Once at the bench, I sat and looked at the river. The water was calm and the air was still—no welcoming breeze. The night was quiet, apart from the frogs. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my text messages. I hadn’t been able to delete the ones from Emery. My vision blurred as I read the last I love you text.
“Fuck,” I said, my throat closing up. I wiped at my eyes and tried to pull myself together.
Two weeks had passed since Emery had shown up at my work. Since I’d pushed him even farther away from me. I was moving into my dorm tomorrow, which excited me because it meant I was finally getting away from my mom and her loser boyfriend. It also made me nervous. I was about to start a new chapter in my life. A chapter without Emery. And I wasn’t ready to leave him behind just yet.
So, I sat on that bench and prayed for time to reverse so I could spend just one more day with him before everything had gone to shit. One more kiss. One last laugh. One more morning in bed where we’d get lost in each other.
I typed out a message to him before I could overthink it.
Me: Do you remember at War Eagle when we kissed by the river? I wish we could go back to that day.
I put the phone back in my pocket, pain spreading all throughout my chest. Ending things with Emery had been my decision, but I hadn’t seen any other choice. With Ryan being so pissed at me, it would only cause a greater divide between him and Emery. It was best if I stayed away.
If only my heart would get that memo.
When I finally went to the apartment, there was no one home. Good. I was in no mood to deal with anyone’s shit. I unlocked my bedroom door and slipped inside, closing it behind me and locking it back.
My phone vibrated as I collapsed into bed.
Liam: I knew I loved you that day.
A sob tore through my throat, and I pressed my face into my pillow.
Love fucking sucked sometimes.
***
“Nice place,” Faith said, surveying the dorm room.
“Yours looks exactly the same.”
We were living in the same building, on the same floor, but her room was on the right side in the girls’ wing. I had helped her move in earlier that day, and now she was helping me. Team work.
“Yeah, but look,” she said, walking over to the window. “You have a view of the clock tower. So not fair.”
“Hey,” a guy said from the doorway, holding a box under one arm and a duffel bag slung over the other. He was Asian, and his black hair had blue tips. “I’m Vincent. I guess we’re roommates.”
“I’m Cason. Nice to meet you.”
Faith’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head as she looked at him. “Hi! I’m Faith. Totally not his girlfriend, by the way.”
Vincent smiled at her. “Um, good to know.”
I turned away from them to unpack my laptop and smiled as they continued talking. I had a feeling Faith would be hanging around my room even more than usual. My phone rang, and I frowned at the name.
“Hey, Mom,” I answered, holding the phone between my ear and shoulder as I finished sorting the things on my desk.
“Cason, honey,” she said, before taking a drag off a cigarette and exhaling. “Did you leave any money for the rent?”
“I already paid the rent for this month.”
“What about for next month?” she asked. I heard Steve mumble something in the background, and she told him to be quiet. “You know I can’t pay it all on my own, sweetheart.”
That’s it. I can’t do this anymore.
“Mom, enough of the shit.” I went into the bathroom so I could talk in private. “I know how much money you get each month in your disability check. It’s enough to pay the rent, utilities, your car payment, and have enough for groceries. You need to stop blowing it all on your lowlife boyfriend and start acting like a damn adult instead of a reckless teenaged girl. Because I’m done.”
“What do you mean you’re done?” she asked, cutting the bullshit sweet tone. “I’m your mother and I need help.”
“Yeah, you do need help, Ma. You need to stop abusing your pain meds. And while you’re at it, you need to drop the deadweight leech that’s mooching off you. You won’t get any more money from me, so it’s time for you to grow the hell up.”
Then I hung up on her.
I had wanted to say that to her for the longest time, and now that I had, I felt lighter. She was no longer my problem.
Emery had helped me see my own worth, and I deserved more than a mother who treated me like garbage and allowed her boyfriend to do the same.
“Everything okay?” Faith asked, once I walked back into the room.
“Yep. Wanna grab lunch? I’m starving.” I looked at Vincent, who was putting his textbooks on his desk. “You can join us if you want.”
Faith grinned at me.
“Thanks,” Vincent said. “I’d like that.”
The dining hall didn’t open until Monday when classes officially started, so we walked to the campus cafeteria and grabbed burgers from the fast-food joint tucked inside. Faith and Vincent talked a lot while I sat there zoning, only occasionally chiming in to the conversation.
“Hey, is that Ryan?”
I looked up right as Ryan neared our table. He wore an Arkansas Razorbacks shirt, athletic pants, and a backward ball cap.
“Can we talk?” he asked, shoving his hands into his pockets.
“S-sure,” I said, glancing at Faith before standing from my chair. “I’ll catch up with you later.”
Faith nodded, concern shining in her eyes.
I followed Ryan out of the cafeteria and back outside. He said nothing at first. He just walked with his eyes forward. When we reached the courtyard near the clock tower, he stopped and turned to me.
“I still want to kick your ass,” he growled, pushing against my chest.
“You didn’t get it all out of your system the first time?”
“Don’t be a smartass, Cason.” Ryan exhaled, sitting on the stone bench as he did. “You have no idea how pissed off I am. You’re my best friend and I just…” He took off his hat and repositioned it. “I don’t know what to do.”
