Not Another Soldier

by Holt, Samantha

  He takes his time slipping the straps off my shoulders and removing my bra as I stroke my foot along the back of his leg, gently urging him on. His gaze keeps dropping to my breasts, my thighs, my pussy and I know he doesn’t see my flaws. He only sees me as a sexy, sensual woman. It’s empowering and frightening. How do you live up to something like that?

  Now I’m totally naked, he flattens himself against me. His body is hard and warm through his jeans and T-shirt and though I ache to feel his smooth skin, it’s a pretty erotic sensation being naked and vulnerable in his arms.

  He buries his head in the crook of my neck and I hook both legs around him and rock up so my delicate flesh rubs against the unforgiving fabric of his fly. I throb with need and I’m not sure I can stand whatever it is he plans to do to me.

  Kissing his way along my jaw, when he finds my mouth again I’m ready and willing and I kiss him with an open mouth, tangling my tongue with his. I explore his mouth as he does the same to me.

  Rough fingers stroke my neck, my shoulder and then down my arm. He clasps my hip again and skims down to caress my thigh. I grip his top as my breathing grows ragged with his kisses. My skin is hot and clammy and I need him so badly. I continue to rock, trying to draw as much pleasure from him as possible but it’s never going to bring me the ultimate satisfaction.

  “Nick, I need you. Inside me. Please.”

  He chuckles and continues to knead my thigh. I tug impatiently at his T-shirt and he eases back, weight on his knees so he can draw it over his head. I observe and lick my lips as he unbuckles his jeans and pulls them off. The outline of him is clearly visible against the white fabric of his briefs and I sit up to hold him. He presses a breath through his teeth when I stroke him and we both end up on our knees in front of each other.

  “Stop,” he groans but I continue to rub him through the cotton. I need him as sex-crazed as I am.

  In spite of his protest, he continues to kiss across my face and neck, his hands wrapped around my shoulders as he pitches into my hand. I press harder, feeling the pulse of him in response.

  Abruptly, he tears away and stands to shuck off his briefs. He’s barefoot already which makes me grin. There’s something about his bare feet that I find so sexy. He’s far back enough away from the bed that I can admire all of him. From his strong feet to his lean hips, to that ‘v’ in between them. I’m surprised I’m still on my knees as I’m a little light headed. He takes a moment and just stands there, letting me admire him. When I finally bring my gaze up to his, I know he’s been enjoying my admiration. I see a certain smugness in his expression. And who can blame him? His body is divine.

  As he makes his way back to the bed and snatches a condom out the drawer, I briefly spot the scarring on his calf where the shrapnel tore through him. I look away quickly, unwilling to dampen his feeling of male superiority. He’s still so beautiful but it’s hard to remember he’s a mortal. Nick Jackson is one amazing guy. I just thank God it didn’t do any greater damage.

  Before I can think any more on the fact he’s a soldier and I swore never to get involved with one again, he’s on me and pressing me against the bed. I grip his ass and urge him into the cradle of my thighs. We started slow but I’m not sure I can wait much longer. He edges forward, weight supported on one hand as the other presses under my ass and cradles it. Nick’s gaze locks onto mine and he sinks into me, inching in. I draw in a long breath as he invades me, slowly, carefully, beautifully. My heart feels like it’s going to explode out of my chest as we’re enveloped in a world of our own. Everything is hazy, even almost the feeling of our bodies melding, apart from his face and the intense expression. When we’re fully joined, Nick waits a moment. Already my body responds.

  “Nick,” I whisper, the awe slipping into my tone.

  It is primitive, whatever it is between us. So simple that I can’t deny it. The connection is strong and age old. The kind of thing that comes once in a lifetime, maybe even less often.

  When he starts to move, I arch into him and tighten my legs around him. We move in sync, in an easy flowing motion. Already we’re like old lovers but the excitement is zinging through me, making my skin tingle and my body throb.

  “Nick,” I whisper again.

  “I know, babe,” he tells me as he puts his weight onto me.

