When I first told you I found my mother, I said it was like standing on cracking ice. This is like falling straight through into the freezing water. You struggle back to the surface, your lungs burning, everything focused on that patch of light above you. And you finally make it there, but the hole’s frozen over.
SESSION TEN
I’ve never been so scared in my life. I still can’t believe I actually thought I was in the driver’s seat with John. I’m such an idiot. You warned me about getting overconfident. Did I really think just because he asked me about my tools and my work, because he told me about his dog, that I had any control over him? He has all the power, and do you know why he has the power? Because I’m terrified of him and he knows it.
* * *
The day after our last session another box was delivered. I knew I should wait until Sandy and Billy opened it, but I wanted to know if he’d sent me another tool, wondering for a moment why it mattered, then brushing off the thought. This box was smaller and lighter than the one the jack plane had arrived in. I gave it a little shake but didn’t hear anything. After I found some gloves, I carefully sliced open the package and lifted out a smaller box from inside. What if it was another victim’s jewelry? I debated for half a second about calling Billy, then lifted the lid off the box.
A small rustic metal doll, maybe four inches tall and a couple of inches wide at the shoulders, lay nestled in cotton batting. The body seemed to be made from some sort of dark, heavy metal, like iron or steel. Its arms and legs were thick and straight down like a toy soldier’s. The feet and hands were just round metal balls. It was wearing a little denim skirt and a yellow T-shirt. The clothes were delicate, the stitching intricate. The head of the doll was also a round ball of metal. But it had no face. No mouth or eyes.
Long straight brown hair, parted in the middle, was attached to the top of the head. Faint traces of glue were visible through the strands, but you had to look closely. Why had John sent this? I looked back in the main box to see if he’d included a note, but it was empty. I looked back at the doll again. Marveled at the clothes, the hair.
The hair.
I put the doll back in the box and called Billy. He and Sandy were at my house twenty minutes later—I was waiting in the driveway, pacing back and forth with Moose in my arms, when Billy stepped out of the driver’s side of the SUV.
“It’s in the kitchen,” I said.
“You okay?”
“I’m freaking out.”
“We’ll get it out of here as soon as possible.” He gave my shoulder a quick squeeze and scratched the top of Moose’s head.
Sandy’s first words as she exited the SUV were “I thought we agreed you would contact us the next time a package arrived.”
“I changed my mind.” I headed toward the house.
“Sara, this is an investigation.” She was following close on my heels as we reached the front steps.
“I know what it is.” I fought the urge to close the door in her face as I walked into the house.
“You could damage evidence.”
I spun around. “I wore gloves.”
“That still doesn’t—”
Billy said, “Come on, Sandy. Let’s have a look.” She brushed past and headed straight to the kitchen. Billy shook a scolding finger at me behind her back. I gave a couldn’t-help-it shrug. He smiled, then focused in on the box.
Sandy set a soft briefcase on the kitchen counter, took out some gloves, and handed Billy a pair. Their backs were to me as they examined the box. A minute crawled by, then Sandy lifted the smaller jewelry box out and gently took off the lid.
I said, “It’s real hair, isn’t it? Do you think it’s from one of the victims?”
Neither of them turned around. Sandy put up a hand. “Sshhh…”
If I didn’t already dislike her, that would have sealed the deal.
Finally, after a few moments that felt like hours, she murmured something to Billy. He nodded. Sandy slid the jewelry box into a plastic bag while Billy bagged the larger box.
Sandy turned and said, “We’re going to take this back to the station.”
“So the hair’s from one of the girls?”
“We won’t know anything conclusive until the lab runs some tests.” She walked past me with the evidence bag. “We’ll be in touch.” She stopped with her hand on the front door handle and frowned at Billy, who was still in the kitchen. “Let’s go, Billy.”
“Right behind you.”
She gave him another look and went outside.
I turned to Billy. “What’s her problem?”
“She’s just frustrated because none of the leads are going anywhere.”
“You don’t seem frustrated.”
“I have moments, but I stay focused. I’m building the case brick by brick. If one falls out, I move on to the next. But I look for the right brick—if I shove them together without making sure each one fits, the structure’s going to collapse. Even after we catch John, there’s still a trial. That’s why it’s important to be patient.” He gave me a stern look. “We can’t risk losing trace evidence or contaminating it with a fiber from your clothes. One mistake and he gets away forever. Trust me, it’s happened.”
“I get it. I shouldn’t have opened the box.”
He nodded. “I know you were careful and wore gloves, but it’s one of those department regulations we can’t get away from. Remember, I’m on your side. We both have the same goal—to put John behind bars. The right piece of evidence and we’ve got him.”
“What about the boxes? Did anyone see him sending them?”
“A clerk in Prince George thought he remembered the person who shipped the first box, but his description was of a man with a dark beard and sunglasses with a baseball cap pulled low. He’s probably wearing a disguise. We’ll follow up on this package right away, but unless the depot has a camera, or someone saw his vehicle, we’re no further ahead.”
“What about the jack plane—can’t you find out where he bought it?”
“We’ve notified any stores in the Interior that sell them, but there are literally hundreds.”
