The Beginning (Starting Over)

by Matthew J. Metzger

  Hell, it would probably be a damn sight cheaper.

  “That sounds perfect,” Gabriel said. “I miss having you here.”

  “Miss you too,” he mumbled as he passed a bus stop. A couple of the waiting would-be passengers, faces he’d known from infancy, eyed him curiously.

  “I’ll not say anything outright, but I’ll push the odd button and see what response I get,” Gabriel said. “To be honest, he was miserable again this morning about getting up and going to work, so I don’t think the realisation is much further away.”

  “No rush,” Chris said. “I mean, you know. I have a job and I need to finish redecorating and everything.”

  “Oh, I’m in a rush,” Gabriel groused. “You try living with him when he’s this antsy.”

  “I did. You were in hospital. It was awful.”

  “Oh, give over…”

  Chris snorted. “Fine. Be wrong.”

  Gabriel tried to take back the moving idea, but Chris ignored him.

  “So you reckon it’s only…what? A couple of months?”

  “Try a few days. Suze texted me while we were heading back. Apparently—and I never told you this—but apparently her husband Tom has offered Aled a job and his no was extremely unconvincing. She wants me to add some pressure too.”

  “So I take it that job means moving to…where do they live, again?”

  “St Ives.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I don’t know about St Ives especially, but it’ll mean going to Cornwall, yeah. She seemed to think he was worried about what I’d think, so I’m going to drop some hints about how nice Cornwall is and see what happens.”

  Chris smirked. “You’re ne—nefa—evil.”

  “Yeah, well, he knew what he was getting when he signed up.”

  “How?”

  “It was on my Grindr profile.”

  “Ah.”

  “We weren’t classy with cycling dates, you know.”

  Chris’ face heated, though he wasn’t sure if it was being called classy or the d-word.

  “So I will drop lots of hints, poke the issue a little bit, see what I get,” Gabriel said. “And I reckon by the end of the month, I’ll get an answer. And if I’m the only thing standing in his way, then we’re good to go.”

  “And if you’re not?”

  Because, after all, Yorkshire was Aled’s home. Chris had felt so alien and out of place in the north that it ached, deep down inside. What if Aled felt the same way about the south?

  “Then we work on your original idea,” Gabriel said. “If we can’t get together all the way down there with his family, then let’s at least meet halfway.”

  Halfway sounded good.

  But all the way sounded even better.

  Chris crossed his fingers and hoped Aled’s attachment to his family was stronger than his attachment to his home.

  Chapter Seven

  The weekend away was a hard reboot—and the following Tuesday at work was savage. Stupid emails, ringing phones, meetings, the mess of a calendar nobody had been taking care of. It almost hurt, to the point where Aled’s boss, chortling, decided he’d clearly drunk too much on his jollies and sent him home by lunchtime.

  ‘No point working with a hangover like that, eh?’ he’d said.

  Aled very rarely drank, and hadn’t got drunk in years, but he played along and left anyway. Why not enjoy a bit more leisure time if it was offered free of charge? So he went home, threw a few rounds of dirty clothes into the wash, cleaned out the fridge and started to make up some meals for the coming week.

  By the time Gabriel came home from the gym at six, Aled was up to his wrists in pizza dough, and a pot of homemade chilli was simmering on the stove as the third round of laundry spun in the washing machine. Gabriel threw his sports bag down in the hall and leaned up against the kitchen doorframe, frowning.

  “What’s going on?” he asked suspiciously.

  “I’m cooking,” Aled replied.

  “I can see that. Why?”

  Aled pulled a face, though he couldn’t deny that the suspicion was fairly well-justified. He’d always used food as a bribe, from the first time Gabriel had come over right through to, well, today.

  Still, it was worth a shot at innocence.

  “I can’t be nice?”

  A smirk danced across Gabriel’s face. Aled fought to keep his own impassive.

  “I’m just saying, you usually cook after a rough game, not before,” Gabriel pointed out.

  “No games,” Aled said, and took a deep breath. Now. Now was the time to do it. “We need to make a decision, and not anywhere near a game.”

