After that, Richard told me about moving in with Henry and eventually being surprised to find that Henry didn't particularly care what his limits were. When Henry made rules, he didn't get an agreement from Richard. He just demanded that Richard do as he was told.
The part of Richard's tale that surprised me the most was hearing that he was forced to perform with other men and wasn't allowed to leave the house. He finally ended the description of his life with Henry saying, "I knew I had to get out of there, but he'd developed a mean streak, and I knew he wouldn't hesitate to do whatever he could to stop me."
Imagining my Richard being treated that way, by anyone, made me angry. I was filled with energy, that bad energy that you feel when you want to hit someone. At the same time, I was feeling sad that Richard had to succumb to such treatment. "That sounds awful. Did he hurt you? I mean, in a way that you didn't want?"
"Toward the end he did. A lot of times he became overly rough with me. He'd wait until I was zoning and then he'd whip the crap out of me. Honestly, by then I didn't feel much, but when I came out of it, I had injuries that needed to heal. Toward the end, he'd lock me in a cage at night, or leave me on the rack if he was really angry. He was afraid I'd run away while he was sleeping."
I was speechless. Locking a person in a cage was inhuman. I tried to keep my voice steady as I asked, "You mentioned something before. You said, 'coming out of it.' I don't really understand what you mean." Seeing the look on Richard's face as he told me about the treatment he'd received was breaking my heart. I had to move the conversation off of that topic.
Richard's expression changed. He sat back and his hands were no longer together. Putting his arm around the couch, he began, "You know the feeling you crave so much?"
"Yeah."
"Well, it has its own levels. You'll discover that eventually. You'll sink so deeply into your zone you no longer sense the things around you properly. I can't wait to show you that. When it's over, you need a special period of stroking and tenderness to bring your senses back to normal. Henry showed me that—at first—but when he got used to me, he just used me and left me to flounder until I came out on my own."
"What made you want to change your role?"
"Honestly? After Henry, I think it would be impossible to trust someone again that way. It wasn't long before I met that sub I told you about." He then looked at his watch and he asked me if I'd packed my things. I didn't intrude any further. It was clear he'd said as much as he intended to.
"Yeah, I have a bag ready and Scratch's food." Every time we talked about that little dog he wagged his tail as a sign to us that he heard his name being spoken. He lifted his little head and turned it so he could watch us. "When we're ready to leave, we can get his L-E-A-S-H out of the closet."
"Why the spelling?"
"If I say it, he'll jump up and give us the whole 'I want to go for a walk' thing." No sooner had I said the word 'walk' than I realized I'd told Scratch already. In seconds he was all over us anyway. Heading toward the closet, I grabbed the leash. "He has a point. If we're going to Finch's house, we'd better take him for a walk."
*~*~*
As we pulled up to the address Logan had given me, I was surprised. The house was one of the older homes built originally when what is now Arizona State University was still Arizona Teachers College. The area it was in was one of the few places these old stone houses could be found in the city. We parked across the street and walked over, stopping Scratch whenever he wanted to investigate a bush or an odor only he could detect. I had limited experience with Scratch inside another person's house. The walk had been a good idea. At least he's empty now, I thought.
As Logan answered the door and introduced Richard to Finch, I took a moment to look at my brother. Finch had dark black hair, dark eyes, and a warm smile. Thin for a man who valued Logan partially for his size, I thought. At the same time, I was gaining a new appreciation for what my brother looked like. My feelings about him had been so strong growing up that I'd never really seen him as others did.
I thought of their relationship and my involvement with Richard. Both of them were a little out of the ordinary. After knowing Richard and learning even a little of what he had to teach me, I knew that if he disappeared tomorrow I'd end up seeking out somebody who enjoyed the same things that he did. Who was I to judge Finch for what he found attractive?
As Finch showed us the house, I could smell the pork roast cooking in the kitchen. Scratch stayed close to Richard and me.
While Finch checked on something in the kitchen, Logan showed us the upstairs. The master bedroom was small and the furniture was simple. Before we left the room, Logan threw his arms around us one at a time. "I'm so happy, you guys." It was wonderful to see him like this. Looking out the window I could see there was no pool. Changing the lunch location made our swimming suits useless.
Later, we had an incredible lunch. It was sort of a pork chili only it was served in courses. It was infused with flavors I'd never experienced. "Did you cook this Logan?"
"No, Finch took over."
Surprised my brother could cook this good I had to ask him if he really cooked it. "I cooked it this morning," Finch answered.
"No! You cooked this?"
"I did. You like it?"
"I didn't know you could cook. Logan told me you wanted to open a restaurant, but I had no idea you could cook like this."
"Maybe that's because we don't really know each other. You think?"
"Yeah, we gotta do something about that."
Putting his arm around Logan and leaning across the table, Finch whispered, "Well, under the circumstances, we don't have much choice do we?"
"This is a good thing for us. You and I need to do some talking," I said. He reached across the table, and taking my hand in his, he squeezed it a moment, expressing his agreement.