  His hard chest is like a warm, sensual blanket to my needy body. I relish the feel of him. So much power, held back just enough to let me sense it but not be overwhelmed by it. He touches me like I’m special, with so much gentleness that my heart threatens to break. It aches so much as Nick comes down to kiss my cheek and the corner of my lips before sealing his mouth over mine.

  I don’t expect it but the touch of his mouth to mine triggers an intense, unfurling sensation in my sex and I release a muffled cry against his lips as an orgasm ripples through me, as slow and as gentle as his movements but so achingly perfect. My eyes are damp as he murmurs endearments in my ear.

  He picks up the pace and I encourage him with the press of my nails in his ass, the satisfaction of my orgasm still simmering through my veins.

  But it’s not enough. I need more. More Nick. Will I ever get enough of him?

  “You’re so sweet and hot,” he whispers and kisses me again.

  Already my body is tight around him, on the edge. I’m barely managing to hold off as I want to experience everything. I want to see the moment before he goes over. I need to know if this chemistry between us affects him as it does me.

  I grip his arms, feel them undulate and tense under my fingertips and he pulses inside me. He groans and I’m fascinated. His eyes are soft and tender but his pupils are dilated with desire and we can’t seem to look away from each other. We come together, his climax triggering mine and it’s so powerful, I can barely comprehend it. It feels like we exchanged more than just pleasure.

  He kisses roughly at my hair as gratification seeps into my limbs. Nick’s arms are slightly shaky as are the kisses he scatters across my face before sinking down next to me. I’m smiling. I can’t help it. I wait for the regret to inch in but it doesn’t come. How can you regret such a thing? He was right, you can’t forget sex like that. It will stay with me forever and I can’t help thinking I want more.

  But I’m not sure I can ever give more, let alone receive it. I need to lay down some boundaries but for the moment I just want to enjoy it. I have a sexy, incredible man in my bed and I need to relish this. It’s been a very long time since I enjoyed being with a man and sex has never been like this for me before. I bite my lip. I hope it hasn’t for Nick either.

  I can’t help giggle as he nuzzles into my neck and presses tickling kisses to it. He reaches down and draws the sheets over us. “You’re so distracting, babe. I can’t think when I see you naked,” he explains.

  I reach up, thread my fingers into his hair and take a moment just to study him, to remember his handsome face, strong jaw, kissable lips. I want to always remember the time when I made such a strong man look at me like I was his whole world.

  Fingers tracing his collar bone, I continue to stroke through his hair with my other hand. “You’re pretty distracting too. I need to make dinner.”

  He glances over at the clock on my bedside table. “Dinner can wait.”

  “We need to eat.”

  “Keep up our strength?” he asks hopefully. I can see doubt in his gaze. He’s bracing himself for a rejection.

  And he should be. I should be rejecting him. Nothing’s changed, save that I’m not sure I can ever let him go, but it doesn’t change our circumstances.

  Regardless of my worries, I still beam at him. “Yeah, something like that.”

  “I could survive on just you.”

  I laugh; the idea of such a big man not wanting to eat seems ridiculous. “You couldn’t.”

  “I could.” Nick lays his lips on my neck and then the dip between my breasts. “I don’t need anything but you.” His voice is muffled against my skin. “Just you, Sienna.” He b
rings his head up and the sincerity in his expression makes my heart thud. “You have no idea how important you’ve become in my life, do you?”

  I numbly shake my head. Even though I’ve always been aware of the attraction between us, it’s always felt one-sided. Nick’s looked after me so much, even before Rob died. I never understood what he got out of our friendship.

  “My injury changed things.”

  He comes back to my side and I stroke a finger along the side of his face. I almost dread the words, but I need to hear them so badly. I want to know everything.

  “I couldn’t be the same guy I was. You know Liberty didn’t want anything to do with me after my leg was mangled.”

  I fight down the rising jealousy and try to keep my expression neutral. “She should never have left you at such a time.”

  Nick shrugs. “She wasn’t that important to me. I’d never been serious about her, but I realized how much time I’d wasted on pointless relationships. And with the limp, women saw me differently. Even the ones I’d known before the shooting. Except you. You always treated me the same. I never felt pitied and you never hero worshipped me. I was still just Nick.”