“That sucks, and I get that you guys are frustrated, but I wish Sandy would lose her attitude.”
“She’s formed friendships with a lot of the victims’ families, so every time he slips through our fingers she feels like she’s letting them down. Sandy releases her tension out loud. But that has nothing to do with you—you’re doing great. That call last night was perfect.”
“I still don’t feel like I’m getting enough out of him.”
“Remember, brick by brick. Anything he reveals is more than we knew before. ‘Do not pursue an enemy feigning flight.’ If you pressure him too much, he could become suspicious.”
“I don’t know, maybe … Sometimes it feels like he’s a little off mentally, you know? Not just violent, but sort of disconnected from reality. He doesn’t seem worried at all.”
“He’s confident and arrogant. But that doesn’t make him any less dangerous. Remember that.” Outside a horn honked. Billy smiled. “I better go before she drives off and leaves me here.”
As I walked him to the door I said, “I was reading an article the other day about how some killers keep trophies and souvenirs. You said the jewelry is his souvenir, so what’s the doll?”
“That’s what we need to find out. But feel free to e-mail me any articles that trigger something for you—any questions too. Even if it’s just random notes. We’re used to viewing everything from our perspective, but you might have a fresh take.”
“I’ll keep that in mind. I’ve been doing a lot of research. I don’t know if it’s helping me much, though. Just scares me, then I can’t sleep for hours.”
“Did you pick up a copy of The Art of War?”
“I keep forgetting. But I’ll try to get one this week.”
“It will help. I’m usually up late going over my notes or reviewing the file again, so feel free to call anytime you
need to get something out of your head.” He held my gaze. “We’re going to catch him, Sara. I’m doing everything I can, okay?”
“Thanks, Billy. I really needed to hear that.”
* * *
John called later that night. Thankfully Ally was already in bed, but I stayed downstairs to make sure she didn’t hear me.
“Did you get my gift?”
“It’s really nice, thanks. Did you make it?” As I thanked him, I realized it was the first time I’d done that.
“Yes.”
“The detail on it was incredible. How did you learn how to do that?”
“My mother taught me how to sew. She taught me how to work with leather too.”
“That’s really cool. She must have been a neat woman. You never told me what her background was.”
“Haida, from the Queen Charlotte Islands.”
“I’m part First Nations?”
His tone was proud now. “The Haida believe in passing their stories down through each generation, and now I can share mine with you. I’ve got some good hunting stories. I could write a book.” He chuckled. “Did you know a bear looks similar to a human when it’s skinned? The hands and feet especially. Except the feet are backwards, and the big toe is on the outside.”
“No, I didn’t know that.” I didn’t want to know that. “Do you hunt bear?” I kept my tone interested while I tried to wrap my head around the fact that my grandmother was First Nations.
He said, “Moose, elk, bear.”
Remembering that Sandy told me to find out anything I could about his guns, I said, “Do you have a certain gun you like to use?”
“I have a couple, but my favorite is my Remington .223. I shot my first one when I was four.” He sounded pleased with himself. “Bagged my first deer when I was only five.”
“With your dad?”
“I’m a better shot than he was.” His voice turned serious. “And I’ll be a better father.” Before I could ask him what he meant he said, “What was your favorite ice cream when you were a kid?”
The rest of the phone call he asked more questions along those lines: What was my favorite soda? What kind of cookies, chocolate with peanut butter or plain? The questions were so rapid-fire I didn’t have a chance to think up lies. I was getting the feeling that he was a serious junk-food hound. But the only specific thing he revealed about himself was that he loved McDonald’s—Big Macs, mainly. I wondered if that little detail would make Sandy happy or if she’d just be frustrated she couldn’t stake out every McDonald’s herself.
We’d only been on the phone for ten minutes, but I was exhausted, drained from his questions and the effort to gauge his reaction to every answer. Forcing myself to sound polite so I didn’t lose any ground I’d just gained, I said, “John, it’s been great talking to you, but I really have to go to bed.”
He sighed. “Get some rest, we’ll talk soon.”
* * *
Billy called a few minutes later to tell me John was traveling south on the Yellowhead Highway. They think he was in McBride, a small town between the Rockies and the Cariboo Mountains. The population is under a thousand, but no one noticed anyone who fit John’s description. The police were starting to wonder if he’d frequented these areas before. He might not be turning up on anyone’s radar as a stranger because they know him. Hoping he’d continue south on the same highway, they were making sure all gas stations, truck stops, and stores had his description. When we finally hung up I went straight to bed, but I didn’t sleep. I just stared at the ceiling, wondering if John was on the highway right now, if he was getting closer with every minute that ticked by.
* * *
The next day another box arrived. This time I called Sandy and Billy right away. I thought they’d just grab it and go, but they opened it with me there so if John called I’d know what was inside.
This doll was blond.
I wanted to cry at the silken curls, at the little polka-dot tank top and white shorts, wondering which woman’s hair it was, wondering if it had been her pride and joy.