  They’d been together almost five years, and after all that time, Gabriel didn’t bat an eyelash. For which Aled was immensely grateful.

  “Okay,” he said. “Let me get a shower first, though. The roads were filthy.”

  Aled collected the abandoned cycling gear. Once the washing machine was done, he swapped the clean laundry out and the revolting clothes in while Gabriel banged about upstairs. Next door’s cat slunk in through the cat flap left in by the previous owner, hiding from the rain. Aled decided to be generous and put down a tin of tuna for the soggy beast. Rico rubbed around Aled’s ankles, chirping noisily, then shoved his face into the tin before it was even set down.

  “Fat git,” Aled said.

  Gabriel came down in his tartan pyjamas after a little while, just as Aled put the pizzas in the oven. He cosied up for a brief hug, smelling of mint and tea tree oil, then made a bid for the Coke cans in the fridge.

  “Do we need the rulebook for your little chinwag?” he asked.

  “Nope. It’s not about that.”

  Gabriel cracked a can open. “Would it be something to do with Cornwall?”

  Aled nodded, totally unsurprised. Suze had probably already tried to get Gabriel on board. She was sneaky like that. Hell, he wouldn’t be completely surprised if Gabriel had known about the job offer before Aled had.

  “Have you made a decision, or are we making one together?”

  “Together,” Aled said.

  “Okay,” Gabriel replied. “I’m all ears. After something to eat, because otherwise my stomach will do all the talking.”

  He put off the talk until the pizza was served and the chilli boxed up for tomorrow’s lunch. They talked instead about the new gym manager—Gabriel had fucked him years ago after matching on Grindr, but the manager clearly didn’t remember—and Rico sat hopefully under Gabriel’s chair, even though Gabriel wouldn’t share food if he were paid. Or beaten.

  “So come on then,” Gabriel urged, once he’d inhaled a slice of pizza. “What’s this big discussion relating to Cornwall?”

  Aled went for the jugular and just blurted it out.

  “Tom’s offered me a job.”

  Gabriel didn’t so much as blink. “I know.”

  “And?”

  “Do you want it?”

  Aled blew out his cheeks. There was a loaded question.

  “I—don’t not want it…”

  “How about you just tell me what’s on your mind, all in one go, and then we’ll unravel it together?” Gabriel suggested.

  “All right. I want to take it. I want to be nearer to Suze, especially now she has a family. I can’t stand my current job anymore. Hell, you know how I feel about that. But—” He gestured helplessly at Gabriel. “You’re here, and I just can’t walk away from you. It’s not possible. Not for anything. And you belong here with Kevin and Judith. And Greg, I suppose.”

  Gabriel smirked at the mention of his fuckbuddy. Aled had never warmed to the obnoxiously dumb Greg, even if he did begrudgingly admit that the great lummox was harmless enough. He just couldn’t see what Gabriel saw in a steroid-guzzling, overexcited puppy of a man who liked teeny-bopper music. Seeing the back of Greg would be a bonus, in Aled’s opinion—but, of course, it wasn’t Aled who fucked the guy.

  “Not to mention it’s a significant drop in pay. Nothing we can’t live on,
but—you know. Ford Focus instead of a company Audi. I haven’t looked into house prices down there, but it’s bound to be more expensive than here. It would be a step down. It wouldn’t be the luxury you’re used to now.”

  “But it would cover the essentials?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So really, that’s not much of a factor. I’ve lived on the streets,” Gabriel pointed out. “As long as we could pay the essentials, then we’re doing a lot better than I have been before. And you’re the one with the thing for nice cars. I don’t really give a shit about that. An old banger suits us fine.”

  Aled heaved a sigh of relief that he was sticking with we instead of you.

  “The pay’s not critical, no,” Aled agreed. “But you are.”

  That was what it came down to. Choosing between his partner and his family.

  And it was the one decision Aled just could not make. He was miserable without Suze. He hated being so far away from birthday drinks, bitching sessions over coffee, swimming classes together. He even hated missing out on Euan’s milestones, and Aled didn’t even like children. Now Nan had passed away, Suze was the only family Aled had, and he missed her. Missed her so much it ached.

