“Going all out tonight, huh?” I teased as I pulled out the seat and plopped down.
“Soup’s messy,” he explained with a shrug.
Most nights, we took up residence at the breakfast bar or we sat on the couch in front of the television for our meal. We weren’t exactly the most formal of people. So instantly I knew that his decision hadn’t been spur of the moment. He’d planned this out so that we were seated face to face, where I couldn’t avoid looking him straight in the eye.
My stomach sank, but I played along like nothing was up. I lifted my spoon and focused on the chicken noodle goodness like I didn’t have a care in the world. Or suspicions about what was to come.
“This is really good,” I enthused, because it was.
Chris responded by setting down his own spoon, the handle clattering against the side of the bowl as he did so. He pushed the stoneware slightly away from himself to make room for his elbows on the tabletop. He then propped his chin upon his fists and stared at me for a moment.
“What?” I asked when I couldn’t hold out any longer.
“So I talked to Gracie today.”
Well, that wasn’t what I expected. The knot in my gut slowly untangled and I resumed eating. Chris and Gracie were pretty friendly, and them being in contact without my knowing it really wasn't earth shattering. In fact, it wasn’t even worth mentioning. Unless…
“She’s worried about you.”
Yep, that was it.
With a sigh, I too put down my silverware and assumed a matching position. We stared across the table at one another. I was waiting for him to expand on that thought, and he was expecting me to come up for air.
“Today was the first day in a long time that I wouldn’t have expected her to have called you for a well being check. But that’s Gracie for you. Unpredictable.”
“Funny how she said almost the same thing.”
“Come on Chris, you know that giving her an ownership stake in the company has nothing to do with what’s going on with my brother.”
“Yes, but she instantly assumed that it did. And can you blame her? You’ve been off ever since that night and all of a sudden, you spring a major business decision on her?”
I sighed. “I know the timing’s bad, but then again, maybe it isn’t. She’s been after me to change the company name ever since we got married. And I wasn’t ready to, because I wanted to see how things panned out with her. You know it’s always been in the back of my mind, and I gave her all the documentation to show that I was speaking with the lawyer and the graphic designer well in advance of Lauren sticking her nose into my mommy issues.”
“Which I told her.”
“Thanks for backing me up.”
“It’s the truth. And she deserves no less.”
“I agree.”
“She’s seriously considering the offer, angel.”
“Good. So what seems to be the problem?”
“She’s afraid that one day you’ll regret giving up half of your company. She’s afraid that you’re doing this to cement your relationship to her in light of everything else that’s going on. And she’s not going to put herself in a position where she thinks that you’re wanting her to be your savior.”
“It’s not like that, Chris.”
“That isn’t how she sees it. The way she’s looking at it, you were walking around in the throes of depression one moment, then this light bulb went off in your head, and she became the answer to all of your prayers.”
“She may very well be the answer to some of my prayers, but not the ones she’s thinking. And I told her that she deserved this. This is because of her talent, because I know that she can do it. Because I like her as a person and I respect her opinions. And because of our decision to work at starting a family. It just makes sense.”
“Then you need to just lay off of the hard sell for a while.”
“I told her to take all the time she needed. I told her to have the paperwork reviewed by her own lawyer, and to ask me about anything she wanted to.”
Chris nodded, considering. “And you could work on being a bit more cheery. Today’s the first day in a long time that my wife has made an appearance. I rather like having her back.”
“I like being back.”
Sufficiently pleased with the outcome of our little discussion, we both pulled our meals back into reach and finished eating. Yet I couldn’t shake the feeling that by carrying on with life as though nothing had happened, I wasn’t really solving anything. Sure, Chris was on my side - at least when it came to this - and Gracie would come around once she felt comfortable enough, but a very large part of who I was would remain missing.
A cheery exterior I could manage. I needed to manage.
But I wasn’t anywhere close to being able to forget.
Chapter Seventeen
Lauren
“I’m just wondering if I created more of a mess than I set out to solve,” I moaned into the phone, voicing my biggest fears. “I had the best of intentions, really I did.”
My dad had the perfect ear to bend for this situation. Too bad he was all the way down in Indianapolis and not able to sit across the kitchen counter from me and commiserate. Or maybe it was better that way, with him being removed from the situation. It wasn’t like I had a clue about much of anything, anyway.
Doug Jefferies had a way with advice. A tendency to allow me to talk through my own problems without butting in. So the silence that greeted me from the other end of the line didn’t annoy me. He was processing what I was telling him, crafting his wrap up at the end of the call. His words of wisdom that would undoubtedly make me feel at least a tiny bit more settled when we hung up.
“Everyone was happy. We were celebrating Will and Gracie doing whatever they’re doing. And Blake and Matthew were as tight as ever. And Chris was just Chris. And things were good. Until Patricia waltzed in my office and ruined all that.
“Did I think that Blake was going to be thrilled? No. Did I think that Matthew would be? I hoped so, but I wasn’t sure. I at least knew that he’d be willing to hear me out. And because of his relationship with his sister, I thought that he’d be able to at least get her to think about this rationally.
