I giggle.
“I wouldn’t be okay with your ex-husband staying with you if you were unable to take care of yourself.”
“I don’t have an ex-husband. Never been married.”
His mouth quirks up a bit on one side. “What I’m saying is, it’s okay for you to not want Julie to stay with me and take care of me. I’ll hire an in-home nurse.”
“You’ll get to see Roman every day if she stays with you.”
“True, but at what cost?”
I shrug. “Sounds like no cost. I don’t think she’s going to charge you.”
“You know what I mean. What will be the cost to us?”
“My life won’t change. I have school and work. And you’ll get to see Roman every day. I’d think you were crazy for passing up this opportunity. I’m jealous you’ll get to hang out with him every day. He’s way cooler than my classmates or anyone at the hospital.”
“You’re sure … about Julie?”
I laugh. “She’s my idol. I’d choose her to watch me if I were out of commission.”
“Gee … thanks a lot.”
“Anytime, Dr. Hawkins.”
He rolls his eyes.
“You’ll come over, right? Dinner? Movie nights? Pasta? Xbox?”
Just the four of us. Sounds super awesome. Super awkward. Super unlikely.
“Did you catch the part where I said I have school, work, a dog, two emus, and aging parents?”
“Did you catch the part where I love you? The part that craves time with you?”
I sigh. “I’ll visit when I can.” I mean it. I also have a busy schedule.
“It will be awesome having Roman around more again. God … I miss him so much when he’s with Julie. I just…” a tiny frown steals his smile “…miss him.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Remember When
Elijah
My family has a coming home party for me the next day. Dorothy has to work. Roman goes crazy over the balloons and cake, and Julie wastes no time rearranging things around the house, including shit in my kitchen and bathroom.
“I’m so glad you’re home … and alive. But you should rest now.” Mom kisses my cheek as everyone funnels toward the door.
“Need help getting him upstairs?” Dad asks Julie.
“I think I’ve got it. But thank you.”
Roman gives everyone goodbye hugs and kisses. A few minutes later, it’s just the three of us. It immediately feels weird and familiar at the same time. It’s not the house we lived in together, but most of the furniture is the same. Julie wanted a complete break from our life together which included a new home and all new furnishings. I wanted a better view, and an easy commute, but was fine with the old furniture. I knew Roman would work hard on destroying it anyway.
“I forgot how comfy this leather recliner is.” Julie plops down in the brown recliner while I stay perched on the matching sofa with my casted leg on the coffee table.
“Well, you can’t have it now.” I grin.
She rolls her eyes. “I said it’s comfy, not stylish.”
“Suits Roman and me.”
I wait for her comeback. It defines the previous year. Little jabs here and there, but rarely anything like a boxing match. We manage to always bring it back to Roman. We’re in it for him. I often wonder, if we hadn’t had Roman, would she have left Portland? Would I have ever seen her again?
There’s something different about her right now. So much of her feels familiar, like the Julie I fell in love with twenty-two years ago. But on the outside, I don’t recognize her—the red hair, the breasts, the clothes that hug her curves a little bit more than the comfortable, sensible outfits she wore when we were married.
“Mommy! I’m hungry.” Roman zooms down the stairs and barrels toward her, jumping onto her lap.
“Oopf!” She hugs him, rocking him a bit as he hugs her back.
My world.
My life.
Right here, but not completely real anymore. For a moment, when Julie glances at me and smiles over Roman’s shoulder, I feel like the previous year never happened, like maybe I didn’t just wake up after an accident, maybe I woke up from the nightmare that my wife left me.
In the very next blink, I think of Dorothy.
“Hey, buddy. Can you bring me my phone? It’s on the kitchen table.”
“I get it!” Roman wiggles down from Julie’s lap and runs into the kitchen.
“So … what sounds good for dinner?” She stands, sliding her hands into her back pockets which press her new chest out, showing off the goods.
“We can just order something to be delivered.”
“No. I’m here. I fully intend to make meals. Clean house. Maybe knit something.” She winks.
When she was pregnant with Roman, she took up knitting. That Christmas everyone got scarves and mittens.
“As I recall, the last time you took up knitting, the house never got cleaned and we always ordered delivery.”
“True.” An easy laugh bubbles from her chest. “I’ll try to show a little more restraint this time.”
“Here, Daddy.” Roman brings me my phone.
“Thanks, buddy.”
“You going to help me make dinner, mister?” Julie ruffles Roman’s hair as they both head toward the kitchen.
Dorothy has three more hours of work, but I can’t resist texting her on the off chance that she might break the rules and text me back.
Me: What are you wearing?
She doesn’t respond right away. That’s fine. I have nowhere to go and all the time in the world. Twenty minutes later, she texts me.
Dorothy: Scrubs (shrug emoji)
* * *
Me: What’s the color combination today?