  But to leave Gabriel was unthinkable. It would be like ripping off a limb. It wasn’t going to happen—he knew it wasn’t going to happen—but if Gabriel didn’t want to go, then what? How could Aled find a compromise if Gabriel wanted to stay?

  Gabriel sat back with a sigh. “I have a confession to make.”

  Aled raised his eyebrows.

  “I thought this was coming ever since Suze had the baby.”

  “You did?”

  Euan was a few months old already, and Tom hadn’t been making any noises about jobs then. Aled wondered if he really was that transparent.

  “Yeah,” Gabriel said. “You’ve been lonely since they got married, but ever since Suze said she was pregnant—with Euan, that is—you’ve been restless, too. Like you want to get up and go, right now. I said to Chris before he left that we’d probably be moving south ourselves before too long.”

  Aled snatched at the pronoun.

  “We.”

  Gabriel smiled. “Duh.”

  All the muscles in Aled’s spine relaxed. “You’d—you’d be okay with moving?”

  Gabriel held up a finger. “Under one condition. Well, two.”

  “Shoot.”

  “You let me meet any of Kevin’s conditions.”

  “Deal,” Aled said instantly.

  Kevin was the only person in Gabriel’s life who was allowed to impose iron-clad rules on him outside of a sex game. He was an absolute giant of a man with a busy trade in sadism, but whom they both completely trusted. He was family—easy-going and affable with Aled, and whatever Gabriel needed at the time. Aled liked to think they got on well enough that Kevin’s conditions wouldn’t be unreasonable. He already had one, in that Gabriel had to be in touch at least once in every twenty-four-hour period, and Aled had always adjusted their long games to allow for that. He imagined Kevin might add a timetable for regular visits, but so what? Aled could roll with that. He’d drive Gabriel up himself if that was what it took.

  “And I want Chris to come with us.”

  Aled hesitated.

  “I miss him,” Gabriel said. “I liked him being here all the time, and I miss him now. He doesn’t have to live with us, like in the same house, but I want him close by. Down the road or next door or something.”

  “I could go along with that,” Aled said. “I like him fine. But he’s just a mate to me, so…you know. Maybe not the same house.”

  “Yeah, I get it,” Gabriel replied. “And I’m okay with nearby. Just…you know, near. I’m not moving all the way away from Kevin to still have to sit on the train for hours to see Chris. I want to be with him. He’s not just another boyfriend anymore.”

  “That…seems fair,” Aled said. “Have you talked about it with him?”

  “Yeah. The theory, anyway. But we didn’t make firm plans. I wanted you to come to your own conclusions first.”

  “And Kevin?”

  “No.”

  “You think he’ll be okay?”

  “Yeah. We’ve never been in love the way you and I are, or me and Chris are—and anyway, he doesn’t feel about anyone the way he feels about Judith.”

  “He still loves you.”

  “He does,” Gabriel said. “And I love him. But it’s different.”

  Aled didn’t understand it, but then he’d never had to. He simply stroked Gabriel’s hand, turning it over to briefly tickle the palm.

  “I don’t want you to lose Kevin,” he said.

  Kevin was Gabriel’s other regular Dominant. It had been something Aled had been presented with from the start. Gabriel was polyamorous, and while most of his other screws were either one-night stands or fuckbuddies, Kevin was different. There was a real emotional attachment to Kevin, one that Aled would not survive tangling with. If he couldn’t accept Kevin, then this budding relationship with Gabriel was going nowhere.

  Thankfully, Aled didn’t much care about other Dominants on the scene, and Kevin was very easy to like. And Kevin’s standards started and ended with how other men treated Gabriel. So Aled had passed muster early on, and they’d rubbed along just fine over the years.

  “I won’t lose him. He’d never let me, for one. I’ll still visit all the time. And he can bring the family down to Cornwall on holidays!” Gabriel added brightly.

  Aled turned the hand back over and squeezed it.

  “You think you’ll be okay?”

