Sheer proximity and the need to rely on and work with one another made it impossible not to develop a rapport with Law. For all intents and purposes, we were on the front lines together. Caring for twins was not for the faint of heart. Sleep, showers longer than three minutes at a time, and dressing like a real human all became concepts as opposed to reality. His uniform was track pants or sweatpants and the papoose with one of the babies in it. Mine was yoga pants, a T-shirt, and a pair of fluffy socks, and my hairstyle of choice was a messy bun.
I hadn’t worn makeup in weeks even though I’d never needed it more. For the first few weeks, the circles under my eyes were practically crying out for concealer, but I hadn’t had the time or the energy to bother. When you’re taking care of two babies around the clock, there’s no time for nonessentials. I considered the fact that I brushed my teeth every morning and showered before I fell into bed each night a victory. I gave major props to parents who managed to care for twins without help.
Although Law and I were the only ones taking care of the babies, Mary, the woman who ran the house, was an absolute godsend. She did the grocery shopping, had the maids take care of the laundry, whipped up dinner every night, and kept everything related to the house running smoothly. Without her, I’d probably have been rocking in the fetal position in a corner.
It was all worth it, though. The babies were on a schedule, Hope was good with her formula, and I could see that they were content. The timing was good since Law was headed back to work for the first time since he got them. He’d done some conference calls and online consulting in his home office, but it was time for him to leave the house and get back into the swing of things. I couldn’t believe it, but I would miss having him around.
I held back a chuckle as it dawned on me just how strange it was to see him in a shirt. I couldn’t believe I’d actually gotten used to him not wearing one. Of course I was always well aware of his naked chest, but I’d done a good job of hiding it.
His obvious reticence to leave the twins was too damn sweet. Crouching down in front of the swing, he got Hope situated and dropped a few kisses on her cheeks before he moved to the swing next to it and kissed Holden. When he finished, he stood and faced me. “You’re sure you’ll be okay alone?” he asked for the five trillionth time.
I gave him a pointed look. “You weren’t worried about leaving them with me when you hired me.”
“I’m not worried about leaving them with you now, either,” he assured me. Running his hands through his hair, he turned and looked back at the babies. “I’m anxious about leaving them in general.”
“It will be okay. You can call, text, or Facetime whenever you need to, and the workday will be over before you know it.”
“I’m not sure I’ll make it the whole day,” he muttered. “I had no idea I’d be this stressed out about it, but fuck, I’m a mess. I think I’m more anxious about this than I was about putting them in the car.”
That was saying something since it had taken nearly a week of working on him to get him to agree to drive them around. For the first few days, he was only willing to drive them around his gated neighborhood. After a while, he could go out onto the surface streets, and two weeks ago, he finally took the plunge and got on the freeway. He’d always be cautious with them in the car, but being able to get from A to B without having a panic attack was important. I was proud of him for sticking with it and conquering the fear.
“Whether you leave early or not, everything will be fine. I’m here and so is Mary. Your mom is back from Kathleen’s, and she’s already texted to remind me she can be here in ten minutes if I need help.”
“I’m leaving before I call the whole thing off and sell my share of the team just so I can stay home with them.”
I bit back a laugh. “Have a good day, Law.”
He took a few reluctant steps toward the door. “Thanks, Addison. Call me if anything comes up, okay?”
“I got it, boss.”
He snickered and said goodbye before he turned and walked from the room. I startled when he said my name about thirty seconds later. Turning, I found him standing in the doorway staring at me.
“What’s up?” I asked, wondering if he’d given up before he ever got to the driveway.
“I just wanted to say thank you. I literally have no clue what I’d do without you. And I’m sorry, Addison. I was an asshole to you, especially that night. I regret it more than you know. You had every reason to hate—”
“Stop it. Don’t go there,” I said, my tone icy. “Leave the past where it belongs.”
Things were good. I didn’t want to go down memory lane.
He studied me for a moment before he nodded.
“I apologize. I wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable.”
“You didn’t,” I lied.
He left after that, but his apology echoed in my ears, mixing in with another from years before. I hated that the memory caused a wave of humiliation to wash over me. Forcing myself not to do a deep dive into how bad that night had been, I got up and took Hope out of the swing so I’d have something else to focus on.
If I lived to be a hundred, I never wanted to discuss the events of that night with Law.
Chapter Seven
It was just before dinner, and I was on the floor watching Holden and Hope lying on their little gyms. Fish dangled above Hope and colorful birds above Holden. It was adorable how the babies would look over at each other to talk gibberish and giggle as they played. After I finished taking a slew of photos with the ridiculously expensive digital camera Law had ordered, I set it down and smiled. Feeling eyes on me, I looked up and saw Law standing in the living room entry. When he’d gone to work this morning, he’d been in jeans and a white button-down shirt, but at some point, he’d changed into a pair of basketball shorts and a T-shirt with the team logo on it.
I smiled as he stepped into the room and made his way over. “You lasted the entire day. I’m so proud of you,” I teased.