* * *
Dorothy: I’m working
* * *
Me: Two words. I know you’re wearing two colors. Be quick and sneaky. Type two words to me. (folded hands emoji)
* * *
Dorothy: Green white
* * *
Me: Grass green (grass emoji) or surgical green (stethoscope emoji)
She doesn’t answer. I frown. Kudos to Dorothy for taking her job seriously.
While Julie and Roman make dinner, I lean my head back and close my eyes. I dream of jogging along my favorite trail, the windy, narrow paths. Nothing but miles of trees, deep ravines, and the trickling of tiny waterfalls.
“Daddy!”
I jump, cringing as my wounds protest.
“Don’t scare Daddy, silly. Remember we have to be really really nice to him.” Julie hooks Roman around the waist with her arm and kisses him on the cheek as she scoops him up into her arms. “Let me get the wild man his food. Then I’ll help you to the table. Unless you’d rather eat on the sofa.”
“The table is fine. If I eat out here, Roman will want to eat out here too. And that will turn into an unbreakable habit.”
Julie nuzzles Roman’s ear as he giggles. “So very true. I’ll be right back.”
We eat tacos.
I think of Dorothy and her love of tacos … and all food really.
After dinner, Roman sits between me and Julie on the sofa (my leg propped up on the coffee table), and we take turns reading him his favorite stories.
At eight o’clock, Julie takes him upstairs to tuck him in bed.
Dorothy: Surgical green
I smile as my phone chimes.
Me: How was work today?
* * *
Dorothy: Same as every day. How are you feeling?
* * *
Me: Like I fell into a steep ravine.
(Three rolling on the floor laughing emojis)
When can I see you?
* * *
Dorothy: IDK
* * *
Me: Not an acceptable answer. (neutral face emoji)
* * *
Dorothy: Your house is only twenty minutes from my school. I have a 2.5 hr break between classes on Mondays. I could bring you lunch. And Roman.
And Dr. Hathaway.
I stare at the last line of her text. Julie is living with me. Helping me. Allowing me more time with Roman. I’m grateful. Of that, there is no question. But it doesn’t bode well for my time with Dorothy.
Me. My son. My girlfriend. And … my ex-wife.
But maybe that’s it. I mean … I’ve seen it before. I’ve seen those rare instances where couples divorce. Share custody. And actually remain friends. Friends with each other. Friends with each other’s new love interests. Maybe it doesn’t have to be an awkward situation. Maybe it can be an opportunity.
After all, Julie left me. There should be no jealousy on her part. And Dorothy idolizes Julie, so they stand a good chance of becoming friends.
Me: That would be awesome. I’ll pay you back.
* * *
Dorothy: Not concerned about the money. I’ll text you the menu so you guys can decide what you want. I can be there by 11:30. (high-five emoji)
* * *
Me: Sounds perfect. Can’t wait to see you! (high-five emoji, heart emoji)
I start to type “I love you,” but delete it. She knows. I told her with no uncertainty exactly how I feel. No need to suffocate her with the words. But damn! I sure do feel them.
Dorothy: Love you! Goodnight! (Face blowing a kiss emoji, sleeping emoji)
“What’s that grin all about?”
I glance up as Julie takes the last two steps. A curious grin on her face.
Our newfound friendship doesn’t seem ready for me to tell her I can’t stop grinning because Dorothy Mayhem loves me. And she said it with emojis too. Yeah, I’m over the fucking moon, ready to bust out of my cast and do a happy dance.
Okay, maybe not quite yet. My body needs a little more time to catch up to my emotional enthusiasm.
“Just reading a message.” I toss my phone on the sofa beside me.
“From your mom?” Julie sits at the opposite end of the sofa, hugging her knees to her chest.
It’s hard to not stare at her. I’m still not used to her new look, and she’s had it for months.
“No. It was Dorothy. Her shift just ended. She’s stopping by tomorrow between classes, bringing all of us lunch.”
Oh … and she loves me.
Julie rolls her lips together and nods. “That’s … sweet.”
I ignore the way she makes it sound like Dorothy is a neighbor girl bringing by a May Day basket for Roman.
“As grateful as I am for what you’re doing, I can’t help but wonder if it won’t put a kink in your personal life. I hope you know that my family can help. Definitely on the weekends. If you want to make plans or even stay at your place on the weekends, I’ll be fine. You know my family would take care of me and Roman.”
“Wow! I haven’t been here a full day and you’re dismissing me?” Julie’s eyes widen.
“No.” I chuckle. “I’m just thinking ahead is all. I feel like we all agreed to this arrangement without giving it thorough consideration.”
“Well…” her lips twist as she averts her gaze to the coffee table “…my personal life isn’t as exciting at the moment as what you probably imagine.”
“I try not to imagine your personal life.”
She ignores my jab.
“I was seeing someone. I didn’t tell anyone. Never introduced Roman to him.” She glances at me with a flat smile as if to make me feel guilty for Dorothy’s and Roman’s relationship.
Fuck you. Dorothy’s amazing. It’s your own fault you’re not finding people who adore our son like Dorothy does.
“He went back to his family.”