They thought he’d sent the package from Prince George and were going to check all the depots in the area, but I already knew he was smart enough to wear a disguise. After Sandy and Billy left, I went upstairs and checked out the Campsite Killer’s Web site again. The pictures of his first victim showed a woman with black hair. Then I pulled up the photos of his next one. Suzanne Atkinson had straight brown hair—parted in the middle. His third, the woman he killed after Julia escaped, Heather Dawson, smiled broadly in her photo, her heart-shaped face framed by lustrous blond curls. She’d been proud of them.
She was last seen wearing a polka-dot blouse.
I called Billy right away. “You knew he took pieces of their clothing and hair.”
He was quiet for a moment, then said, “We knew, but we didn’t know what he did with them.”
“What else are you holding back?”
“We try to fill you in as much as possible without jeopardizing the investigation.”
“What about jeopardizing me? Shouldn’t I—”
“We’re protecting you, Sara. This is a man who can read people really well. The less you know, the better. If you inadvertently reveal something that only the police would know, we could lose him—or worse.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Like it or not, I could see some of the sense in what he was saying.
“I hate being left in the dark. Hate it.”
He laughed. “I don’t blame you one bit. I promise to tell you everything you need to know, when we know it. All right?”
“Can you tell me why he leaves their faces blank?”
“My guess is he’s depersonalizing them. Same reason he puts the victim’s shirt over her head—he can’t look them in the face.”
“That’s what I thought too. Do you think he feels shame?”
“If you ask him, he’d say yes. He’s a psychopath—he knows how to mimic emotions. But I don’t believe he truly feels them for one minute.”
* * *
John called again that night and I managed to thank him for the doll. But this time I said, “Can you tell me about the girl?”
“Why?” So he wasn’t going to deny it was from one of his victims.
“I don’t know, I just wondered about her. What she was like?”
“She had a pretty smile.” Her picture flashed in my mind. I thought of John touching her. I thought of her pretty mouth begging him to stop. I closed my eyes.
“Is that why you killed her?”
He didn’t answer. I held my breath.
After a moment he said, “I killed her because I had to. I told you, Sara. I’m not bad.”
“I know, but that’s why I don’t understand why you had to kill her.”
He sounded frustrated as he said, “I can’t tell you yet.”
“Can you tell me why you made a doll with her clothes? I’m really interested in your…” What should I call it? “In your process.”
“Then she stays with me longer.”
“And that’s important? That she stays with you?”
“It helps.”
“What does it help with?”
“It just helps, okay? We’ll talk more about it another time. Did you know pine beetles make blue wood?”
I didn’t get the feeling he changed the subject to avoid anything. More like another thought occurred to him so he went with it. I hated how much he reminded me of myself.
“I’ve read about it, but I’ve never worked with any of it.”
“It’s not the beetle that kills the trees, you know. It’s the fungus they carry.” He paused, but I didn’t know what to say and he went on. “I’ve been reading about different woods and tools so we can have things to talk about. I want to know everything about you.”
I shuddered. “Me too. So what about you? Do you make things other than the dolls?”
“I like working with different materials.”
&nbs
p; “But you’re obviously talented with metal. Are you a welder?”
“I can do lots of things.” It wasn’t a direct answer, so I was about to repeat the question when he said, “I have to get going, but I’ve got a question for you.”
“Okay. Sure.”
“What do you call a grizzly with no fur?”
“Um … I don’t know.”
“A bare bear!”
* * *
He’d called from Kamloops, one of the major cities in the Interior, and about five hours from his last location. But the fact that he was in a more populated area wasn’t working to our advantage—there was a three-day rodeo and he called from somewhere in the middle of it. Billy sounded confident when he told me they were searching the crowd, but I could read anger in his clipped tone, his short sentences.
John called three times the next morning. The first thing he asked was where the dolls were and what I was doing with them. His voice was tight, so I quickly said, “I made a special shelf in my shop for them—that’s where I spend most of my time.”
“Okay, that’s good.” But then he said, “Are you sure they’re safe there? What about sawdust? Or chemicals? Do you work with chemicals?”
I grasped at the first thing that came to mind. “It’s a locked display case, so they’re protected by glass.” John didn’t say anything, but I heard traffic. I said, “Would you like them back? I understand if you—”
“No. I have to go.”
He called back twenty minutes later, asking again if I liked the dolls. Ten minutes after that he called again. His voice sounded more anxious with each call. Finally he said he had to go, he wasn’t feeling well.
I wasn’t feeling so great myself. I’d barely slept since he started sending me things. When I did, my dreams were haunted by screaming women being chased by metal figurines. I’d hoped to sleep in that morning because it was Saturday and I didn’t have to drive Ally to school, but no chance of that after John’s calls. Billy phoned right away to tell me the last couple of calls came from the outskirts of Kamloops and every available officer in the area was patrolling the roads. Ally and I fought all morning—I swear she senses when I’m at my least patient and picks that moment to drag her heels on everything. The more I tried to rush her, the more upset she got. She even grabbed my cell out of my hand and threw it across the living room. Thank God it just hit the couch. But I did mess up—I nearly forgot she had to go to a birthday party that afternoon, so we had to stop on the way there to grab a present.
Never Knowing Page 15