by David Marcum
MUSIC: * SNEAK IN ON CUE. UP STRONG ON WATSON’S LAST LINE, THEN DOWN AND UNDER
HOLMES: (LAUGHING) Watson, d’you know my most treasured memory of our recent encounter with the white elephant of Parbutipur?
WATSON: I imagine it was when the Maharajah gave you that check for ten-thousand pounds.
HOLMES: On the contrary, Watson. It was the night you came into the palace in a great state of excitement after you’d shot at a tiger cub. You told us how a shotgun had come on to your veranda and that you had fired a double-barrelled tiger cub at it.
WATSON: (LAUGHING) Yes, I’m inclined to get a little incoherent when I get excited! Holmes--you remember in The Sign of Four how I got so flustered with Mr. Sholto that I cautioned him against the great danger of taking more than two drops of castor oil and then recommended strychnine in large doses as a sedative!
HOLMES: Strychnine can be a very efficient sedative. Well, let’s get the bill. I’d like to take a walk through the native markets before we retire. See if you can attract the attention of our waiter.
WATSON: (CALLING) Waiter--Hey, Waiter!
WAITER: (THIS IS HINDUSTANI, BUT IS SPELLED PHONETICALLY) (FADING IN) Bought atcha, hasoor.
WATSON: We want the bill--(LABORIOUSLY) The--bill. BILL!
WAITER: (PUZZLED) Kia munta, hasoor?
WATSON: (GETTING ANGRY) The bill. Goodness gracious, they can’t even speak English.
HOLMES: (DRYLY) Why should they? (TO WAITER) Sahib-ke hissab dough.
WAITER: (DELIGHTEDLY) Hissab! (FADING) Bought atcha, hasoor.
HOLMES: Watson, you’re a perfect example of the insular Englishman. I’m surprised at you. I should have thought you’ve lived in India long enough to have a smattering of the language.
WATSON: (GRUMPILY) I do know the language--but up in the Northwest we spoke a different lingo. And where did you learn to speak Hindustani I’d like to know?
HOLMES: Three months in Parbutipur has given me a working knowledge, at least.
WATSON: Well, I must say...
HOLMES: (INTERRUPTING) Look, Watson. Here comes the manager in a great state of excitement and he’s making a bee-line for our table.
MANAGER: (FADING IN, EXCITEDLY. HE SPEAKS WITH CULTURED ACCENT) Excuse me, Mr. Holmes, but I understand your friend is a doctor?
WATSON: Yes, I am a doctor. What’s the matter?
MANAGER: Could you please come to Room 106 at once? One of our servants has been bitten by a rat--a giant rat--and he’s lying up there having convulsions.
HOLMES: Convulsions from a rat bite? Of course my friend will come up. Come on, Watson! Never mind your brandy!
MUSIC: BRIDGE
SOUND EFFECT: GROANING AND HEAVY BREATHING, OFF
MANAGER: Is he going to live, Doctor?
WATSON: Yes, he’s going to live, but the poor fellow’ll be very sick for a few days. Better take him to his quarters. I’ll come and see him later.
MANAGER: Very well, Doctor. (FADING) Addmee ko layjow...
SOUND EFFECT: SCUFFLE OF FEET... GROANS OF BODY BEING LIFTED IN BACKGROUND
HOLMES: (CALLING) Before you go, where is this... er, giant rat now? And where is its owner?
MANAGER: (FADING BACK) The rat is in the bathroom, there. We tried to get it back in its cage, but we were afraid to handle it. Mr. Jackson is its owner, but he hasn’t come back yet. I’m afraid he... Oh, here he is now.
JACKSON: (FADING IN EXCITEDLY. HE IS AMERICAN, ABOUT FORTY-FIVE) What the devil’s going on in my room? Who are all these people and why’s that man being carried out?
MANAGER: I am afraid, Mr. Jackson, that your rat escaped and bit him.
JACKSON: (FURIOUS) Escaped? What d’you mean it escaped? It must be found. Why the blazes don’t you train your servants to mind their own business?
HOLMES: May I suggest you calm yourself, Mr. Jackson. Your rat--so I have just been told--is trapped in the bathroom there.
WATSON: Mr. Manager, I suggest you don’t stand there in the doorway. See that poor fellow gets to his bed immediately. He’s very sick.
MANAGER: (OFF) Very well, sir. Addmee ko layjow.
