Marcus looks thunderstruck. ‘Louisa. You don’t owe that wanker anything. He’s the one that ran off anyway. Can’t you see? He knows you too well. He obviously wants something and he’s playing on the honourable side of your nature to take advantage of you.’
Goodness. How illuminating. So Marcus thinks I have an honourable side. I’m quite flattered. But it’s not helping my muddled thoughts one bit.
‘If I’m completely honest with you,’ I say slowly, ‘then I think I’m going to have to arrange another meeting with him. At least, to hear what he’s got to say.’
Not surprisingly, it kind of kills the evening. Marcus is looking quite furious and we go home shortly after that. I ask him in, but he refuses, coming up with an excuse that is plainly just that. He’s suddenly distant, just when we were getting on so well. But sadly, there’s nothing I can do. Except what I think I ought to do, which is to call Arian and invite him over to talk.
I badly need a woman’s take on this. It doesn’t seem right to burden Leonie at the moment with everything that’s going on with Pete, so I call Emma and for once, she answers straight away.
‘Can you come round Em? Only I need your advice, wise vet friend,’ I say.
‘Of course Lou. Is about half an hour okay? See you then.’
Emma’s reaction is a bit like Marcus’s, only what she actually says is, ‘So he’s managed to screw up your marriage by cheating on you, and now, just as you’ve scraped yourself together and are getting back on your feet as a more or less happy single person, you’re going to let him come waltzing back in to screw that up too.’
Then sits there looking at me as though I’m certifiable.
And actually, she almost convinces me. But there’s still my conscience whispering away in all its misguided wisdom, but you’re still married, it does make a difference, remember the vows...
‘It’s not quite like that Em,’ I try to explain, but clearly she thinks I’m off my rocker.
In spite of all well-meaning advice to the contrary, I call Arian. With some trepidation. Best to get it over with, I decide.
‘Louisa!’ He sounds more like his chirpy old self. ‘How are you?’
‘I’m calling you, Arian, to ask you if you want to come over this evening. Just to talk, nothing more,’ I emphasise firmly.
‘Yeah! Great! What time?’ He sounds far too delighted. Not one bit like a penitent Casanova and I’m already beginning to regret this.
‘Er, six thirty?’ I say.
‘Okay, see you later.’ He’s gone. Just those brief words of conversation have left me tense and needing some air.
Arian is early. It makes no difference. It’s not like I was going to any effort for him.
He leans forward to kiss me on the cheek, and I immediately think of Marcus.
‘You better come in.’ I lead him through to my kitchen, indicating a chair at my table.
‘Beer, wine?’ I offer.
‘Wine would be nice.’
Even Elmer is cool with him and glues herself loyally to my side. Then we sit across the table from each other and I try to explain my line of thought.
‘I’ve thought about this a lot Arian, since you came round before. The bottom line is, you’ve completely destroyed our relationship. Smashed it to pieces. There’s no love and certainly no trust. I’m not sure I even like you anymore.’ I can hardly believe what I’m saying. ‘The only thing left is the piece of paper saying we’re still married. That, and this voice in my head that I honestly wish would shut up, telling me annoyingly and illogically, that even though you didn’t, I ought to honour the vows I made.’
Arian’s face lights up most inappropriately. How can he be smiling when I’ve just told him that I don’t love him? Did he even listen to what I said?
But he’s taken my hands, telling me that I won’t regret it, that I’m a wonderful person and in the next breath how he’s never stopped loving me.
I snatch those hands back. ‘Hands off, mate. I haven’t agreed to anything. Weren’t you listening? All I said was I’m having an argument with my conscience.’
‘Oh,’ is all he says, looking like a sulky little boy again.
‘However, as a compromise, I think we should try dating. See how it goes. But only for now, that’s all.’
Arian looks a little more sober at last. Good. He’s realised at last that I don’t feel the same enthusiasm he does.
‘So, it’s over to you Arian. Those are my terms. Take it or leave it.’ Hoping he’ll just walk away.