  “You are a hero,” I say softly.

  “No.” His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. “No, the guys who died were heroes.”

  I don’t argue the point. I know he did all he could to save those guys, still fighting on even as shrapnel tore through his leg. He was lucky he didn’t lose his leg. But he’s too modest to ever see himself that way.

  “I always thought you were beautiful,” he continues. “Always regretted not asking you out first, but once Rob went away, everything changed. You’re so caring, in spite of everything you’ve been through. And you’re so strong. You were determined to stick it out with Rob to the bitter end. Not many people fight like that these days.”

  “You did,” I remind him. “They weren’t sure you were even going to walk again and look, you’re still a soldier.”

  “Yeah for all the good it’s done me. I’ll never fight again. It’s all shuffling papers now.”

  I chew my lips and continue to stroke his jaw. “I didn’t know.”

  “You’ve had your own problems, Sienna. Besides I’m lucky to be alive, I can’t really complain.”

  What must it be like, to have spent your entire career training to do one thing and to no longer be able to do it? I can’t believe what a good job he’s done, hiding his frustration. It just goes to show how selfless he is. I laugh. And he thinks I’m caring!

  “Why are you laughing?” His brows raise but there’s a twinkle in his gaze, erasing my guilt for the totally inappropriate reaction.

  “I was just thinking how ridiculous it is that you think I’m caring, but you’ve always looked after me. You’re the caring one, Nick.”

  “Nah. You work so hard to look after people. You’re like a light to me, short stuff. When I came back from Afghanistan, you seemed so perfect. Never thinking of yourself, always striving to do what’s right. It’s a shitty world and you had a shitty marriage and yet you were always so nice and funny and kind.”

  My cheeks are probably scarlet by now and I shake my head. “Now who’s hero worshipping? I’ve got my issues, you know that better than anyone.”

  “I do. And I don’t care. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to convince you, Sienna. You and me. This is it. The Real Deal.” I blow out a slow breath and try to tug away but he hooks a hand under my neck and holds me firm. “You’re not going anywhere, babe.”

  “I don’t want to,” I confess. “But I can’t make any promises. I want to but I’m still finding my feet here. I devoted five years to my marriage and look where it got me. I’m just not sure I can give much right now. I already take enough from you.”

  “Take all you want. I don’t care.”

  I smile softly. “I know. I’m not saying no to us. I just can’t offer much right now.”

  It’s ridiculous really, one minute I’m declaring I’ll never get involved with a soldier again and here I am in Nick’s arms. I guess I’m hoping just a little more time with him and we’ll both get over it. We’ll realize it’s just attraction and chemistry, and it will be finished. But part of me wonders if we’re not just heading for heartache. I mean it when I say can’t offer much. I can’t get serious, not so soon after burying my husband and I don’t want to be married to a soldier again. I’m not sure I even want to date one. Nick seems to think he’ll never go to war, but what if that changes? And what if he gets frustrated because he can’t? And takes it out on me? I shake my head to myself. No, Nick would never be like Rob but that doesn’t mean things would be easy. I’m just not sure I can handle the whole army life again anyway. The moving, the losing friends and having to make new ones. All the bureaucratic bullshit that comes along with it. Someone else always dictating your life.

  “Hey.” He cups my jaw. “I’ll take what I can get, Sienna, but just so you know, I will fight for us. I want there to be an ‘us’. I’m not going to make it easy on you.”

  Now why does that idea thrill me so much?

  I fidget in his hold, the intensity suddenly too much. “Come on, let’s get some food.”

  I sense his reluctance as he releases me, but I appreciate that he does let me go. He lays back, arms behind his head as he watches me untangle myself from the sheets and walk to my closet to dig out my dressing gown. Nick looks insanely sexy against my purple sheets, his blonde hair tousled, chest completely on display for me. All those ripples practically beg for me to lick my tongue along them.

  Self-consciously I shrug into my fluffy robe. “You coming?”