“But now there’s busted walls and bloody knuckles and silent treatment. And for what?”
This time, the question begged for a response, one which I was granted.
“Patricia met Sadie, though, correct?”
“Yes, Dad.” I snaked my hand through my short brown hair, barely fighting the urge to rip it from my scalp in frustration.
“And how did that go?”
I softened, a reaction so noticeable even bouncing off the cell phone towers that I knew he would understand. A part of me would cherish that moment, knowing that I had been the one to put it into motion. It had been quite beautiful, had it been taken out of context.
“I’ll never forget how Patricia’s face lit up when she saw her granddaughter for the first time. It almost erased all of the doubts that I had about doing this in the first place. But there are so many damn questions left, and it didn’t seem like the proper time to ask them. I didn’t want to ruin things. The masochistic side of me wants her to feel like she’s welcome at our house, not push her away.”
“Questions like what happens when her husband finds out?”
“Questions exactly like that. And I think that Matthew was on the verge of getting closer to the answers, but I walked in on them at the wrong time. And once Patricia laid eyes on Sadie, it was all over.”
“You’ll get there. And if you don’t, Matthew will. Maybe Patricia doesn’t feel comfortable discussing that sort of thing in front of you. Even though she was the one who came to you first, she still just barely met you. Money is a touchy subject, especially for someone in her circumstances.”
“I know she has some stashed away, and that Alan likely wouldn’t notice if it was gone. But I can’t see her being able to finance a lifestyle like she’s used to out o
f a slush fund. I’m thinking it’s enough to pay for some really nice gifts for Sadie, but not sufficient to purchase a luxury car and a new house when he kicks her out on the curb.”
“Would he do that?”
“Alan did that to his own children. I wouldn’t put it past him to do it to his wife. Think about it; it would be the ultimate betrayal. He laid down the law and it was like that for over a decade. Not just until Matthew got out of jail. It didn’t end when Blake started her own business. Not when either one of his offspring proved their worth as contributing members of society, people that any parent could be proud of. Alan wrote them off completely. They are dead to him.”
“Would she let the same thing happen to her?”
I sighed, unsure. Part of me wanted to believe that she was a good person, and that she had finally had some sense knocked into her that she was missing out on the lives of her family. But there was still such a materialistic side to her - apparent by the thousand dollar plus shoes, the designer handbag, the Botox - that I couldn’t convince myself that she could overcome it. In Patricia Snyder’s world, were things more important than people?
“I’m not sure,” I waivered.
“Self-preservation is a strong instinct,” Dad advised. “For her, this is all very new and quite easy to hide. You told me yourself that Alan is barely home, and he probably wouldn’t question her whereabouts if she wasn’t there when he walked in the door. But eventually, this incognito thing won’t be as easy to keep up. She’ll get caught. Or Sadie will wonder why she can’t go to Grandma’s house, or call her on the phone.”
“And that’s what I’m afraid of. At some point, this is just going to be too difficult to manage. She’s either going to have to come clean with Alan, or face the consequences when he does find out. No matter what I think of her parenting skills, I’m not spiteful enough to think she deserves him to cut her out of his life. I’m not jonesing for them to divorce over her desire to make amends.”
“Odds are that she hasn’t thought that far in advance. Or if she has done the same soul searching you are, she doesn’t yet know how she’d react. How’d you leave things with her?”
“Open ended, I suppose. No promises, no schedules set up for visitation or anything. To be honest with you, I think she was just as shell-shocked as Matthew and me. Like we were in some kind of alternate reality, not really believing that it was truly happening. And I think she was upset that Blake wouldn’t give her the time of day.”
“So let it play out. You can’t expect this to be resolved in a couple of visits. There’s too many moving parts here. And as much as you try to insert yourself into this, you have a very small role. It’s something that Matthew has to deal with in his own way. It’s his mother and his sister after all.”
“I know. And I guess this is as good as time for any for all of this to happen. If it all ends up self-destructing, Sadie won’t be old enough to remember any of it. But the problem there is that I don’t want her to forget Blake. And if you would have asked me two months ago if Blake would remove herself from Sadie’s life, I would have told you that you were crazy. I always thought that Blake would be a constant in her niece’s world, and I wrecked that bond for nothing more than a crapshoot.”
It was my dad’s turn to pause. “Maybe not,’ he hedged, some sort of an idea forming in his head. One that he wasn’t about to share, apparently.
No matter, anyway. I heard the familiar sound of the Mustang roaring into the the driveway, and I knew my therapy session with my father was over. I wasn’t comfortable discussing my fears so openly with my husband in direct earshot, airing his dirty laundry as though it was my own.
I said a hasty goodbye to Dad and disconnected the call just as the garage door closed and Matthew appeared in the kitchen. Time to switch gears.
“How did it go?” I asked, placing my phone on the countertop and rounding the island to stand by his side. The look on his face wasn’t reassuring.
“As well as can be expected, I guess.”
I grabbed his hand and led him into the family room, where we could at least sit in comfort on the couch. He folded his frame onto the cushion below him, his actions the very epitome of defeat.