‘Okay,’ he says slowly. Reluctantly. ‘It’ll be very odd though.’ Then in a rush he adds, ‘Couldn’t we just move back in together and carry on where we left off?’
But he sees the expression on my face, and rapidly adds, ‘No, of course not. Sorry.’
He goes after that, more subdued than when he arrived, and I’m unashamedly relieved to see the back of him.
18
The filing takes up most of the next week too. I decide I need the opinion of someone wise and sensible, like Agnes, on the burgeoning problems that my love life is posing.
At the end of the day, as I’m tidying up the office and before I go and get Elmer, I ask her,
‘Agnes, do you have a spare ten minutes, only I’ve got a real dilemma going on...’
‘Of course, dear. Now. Just let me switch the answerphone on. There. Now, what exactly is it?’
‘It’s complicated Agnes, and I’m not at all sure I’m doing the right thing.’ I fill her in on everything, including my friendship with Marcus and how everyone except me thinks I must be crazy to even give Arian the time of day.
When I finish, Agnes is looking at me intently. ‘Louisa. I think it’s commendable that you’re prepared to go to such lengths to honour your wedding vows.’
I look at her, surprised. ‘Don’t look so surprised,’ she continues briskly. ‘So many people give up far too easily these days. It doesn’t matter what your friends think, or what I think either. Only that you do what you think is right. It’s true that your ex-husband totally disregarded his vows and it may well be that you don’t have a future together at all. But at least this way, you’ll never look back and regret you didn’t try.’
I consider what she’s saying. I haven’t thought of it quite in those terms before. Interesting. And I think I know now, what I have to do.
‘Just one thing,’ she says, looking at me with such kindness. ‘You do know, don’t you? That whatever you do, it will work out for the best.’
Arian calls that evening, to invite me to dinner on Thursday and I accept. I wouldn’t exactly say I’m looking forward to it, but I’ve decided that it’s the right thing to do. I wonder what it will be like, going on a date with the man I used to share my life with? Quite possibly like putting on an old coat, only to find the sleeves have shrunk or someone’s sewn up the pockets, I suspect, but I tell myself that there’s no point if I don’t keep an open mind.
We go to the Italian in the nearest village. Arian has an advantage in that he already knows what I like plus the food is always good here. Conversation however, is a little stilted.
‘How are your parents?’ he asks, really scraping the barrel here. He didn’t even ask when we were married.
I splutter into my wine, and tell him that my mother utterly blames me for his adulterous behaviour. ‘Oh no, she really does,’ I tell him. ‘I nearly stabbed her with the carving knife.’
‘Oh,’ he says, more soberly. ‘I suppose at some point, I ought to go and see them.’
‘Maybe not just yet Arian,’ I suggest. ‘Let’s see how things go.’
It’s a terrible idea. I can’t have him getting my mother’s hopes up, only for them to be dashed when we break up again. Arian doesn’t have to cope with the fall-out.
‘So, where do we go from here?’ I ask him. If we’re going to try to resolve our problems, don’t we need a plan? Think back Arian. There must have been a reason why it didn’t work between us. Haven’t y
ou ever noticed how little we ever talked to each other?’
But Arian’s hmmphing impatiently at me. ‘Don’t be silly Louisa. Of course we talked. Every day. We lived together didn’t we?’
‘Arian. I don’t recall us ever having a conversation of any substance unless it was over a bottle of wine with Pete and Leonie, until the night you told me about Karina. I think at the very least we need counselling.’
‘Look, it wasn’t anything you did, it was me,’ he says resignedly.
I think about it for a moment. But actually, the more I look back at our marriage, there are gaping holes all over the place.
‘Nice of you to say so, but I’m not sure it’s that simple,’ I say with a hint of sarcasm. Then suggest ‘perhaps we should go to Relate…’ Looking at his face, you’d think I’d suggested eating witchetty grubs.
‘Up to you,’ says Arian grumpily. ‘Look, I feel like I’m on trial here, Lou. Can’t we just get on with it and see how it goes for a bit?’
This isn’t at all what I imagined. I’m getting the feeling that he’s not at all prepared to make an effort. For someone apparently so intent on making amends, it’s just a little bit strange.
