by Roald Dahl
'It's bound to be the Russians,' said Miss Tibbs.
'Premier Yugetoff speaking,' said the voice from Moscow. 'What's on your mind, Mr President?'
'Knock-Knock,' said the President.
'Who's there?' said the Soviet Premier.
'Warren.'
'Warren who?'
'Warren Peace by Leo Tolstoy,' said the President. 'Now see here, Yugetoff! You get those astronauts of yours off that Space Hotel of ours this instant! Otherwise, I'm afraid we're going to have to show you just where you get off, Yugetoff!'
'Those astronauts are not Russians, Mr President.'
'He's lying,' said Miss Tibbs.
'You're lying,' said the President.
'Not lying, sir,' said Premier Yugetoff. 'Have you looked closely at those astronauts in the glass box? I myself cannot see them too clearly on my TV screen, but one of them, the little one with the pointed beard and the top hat, has a distinctly Chinese look about him. In fact, he reminds me very much of my friend the Prime Minister of China...'
'Great garbage!' cried the President, slamming down the red phone and picking up a porcelain one. The porcelain phone went direct to the Head of the Chinese Republic in Peking.
'Hello hello hello!' said the President.
'Wing's Fish and Vegetable Store in Shanghai,' said a small distant voice. 'Mr Wing speaking.'
'Nanny!' cried the President, banging down the phone. 'I thought this was a direct line to the Premier!'
'It is,' said Miss Tibbs. 'Try again.'
The President picked up the receiver. 'Hello!' he yelled.
'Mr Wong speaking,' said a voice at the other end.
'Mister Who?' screamed the President.
'Mr Wong, assistant stationmaster, Chungking, and if you asking about ten o'clock tlain, ten o'clock tlain no lunning today. Boiler burst.'
The President threw the phone across the room at the Postmaster General. It hit him in the stomach. 'What's the matter with this thing?' shouted the President.
'It is very difficult to phone people in China, Mr President,' said the Postmaster General. 'The country's so full of Wings and Wongs, every time you wing you get the wong number.'
'You're not kidding,' said the President.
The Postmaster General replaced the telephone on the desk. 'Try it just once more, Mr President, please,' he said. 'I've tightened the screws underneath.'
The President again picked up the receiver.
'Gleetings, honourable Mr Plesident,' said a soft faraway voice. 'Here is Assistant-Plemier Chu-On-Dat speaking. How can I do for you?'
'Knock-Knock,' said the President.
"Who der?'
'Ginger.
'Ginger who?'
'Ginger yourself much when you fell off the Great Wall of China?' said the President. 'Okay, Chu-On-Dat. Let me speak to Premier How-Yu-Bin.'
'Much regret Plemier How-Yu-Bin not here just this second, Mr Plesident.'
'Where is he?'
'He outside mending a puncture on his bicycle.'
'Oh no he isn't,' said the President. 'You can't fool me, you crafty old mandarin! At this very minute he's boarding our magnificent Space Hotel with seven other rascals to blow it up!'
'Excuse pleese, Mr Plesident. You make big mistake...'
'No mistake!' barked the President. 'And if you don't call them off right away I'm going to tell my Chief of the Army to blow them all sky high! So chew on that, Chu-On-Dat!'
'Hooray!' said the Chief of the Army. 'Let's blow everyone up! Bang-bang! Bang-bang!'
'Silence!' barked Miss Tibbs.
'I've done it!' cried the Chief Financial Adviser. 'Look at me, everybody! I've balanced the budget!' And indeed he had. He stood proudly in the middle of the room with the enormous 200 billion dollar budget balanced beautifully on the top of his bald head. Everyone clapped. Then suddenly the voice of astronaut Shuckworth cut in urgently on the radio loudspeaker in the President's study. 'They've linked up and gone on board!' shouted Shuckworth. 'And they've taken in the bed... I mean the bomb!'
