When he began, he looked me directly in the eye. “Owen idolized his big brother. They were just two years apart and had always been close. Owen would have followed Paul to the ends of the earth. When Paul started extorting money out of his classmates, Owen faltered in that adoration for the first time in his life. But he eventually gave in and became one of Paul’s henchmen, at least in part. However, it churned him up inside.
“He confessed all of this to us when the suspensions came down. Owen was given leniency because he walked with the group but never actually demanded money nor accepted it. That seemed to be the middle ground he had found.
“When the suspensions were over, Paul did not seem repentant. We were worried that the behavior would return in one form or another. We started pressing Owen for information about Paul’s activities. He didn’t want to betray his brother, but he didn’t condone what Paul had done either. Initially he talked to us, but soon he clammed up, refusing to talk to us about any of it.”
He paused in his retelling while dark shadows crossed his brow. “Then one day, one horrible day, it all came to a head. We confronted Paul about his activities and questioned his intentions. I said, ‘Even your younger brother understands that what you did was wrong, but for some reason you don’t get it!’ He was upset, of course. We argued for some time, back and forth, neither of us budging. His mother brought up Owen again, asking Paul what kind of example he was setting for him.”
Len got a faraway look in his eyes. When he continued, his voice was husky. “Owen had been listening from the top of the stairs to the whole conversation. When he had finally had enough, he burst into the room. His words will forever burn in my mind. He said, ‘How dare you bring me into this. I do not take sides. I’m just trying to live my life and be a good person. And I will not stay here one minute longer while the people I love tear each other apart.’ Then, with that, he grabbed the car keys and stormed out of the house. We heard the car screech out of the driveway, but then we just continued our fight, unaffected by his impassioned speech. It was only a few minutes later when we heard the sirens.”
Noah felt hot against my chest as my heart burned with anguish for what this family had been through. However, Len was not done.
“The rest of the story is as we told you except for the words Paul hurled at us. He blamed us for Owen’s death. Graduation was only a few weeks later. When it was over, he told us he didn’t want to know us, he didn’t even want to bear our name and ... and that he would never forgive us.”
I didn’t know Avalon had returned until I heard her voice behind me. It was wispy and ethereal, as if speaking through a time machine from all those years ago. “With that he left.” Then she added in a barely audible whisper, “And that’s the last time we saw him.”
It was a moment before anyone could speak. I was surprised to hear Avalon’s voice break the silence in a calm, serene tone. “He broke our hearts, to be sure. I always hoped that with maturity he would finally learn to back down, to change the direction of his life. Because I knew that if he could learn how to do that, he would come back to me,” and then she added, in the tone of voice I expected, “He never did.”
I could feel her anguish, and my thoughts ran like wildfire, consuming all that she had told me. I suppose Paul’s parents really did die, for him, in a car accident.
Paul’s mother finished wiping her eyes with a Kleenex and pulled her head up to look at me. The look was sad and plaintive. There was something I could give this woman, a little piece of hope. “I want you to know something about Paul. He finally learned to back down. It was probably the first time since he left here, but he backed out of the robbery. He even sabotaged the credit card info that the other thieves stole so they couldn’t use it. The only reason he was still involved was because they threatened to harm Noah and me. He really had learned to back down!” As I spoke, I realized that I truly believed what I was saying, that Paul was changing his ways, for real. With that understanding came a desire for Avalon to understand as well. I desperately wanted this woman to have the hope that her son was on his way back to her. It was true; I was sure of it. I just didn’t know if I was successful in convincing his mother of that. I waited expectantly for her speak. She didn’t respond right away, so I added another memory I had stored away, without realizing its significance. “One time, when Paul was putting Noah down, I heard him through the baby monitor. He said, ‘I wish your other grandma were here.’ He did want you back in his life.”
“Brea, thank you. I hope that was so. I guess after so many years it’s hard to know. How do you do that to a mother? How can you leave her hanging for so long? It makes me wonder if he had any love left in his heart for me, for us. I understand things can be rough at times with kids, but it would mean the world to me if I knew he still loved me somewhere under it all. That is my biggest regret, not knowing that, and now he’s dead and I can’t ask him, and he can’t tell me.”
Chills ran through my body. I knew exactly what she was feeling. And at that moment my sweet little boy woke up in my arms.
PLANTED SEEDS
Noah roused then gazed at the somber gathering around him. Apparently, he felt it his responsibility to change the mood. He looked around and smiled at everyone, then climbed down from my lap ready to be the center of attention again.
Ava stood up, grateful for a change. “Why don’t I get us that food we had talked about? Is anyone hungry?”
I had to admit that I was, and I’m sure Noah was ready for a snack. “Would you like any help?”