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR CLOSES OFF
JACKSON: And who are you, may I ask?
HOLMES: My name is Holmes. Sherlock Holmes, and this is my friend Doctor Watson.
JACKSON: Sherlock Holmes! I’ve heard of you. Aren’t you the English detective?
HOLMES: I am flattered that my fame has spread so far afield. But don’t look worried, Mr. Jackson, I’m not in your room in any professional capacity. My friend Doctor Watson was called in to attend the bitten man. I am here because I was very curious to see how a rat bite could produce convulsions.
JACKSON: (RELAXING) Of course. I’m sorry, gentlemen, that I was so abrupt with you. The servant is going to live, isn’t he, Doctor?
WATSON: Yes, But it was touch and go there for a while.
JACKSON: Thank heavens he’s all right. And now if you’ll excuse me for a moment, I’ll place my rat back in his cage. He’s a little hard to handle so I suggest you don’t come with me into the bathroom.
WATSON: Good Lord no. Wouldn’t dream of it.
JACKSON: But please don’t go. (FADING) I’d like to have a chat with you.
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE QUICKLY (OFF)
HOLMES: (LOW) Watson, that bitten man had all the symptoms of poisoning, didn’t he?
WATSON: (LOW) Yes, he did. I can’t understand it.
HOLMES: No. Rat bites might cause an infection, but never the symptoms that poor fellow exhibited. Hmm. Very curious. Why does our friend in there keep a rat in his hotel room?
WATSON: Heaven alone knows. Disgusting things, rats. Horrible to look at and they carry germs. I can remember once when I was...
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPEN (OFF)
JACKSON: (FADING IN) Well, gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to the Giant Rat of Sumatra. Isn’t he a splendid specimen?
WATSON: (NERVOUSLY) Are you sure that cage is properly fastened?
JACKSON: Don’t worry, Doctor. He can’t get out. What’d you think of him, Mr. Holmes?
HOLMES: I can’t say I’m exactly a rat fancier, Mr. Jackson. But he certainly is a giant. The thing that puzzles me is that his bite has produced the symptoms of acute poisoning in that unfortunate man that was just carried out. How do you account for that?
JACKSON: If you gentlemen have a few moments, I’d like to tell you the story of that rat. I think it will help you to understand what’s just happened.
HOLMES: I should be very interested to hear the story, Mr. Jackson.
WATSON: Yes... yes indeed.
JACKSON: Do either of you gentlemen care for a “chota peg”?
WATSON: Thank you. I think a scotch-and-soda would be very acceptable.
JACKSON: (OFF A LITTLE) How about you, Mr. Holmes?
HOLMES: Thank you, no. Alcohol is one of the few vices I don’t indulge in.
SOUND EFFECT: CLICKING OF GLASS AND BOTTLE
JACKSON: Say when, Doctor.
SOUND EFFECT: FIZZING OF SIPHON
WATSON: Whoa! That’s splendid.
JACKSON: Ice?
WATSON: (OUTRAGED) Ice? Good heavens, no! Filthy habit.
JACKSON: Here you are.
WATSON: Thank you.
JACKSON: Well, to begin. I am a zoologist. For years now I’ve been roaming the world in search of rare and valuable animals to add to my collection (WITH A LAUGH). I have a miniature zoo at my farm in Connecticut in the States and, without wishing to brag, I may say my collection is quite unique. A year or so ago, I heard of an obscure tribe of Pygmies in the jungles of Sumatra who worshipped rats--rats that were reputed to be gigantic. Naturally I was determined to try and capture one for my c
ollection and so, last September, I sailed to Sumatra. To cut a very long story short, I lived with the tribe for some months and learned many strange things--one of them being the reason for the rat’s giant size. It’s rather a horrible one, Mr. Holmes. They feed the animals human blood.
WATSON: Good heavens! What a shocking thing.
HOLMES: Human sacrifices for a rodent, eh? Go on, Mr. Jackson.
JACKSON: I managed to gain the confidence of one of the tribesman and, with the aid of a considerable sum of money, bribed him to steal the rat you see there. I had no compunction in doing this, for their worship of the animals is barbaric and disgusting.
WATSON: Downright disgusting.
HOLMES: Quiet, Watson.