The President sucked in his breath sharply. He also sucked in a big fly that happened to be passing at the time. He choked. Miss Tibbs thumped him on the back. He swallowed the fly and felt better. But he was very angry. He seized pencil and paper and began to draw a picture. As he drew, he kept muttering, 'I won't have flies in my office! I won't put up with them!' His advisers waited eagerly. They knew that the great man was about to give the world yet another of his brilliant inventions. The last had been the Gilligrass Left-handed Corkscrew which had been hailed by left-handers across the nation as one of the greatest blessings of the century.
'There you are!' said the President, holding up the paper. 'This is the Gilligrass Patent Fly-Trap!' They all crowded round to look.
'The fly climbs up the ladder on the left,' said the President. 'He walks along the plank. He stops. He sniffs. He smells something good. He peers over the edge and sees the sugar-lump. "Ah-ha!" he cries. "Sugar!" He is just about to climb down the string to reach it when he sees the basin of water below. "Ho-ho!" he says. "It's a trap! They want me to fall in!" So he walks on, thinking what a clever fly he is. But as you see, I have left out one of the rungs in the ladder he goes down by, so he falls and breaks his neck.'
'Tremendous, Mr President!' they all exclaimed. 'Fantastic! A stroke of genius!'
'I wish to order one hundred thousand for the Army immediately,' said the Chief of the Army.
'Thank you,' said the President, making a careful note of the order.
'I repeat,' said the frantic voice of Shuckworth over the loudspeaker. 'They've gone on board and taken the bomb with them!'
'Stay well clear of them, Shuckworth,' ordered the President. 'There's no point in getting your boys blown up as well.'
And now, all over the world, the millions of watchers waited more tensely than ever in front of their television sets. The picture on their screens, in vivid colour, showed the sinister little glass box securely linked up to the underbelly of the gigantic Space Hotel. It looked like some tiny baby animal clinging to its mother. And when the camera zoomed closer, it was clear for all to see that the glass box was completely empty. All eight of the desperadoes had climbed into the Space Hotel and they had taken their bomb with them.
5
Men from Mars
There was no floating inside the Space Hotel. The gravity-making machine saw to that. So once the docking had been triumphantly achieved, Mr Wonka, Charlie, Grandpa Joe and Mr and Mrs Bucket were able to walk out of the Great Glass Elevator into the lobby of the Hotel. As for Grandpa George, Grandma Georgina and Grandma Josephine, none of them had had their feet on the ground for over twenty years and they certainly weren't going to change their habits now. So when the floating stopped, they all three plopped right back into bed again and insisted that the bed, with them in it, be pushed into the Space Hotel.
Charlie gazed around the huge lobby. On the floor there was a thick green carpet. Twenty tremendous chandeliers hung shimmering from the ceiling. The walls were covered with valuable pictures and there were big soft armchairs all over the place. At the far end of the room there were the doors of five lifts. The group stared in silence at all this luxury. Nobody dared speak. Mr Wonka had warned them that every word they uttered would be picked up by Space Control in Houston, so they had better be careful. A faint humming noise came from somewhere below the floor, but that only made the silence more spooky. Charlie took hold of Grandpa Joe's hand and held it tight. He wasn't sure he liked this very much. They had broken into the greatest machine ever built by man, the property of the United States Government, and if they were discovered and captured as they surely must be in the end, what would happen to them then? Jail for life? Yes, or something worse.
Mr Wonka was writing on a little pad. He held up the pad. It said: ANYBODY HUNGRY?
The three old ones in the bed began waving their arms and nodding and opening and shutting their mouths. Mr Wonka turned the paper ov
er. On the other side it said: THE KITCHENS OF THIS HOTEL ARE LOADED WITH LUSCIOUS FOOD, LOBSTERS, STEAKS, ICECREAM. WE SHALL HAVE A FEAST TO END ALL FEASTS.
