by HJ Welch
Ashby’s last thought before he drifted off was that he felt so very safe.
21
Ashby
A clattering noise startled Ashby awake. He was in an unfamiliar bed with his heart racing as he scrambled to pull the covers around him. He was naked. He was sore.
Slowly, he released the breath he’d been holding as wonderful memories came flooding back to him. It was okay. He’d been with Trent last night. It had been beyond fantastic. The soreness he was experiencing only served as a reminder of their time together. So rather than let it bother him, Ashby squirmed his arse a little bit and enjoyed the slight stinging sensation.
He was alone in the bed. Reaching over, the sheets still felt warm. Then another clattering sound came from the adjoining bathroom where the door had been left ajar.
Trent must be in there, Ashby figured. Was he taking a shower?
Even though they were sharing the room, Ashby felt like he ought to be looking after Trent. Shame swept through him. He should have heard Trent get up, not just left him to his own devices. Ashby glanced at the clock and saw it was still early – far earlier than they needed to get up to make it back to the airport for their flight. But there was no going back to sleep now. Ashby felt awful lounging about while Trent was up and busy.
Sheepishly, he slipped out of bed and picked up the first shirt he found. It happened to be Trent’s, so it was big enough to cover Ashby’s more intimate areas once he’d buttoned it up. He padded over the carpet and carefully pushed the bathroom door open a little.
“Trent?” he said, standing just on the threshold rather than simply barging in. His heart was in his throat. Last night had been so amazing. The last thing he wanted was for Trent to think he was being selfish.
Within a second Trent appeared at the door, opening it all the way. His smile was like sunshine breaking through the rainclouds. He was wearing a bath towel wrapped around his hips and his hair and skin were damp. He must have just had a shower after all.
“Hey,” he said softly. “I thought you were still sleeping. Did I wake you?”
Ashby swallowed. He didn’t sound pissed off. “Um,” he said, fiddling with one of the shirt buttons. “I’m sorry I overslept.”
Trent frowned and stepped forward. “You didn’t,” he said, shaking his head. He reached out and slipped his hand behind Ashby’s neck. Ashby couldn’t help but melt into the touch. “Is something wrong?”
Ashby thought about the clattering. A quick glance showed several single-use toiletries on the counter and plenty of splattered water droplets. Maybe the clattering was just an accident? Ashby bit his lip. Crashing and banging was the kind of thing Gordon did to make him feel guilty all the time. He would have been mad that Ashby was asleep when it wasn’t even as though they’d set their alarms and still had plenty of time to check out.
“I thought you might have thought I was being selfish,” he mumbled, feeling himself blush. Was that crazy? Now he was saying it out loud, it did sound a little nuts. But Gordon had flipped out or given him the silent treatment for far less when they were together.
Trent frowned. “Selfish?” he repeated. “I was just taking a shower. I didn’t want to disturb you.”
Ashby tried to loosen the knot of worry in his gut. “Oh, okay,” he said nodding. He pulled at the shirt cuffs as embarrassment crept over him.
“Is this about last night?” Trent asked. He raised his other hand and rubbed Ashby’s arm. “Do you regret it?”
“No,” Ashby blurted out. He cleared his throat and licked his lips, his gaze dropping to the white floor tiles. “I mean, not if you don’t. No.”
Trent leaned over and kissed his forehead. “I don’t,” he said. “But it is a lot. You want to have that talk?” He looked down at Ashby’s bare feet. “You must be cold. Get back into bed.”
Ashby realized he was shaking. So he nodded and allowed Trent to lead him out of the bathroom and back towards the bed. He crawled under the blankets and curled up, not even sneaking a peek as Trent dropped his bath sheet and slipped in after him.
Trent laid his head on the pillow and looked at Ashby with concern. Ashby blinked and looked away. He was acting like a freak and Trent was going to run for the hills.
“Can I hold you?” Trent asked.
Ashby looked back at him. He was used to guys just pulling him in when they wanted him. Trent’s chivalry was borderline unnerving. But…also extremely sweet. Ashby really fucking liked being asked what he wanted and not having someone make assumptions.