JACKSON: My interest was purely that of the collector. And so I slipped away from the village with my prize in a cage and caught the next boat for Calcutta. I wanted to talk to the curator of the Calcutta Zoo about buying a specimen of their Himalayan tree bear whilst I was there. But my erstwhile friends in Sumatra have not been idle. I’ve been followed. Two attempts have been made to take the rat back. One attempt has been made on my life already. I think what happened just now was a third attempt to steal the rat.
HOLMES: Very possibly, Mr. Jackson, but I still don’t understand the symptoms of poisoning.
JACKSON: I think that what undoubtedly happened was that the man just carried out was attempting to drug or poison the rat so that he could handle it. Even a dead Sumatra rat is an object of veneration amongst the tribe. Probably he opened the cage and tried to feed the poison to the rat. Possibly the rat got some on his fangs and then bit him.
HOLMES: (LAUGHING) You should have been a detective, Mr. Jackson. That’s an ingenious deduction... though I can’t say I find it an entirely convincing one.
JACKSON: (SUDDENLY) Mr. Holmes, you’re a famous detective. Would you undertake to guard me and the rat until I’m safely on the boat for America? I’d pay you a handsome fee.
WATSON: Why not, Holmes? It’s a most interesting case.
HOLMES: (LAZILY) I’m afraid not, Mr. Jackson. I’m on a holiday now and I want to relax.
WATSON: Well, ’pon my soul. I’ve never heard you turn down a case like this before.
HOLMES: However, we shall be here for a couple of days yet. And Doctor Watson and myself are neighbors of yours. We are in Suite 109... just down the corridor from you, so please feel free to call on us if you have any more trouble. And now, Watson, let’s take that stroll. I want to observe the night life of Calcutta.
MUSIC: BRIDGE
SOUND EFFECT: INDIAN FLUTE PLAYING SNAKE-CHARMING THEME. BAZAAR AD-LIBS IN BACKGROUND
HOLMES: (KEENLY) Watson, observe the trance-like condition of that snake. See... the glazed eyes... the immobile body... Fascinating. Quite fascinating. The powers of music are often more potent in the animal kingdom than in the human.
WATSON: (IMPATIENTLY) Yes... yes... it’s very interesting. You know, Holmes, I still don’t understand why you turned down that Jackson case. A scared rat... a man poisoned... it’s just the kind of case that’s always fascinated you.
SOUND EFFECT: INDIAN FLUTE CEASES
HOLMES: Give that fellow a rupee. He’s given us a fine performance.
WATSON: (MUTTERING) A rupee. That’s rather a lot, isn’t it? Here you are.
SOUND EFFECT: COIN BEING TOSSED ON STONE
COOLIE: (OFF) Salaam, Sahib. Burra Salaam.
HOLMES: Let’s explore the Bazaar a little further.
SOUND EFFECT: FOOTSTEPS ON STONE. INDIAN FLUTE STARTS IN BACKGROUND AGAIN AND FADES AWAY
HOLMES: So you’re worried, my dear fellow because I didn’t accept Mr. Jackson’s commission?
WATSON: I’m not worried, Holmes. I’m just surprised.
HOLMES: Well, don’t be, old fellow. I’m very much interested in the case. But sometimes one has a greater... ah, latitude of behaviour in a case when one is observing it from the outside. If Mr. Jackson thinks he needs protection, he should apply to the official police.
WATSON: But if you are interested in the case, why are we wandering through this bazaar? Why aren’t we back at the hotel keeping an eye on Jackson and his wretched rat?
HOLMES: We are going back to the hotel, Watson. But first of all I have a visit to make. This apparently aimless troll is taking us to the Calcutta Zoo. I want to have a little chat with the curator there. You know Watson, I have a feeling that before this night is out, the giant rat of Sumatra will bite again!
MUSIC: BRIDGE
SOUND EFFECT: VIOLIN IN BACKGROUND IMPROVISING THE THEME WE HEARD FROM THE SNAKE CHARMER IN PRECEEDING SCENE
WATSON: It’s nearly one o’clock in the morning. D’you think you ought to keep scraping away at that violin? There are people trying to sleep, y’know.
HOLMES: Nonsense.
SOUND EFFECT: VIOLIN BREAKS OFF MELODY
HOLMES: Confound it! What can’t I capture that snake-charming melody?
SOUND EFFECT: VIOLIN PLAYS AGAIN
WATSON: Holmes, did you learn anything from the curator tonight? I listened to your discussion, but I’ll be hanged if I could understand a word either of you were talking about.