Suddenly, a tremendous booming voice came out of a loudspeaker hidden somewhere in the room. 'ATTENTION!' boomed the voice and Charlie jumped. So did Grandpa Joe. Everybody jumped, even Mr Wonka. 'ATTENTION THE EIGHT FOREIGN ASTRONAUTS! THIS IS SPACE CONTROL IN HOUSTON, TEXAS, U.S.A.! YOU ARE TRESPASSING ON AMERICAN PROPERTY! YOU ARE ORDERED TO IDENTIFY YOURSELVES IMMEDIATELY! SPEAK NOW!'
'Ssshhh!' whispered Mr Wonka, finger to lips.
There followed a few seconds of awful silence. Nobody moved except Mr Wonka who kept saying 'Ssshhh! Ssshhh!'
'WHO... ARE... YOU?' boomed the voice from Houston, and the whole world heard it. T REPEAT... WHO... ARE... YOU?' shouted the urgent angry voice, and five hundred million people crouched in front of their television sets waiting for an answer to come from the mysterious strangers inside the Space Hotel. The television was not able to show a picture of these mysterious strangers. There was no camera in there to record the scene. Only the words came through. The TV watchers saw nothing but the outside of the giant hotel in orbit, photographed of course by Shuck-worth, Shanks and Showier who were following behind. For half a minute the world waited for a reply.
But no reply came.
'SPEAK!' boomed the voice, getting louder and louder and ending in a fearful frightening shout that rattled Charlie's eardrums. 'SPEAK! SPEAK! SPEAK!' Grandma Georgina shot under the sheet. Grandma Josephine stuck her fingers in her ears. Grandpa George buried his head in the pillow. Mr and Mrs Bucket, both petrified, were once again in each other's arms. Charlie was clutching Grandpa Joe's hand, and the two of them were staring at Mr Wonka and begging him with their eyes to do something. Mr Wonka stood very still, and although his face looked calm, you can be quite sure his clever inventive brain was spinning like a dynamo.
'THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE!' boomed the voice. 'WE ARE ASKING YOU ONCE MORE...WHO... ARE... YOU? REPLY IMMEDIATELY! IF YOU DO NOT REPLY WE SHALL BE FORCED TO REGARD YOU AS DANGEROUS ENEMIES. WE SHALL THEN PRESS THE EMERGENCY FREEZER SWITCH AND THE TEMPERATURE IN THE SPACE HOTEL WILL DROP TO MINUS ONE HUNDRED DEGREES CENTIGRADE. ALL OF YOU WILL BE INSTANTLY DEEP FROZEN. YOU HAVE FIFTEEN SECONDS TO SPEAK. AFTER THAT YOU WILL TURN INTO ICICLES... ONE... TWO... THREE...'
'Grandpa!' whispered Charlie as the counting continued, 'we must do something! We must! Quick!'
'SIX!' said the voice. 'SEVEN!... EIGHT!... NINE!...'
Mr Wonka had not moved. He was still gazing straight ahead, still quite cool, perfectly expressionless. Charlie and Grandpa Joe were staring at him in horror. Then, all at once, they saw the tiny twinkling wrinkles of a smile appear around the corners of his eyes. He sprang to life. He spun round on his toes, skipped a few paces across the floor and then, in a frenzied unearthly sort of scream he cried, 'FIMBO FEEZ!'
The loudspeaker stopped counting. There was silence. All over the world there was silence.
Charlie's eyes were riveted on Mr Wonka. He was going to speak again. He was taking a deep breath. 'BUNGO BUNH' he screamed. He put so much force into his voice that the effort lifted him right up on to the tips of his toes.
'BUNGO
BUMI DAFU DUNI
YUBEE LUNI!'
Again the silence.
The next time Mr Wonka spoke, the words came out so fast and sharp and loud they were like bullets from a machine-gun. 'ZOONKZOONK-ZOONKZOONK-ZOONK!' he barked. The noise echoed around and around the lobby of the Space Hotel. It echoed around the world.