Feeling some of that tension finally melt a little, Ashby nodded and scooted over to let Trent slip his arms around him. Trent kissed his hair and caressed him through the shirt with little circles he was making with his fingers.
“What’s on your mind?” Trent asked.
Ashby shrugged. “Don’t know,” he said truthfully. It was stupid of him to jump to conclusions about the noises from the bathroom. Now he felt like an idiot for making a fuss for no reason. Trent just hummed, though, and kept holding him. He sighed. “I guess my ex liked forcing me to jump through hoops and it made me nervous,” he said. “When you weren’t in the bed, I mean. That’s not your fault. I’m just being neurotic.”
Trent stroked his hair. “Guy sounds like an asshole,” he said. Ashby snorted. That was one way of putting it. “I’m sorry I worried you. No one wants to wake up alone after the first time they sleep with someone.”
As unsure as Ashby was, his ears couldn’t help but prick up at Trent’s words. ‘First time’? Did that mean he wanted there to be more times?
“I’m not made of glass,” Ashby grumbled, irritated with himself. “I should be able to work out you’re just in the other room and not go mental. You must think I’m like a pathetic puppy.”
“No,” said Trent, lengthening the ‘oh’ sound and rocking Ashby back and forth. “I think you’re an adorable puppy. Good boy.”
Ashby swatted his arm. But it felt good to smile.
“Do you want to talk about what happened last night?” Trent asked.
Nerves wiped the smile from Ashby’s face pretty quickly. “Um, yes,” he said. He didn’t know what the hell he wanted to say, but he did want to talk. “Do you want to go first?” He figured the ‘straight guy’ would have more issues at this point.
“Oh, sure,” Trent said. They were still cuddled close, but now their gazes were locked together. Trent took a deep breath. “I don’t know what this means. About me,” he clarified. “But I really like you, Ashby. I liked being with you.” A smile crept onto his face. “That was seriously hot sex. But…well, I like you as a person too.”
“I like you too,” Ashby said, making himself be brave. “And, um, yeah. Fantastic sex. Ten out of ten.”
Trent snorted. “I’m pretty sure fucking isn’t an Olympic sport.”
“Well, it should be,” said Ashby sincerely. “That was one hell of a workout.”
Trent laughed again and kissed Ashby lightly on the lips. “You’re so cute,” he said. “So…everything’s okay?”
He clearly wasn’t convinced about Ashby’s freak-out being unrelated to having sex last night. If he was being honest, Ashby couldn’t one hundred percent say it wasn’t. Had he perhaps transferred some of his anxiety about Trent being supposedly straight into his worries just now?
“Yes,” he said firmly. “I suppose…” He played with the edge of his pillow, then traced a finger along the word written over Trent’s heart: Bulletproof. “I suppose I was maybe a tiny bit worried you were just using me for kicks. For an experiment. And, well, I know this is just a holiday thing or whatever. But I’d rather not be dumped on my arse just yet.”
Because he had to face facts. He was heading back to London in two weeks. So there was always going to be an expiration date on whatever this was. But he so desperately didn’t want to feel used by Trent.
“I’d never use anyone,” Trent said with a frown toward the ceiling. “I guess there have been times where I’v
e been with someone and it started out as no strings then one of us got attached. But not on purpose.” He blew out a lungful of air and looked back down at Ashby. “I’d like to make use of the time we have. If that’s what you want,” he added.
Was it Ashby’s imagination or did he sound nervous? Like he was afraid that Ashby wouldn’t want him?
“It is,” said Ashby carefully. “But…it doesn’t bother you that I have a cock?”
Trent nibbled his lip and frowned in thought. “I’m aware of the fact,” he admitted. “And it is kind of strange if I think about it too much.” That was fair. Ashby could understand that. It didn’t mean he could stop his heart from tightening in his chest just a little. “But,” Trent continued, “is it okay if I just don’t think about it?”
“In what way?” Ashby asked.