“No, Brea. You just sit and visit. But I’ll take Noah with me, if he’s willing,” and she quickly added, “If that’s okay with you?”
“Of course,” I replied, realizing that despite the tension of what we had discussed, I was at ease with this woman I had just met. Ava reached down with her arms, beckoning Noah to her. He reached up his hands to meet hers, and she beamed in response. She scooped him up and held him close before turning towards the kitchen.
Len was a gentle creature to be sure, but it was Ava who radiated love and acceptance. It was not a surprise to me that Noah willingly left my side to go with his new grandma into the kitchen. Her warmth was palpable.
I didn’t begin another conversation with my father-in-law, leaving the quiet of the moment alone. I perked up my ears to the sounds coming from the kitchen, plates and cups, the refrigerator door, running water, and the running chatter of grandma to grandson. “Noah, you are such a big boy. Would you like a drink of water? Grandma and Grandpa went out and bought brand new sippy cups just for you. Which one would you like?”
The noises became indistinct, but I gathered they summed up to Noah’s now drinking out of his new sippy cup. It made me smile, the gentle hand of Noah’s new grandma.
The words came clear again. “Noah, would you like a snack? Do you like apples? Noah, you are the apple of my eye!”
I bolted upright. Had I heard right? Again, the sound came from the kitchen, “Noah, you little apple of my eye, I love you.”
Len startled at my sudden movement as I leapt up and nearly ran into the kitchen. My sudden entrance startled my mother-in-law. She saw the shocked look on my face and searched to understand it. Following my gaze, her eyes rested on the apple piece in Noah’s fingers.
“Oh, Brea, I hope it’s okay I gave him an apple. It’s a very soft one. I didn’t think he’d have any trouble chewing it,” she said apologetically.
“No, that’s okay. What did you just call him?”
She seemed a little intimidated by my intensity. “The apple of my eye?” It was a question, as if searching for something because of the sound of my voice, but not sure exactly what she was searching for or even why.
“Why did you call him that?” I tried not to sound ac
cusatory, but I wasn’t succeeding very well.
Again taken aback, she responded, “It’s what I used to call Paul and Owen all the time. They were the apples of my eye.” Then she grew silent, not knowing if she needed to apologize for something.
I could say nothing in response, but tears started to bud at the corners of my eyes. Soon they were coursing down my cheeks, and I was powerless to stop them. Ava looked distressed, fearing she had caused me anguish but not sure how.
It was some time before I could speak, but when Ava started to apologize, for what she knew not, I waved the apology away. “No, no, you don’t understand. It’s actually okay. Everything is okay. Paul loved you more than you know, and that means he loved me and Noah, too.” I could not explain further as all my emotions broke out in joyful sobs. Paul’s mother did not fully understand, but she caught the significance of the moment and wrapped her arms around me, joining her tears with mine.
When my tears subsided enough that I could speak, I took my turn to explain to Paul’s mother the things she had not known. “Mother Caste,” somehow the name felt more sincere, “when I first met Paul he gave me an apple. Then when he first asked me out, he said I was the apple of his eye. It is something he said to me in one form or another ever after that. Once Noah was born, he referred to him the same way.” She still looked slightly puzzled.
“Don’t you see? He never forgot you! He remembered everything you taught him. He loved you; he never stopped loving you. He just didn’t know how to back down and come back. I already told you how he finally learned to back down when he decided not to go through with the credit card fraud. I’m certain if he had lived, he would have come back to you.
“But even though he didn’t have the time to bring you personally back into his life, you were always there in spirit. He always remembered and honored you by simply modeling your love, by telling me and by telling Noah that we were each the apple of his eye.”
As I saw truth dawn on Ava’s face and encompass her whole frame, it more fully embraced me as well. I suppose in that moment I got my Paul back. He had still been a thief and a manipulator for a time. He was still guilty of far too many indiscretions, but I knew, with a clarity that had been missing since the very first phone call in the middle of the night, that he had loved me, that my memories owned the one true and honest part of him. Here was something that I could tell Noah as he grew, that his father loved him with all his heart and soul. While I would not lie to him about the other choices his father had made in life, we could choose to focus on this better part. Together we could and would always be the apple of his eye.
. . .
It was quiet while we both let all that had passed between us sink in. It was with a warmth and peace that we smiled at each other and then fell again into a natural embrace. I felt, wrapped in her arms as she was in mine, a kinship that was more than blood. We had both been through the same emotional turmoil and had both come out the other side, if not triumphant at least secure. We both loved Paul deeply, faults and all, and we especially knew, without a doubt anymore, that he loved us deeply too.