‘Well, I think for both our sakes, we should give it a time limit, at the end of which we make a decision,’ I say. ‘I was thinking of about a month.’
Gosh, I’m being impressively matter of fact here. He’s not looking thrilled.
‘Where are you living?’ I ask him.
He’s vague. ‘Oh, I’m lodging in another pilot’s house for a bit - until I find somewhere to buy.’
And then, because I’m downright nosy, and because she’s the reason our marriage broke up in the first place, I ask him about Karina. And to my great surprise, find I’ve opened a whole can of worms.
Arian is trying not to show that he actually is quite upset about the whole business.
‘We haven’t worked out what we’re going to do when the baby arrives. I mean, it’s not as though I can share looking after it when it’s tiny, but as it gets older, I’ll be able to get more involved.’
He doesn’t sound convinced, but then Arian has never been keen on babies. I can’t help wondering if he’s one of those men who can’t stand not being the centre of attention.
‘For goodness sake, Arian. The baby will be wonderful!’ I tell him firmly. ‘Don’t you think it’s miraculous that half your genes will make up that tiny little person?’
Just as long as the poor mite doesn’t get the unfaithful ones.
‘You’re going to be a Daddy!’ I add enthusiastically, ‘and just think, he or she’s bound to end up being a pilot!’
And this time, I’m not taking the piss. Why can’t he wake up to the fact that it really is an amazing experience that lies ahead of him and that he’s lucky? It’s a miracle that’s happening, only he doesn’t see that.
And I’m curious, because he hasn’t told me yet. Why he and Karina broke up. Eventually I winkle it out of him.
‘No particular reason,’ he says unhappily. ‘We were getting on each other’s nerves I suppose. Both stressed out with work. It got worse when Karina had to stop flying. She loves it and I think she resented me still going off to work as usual. She’s been having terrible morning sickness.’
I can just imagine how sensitively he coped with that. Probably just told her to man up and stop being such a girl, while she retched over a toilet bowl. And Arian meanwhile is the one who takes offence. How do I find the words to explain to him that he’s behaved like a first class moron.
‘Arian. Have you tried to put yourself in Karina’s shoes? Let’s see. She’s worked as hard as you have, in a testosterone-driven environment, to get the job she’s always wanted. You, an unavailable married man, whisk her off her feet, impregnate her and then, when she’s unable to do the job she loves because your foetus is making her as sick as a dog, you are the one who feels hard done by and you run out on her.’
I’m feeling quite defensive on her behalf which is utterly bizarre. I certainly didn’t expect to be sitting here giving marriage guidance to my ex-husband.
‘Oh.’ Arian looks up, quite shocked as he registers what I’ve just said. Then his face takes on a look of utter confusion. ‘Do you really think that?’
I roll my eyes at him. For a relatively intelligent man, at times he can be a complete dimwit.
‘Arian,’ I try again wearily. ‘Listen. Imagine you are Karina.’ I say it slowly, as though he is particularly thick. I’m beginning to think he is. ‘How would you be feeling right now?’
At last the penny drops. ‘Oh God. I’ve been an idiot haven’t I?’ He drops his head into his hands.
I’m sitting there nodding my head.
‘Um Lou...do you think, well...’ He’s too embarrassed to ask me if I mind if we call it a night.
‘You want to go? What a shame. I was rather looking forward to dessert,’ I say brightly. Well, why should I make it easy for him. He doesn’t deserve it. He’s a rat.
But I relent. Now that he’s come to his senses, I’ve no desire to spend any longer than necessary with him.
He drops me home, earlier than expected and fortunately doesn’t come in.
‘Good luck,’ I say. He looks at me, puzzled. He just can’t fathom how I’m suddenly fine about his extra-marital relationship. ‘I mean it, Arian. Go on, you’ve got some making up to do.’
Well, that was the last thing I expected. I’d imagined I’d have a problem keeping Arian at arm’s length. Ha. I’m obviously not that irresistible. But one very good thing has come out of this evening and that is that I have most definitely laid a ghost. And hopefully silenced my irritating conscience for good.