Trent shrugged. “I just know I like hanging out with you, and last night was amazing. Can we just keep on doing that, for now? And not get ourselves wrapped up in other things.”
“Like,” said Ashby slowly. “No labels?”
“Is that a total dick move?” Trent asked. He looked Ashby in the eye, not flinching away as Ashby stroked his hair.
“No,” said Ashby honestly.
He didn’t want to be anyone’s boyfriend right now. Who knew if they would even keep in touch once Ashby went home to London and Trent went back to making movies? He also didn’t care if Trent didn’t want to name his sexuality. That was entirely his business. So, actually, continuing like this sounded blissful.
“Friends can be a label, though,” Ashby added shyly. “Can’t it?”
Trent smiled and kissed the tip of his nose. “Definitely friends. Good friends,” he said. He looked down at the shirt Ashby was wearing. “Maybe…naked friends again?” He wiggled his eyebrows.
Ashby laughed, the last remnants of the morning’s stress finally leaving him. “Sounds marvelous,” he said. He glanced at the clock. “You know, we still have a few hours before we have to head to the airport.”
Trent hummed. “Yeah,” he said. “I was supposed to get brunch with the boys.”
“Oh, of course,” Ashby said quickly. But Trent shook his head.
“I’m thinking we get room service,” he said as his hands slipped under his shirt and began to roam over Ashby’s body, making him quiver. “Just you, me, maybe some cream of some kind?”
Ashby pretended to scoff even as his cock came to life. “I don’t know what you’re suggesting, sir,” he said in his best uppity voice. “But it doesn’t sound hygienic in the slightest.”
“That’s what the shower’s for,” Trent mumbled as he began kissing down Ashby’s neck and chest, heading under the covers.
How could Ashby argue with that?
In the end, they were too busy kissing and giving each other hand jobs to order food. But they still had time to shower, pack and meet the guys for a late breakfast. Not everyone was there, though. Apparently, Elion was too hungover to drag himself out of bed, and Levi and Raiden had already left to head back to Kentucky. Blake looked to still be on a post-wedding high though, and Gabe and Joey were their usual cheery selves.
They were also still the two most observant people in the room, apparently. Ashby was fully aware of the way their eyes traveled between him and Trent as they sat down at their table. Ashby panicked. Had they been walking too close together? He usually tried to be so careful of such things. You never knew what homophobic arsehole was watching.
But it seemed Joey was just eager for gossip. Luckily, though, he was in between Gabe and Blake, so that apparently made him behave. But he clearly wanted to ask where Ashby and Trent had gotten to last night.
Gabe and Blake held up most of the conversation as they ordered, then ate brunch. Trent was unusually quiet, even for him. He had barely said two words after they left the hotel room, which worried Ashby. It was all well and good saying labels didn’t matter and they shouldn’t over-think things when they were naked and fucking. But the real world didn’t stop existing.
Trent was no doubt questioning a lot of things about himself. How he felt, what did this mean for the future? It wouldn’t be the first time Ashby had let a straight guy fuck him only to have him go back to his dude-bro ways immediately after. But before Ashby hadn’t cared.
He cared now.
But what was he really hoping to happen? This was a holiday romance at best, but more than likely just a one-night-stand. He needed to draw back, protect his heart. He’d promised faithfully that he would take a break from men and work on himself. Yet here he was, pining over a guy who was probably already passionately regretting what they did.
Ashby was so lost in thought he didn’t realize his name was being called. He looked up to see Blake smiling at him. “Sorry, man. You hungover, too?”
Ashby tried equally not to blush nor to look at Trent. “Yes,” he said with a laugh and sipped some orange juice.
“I just asked if you were enjoying your vacation?” Blake asked. “TJ said you met at the resort. That’s pretty awesome you were able to come here as well when you weren’t prepared.”
“Oh, no,” said Ashby with a wave of his hand. “I travel all the time. Trent hadn’t booked his flights yet, so it was all very easy.”
“Is that with work?” Gabe asked. Ashby blinked at him. “The travel,” Gabe explained with a smile. “What is it you do?”