“Barely, but I did it,” he agreed. Dropping to his knees on the carpet, he snuggled Hope’s chubby cheeks and made her laugh. “I missed you so much today, cupcake.” After about thirty seconds, he leaned over and did the same to Holden. “Hey, ham. Did you miss me as much as I missed you?”
It melted my heart to watch how both of the babies kicked their legs and giggled when he greeted them. I wondered if he fully understood that he’d officially become their daddy. I didn’t ask aloud because I sensed it could be a touchy subject for him. I knew it ate at him to experience the things that Kellan and Lana never got the chance to. I was giving him a wide berth to come to terms with it.
After he greeted the babies, he adjusted his position to sit next to me.
I hooked my thumb toward him. “Do you often change clothes at work?”
“It depends on the day. Today, I was keyed up and had to force myself not to leave at least a dozen times. I know it’ll get better, but I needed to do something active to burn off energy, so I wound up joining the team for the late-afternoon practice.”
“Is it safe for you to play?” I asked.
He nodded. “Yeah. I can’t play in real games anymore, but a casual practice is okay. Mostly, I ran and kicked the ball. No heavy contact with the other players at all. If I thought it would be more than that, I would have worn the special headgear the doctors forced on me. Trust me, I’m extra careful. Especially now, knowing I’m responsible for cupcake and ham.”
It was ridiculously adorable that he had nicknames for them. Gah. Why was seeing a man step up to the plate for children so swoon-worthy?
“Was it hard to stop playing professionally?”
“Fuck yeah. For the first month, I sat around and felt sorry for myself. I’d always thought I’d retire in my late thirties so being shut down at twenty-eight hurt like a bitch. The perception is that soccer is a safe sport, but it’s as dangerous as any other. Aside from the concussions, I’d also had six broken fingers, multiple bruised ribs, tw
o black eyes, and one broken nose since college. Professional sports are hard on the body, full stop, so not getting my ass kicked on the reg wasn’t a loss. I missed being on a team, though. I jumped at the opportunity to buy into the Lions because it allows me to still be part of the game. Mostly, I’m glad I did it.”
“Just mostly?”
A shadow passed over his expression. “If I hadn’t bought in, Kellan might have made a different choice. If he’d re-signed with Oregon, he and Lana would still be alive to raise their children.”
The pain in his voice was gut-wrenching. I reacted without thinking, reaching over and setting my hand on his arm.
“Don’t do that to yourself,” I murmured. “What if never helps. None of us know when or where our time will come.”
As I spoke, I rubbed my thumb back and forth soothingly across his forearm like it was the most natural thing in the world. I didn’t think about the fact that I was touching him (after weeks of avoiding it) until I stopped speaking, and he covered my hand with his. Assuming he was about to remove my hand, I started to pull away. He stopped me with a gentle squeeze.
“I suggested that Kellan take Lana on a date that night,” he blurted, his voice strained. “Since the night nanny only had a few days left on her contract, I told him he should get in one night off before she left.”
My heart ached because I understood that the guilt he was carrying didn’t belong to him. “Please don’t blame yourself. You didn’t make it rain, and you weren’t driving the car that hit them. You couldn’t have foreseen the accident. There’s no table of contents for life, no spoiler reviews to let us know what to expect.”
“I know, but—”
“There is no but,” I said. As I spoke, I turned my hand over and slid my fingers through his.
He clasped my hand like it was a lifeline. “I never had the pleasure of meeting Kellan or Lana, but knowing that they chose you to raise their children in case the worst happened says a lot. I don’t believe for even an instant that either of them would want you to spend the rest of your life blaming yourself for something you didn’t do. You’ll honor them by raising their babies to be healthy and happy.”
He squeezed my hand tightly in his as he cleared his throat. “I wish I could make you understand how much your words and your faith in my ability to do the job they left me with means to me.”
When our eyes met, I knew I was on dangerous ground.
I didn’t look away.
The scent of his cologne teased my senses, and the look in his eyes felt downright hypnotic. It felt like I was in a dream when I tugged my hand from his and set it on his cheek to trace the end-of-day stubble there. I startled and started to pull back when he sucked in a breath. He reached up and covered my hand with his.
“I need you to touch me. Don’t stop.”
The sound of the alarm on my phone broke the spell. Yanking my hand away, I turned, picked it up, and hit stop.
“It’s time to make their bottles,” I said.
I avoided looking at him as I pushed up from the floor and headed for the kitchen. I promised myself that whatever that was wouldn’t happen again.
I was grateful to Law for not pushing the issue. After I brought the bottles back to the living room to feed the twins, things felt strained for the first few minutes. Once each of us had a baby in our arms—I had Holden, Law had Hope—and the focus was back on them, the tension dissipated.
After the babies were fed and burped, we took them into the kitchen so that the two of us could eat dinner. Mary had made one of my favorites, her chicken enchilada casserole. Over dinner, Law and I talked about his sister Kathleen’s impending visit with her newborn son. The conversation was blessedly normal and innocuous. I promised myself I would do nothing to rock the boat again.