After lunch, we cleared the dishes. I walked through the double doors into the kitchen and found myself alone with Finch. "Finch, I have to tell you before we leave today... The night I 'outed you,' I never knew. I mean, I never knew there was such a thing. I was just stupid. I'm so sorry."
Finch put his arm around me. "You know, I knew you were gay. What I didn't know was how important the moment of stepping out of the closet with your family was. Little brother, let me take this moment and apologize for being such an asshole when you were little. It's something I can never take away, but I want you and Robin to both know I love you. I'm particularly proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to be you. I honestly hope you and Richard last forever. He seems like a great guy."
"We can never go back and get what we lost. But let's do the best we can to turn this around. You know, my not feeling angry when you walk in the room is a big start."
"You were angry when you saw me?" Finch said.
"What can I say? You seemed like an asshole for a long time."
"Do you think we can ever really bury the hatchet?"
"Sure, but let's not pretend it never happened. Let's just celebrate that we got over it. Then we won't bring it up again." As I spoke, I saw the biggest smile on Finch I think I'd ever seen. He threw his arms around me and squeezed me. I'd have done the same, but his arms had mine pinned to my side.
"That'd be great. I don't want to pretend it never happened. If we can get beyond it, let's just celebrate it. I know we can never become the brothers we might have been, but we can become good friends who will always be in each other's lives." He released me as Logan walked in.
"Are you two going to join us?" Richard and I feel kind of abandoned.
When we left, it was getting to be around three. I told Logan and Finch that Scratch and I were going to see Richard's house for the first time.
"Where is it?" Logan asked.
"I don't really know."
Finch interrupted before Logan could say anything more: "Shall we tell them?" He was looking at Richard as he said it.
"What? Tell us what?" I said.
"Well, what Finch is
trying to say is my place is not exactly very far from here."
"How far is not very far?" I asked.
"Well, I'll show you." Taking us to the front door, Richard opened it and pointed off to the right, across the corner of the park. "You see that big, beautiful brownstone over there about three houses up after you turn left at the corner?"
"Yeah, it's beautiful. Is that it?"
"No, but it's a nice place, don't you think?" I was jumping up and down like a kid on Christmas morning and Richard was eating it up. "My house is the one on the left of that brownstone, the one with the big tree."
Excited, I stepped back into the house and pulled Richard behind me. Finch and Logan looked on as I threw my arms around Richard's shoulders. "That's the house you're moving me to? That place is huge. I had no idea you were even talking about anything like…"
Kissing me to shut me up just a minute, Richard looked down at me tenderly and asked, "You want to see it?"
"God, yes, I want to see it."
Looking over at Logan and Finch, Richard asked them if they'd like to go see the place.
"Yes," Logan said. "But not just yet. Why don't you boys head over there? I think Jay needs to see it alone. You can show us another time."
Not wasting any time, I grabbed Richard once again and headed out the door. "Good bye, Logan. Good bye, Finch. If you don't mind, I have to go see my new home."
"It was great seeing the inside of your house and getting to know you all," Richard said. "Thanks for lunch."
"Logan, I'll call you later."
"No, you'll show me the house later."
"Okay, I'll call."
Richard and I walked to get the car. Not that we need it, I thought. We could have walked just as fast. I was so excited I could barely drive. I was going to see the house Richard and I would be living in for the first time. It was close to the university, and I was fairly sure it had a back yard for Scratch. This would be my house, a home I'd been asked to be a part of.
I'd packed a bag before we left for Finch's. As we pulled into the driveway, I grabbed it and we headed toward the front door. The front of the house curved outward. From the outside, I wondered how you furnished something like that. Once inside, I saw the foyer served as the landing to the staircase that curved around the wall up to the second floor. Off to the left of the landing was the living room. "This was your grandfather's house?"
"Yes, he had it remodeled to his specifications. I've always loved the house, and apparently I asked him to leave it to me when I was just a little boy. I really have no memory of that, but he put it in his will. He left me the house and a small trust account large enough to cover the taxes and utilities until I was through school. Most people who own a house like this have incomes to match. I don't. But when I'm through with vet school and both of us are working, it'll be a nice place to live rent free, don't you think?"
Richard kept talking like we were a married couple. Every time he said something like that, I got kind of queasy inside. Had it only been a few weeks since I bought that bottle of scotch I'd yet to open? We wandered through the house. The quality of the furnishings and the art was something I wasn't really used to.
"Come on, I'll show you the upstairs." Richard was standing on the landing pointing up the stairs with his arm.
As I walked up the stairs, I realized how high the ceiling in the living area was. The second floor was walled off from the front of the house. As I reached the top of the stairs I saw a single, very large private suite. Walking into the bedroom, I stood amazed at the sheer size of the bed. The mattress was likely a giant king of some sort, but the poster bed frame was thick and bulky.
"Where do you keep the ropes?" I teased.
"We'll go through the end tables later. First, I have a surprise for you."