“I thought that you and Chris meeting up would be useful,” I prodded, waiting for his recap of events.
Though I didn’t want to give the impression that Chris had needed to sneak out of his own house to meet with Matthew, that was pretty much what had happened. I was certain that there was a cover story, that Will had been named, but that Fort Wayne’s favorite cop hadn’t been anywhere near whatever location the get together had occurred. Will probably didn’t even know he was an accomplice, not that he’d particularly care. He wasn’t close with Blake, and she likely wouldn’t mention the night out to Gracie. Even if she did, my bestie knew a thing or two about stealth, and she’d not rat Chris out.
“It was good to see him again,” Matthew allowed. “Under better circumstances would have been preferable.”
“So Blake’s still pretty upset about things?”
He shrugged. “Chris seems to think so. But Blake’s internalizing everything, like she always does. Only neither one of us has dealt with anything of this magnitude before, at least not while it was actually happening.”
Very true. The miscarriage had been hidden under lock and key, exposed only upon my own pregnancy, and even then because Chris had pushed her to explain her coldness to him at my wedding. Otherwise, that secret would possibly have been taken to the grave.
“He’s scared. Scared of losing her.”
“I know. That much was evident the day he showed up at my office. I still have no idea of what his motives were for that.”
“He was feeling you out.”
“Why?”
“To see if getting kicked out of his house by my sister would effectively end our friendship.”
“You’re not like that. If Blake breaking up with him didn’t change his status as your best friend, this wouldn’t. Besides, he agrees with us.”
“I’m not even sure if I agree with us.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
I turned to him, a little more confrontationally than I intended to. His only response was to bite his lip.
“You need to give me a little help here. Are you having second thoughts?”
“What if Blake’s right? What if she somehow knows that this isn’t going to turn out to be the happy ever after we want it to be, and she is doing this to save herself?”
“Then she could have expressed herself a bit more tactfully. From what you told me, she barely gave you the time of day. It was an immediate reaction. No opportunity to explain yourself and try to get her to see your point of view.”
“But that’s just it. I don’t know my point of view. What if I’m not seeing things clearly myself? What if, like Blake says, I’m so desperate to be redeemed in my mother’s eyes that I ignore the consequences?”
“What’s Chris think?”
“We’re both stumped.”
“So the only one who has a firm opinion on any of this is Blake. And it’s obvious that she’s not buying the reconciliation attempt. Yet you expect me to be able to make sense of this? You and Chris and Blake were all around for the main event. I’ve only been told pieces of what happened. Hell, I’d bet at this point Gracie knows more about your past than I do.”
“That was your choice,” Matthew reminded.
Even though it was the truth, his words still stung. For years, I’d operated in a state of blissful oblivion. I knew the basics, but virtually everyone around me had protected me from the full story. And the cover up had come at my own insistence. I didn’t particularly want to know, but why? As his wife, shouldn’t I be privy to the less perfect parts of him? Did I really think his time behind bars had been a walk in the park? Did I honestly expect him to be able to block out six whole months of his life and pretend that there were no lingering scars?
Sure, I ha
d convinced him of his worth as a person even before the romantic overtures had come forward. Back when I was still with Eric, I’d made Matthew my pet project. I’d been hell bent on saving him from himself, even after he’d declared himself unworthy. And no, the person sitting beside me today was nothing like he was in high school or college. He was the man I loved, through and through.
But was I the one who was afraid? Terrified that if I knew the person that he used to be, that the image would cast a shadow that I couldn’t erase? Scared that there would be a part of me that thought less of him?
“Tell me,” I demanded with more bravado than I felt. When my request was met with nothing more than a raised eyebrow, I grabbed his hand. And pleaded.
“It’s ugly,” he warned.
“I can take it. I need to know. The whole thing. The drugs, the booze, the women. Your parents. What you think Blake is trying to tell you. All of it.”
Just when I thought he wouldn’t, with a deep sigh, he tugged on my wrist and pulled me to my feet behind him. He said nothing, merely leading us down the hallway to our bedroom. He left the lights off, securing the door to the master behind us. It was late enough that Sadie had been tucked in for the night, and we’d be able to have this discussion undisturbed.
I was only briefly concerned that he didn’t wish to look me in the eyes during his confession. Reverently, delicately, he removed my clothing, leaving it to fall in puddles on the floor. Then he did the same with his own, until we were both naked and completely stripped bare. A level playing field, the symbolism staggering.
His arm wrapped about my waist as he pulled us both onto the bed. But the movement was anything but sexual. He wasn’t aroused, nor was I. He tucked me into his frame, shielding me with his body from the ill effects of the words he was about to utter as best as he could.
And then he told me. From what I gathered, the complete unabridged version of events. Things that everyone else already knew. Some that I doubted he’d shared with anyone before. Feelings and thoughts that would haunt me for the near future and maybe until the end of eternity. Things that I had imagined, confirmed. Memories that were likely better suppressed revealed. Hidden fears voiced.
Silenced Page 15