The rest of the night continued just like that. After dinner, we strapped the babies in strollers (Law insisted they both needed a view, so they each had their own) and walked around the neighborhood. When we got back, we settled into the living room and watched two episodes of Modern Family. At eight, we gave the babies their nighttime bath. Once they were dry and in their little pajamas, they received their end-of-day feeding. The process took about an hour, as it always did. Routine with babies was essential, and the twins had taken to theirs. I rocked Hope on one glider while Law rocked Holden on the other. When they were asleep, we laid them in their cribs, turned on the classical music, and snuck out. It was normal, the same as every other night.
The difference was that I couldn’t hide the truth from myself anymore. I was in love with Law, but the memories of our past paralyzed me, and I didn’t think there was a damn thing that could be done about it.
The only option was to keep those feelings hidden. Eventually, I silently promised myself, they’d go away.
Even as I thought that, I knew it was bullshit.
Chapter Eight
Addison
Not long after I showered and dried my hair, there was a knock on my door. Obviously, I knew it was Law. Assuming he wanted to discuss the babies, I hurried to open the door. Since I always knew there was a chance I’d run into him in the hall or the babies’ room at night, I was wearing pajamas that didn’t show a lot of skin.
His hair was a little damp like he too had just showered, and he was in his typical nighttime attire of basketball shorts and a T-shirt. I’d realized pretty quickly after moving in that he must not own pajamas. My bet was that before the babies and I moved showed up in his life, he’d probably slept naked or in his boxers. My mouth went dry as I tried not to imagine just how hot that would be. Law might’ve been retired from the game, but his body was still perfection.
Forcing myself to speak, I said, “What’s up?”
“It’s time, Addison. We need to talk.”
“About what?” I squeaked.
“About us.”
I looked down at the floor so I wouldn’t have to see his yes. “There… there is no us,” I stammered.
He put two fingers beneath my jaw and tilted my head back so our eyes met.
“There’s been an us since the night I took your virginity.”
I yanked my head away as my stomach did a few somersaults because of his words.
“We don’t need to talk about anything,” I said.
“That’s a lie, and you know it. I’ve owed you an apology for ten fucking years, but you never let me get close enough to give it.”
“Because I don’t want a goddamn apology,” I snapped. “I’ve forgotten about it, and you should, too. For me, it’s like that night never happened.”
“Bullshit. For one selfish moment, I dropped my guard and let myself have you. Neither of us has forgotten a minute of it.”
“I have,” I countered.
“Liar,” he said, his voice low.
“Don’t do this, Law. Nothing good will come from reliving that night. I like this job, and I don’t want to leave.”
“You don’t want to leave because this is where you belong, and you know it. It will be even better once you let me apologize.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him. “Fine. Say you’re sorry and go.”
He stared at me silently for a few seconds before he spoke. “I’m sorry I was an asshole. I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were a virgin. I’m sorry that I didn’t make it special for you. I’m sorry for running away. I’m sorry I didn’t fight like hell to see you and let you know that I understood just how badly I fucked up. I’m sorry for not letting you know that I’d had feelings for you for years.”
My eyes were as wide as pie plates. “Wait, what?”
I wondered if I was dreaming, or if Law had really announced that he’d had feelings for me.
“If you thought what happened that night was some spur-of-the-moment thing, you were wrong. The way I felt about you was too much, though. You were so steady and sure of your path, and the things we wanted would never align.”
“What things?” I asked, confused.
“I can’t remember a time when you didn’t know that you wanted to work with children and books. You said you’d start as a librarian and save until you had money to open a children’s bookstore in Calabasas. You’d talk about costumes for dramatic readings of classic books, tea parties, and special appearances by authors and illustrators.”
“What was wrong with that?”
“Nothing,” he answered. “But as a kid whose goal was to be on a major league soccer team, I knew we weren’t compatible. I figured I’d be traveling the country living my dream, and you’d be here living yours. If we got together, and it didn’t work, my family would’ve killed me because they loved you so much. I decided that as long as I ignored you, my feelings would have to eventually go away. And then in one stupid, selfish moment, I stopped fighting. But when I did, and I realized you were a virgin, I forced myself to stop.”
I gaped at him for several seconds as I processed everything he said. “So you’re telling me you treated me like shit because you liked me?”
He winced. “I’m not proud of it, but yeah.”
“That is seriously whacked, Law. I... are you serious?”
“I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth, so I need to own it. I fucked up, baby. If I could go back, I’d do it all differently, but as a very smart and ridiculously sexy woman told me, life doesn’t come with a table of contents. I can’t change the past, but I’ll fight like hell for our future.”
I went a little weak in the knees when he called me baby.
“Our future?” I asked.
“I know you feel this,” he said.
“I do, but after what happened, I’m afraid you’ll change your mind.”
“I won’t change my mind. It’s a fact that I fucked up back then, but things are different now. I’m not a stupid jackass little punk anymore. I know what’s at stake, and I’m all in.”
The certainty in his words and the promise in his eyes took the fear away. I knew I could trust him now. He wasn’t the only one who was different. We’d both grown up.
Team Player 2: A Sports Anthology Page 42