I sat beside him, but not too close. We stared at the people who passed by, some laughing and some too absorbed in their phone to see the world around them.
“I never meant to fall for Emery,” I said, resting my arms on my knees.
“How did it even happen?” Ryan sounded more curious than angry, though frustration still lingered in his tone. “Not that I want a bunch of details or anything.”
“I’ve struggled with things for about two years now,” I said, deciding the best way to tell him was to start from the beginning. “I didn’t know at the time I was gay, but I always felt different. I didn’t want any of the girls you tried throwing at me, and the ones who liked me I didn’t feel the same.”
“What about Lindsey?” he asked. “You almost fucked her at Trev’s party graduation night.”
“Only because I felt like I had to. You and the guys on the team constantly hounded me about rejecting her, so I felt like I had something to prove. She really did almost puke on me, but I would’ve stopped it even if she hadn’t. It felt wrong, Ry. Really wrong.”
“And being with my dad felt right?” he asked with a scoff.
“Yeah, it did,” I said, looking at him. Hoping he could see how serious I was. “When I realized I might be gay, I was terrified.”
“Why didn’t you talk to me about it?”
“Come on, Ry. After how angry you got when I grabbed your hand at the party, the disgust in your voice when you said people would think we were gay… I was afraid you’d get mad and not want to be my friend anymore. I didn’t want to lose you.”
“So you go to my dad instead? What kind of fucked-up shit is that?”
“I didn’t go to him. Not exactly. I joined a gay hookup app and messaged a guy on there. We agreed to meet up. When I got to the hotel, it was Emery. We were both shocked as hell.”
/> Once I started talking, I couldn’t stop. I ended up telling Ryan everything—how Emery had rejected me for weeks before finally agreeing to see me again. I told him how upset Emery and I were about keeping it from him, but we hadn’t known what else to do.
“The longer it went on, the harder it was to tell you,” I said, emotion clogging in my voice. “The lies just built on top of each other until I was buried beneath them.”
“I’m sorry,” Ryan whispered, staring at his hands. “I was an idiot for how I treated my dad. And though it still pisses me off that you guys kept it from me, I know why you did. But that doesn’t mean I forgive you.”
I nodded. “I understand.”
“I’m sorry for beating the shit out of you.”
For some reason, I laughed. “Only because I let you.”
“Whatever.” Ryan shoulder-bumped me and smiled before his face slowly went back to the serious expression he’d had moments ago. “I’ve missed you, Cas.”
“Yeah. Same.”
Ryan frowned and messed with the class ring he wore on his index finger. “Do you care about him? My dad?”
“Yeah,” I answered, my eyes prickling. I cleared my throat, trying to shove down the sorrow inching closer to the surface. “I know you don’t wanna hear it, but I love him. A lot.”
“Then why did you break up with him?” he asked. I lifted my brows at him as he looked at me, and he rolled his eyes. “Because of me, I know. Shit, man. This is like a damn soap opera.”
“Have you talked to him lately?”
Ryan shook his head. “Nah. He came to my dorm a few weeks back to talk to me, and I made him leave. I haven’t answered his calls either.”
“Please don’t stay mad at him forever,” I said. “I pushed him into this. If you’re going to hate anyone, hate me.”
“I really thought I did hate you.” Ryan tilted his head back as a summer breeze swept around us and made the branches of the tall trees in front of us sway. “But I don’t hate either of you. It’s just hard to wrap my head around.” He looked at me, the sun catching his eyes and making them appear brighter. “I’ll need some time to figure things out. I’m not ready to be your friend again, but I’m trying to get there.”
Hearing the words hurt, but they also gave me hope.
Ryan left after that, and I sat in the courtyard a while longer, enjoying the summer day. The broken fragments of my heart weren’t mended yet, but it was a little easier to breathe.
Chapter 24
Emery
The wedding was beautiful. Sunflowers were included in each flower arrangement, and fairy lights were strung around the large oak tree Becca and Bill stood under saying their vows.
“I do,” Becca said, her eyes filling with tears as she smiled at the man in front of her. Her blonde hair fell in soft waves down her back, and her lace dress was simple, yet stunning on her.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride.”
Applause rang out in the field as the guests stood from their white chairs and cheered for the newlyweds.
“Is it an open bar?” Jay asked, leaning over to whisper in my ear as he clapped.
“Yes,” I answered through my smile as Becca and Bill went back down the aisle holding hands. “You can’t go picking up guys here. So behave.”
“I always behave, darlin’.”
I had invited Jay as my date, but there was nothing more than friendship between us. Even though almost a month had passed since Cason broke up with me, my heart—and body—still belonged to him.
Becca and her husband posed for pictures, along with the rest of the wedding party, while the guests moved to the inside of the barn for the reception area. It was very country chic, simplistic but also classic.
“What was your wedding like?” Jay asked, as he grabbed us each a beer from the tin tub filled with ice.
“We married in a church and had the reception outside,” I said. “It feels like a lifetime ago. I was a different man back then.”
“I like the man you are now, Cross.” Jay took a drink and eyed a guy who walked in front of us.