HOLMES: You’re a medical man. You should at least have found it as understandable as I did.
WATSON: I’m a simple General Practitioner. When you stray off into the subtleties of Oriental poisons and the anatomy of rodents, I’m out of my field and I don’t mind confessing it.
SOUND EFFECT: VIOLIN COMPLETES THEME, THEN FINISHES WITH A LITTLE FLOURISH
HOLMES: (EXCITEDLY) That’s it! At last I’ve got it.
SOUND EFFECT: VIOLIN BEING PLACED ON TABLE
HOLMES: Now I can go to bed.
WATSON: Well, thank heavens for that. (YAWNING) I must say I’m ready to turn in myself. You still haven’t answered my question, Holmes.
HOLMES: Hmm... question? What question?
WATSON: I asked whether you learnt anything from your discussion over at the zoo tonight?
HOLMES: Oh yes. I learnt a great deal. A very great deal. In fact I may say that--
SOUND EFFECT: PIERCING MALE SCREAM (OFF)
WATSON: Good Heavens! D’you hear that? That came from Jackson’s room!
HOLMES: Quick, Watson!
SOUND EFFECT: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN. FOOTSTEPS ON SLIGHT ECHO
HOLMES: (BREATHLESSLY) Have you got your revolver with you?
WATSON: (PANTING) No... shall I go back for it?
HOLMES: Never mind, I have mine. Here we are--
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR WRENCHED OPEN, ANOTHER PIERCING SCREAM. FOOTSTEPS CEASE. SCRABBLING AND YELPING OF RAT
JACKSON: (HYSTERICALLY) Back! Get back there!
HOLMES: Watson! See what you can do for that poor fellow there. I’ll take care of the rat.
JACKSON: (VIOLENTLY) No, Mr. Holmes! Put that revolver away! I’ll get the rat back in the cage, but don’t shoot it! It’s too valuable.
HOLMES: (GRIMLY) You’d better hurry then. Here... throw this bedspread over it!
SOUND EFFECT: AGONISED DEATH RATTLE OF DYING MAN
WATSON: Holmes... the man’s done for.
SOUND EFFECT: YELPING OF RAT SUDDENLY STIFLED. THE CLANG OF A CAGE DOOR CLOSING
JACKSON: There! The rat’s back in the cage!
HOLMES: Just in time, Mr. Jackson. I was about to bring your pet’s career to an abrupt end.
SOUND EFFECT: LAST SPAMS OF DYING MAN
WATSON: The man’s dead, Holmes. Poor devil... look at that expression on his face... the contorted features... the staring eyeballs... the arched back.
HOLMES: Exactly. All the symptoms of strychnine poisoning! Mr. Jackson, I’m afraid your chances of taking the rat back to America are very slight. I think you’ll find t
he police will insist on killing him and performing an autopsy
MUSIC: CURTAIN
CAMPBELL: Well... so Holmes is now turning the case over to the Indian police. We’ll find his motive for doing so in just a few seconds when our story continues. Meanwhile, I’d like to remind you that the best time to begin a good dinner is before the beginning. While you’re waiting for dinner to be ready, try a glass of Petri California Sherry. Petri Sherry is one of the most famous of all sherry wines... and rightly so. Because Petri Sherry has a perfect color, a wonderful aroma--“bouquet” the experts call it--and as for its flavour--well, Petri Sherry has a flavour that comes right from the heart of luscious California grapes. And say--if like most men--you like your sherry dry... well, you certainly ought to try a Petri pale dry sherry. That is something! And remember--you can serve Petri sherry proudly... because the name “Petri” is the proudest name in the history of American wines.
MUSIC: “SCOTCH POEM”
CAMPBELL: And now back to tonight’s new adventure of Sherlock Holmes. Doctor Watson and his famous friend are in Calcutta awaiting a boat to take them back to England. Whilst staying at the Great Eastern Hotel, they have become involved in the strange case of the Giant Rat of Sumatra--a rat whose bite is sudden death. As we rejoin our story, Holmes and Watson are seated in the bedroom of Mr. Jackson, the owner of the rat (FADE) awaiting the arrival of the police...
WATSON: Two-thirty in the morning and still the police haven’t arrived.
HOLMES: Patience, Watson. They’ll be here.