  “I was just taking a moment to enjoy the view.” He flashes me a grin.

  I roll my eyes and try not to simper under his attention. I can’t help it. Somehow he makes me feel so sensual and beautiful. Throwing my chin up, I stride out and pray he can’t see my embarrassment.

  By the time I start inspecting my fridge, he’s by my side, sitting casually on a bar stool in only his jeans. He might have run his fingers through his hair but he still looks like a guy who’s just had a very good time. I grin as he watches me carefully.

  “What?” he says, leaning back against the breakfast bar.

  “You look…” I can’t believe I’m going to say this, “thoroughly fucked.”

  He releases a sharp laugh at my coarse language. “Well you look… thoroughly loved.” I snap my gaze back to the fridge as he stands and comes to my side. “Your lips are rosy and puffy from my kisses. Your hair is messy. You smell…” he wraps his hands around my waist and I feel the heat of his palms even through the material of my robe as he presses his head into the side of my neck and inhales, “like sex. Sinful and gorgeous.”

  “Nick, behave,” I scold playfully.

  “You don’t make it easy.” He draws back. “This,” he skims a finger over my neck, “I don’t like. Does it hurt?”

  “My neck?” I place a hand to it. God, I’d almost forgotten all about it. “It’s tender.”

  Releasing me, he sits down again. “I should have taken you to the hospital not made love to you.”

  Love? That word keeps coming up. I wish it wouldn’t. Even as my stomach twists in excitement, it sends a shudder of fear through me. Too much, too fast, constantly plays through my mind.

  “I’m okay, honestly. It will probably hurt more in the morning.” I still keep my gaze on the contents of the fridge, though I’ve got no idea what I’m looking at or what I’m going to cook.

  “Fainting is not okay. Maybe we should still get you checked over.”

  “I didn’t faint because of what happened… well I did… but, look, I was just real scared.” I release the fridge door and face him.

  The concern in his expression saddens me. I always secretly longed for Rob to show some kind of concern for me but he was so indifferent throughout most of our marriage. Now I’ve got someone who genuinely cares for me, I don’t know what to do with it. I gulp as I
consider the fear I felt earlier. Guilt, sharp and strong, strikes me in the heart, makes me feel slightly nauseated. It must show on my face because he scowls.

  “What’s going on, Sienna?”

  Damn, am I that easy to read?

  “Nothing… it’s just…” I’ve been longing to tell him for so long. No one knows what Rob did to me, how much he terrified me. Even Nick didn’t understand what had pushed me to finally think about leaving Rob. But he’s been so honest with me. His words to me earlier about how he felt about his job, his injury—they must have cost him. Nick is essentially the most honest guy I’ve ever met but even he doesn’t want to be seen as weak. Talking about his injury had to have been difficult. You see so many inspiring guys, who strive on past their injuries… you can’t be the one guy who complains about it.

  I draw on my courage. If anyone deserves the truth, it’s Nick. He needs to know everything, to understand why I’m so damaged. Pressing my lips together, I shut the fridge and clasp my hands together.

  “When that guy grabbed me, it brought back memories I’d rather forget.” I sigh. “You know I was going to leave Rob?” He nods, brow still furrowed. “He did something… and I knew I couldn’t stay anymore, that there was no point in trying.”

  His eyes darken and I see his muscles bunch. “What did he do?” he asks tightly.

  “He tried to strangle me,” I reply quietly as I stare at my hands.

  “Shit,” he whispers.

  “I don’t know exactly what I did to trigger it. He was drunk as usual. Maybe I argued back too much or whatever, but he wrapped his hands around my neck and squeezed real hard.” I shake my head and crush my hands tighter. “I thought I was going to die.”

  I glance up to see him running his hands through his hair. “Why didn’t you say something?”

  “He was your friend. And I felt… like a failure. I’d tried so hard and now I was giving up. Everyone says no one tries at marriage anymore. I used to look at people who had divorced and wonder why they didn’t work for it. I was ashamed. I didn’t want to admit I’d forced Rob over the edge.”