly and she just shrugs and walks away. At least she won’t be hounding me. I’ll be lucky if she ever comes by here again. The music begins, the curtain opens, a caramel-colored woman comes out and performs a slow balletic number on the pole. She’s graceful and I marvel at her sheer strength. Her thigh muscles are so well defined, and her shoulders … I shake myself and look around the room. I see Alonso and he has seen me. He casually raises and tilts his drink toward me. I nod and turn back to the stage. As the dancer is finishing her routine she glides my way and I gaze up at her. She smiles down at me. I am so embarrassed. I fish in my purse and pull out a couple of ones. I hold them up to her, she shakes her head and extends her gartered leg towards me. I tuck the dollars in and swallow hard. She does a slow split in front of me and then slides across the stage to the next table. I am sweating a little and drink my ginger ale too fast. I choke on it. Someone pats me on the back until I gather myself. Alonso. He sinks into the chair next to me. I hadn’t planned on talking to him and am caught off-guard.
“I’m surprised to see you here again. Unless, of course, you came to see the ladies.” He gestures to the dancer walking off the stage.
“No, I came to see Jen. I’m in town for a few days, so I just wanted to spend some time with my old friend.” I turn to him. “You know we’ve been best friends since pre-K?”
“Really?” he says with a smirk. “No, she didn’t mention that or you, ever. So you can understand why I’m confused, right? I mean, I don’t know you at all and now you are stalking my woman? It makes me a little suspicious, a little jumpy you know?”
“Alonso, I was with her as she was dressing for your first date, so whether she has mentioned me or not, we have always been friends, best friends.”
“If you are so close, then where have you been for the past, I don’t know five, six years? “ I open my mouth to answer but Jen enters the stage and locks eyes with Alonso. She dances for him until she notices me next to him. She falters and almost loses her balance. I smile at her. She looks away and starts dancing for the crowd, face mired in thought. Alonso sucks his teeth and leaves the table without another word to me. Jen finishes her set but instead of leaving the stage, she hops off and sits down next to me.
“You’re here.”
“Yup. I’m here.”
“I wasn’t sure yesterday. I thought you were here but I wasn’t sure, it just seemed too crazy.” She pauses and looks at me. I gaze back.
“Was Kendra here too?”
“Yup, but not today. Today you only get me.”
“Oh. It’s good to see you Kim, but what are you doing here?”
I take a moment. I want to tell her to just come with me but I think a subtler approach might be better.
I open my mouth to deliver my speech “I’m having a baby, Jen and I’m scared and I want my best friend to talk to. I miss you and I need to talk to you.”
But the next dancer is already coming out to "Turn Down for What" and it’s loud as hell. Jen doesn’t hear a word.
She yells over the music, “We can’t talk here!”
“Ok,” I yell back, “Can we meet up tomorrow? Have dinner or coffee? Where do you live?” She starts to look around. I’m sure she is looking for Alonso but mercifully, he is nowhere in sight.
She looks unsure but says, “Sure, let’s have dinner. Can we eat somewhere near here?” I nod and she stands up. “There’s a Chinese/Mexican place on the corner. Let’s meet there. How about 7pm? That’ll give me time to …” She stops talking abruptly. “Ok, I’ll see you tomorrow, right? I have to get back to work, they’re calling me.”
I turn my head and see Alonso and a young heavy-set guy waving her over. She goes to them and the guy grabs her ass and squeezes it hard. She jumps a little but doesn’t move. I look away. I had planned on staying until they closed at 3am but as the dancer starts to make her way toward me, I get up and leave.
∆∆∆
The next morning, I awake hungry. I venture out and find a diner serving up huge stacks of silver dollar pancakes. I order too much but I am lonely and feeling unsure of my every move and I need the comfort. Afterward, my belly feels big and itchy and I am heavy with food and burdened with dire decisions. I decide to walk. I walk through Brooklyn, over the bridge, and into Chinatown. The walk tires me out but clears my mind. I spy and claim a park bench near Houston to people watch for a bit. I call Kendra and she picks up on the first ring. I can hear the roar of the ocean behind her. I tell her about last night and ask for her advice. I have no idea what to do about Alonso. Kendra suggests kidnapping. I laugh and we get off the phone but I am no closer to a plan.
I spend the rest of the day in a public library. I skim through books about drug addiction and co-dependent relationships and sex workers. Depressed but educated, I leave the cozy library when it closes at 7pm and walk to Koreatown. By the time I get to the restaurant, I am famished but motivated. I am much more confident armed with a better understanding of what and with whom I am dealing. I decide to offer Jen the only thing that nobody else could or would, forgiveness and friendship.