“Is that code for you had an affair with a married man?”
She jerks her head back and shoots me a scowl. “No!”
Really, how was I to know? In all fairness to me, Julie’s favorite line is “You just don’t know me anymore.”
“They were divorced.”
“And now they’re back together?”
She nods, resting her chin on her knees. “And for the record … as I’ve said before, even if you didn’t believe me … I never cheated on you. I didn’t leave you because I was having an affair. There was no one else. I didn’t leave you for another man, I left you for me.”
I nod. “I forgive you.”
“For leaving you?”
“No.” I narrow my eyes. “I don’t think leaving me requires an apology. I mean … we apologize for things we regret, right? I’ve never felt that you regret leaving me. But I have always felt your regret for hurting me. And for that, I forgive you.”
As I shift my gaze to meet her teary eyes, she quickly wipes them. “You don’t know how much I’ve needed to hear you say that.”
“Well, I’m sorry I couldn’t say it sooner.”
She leans back and runs her hands through her hair. “I was struggling in ways you didn’t know.”
“What do you mean?”
She shakes her head. “Nothing. It’s not the time to discuss it.”
“Look at me. I’m a pretty captive audience at the moment, completely dependent on outside help to even make it to the toilet … which by the way, I’ll need to get to one soon.”
“Oh!” She jumps up. “Sorry. Jeez, of course. You drank tons of water with dinner and your pills, of course your eyeballs have to be floating.”
“It’s fine. I think I’m good if you just hand me the crutches.”
“You still need help because of your ribs.”
I’m a mess and still really fucking weak, so I don’t protest.
She walks right beside me as I hobble to the main floor bathroom.
“Do you need help getting your pants down?”
I give her a quick glance. Is she blushing?
“I’m starting to think I should have hired someone … a professional.”
“I’m a doctor, in case you didn’t get the memo. That makes me a professional. And I’ve seen it all.”
“That’s why you turned your back on me when I undressed to put on a gown after the coffee incident.”
“You didn’t need my help undressing, so it wasn’t helping, which meant I just would have been watching you undress. You know the difference.”
I have to pee. Badly …
“Just look away.” I pull down the front of my sweatpants while she helps me balance, turning her head in the opposite direction.
I grab her shoulders, feeling a bit fatigued just from the trip to the bathroom. A slight bit of nausea sweeps over me too, from the pressure on my surgical wounds.
I pee for what feels like ten minutes. “I’m not doing so well.”
“Oh!” She jerks my pants up.
Jesus … I didn’t ask her to do that. What was the point of looking away?
“Let’s get you back to the sofa. Can you make it? Do I need to help you ease to the floor?”
“Sofa. Go …” I tilt my chin up and focus on my breathing.
Julie grips my waist, and we let one crutch drop to the floor as she helps me hobble back to the sofa.
As soon as my butt connects with the cushion, I lean my head back, sweat beading along my brow.
“Good?”
I whisper a quick, “Yeah.”
She returns from the kitchen a few minutes later with a cold washcloth for my forehead and an electrolyte drink.
“The more I drink, the more I’ll have to pee.” I take a sip.
“I’m going to grab a catheter kit tomorrow. I think that will be easier.”
She’s joking … at least I think it’s a joke.
“So … I think you’re sleeping downstairs tonight.”
I grin on a tiny laugh. “Yeah, we’re not tackling the stairs quite yet.”
Julie sits on the opposite side of the sofa again. Our grins fade after a few seconds, leaving us with nothing to say in a silent room.
“I was scared, Eli.”
My gaze finds her. But she stares at her hands in her lap.
“I let you go, yet I was so damn scared of losing you
when they took you into surgery. All of my reasons for leaving you felt ridiculous and petty. This boulder of regret landed on me, and I could barely breathe. I thought … this is it. This is God’s way of testing me. You know? Like really testing me to see if I truly believed I could live without you. If I really want to live without you.”
No. I can’t let her think like this. Nope. It’s too late to have these thoughts. So I smile on a sigh. “Well, good thing I’m okay. You worrying and overthinking things … thinking God was speaking to you … well, it wasn’t that at all. Just good old fear. A very normal reaction to traumatic situations.”
Julie glances up at me for a few seconds. I don’t want her looking at me like she’s still overthinking things.
“Can you get me my toothbrush and toothpaste? A bowl and some water? I think I’m done making trips to the bathroom until I absolutely have to pee.”
She takes a few more seconds before nodding. “Yes. I’ll get you fixed up.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Firsts
Dorothy
Eli messages me their orders. I pick up sandwiches and cookies from my favorite cafe and drive to Eli’s house.
“Dorfee! Roman hugs my legs as soon as Dr. Hathaway opens the door.
“Hey, little Romeo!”
“Careful, wild man. She has her hands full. Hi, Dorothy.” Dr. Hathaway smiles. A real one, I feel pretty sure of it. I’ve seen her smile in professional situations, her confidence shines. That’s the smile she gives me.
Keep This Promise Page 188