"Actually, this is a pretty good surprise. What could you be adding to this?"
Richard broke into a grin that was almost frightening. I could see that something was making him incredibly happy. It was the surprise, but what could he possibly do to top this?
"This house has a full cellar. Want to see?"
"You showed me the kitchen and the entire downstairs. I didn't see a stairwell going downstairs."
"Follow me." Richard turned and headed back down the stairs. Walking toward the back of the house, he passed through the kitchen, opening the door to the walk-in pantry. On the wall at the back of the pantry, he reached toward the wall and wrapped his fingers around a piece of molding. The whole section of wall opened up like a door, revealing a dark stairwell leading under the house.
"This is amazing. What's it for?"
"Grandpa used it originally as a cool room. When the house was built, the only cooling was evaporative. He had storage shelves down there and a small bedroom. That's when they tore out part of the upstairs and put that tall ceiling in the living room. In the hot months of the summer, it was cooler down under the house than it was upstairs. The living room stayed a little cooler because heat rises. When I got it, I spent a lot of time tearing out some of the old shelving and reworking it."
He reached into the stairwell and pulled a chain operating an old light that must have been installed back in the forties. Everything else was fairly modern looking. As we headed down the stairs, I wondered if this was the surprise or whether there was more.
At the bottom of the stairs was a room. It was covered with shelves. You could certainly store a lot of food down here, I thought. Then I turned the corner and my jaw fell.
The walls were the original stone, which darkened the room. The floor was almost invisible. It was carpeted with a thick, plush, dark carpet, and I could feel the padding underneath. It was a floor designed for the bare foot. The lighting for the room was all hidden behind shadowed sconces or other room features. What light they gave off was reflected off the dark stone walls. What little illumination there was seemed to all be reflected.
Hanging from the ceiling at the far corner was a sling. It was suspended from a hook lodged in a heavy beam overhead. It appeared to be made from leather, stainless steel chain, and netting. On the wall to the right was a wooden frame. The crossbeams held wrist bindings that snapped into place with loops for a lock on each one. I could feel myself beginning to zone just looking at it.
In the center, there were two benches upholstered in leather. The entire wall on the left was a display of paddles, a flogger, different binding equipment, and a few things I didn't recognize. On a table below the display was a row of rubber dildos arranged by size.
"I don't know what to say. I've only imagined places like this. I've never actually seen one," I said as Richard took me gently into his arms.
"I know a place like this can be a little ominous, but when two people trust one another, places like this can be a lot of fun. The environment helps put you in the mood.
"I'll say. My imagination is already going crazy over this. Where did you get all of this stuff?"
Sitting me down on one of the leather benches, Richard began to explain everything. "Most of this was here when I arrived. When I was graduating my senior year, I went out to celebrate with some friends of mine to a leather bar. They were showing me the place, and when I got to the back, you will never guess who I ran into."
"Who?"
"My grandpa. He'd lived his entire life as a straight man. He raised a family, the whole bit. That man just about dropped his beer when he saw me standing there. He looked me up and down just to make sure it was me. Then, knowing his grandson was staring at him from the back room of a leather bar he walked over, grabbed my arm and took me aside."
Watching as I sat there on the bench I could only see Richard's silhouette as he continued his story.
"Grandpa looked me straight in the face and said, 'When your grandmother died, I found I was single again. I'd known who I really was my entire life, but in my day, it wasn't at all acceptable. I was older and wanted to spend the last of my life living as the man I am.'"
While Richard
was talking, I gazed around the room, wondering what it might be like to use some of the equipment so orderly arranged on the walls and furniture. All the while, Richard continued his story about his grandfather.
"We had a beer and later the following day, he showed me this room. He wanted to make sure that when his time came, nobody would find it. He set most of this up. He passed away a few months later and left the place to me. I don't mind telling you that seeing a place like this and spending time in that leather bar played a big part of leading me down this path. My old master had a place just like it."
"Master?"
"Henry. He made me address him that way. He had a similar room. He wanted to try everything.
"What was his last name?"
"Waters. His name was Henry Waters."
The darkness of the room caught my attention. The warm lights and the smell of leather began to work their magic. All of it, mixed with the variety of special tools displayed around the room, continued to affect me in a way I didn't expect. A few months ago, a room like this would've been frightening. Now, I found myself standing in the center of a dungeon. Leaning against Richard, listening to the tone of his voice in the low lighting was starting to fill me with a kind of hunger. I could feel the heat of him against me as he held me, and I pulled away just a little bit. Speech was totally possible, but somehow, I no longer felt it was appropriate.
"Now?" I whispered. "Here?"
"Now?" Richard stepped back and looked at the expression on my face. He smiled down at me, answering my request by removing his shirt in a single movement. The shirt fell across Scratch's tail, wagging back and forth before it fell to the floor. "You strip and wait here. I want you kneeling when I return. I'm going to show Scratch the yard. It's fenced for a dog. My grandpa had a dog a few years back, so we have a doggie door for him. I'll be back in a moment.
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