I go ahead and order veggie dumplings and a chicken and cheese burrito with yellow rice and beans. The baby must be having a growth spurt because I eat it all and contemplate ordering more. I drink water and wait… and wait… and wait. She comes in 45 minutes later, flustered and disheveled.
“Oh, you are here. I wasn’t entirely sure if this was the restaurant or time … I just … anyway . . . hi!” To the man behind the counter, she says, “Jae, the veggie burrito and just plain rice this time. Thanks, babe!” She sits down across from me and I see her eyes are dilated and she is fidgety. She keeps checking her face in the mirror on the wall next to us. She touches her cheek and I think I see a bit of redness, a slight swelling but I can’t be sure. She looks at me, the remains of my dinner and smiles.
“You are putting on some weight, Kim, maybe you shouldn’t eat quite so much! Was that two dinners?” She laughs.
I reach for her hand and look into her eyes, “Jen, I’m not getting fat, I’m going to have a baby.” I lean back, letting go of her hand and poke out my belly. “See!” I rub it.
She stares uncomprehendingly at first but then she opens her mouth in surprise and covers it with her hand. She bursts into a fit of giggles. “Kim!!! You are going to have a baby! Oh, that’s wonderful! I can’t believe it. Oh, Kim!”
I’m trying to figure out why she is so surprised and delighted
by my news but then it occurs to me that she hasn’t seen me since she left town. I was 17 at the time and focused on going to college. She doesn’t know I’m married. I hold up my left hand with my wedding band and make sure I look her straight in the eyes.
“Jen, I married Jackson. Two years ago. We bought a house in Mount Airy.”
“What? You married Jackson? Why? I thought you were just hanging out with him until … something better came along.”
“What? Something better like what? I fell in love with him and I married him after we graduated from college. Why would you even say that?”
“I just thought you were going to be onto other things, like MIT and NASA. Why would you marry some guy from your mama’s church?” she says exasperated.
I try to keep my voice low but I’m pissed. “What the hell Jen! Are you seriously judging me? Last I saw you were up on a stage, half-naked, shaking your tits for money.” She glared at me.
“Fuck you, Kim. You don’t know my life.”
“No, I don’t and whose fault is that? One day you’re home with the baby and the next day you are gone. You don’t call me, you don’t text me, you don’t write me, you just leave me with nothing for years!”
Tears are welling up behind my eyes and I realize how long I have been holding on to this hurt and how deep I buried it. I mean, who was going to understand or be sympathetic? My oldest and closest friend abandoned me but she also left her family – her mom, even her baby girl so how could I complain? I put my head in my hands and press the tears away with my palms.
“I’m sorry. I’m not here to accuse or criticize you Jen. I was just so happy Kendra found you but honestly, I don’t understand what happened to you or how you ended up on that stage.”
Jen looks away. Jae had delivered her food sometime during our argument but she hasn’t touched it. She takes a few bites. I assume she is getting her thoughts together to tell me about Alonso or the drugs, or money or something but instead she says, “You are still going to NASA and still going to work on spaceships, right?”
“No, probably not.” I swallow and take a breath before I define my life, “I decided to stay at Temple and get my BA in Education. I teach science at a middle school.”
“You teach … at a school? But Kim, you are so super smart. You should be working on rocket ships, not teaching snotty nosed kids. Come on!” Her disgust is pretty shocking to me.
“There’s nothing wrong with teaching. I like teaching.”
“Kim, you have got to be kidding me! You should be writing the textbooks. You should be in the textbooks. I can’t believe you just let that go. You’ve always wanted to fly into space, since we were in third grade. Do you remember that trip to the Franklin Institute?”
“The planetarium.”
“Yes, the planetarium and then they had a real astronaut come and talk to us.”
“Guy Buford.”
“Yes, see you remember. And from that day, nothing but NASA from you.”
“Yeah, I know Jen, but we all grow up. Sometimes things change. You should know that better than anybody.” I try to infuse it with love and compassion but she flinches anyway.
“I was ok with my ‘change’ but I thought at least you were going to get what you wanted. I thought at least one of us …”
“Jen, why are you here? And please don’t tell me it’s for love. Please don’t tell me that you are stripping and God knows what else for him.”
“Alonso? I do love him, oh I love him so much but I started dancing for the money. I needed money and nothing else pays as much at least for a person without any training. I danced at Delilah’s in Philly until my mom found out and kicked me out.”
“Oh. I didn’t know that.” I shook my head. I could imagine that scene at her house. “Why didn’t you come to me? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to know, Kim. I was embarrassed, ok?”