But the best thing is that a huge weight has lifted from my shoulders, as Arian has proved to me once and for all, just how unreliable he is and how utterly clueless when it comes to relationships. When he picked me up this evening, he was intent on worming his way back into favour with me. Only two hours later, and he’s scuttled off to try and patch things up with Karina. I wonder how she’d feel if she knew what he’d been up to.
Agnes was right. I need to tell Emma too, that she needn’t worry. That all is resolved. That I’ve seen the light and Arian’s gone back to Karina. The only regret I have is about Marcus, who now thinks I am utterly unreliable and flakier than ever. How do I convince him I’m not?
19
Frustratingly, I don’t see Marcus on Friday, nor the whole of the following week. It seems he’s taken a few days off. He didn’t mention anything before he left, but I can’t help wondering if it’s something to do with what happened between us - or rather didn’t. Agnes isn’t giving anything away and Emma doesn’t know where he is either. Or so they tell me. I’m disappointed that he isn’t here to share my news with. To make up for his absence, Stella is working full time and no-one seems able to tell me for how long.
‘Never mind Lou, why don’t you come out with me tonight?’ Emma asks me, sensing my peculiar mood. ‘I’m meeting Ben and some friends of his later on. Only in the pub. How about it?’
Seeing as I’m not doing anything else, I think unenthusiastically, I suppose I might as well.
In the event, it turns out that it’s me, Emma, Ben and half a dozen of his mates, all male except for Samantha, who runs his stable yard.
‘She’s been seeing Sam you know,’ whispers Emma in my ear, none too quietly. Sam and Samantha. I wonder if I should mention the pink knickers.
Samantha’s fun actually and so are the guys. One of Ben’s friends, Oliver, seems to be trying to chat me up.
‘So you work with Emma,’ he says. He’s a nice enough guy, but with an air of intent that’s seriously scary.
‘Mmm,’ I say half-heartedly in response, my eyes glancing around the pub for Marcus.
‘Ben tells me you’ve got Daisy’s old horse – Horace isn’t it?’
That gets a more enthusiastic response. ‘I have, he’s fabulous,’ I say. ‘I completely love him.�
��
Oliver tells me about a horse of Ben’s that he rides quite a lot. I think he’s waiting for me to suggest that we go riding together, but I won’t be doing that. I’m rather possessive about my outings with Horace. They’re not for sharing, being strictly for the two of us.
He must sense that I’m not really interested, because he gradually wanders away to try his luck elsewhere. I have to admit, I’m finding I’m quite preoccupied with thoughts of Marcus tonight. And not just tonight, actually. Just to emphasise my complete and utter failure with him, Emma and Ben are practically glued together. They become more inseparable with every passing day.
I go home early in the end. So early it’s still light. And I’m sober, which is just as well, because the instant I walk through the door, the phone rings. It’s Leonie. And she’s distraught.
‘Lou…’ she’s sobbing. ‘Please can you come over? Now? It’s Pete...’ In the background I hear the sound of glass smashing. ‘He’s drunk and he’s completely lost it...’
‘Okay Leo, calm down, I’ll be right over.’
I think for a moment and then can’t believe I’m doing it. I’m calling Arian. Thank God he answers.
‘Louisa! What a surprise!’ but I cut him short.
‘Arian, get over to Pete and Leonie’s NOW. Please...’ I beg him. Somehow I think a drunk and out of control Pete is going to be more than just Leo and I can deal with.
‘Arian, this is really important. Pete’s smashing the house up as we speak.’
‘Okay, okay. I’ll be there.’
For once, I can honestly say my ex-husband is a godsend. Pete most eloquently calls him a two-timing shithead and tries to punch him on the nose. The alcohol hasn’t completely numbed his brain then. He misses of course and falls over. Arian just tells him he’s a meathead and steers him out into the garden. Eventually he gets him sitting down, and the next minute, Pete’s aggression has evaporated and he’s crying pitifully in Arian’s arms.
The Impossible Search for the Perfect Man Page 11