As we let our arms loosen and eventually fall to our sides, we stepped back and took a new stock of each other. We had just become more than blood relations; we had become friends.
I looked at this woman who I now knew would be a part of my life to her dying day. I thought of her not as a mother-in-law, but as an equal. I wanted to learn everything I could about her. What were her likes and dislikes? Did she have a favorite color or favorite food? What was her childhood like, and who were her parents? I wanted to get to know Avalon Caste.
There was so much to ask. I wanted to know these things about her, but I also wanted to know all about Paul. From her would flow stories, one after another, I was certain. She contained within herself the tidbits missing from my knowledge of Paul, answers to all those questions I hadn’t had the time to ask. From those stories, good and bad, my love for my husband would grow. I suppose The Princess Bride had been right all along, “Death cannot stop true love.”
Where should I start asking questions? I asked the one thing I had already wondered. “Avalon is such an interesting name. I like it. Where is it from?”
She looked me straight in the eye and her whole face smiled at me with love. “It’s Welsh, dear. It means ‘apple tree.’ ”
EPILOGUE
We celebrated Noah’s first birthday on a bright, sunny day with our typical gathering plus two. Martha, Amy, and the Professor all came loaded down with food like normal. Mom and Dad had flown in and Paul’s parents came in as well.
It was the first time that my friends and parents met Len and Ava, or Grandma and Grandpa Caste. I thought it might be a little awkward at first, but I shouldn’t have worried. Despite what we had all learned about Paul, everyone in my gathering loved him. It was easy for them to extend that love to his parents. In turn, his parents were grateful to all who were present for loving and caring for their son during a time when they weren’t allowed to do so.
Gifts in abundance were produced to match the amount of food we couldn’t possibly all eat. I sat back and watched the happy gathering, content with my life.
Part way through the party, by prior arrangement, Noah and I slipped out the back door. Noah had begun to toddle in the last month, and we slowly made our way to the edge of the backyard. A hole had been prepared ahead of time by the gathering that was now inside, even primed with fertilizer. Beside it stood an apple tree and a pile of removed dirt.
I lowered the tree into the waiting ground, and then Noah and I packed earth around it, me with big shovelfuls and Noah by the fistful, adding water periodically as we went. He viewed it as a charming new game. Before long, I joined him, getting down on my knees to move the dirt all around the roots of our new apple tree. There was more dirt than we needed, as the tree’s root ball had taken up a lot of space. We mounded the remaining soil around the tree until even Noah said, “Done.”
We stood back to examine our handiwork and knew that it was good. After cleaning off in the hose, we stepped back into the house.
A wave of quiet reverence greeted us, broken only by the sound of an occasional sniffle. My mother and Paul’s mother were locked in an embrace; I couldn’t be sure who was comforting whom. Even Len and Dad sat close together in some conspiratorial fashion. Clearly all eyes had been watching our labors, and there was not a dry eye among them.
I surprised myself by not joining them. I had left tears behind, replacing them with a sense of peace and wonder. I had been married to a wonderful man. I didn’t know what the future held for me, but I was certain that wherever it led, Paul would be watching over me from above. We would come through just fine.
We had one more birthday stop to make, and this time everyone was invited. We all piled into a couple of cars and drove to the chapel where Paul’s funeral had been held. Only we passed the church parking lot, instead turning into the drive for the apple orchard next door.
After we had all spilled out, the orchard owner, Mr. Charles, greeted us. I had visited with him over the phone a few weeks back. He didn’t normally sell apples on a pick-your-own basis, but when I told him my story, he gladly consented.
“This way folks,” Mr. Charles motioned, as we all obediently followed. He led us past different varieties of apples until we got to the back of his orchard. He finally stopped under a charming, little apple tree. Its limbs twisted and turned before finally pointing heavenward. It was laden with rosy colored fruit. “This tree is yours. I’ve placed a couple ladders for ya’, and there’s buckets here at the base of the tree.” Everything was in order as he indicated. “Picking apples is easy, just give ‘em a firm, hard pull and they’ll come off for ya’,” he instructed. “Use the ladders only if you want, ‘cause there’s plenty
you can reach from the ground. I’ll leave you be, now. You can come find me when you’re done.” Then silently he disappeared into his trees.
Everyone wanted to help Noah pick an apple, and so with a smile, I turned to pick apples on my own. I spied a perfectly shaped apple just above my head. It was without blemish. Eagerly, I reached for it. Just before my fingers could touch the apple, it dropped from the tree into my waiting palm. I stared at the beautiful apple that had been placed in my hand. Slowly I lifted my eyes to the sky and whispered, “I love you, too.”
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The Apple of My Eye Page 23