“Foley,” I warned, narrowing my eyes. “That’s Becca’s cousin and he is straight. Don’t even think about it.”
“What?” he asked in mock innocence. “I wasn’t going to do anything.”
“Uh-huh.”
We found a table and sat as Becca’s mom and aunts served the food. Becca was certainly not a typical bride. She’d wanted pulled-pork sandwiches, fried chicken, and fried okra for her wedding.
“Pretty nice, yeah?” Jay asked, looking around. “Not really my style, though.”
“The country décor?”
“No, the wedding.”
“You don’t think you’ll ever get married?” I asked.
Jay shook his head. “Not in the cards for me, Cross.”
As a girl approached us and started talking to Jay—no surprise there—I grabbed my phone and went to my photos, looking at the pictures I’d taken when Cason and I went hiking. In one of them, he stood on a big rock and posed like a superhero. Another was a selfie of both of us—him making a funny face as I smiled at him.
The hole in my heart refused to sew back together. I missed him every damn day.
“Stop,” Jay said, snatching my phone away. The girl had walked off. “You look like a little lost puppy.”
“I know.” I put my face in my hands and mumbled, “I’m pathetic.”
“Which is exactly why I won’t ever fall in love.” Jay winked at a group of Becca’s friends as they walked by, and one nearly tripped. He flirted with anyone and everyone. Freaking manwhore.
“You have no control over that,” I said. “The day will come, Foley, and when it does, you’ll be a little lost puppy too.”
“We’ll see.”
When Becca and Bill entered the barn, she had changed into a casual white dress that fanned out around her knees. Instead of heels, she wore flats.
“Thank you so much for being here,” she said once seeing me.
“Congratulations.” I kissed her on the cheek. “You look stunning.” I then shook Bill’s hand and congratulated him as well.
Jay and I stayed for an hour or so after that before I was ready to go. Too much social interaction drained me. I found Becca and gave her an envelope filled with two tickets for an all-expenses paid trip to the Bahamas. I had okayed it with Bill first so I wouldn’t interfere with any other honeymoon plans they might’ve had. She was over the moon excited.
“That was nice of you,” Jay said, as we walked to his car. He had unbuttoned his suit jacket and let it hang open.
“Becca’s earned a nice trip after putting up with me for so many years.”
“Can’t argue there.” Jay unlocked the doors and got into the driver’s side. “You can be a stubborn bastard when you want to be.”
“Probably why you and I get along so well.”
He smirked.
“Thanks for coming with me,” I said once we were driving down the dirt road. The wedding was in the country about thirty minutes from town.
“No problem.” Jay rested a hand at his mouth as he drove with the other. “You’ll owe me a car wash after this, though. Dirt and shit is getting everywhere.”
“Deal.”
When we arrived at my house, he parked in the driveway. “Enjoy the rest of your night.”
“You got plans?” I asked, unbuckling my seat belt and opening the door.
“A hot date,” he answered with a smile. “He’s an acrobat. That means he’s flexible.”
“Where the hell did you meet an acrobat in Fort Smith fucking Arkansas?”
“He’s with a traveling group.” Jay shrugged. “Not from here. Meaning we can have one awesome night and I won’t have to see him again.”
I snorted a laugh. “Have fun with that.”
“Spokoynoy nochi,” he said, which I’d come to learn meant good night.
I closed the door and walk
ed up the steps to my house. Jay waited until I got inside before he backed up and drove away. I pulled at my tie as I walked to my room. It was only nine o’clock on a Saturday night, but I had no desire to go anywhere. Some crime documentaries and a beer or two sounded good enough to me.
Fortunately, I hadn’t fallen back into heavy drinking, but a beer here and there was nice. I had just showered, changed into lounge pants, and sat on the couch when my phone rang.
It was Ryan.
“Hello?” I answered, my heart beating faster.
“Hey. Are you home?”
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“Okay. I’ll be there in a few.”
It was the first time I’d spoken to him in about two weeks, and I couldn’t stop the hope from blossoming in my chest. Was he finally ready to talk to me and clear the air?
I hopped off the couch and went to my room to put on a shirt before pacing in the kitchen waiting for him to get there. Five or so minutes later, headlights shone through the front windows as a car pulled into my driveway. I went over and opened the door, seeing Ryan get out of the car.
He seemed guarded as he walked up the porch steps and didn’t say anything as I moved aside and let him into the house. I followed him into the kitchen where he opened the refrigerator and looked inside.
“Can I have a beer?”
“No,” I said. “You’re not old enough.”
“Pfft. You know I do it anyway.” Ryan flipped around and looked at me before dropping his gaze to the floor. “So, look. I know things have been tense between us. It’s not easy to think of you one way my whole life and then have that image destroyed out of the blue. Then finding out you’re banging my best friend. It’s just been…”
“Hard.”
“Yeah.” Ryan took a deep breath, moving a hand over the back of his hair. “I don’t get why you’re into Cas. Like, out of all the guys you could go after, why him?”
“I can’t explain why.” Frankly, I didn’t know the answer myself. There had just been something about Cason that had called to me. No rhyme or reason to it.
His Temptation Page 23