“If you’re embarrassed Jen, then why are you doing it? Why does he let you do it? I’m sorry. I’m trying to understand but I don’t understand. I just don’t. You could be doing a million different things and if he’s your man, he should be supporting you. I don’t get it!”
“At first, I did it for the money of course. When I got kicked out, I had nowhere to go so I tracked down Alonso and he let me stay with him. Then he lost his job, and we almost lost the apartment… so … “
“So, you went back to dancing.”
“Yes and Alonso, well he has some … other … business stuff …”
“Jen, you have got to do something else. I don’t care what it is but there has got to be something else. Come with me. I’ll help you find it. We have two extra bedrooms you can stay with me and Jackson. Please. I can’t bear to think about you wasting your life, dancing for strangers.” Her jaw tightened.
“That’s funny because I can’t bear to think of you wasting your life, teaching little kids.”
“Touché.”
“I’m not leaving Alonso. I love him and I … owe him.”
“He’s pimping you, Jen.”
“He keeps me safe, Kim.”
“You wouldn’t need to be kept safe if you weren’t in this business.” She pushes her plate to the side and leans over the table to talk six inches from my face.
“This business pays for my mother’s mortgage, her medical bills, my daughter's clothes and toys and pre-school. Alonso takes care of our bills.”
I shut up. I’m losing this argument. I get up to use the bathroom. When I come back, she is gone. I pay the bill, take the local train back to Brooklyn and go to sleep, exhausted.
∆∆∆
I wake up in the middle of the night, it is dark and still. I lay in bed for a long time thinking about what she said, what I learned and how presumptuous I have been. Who have I become that I have no comeback to “it pays the bills”? I used to be so sure of my beliefs, and now I am faltering and precarious. Maybe it’s the hormones, I try to console myself. Maybe it’s the shock of seeing her laid so low. But who am I to pass judgment? She’s just as disgusted to see me as a schoolteacher rather than the hotshot scientist I had promised to become. But I made my own choices and I’m not … unhappy. I just thought she was the one who needed saving until she held up a mirror.
I don’t like this feeling at all. I try to go back to sleep but I’m agitated. I want to escape my thoughts. I look around and reach for a book. I pick up Shay Youngblood’s Soul Kiss. I start to read and lose myself in the story. I love the way her words roll off the tongue in my brain. After a few chapters, I drift into sleep.
In the morning, I check my phone. There are seven texts from Jackson. I had forgotten to touch base with him yesterday. I hope he understands, but just in case, I call him before I even brush my teeth.
“Hey babe. I’m so sorry I didn’t get back to you yesterday. I was so busy in the library and then I met with Jen for dinner and it was intense.”
“Yeah, I was worried when I didn’t hear from you. Is everything ok? How does your head feel? I hope you are staying away from screens like the doctors said.”
“Yeah, my head feels ok, better. I was starving yesterday so I think the baby is fine too, my belly feels bigger.”
“Can’t wait to see it. When are you coming home?”
“Soon. I don’t know if I can convince her to come with me though. I think I have to make a long-range plan, you know?”
“I guess. I hope she changes her mind soon. I miss you. The house is empty without you.”
“It’ll be soon. I just have to figure a few things out, ok?”
“Ok, I gotta go. I have a meeting in five minutes. Love ya.”
“Love you too,” I say. It feels more like a reflex than a declaration.
I leave the room and head to the bathroom. Lacey is on her way out the door.
“Oh hey, I was hoping to catch you – you are pretty hard to catch by the way! My roommate might be home a little early, like tonight or tomorrow so I think we are goin
g to have to finish up our little arrangement. If she’s back tonight, do you mind taking the couch?”
“Oh, no, that’s fine. I think I’m almost ready to go. I just need one more night. I’ll take off tomorrow, ok?”
“Ok,” she says and waves good-bye as she closes the door behind her.
I shower, brush my teeth and get dressed. Then I call Kendra and tell her everything that happened last night. She clucks her tongue.
“Hmm. I guess she’s not as out of it as we thought. Did you ask her about the drugs?”
“No, but she was clear-headed when I saw her. Maybe she takes it just for work, you know? Anyway, I have to leave tomorrow so tonight is my last shot. Any last-minute advice?”
“Yeah, she’s right. What the hell are you doing being a teacher? Go back to school and become the astronaut you always said you would be. That’s my advice.”
“Seriously Kendra? You too?”
“Yeah, me too. I got nothing against teachers but you: married, pregnant and a schoolteacher? It’s not right, sorry to say, but you are not where you are supposed to be.”