  And there was his real worry. He’d hoped Gabriel would agree to a move—though he’d not expected it to be this easy—but it meant moving away from Kevin. The safety net. Kevin who’d steered Gabriel back to a life after a chaotic mess of homelessness, familial rejection and a crutch of alcoholism against depression and dysphoria. And though Gabriel had been well on the mend before Aled came along, he hadn’t quite been fine either. There’d been too much willingness to let partners take advantage of him, too-thin defences against fear and anxiety that had crumbled when he’d lost his job.

  He was much better now—and his standards for his hookups had thankfully soared—but Aled couldn’t claim all the credit. A lot of it was down to Kevin. And without Kevin…

  But Gabriel rubbed his thumb over Aled’s knuckles and smiled.

  “I think I will be,” he said. “Maybe a couple of years ago, it wouldn’t have been a good idea. But now? Yeah. I don’t— Don’t get me wrong, I love Kevin and I always will, but…I needed him once. I wouldn’t have made it without him once. I wasn’t strong enough to conquer some of those demons on my own.”

  “But you are now.”

  “Yeah. Now, I want him. I’ll always want him. He and Judith and the kids will always be my family, and I’ll always want them in my life. You’ve no chance of getting rid of them even if you wanted to. But…I don’t need them these days. Not like I did once.”

  Aled squeezed tightly.

  “And if I wobble—” Gabriel squeezed back. “I’ve got you. And Chris. And Kevin is just a train ride away. I’ll be okay. You’ll all make sure of it.”

  Aled nodded.

  “So…we’re moving?” Gabriel asked.

  Aled let out a strangled laugh. Moving. Leaving Yorkshire. He’d never lived anywhere else.

  Yet—

  It felt like he’d be going home.

  Chapter Eight

  The very next morning, Gabriel threw down the dust sheets and started scrubbing the walls.

  They’d bought a fixer-upper because the price was better, then Gabriel’s accident had come just at the end of the necessaries like the gutters and the new boiler being taken care of. The result was that they hadn’t got around to redecorating yet. And if they were going to sell up after all, a fresh coat of plain paint would brighten the place up in plenty of time for valuations and prospective buyers. All those property development programmes he’d watched whe
n he’d been bedridden were finally going to pay off.

  In any case, Gabriel had discovered he had a house-proud streak once they’d bought the place. It was the first private property he’d ever had his name on. The old house had been Aled’s, both legally and emotionally. It has been his name on the deed and his ex-wife’s design choices in the kitchen. It hadn’t really been Gabriel’s as well. And everything before it had been renting, on the social or a squat.

  But this one was theirs. Both their names were on the title deed, and although he hadn’t paid a penny towards the mortgage, he paid all the utilities. He’d picked out all the curtains, and the sofa suite had been a compromise between them instead of just what Aled had liked years before they’d met. It was partly his house, not just his home. And he’d thrown himself into learning how to look after it, and always insisted on it looking clean and tidy in a way he hadn’t been bothered about before.

  So, rather ironically, the living room looked like a bomb site by the time he went to work.

  He didn’t say anything to anyone at work—nor Aled when he popped in for a swim—but when Aled lingered until the end of the shift, Gabriel insisted on going to B&Q rather than straight home, determined to get the job finished so he could tidy up again.

  “What on earth do you need to go to B&Q for?” Aled asked as he hooked Gabriel’s bike up to the back of the car.

  “Paint!”

  “Why do you want paint?”

  “I don’t know, to paint things?”

  Aled gave him a clip round the ear for that. Gabriel cackled as he ducked into the passenger seat.

  “Did you tell your boss you’re leaving?” Aled asked as he started the engine.

  “Not yet,” Gabriel replied. “I don’t think I’m going to say anything until we have a moving date, to be honest. It’ll just be harder to get out of the leaving party.”

  “Why don’t you want a leaving party?”

  “Booze.”

  Gabriel was an alcoholic. He’d run away from home in his teens, and alcohol had kept him warm on the streets—both physically and mentally. It had snowballed into a full-blown addiction before he was even twenty years old, and even though he’d been dry for years now, he wasn’t stupid enough to think it was over. It was never going to be over. And he’d not have been able to rebuild his life with that crutch under his arm. So a boozy leaving do? No fucking chance.