Fuck. Ashby had almost made it through the whole weekend as well. “Uh, I’m…between projects right now,” he said evasively. “But I’m lucky that my family is well off, so I’m just seeing some new places for a while. ‘Finding myself,’” he added with air quotes and an eye roll to show he knew how stupid he sounded.
But the guys didn’t sneer at him. “That’s great,” Joey said, nodding at Blake and Trent. “Traveling definitely helped me work out who I wanted to be.” He looked at Gabe and slipped his fingers between his husband’s. “It’s a big wide world out there.”
They had been traveling for work, though. They were touring and doing all sorts of exciting things. Ashby was just bored and running away from his awful ex-boyfriend. He didn’t say that, however. He just smiled and finished his eggs.
Blake, Joey and Gabe managed to chat enough to keep the rest of brunch from becoming awkward, but it was like a black cloud was hovering over Trent and Ashby’s anxiety was eating him up. Ashby had ruined this for Trent. He’d just wanted to spend some quality time with his friends, and yet here he was no doubt worrying himself sick over what Ashby had encouraged him to do last night.
He knew this would be a mistake. And now he had lost what small, budding friendship they’d had together.
Eventually, Ashby was relieved to bid the other guys farewell. At least they all hugged him and made noises about seeing him again soon. Like that would ever happen.
He dared to ask if Trent was okay on the cab ride to the airport. To be fair, Trent blinked like he was coming out of a trance, then smiled at Ashby. There was a tightness to it, but Trent still reached out and wrapped his hand around Ashby’s where it was resting on the seat between them. “Tired,” he grunted. But his smile twitched again as he squeezed Ashby’s hand once more and rubbed his thumb against the back of Ashby’s knuckles.
Little butterflies of hope unfurled in Ashby’s chest. Maybe Trent didn’t hate him. But he was clearly disturbed by what had happened.
Ashby wouldn’t push him again. What they’d shared had been incredible for him, unforgettable. But he was leaving to go back to England in two weeks anyway. At best, he and Trent could remain friends, leaving Ashby the memory of their time together to cherish.
It would have to do.
22
Trent
What the actual fuck was Trent doing?
He was weird with Ashby the whole way back from Ohio and couldn’t seem to think of a single thing to talk about. Give him a script and he’d act the shit out of anything. But trying to pretend he was fine when he wasn’t had turned him into a grunting go
rilla.
He felt awful. Ashby was clearly freaking out and Trent should have just told him everything was okay.
But it wasn’t. Trent had no idea what their night together meant. Yes, he’d loved it. And Ashby wasn’t putting any pressure on him to label himself or commit in any way. But Trent knew something seismic had shifted within him and he didn’t know what to do about it.
Why was this so hard for him? Raiden had been through a similar thing last year, realizing he was pansexual. But pan, bi, gay – none of those words seemed right for Trent. Despite Ashby assuring him no labels were needed, Trent was having a hard time coping without one.
What made matters worse was that he knew he was hurting Ashby. On the way back to Ohio he’d commented twice how the next time he would be flying was when he went home to London. It was like he was determined to put on a brave face and remind them both that he wouldn’t be here long.
That made Trent feel worse. He wanted Ashby to like him still, but how could he when Trent was acting like a goddamned freak? Marble statues had better personalities than he did currently.
He wasn’t surprised that they went back to their own accommodation on Sunday night when they returned to the resort. He tried writing several different texts to Ashby over the evening, but in the end, he deleted them all. He had no idea what he wanted to say.
I really like you but I have no idea what this means.
I miss you already but I feel like admitting that means I’m losing who I am.
You’re incredible. Please don’t hate me.
I’m sorry I’m being such a dick.
Can I come over?
They all got deleted one by one without being sent. Trent was a fucking coward. Why was it so hard to just admit he was queer? Joey had lectured him and the others on the Kinsey scale so many times Trent knew all about it. How zero was straight, six was gay and three was bi. That left him two whole numbers in between straight and bi he could explore. Why couldn’t he accept he was probably a one and get over it?