Mr Wonka now turned and faced the far end of the lobby where the loudspeaker voice had come from. He walked a few paces forward as a man would, perhaps, who wanted a more intimate conversation with his audience. And this time, the tone was much quieter, the words came more slowly, but there was a touch of steel in every syllable: 'KIRASUKU MALIBUKU,
WEEBEE WIZE UN YUBEE KUKU!
ALIPENDA KAKAMENDA,
PANTZ FORLDUN IFNO SUSPENDA!
FUIKIKA KANDERIKA,
WEEBE STRONGA YUBEE WEEKA!
POPOKOTA BORUMOKA
VERI RISKI YU PROVOKA!
KATIKATI MOONS UN STARS
FANFANISHA VENUS MARS!'
Mr Wonka paused dramatically for a few seconds. Then he took an enormous deep breath and in a wild and fearsome voice, he yelled out: 'KITIMBIBI ZOONK!
FUMBOLEEZI ZOOJVK!
GUGUMIZA ZOOJVK!
FUMIKAKA ZOONK!
ANAPOLALA ZOONKZOONK ZOONK!'
The effect of all this on the world below was electric. In the Control Room in Houston, in the White House in Washington, in palaces and city buildings and mountain shacks from America to China to Peru, the five hundred million people who heard that wild and fearsome voice yelling out these strange and mystic words all shivered with fear before their television sets. Everybody began turning to everybody else and saying, 'Who are they? What language was that? Where do they come from?'
In the President's study in the White House, Vice-President Tibbs, the members of the Cabinet, the Chiefs of the Army and the Navy and the Air Force, the sword-swallower from Afghanistan, the Chief Financial Adviser and Mrs Taubsypuss the cat, all stood tense and rigid. They were very much afraid. But the President himself kept a cool head and a clear brain. 'Nanny!' he cried. 'Oh, Nanny, what on earth do we do now?'
'I'll get you a nice warm glass of milk,' said Miss Tibbs.
'I hate the stuff,' said the President. 'Please don't make me drink it!'
'Summon the Chief Interpreter,' said Miss Tibbs.
'Summon the Chief Interpreter!' said the President. 'Where is he?'
'Right here, Mr President,' said the Chief Interpreter.
'What language was that creature spouting up there in the Space Hotel? Be quick! Was it Eskimo?'
'Not Eskimo, Mr President.'
'Ha! Then it was Tagalog! Either Tagalog or Ugro!'
'Not Tagalog, Mr President. Not Ugro, either.'
'Was it Tulu, then? Or Tungus or Tupi?'
'Definitely not Tulu, Mr President. And I'm quite sure it wasn't Tungus or Tupi.'
'Don't stand there telling him what it wasn't, you idiot!' said Miss Tibbs. 'Tell him what it wasV
'Yes, ma'am, Miss Vice-President, ma'am,' said the Chief Interpreter, beginning to shake. 'Believe me, Mr President,' he went on, 'it was not a language I have ever heard before.'
'But I thought you knew every language in the world?'
T do, Mr President.'
'Don't lie to me, Chief Interpreter. How can you possibly know every language in the world when you don't know this one?'
'It is not a language of this world, Mr President.'
'Nonsense, man!' barked Miss Tibbs. 'I understood some of it myself!'
'These people, Miss Vice-President, ma'am, have obviously tried to learn just a few of our easier words, but the rest of it is a language that has never been heard before on this Earth!'
'Screaming scorpions!' cried the President. 'You mean to tell me they could be coming from... from... from somewhere else?'
'Precisely, Mr President.'
'Like where?' said the President.
'Who knows?' said the Chief Interpreter. 'But did you not notice, Mr President, how they used the words Venus and Mars?'
'Of course I noticed it,' said the President. 'But what's that got to do with it?... Ah-ha! I see what you're driving at! Good gracious me! Men from Mars!'
'And Venus,' said the Chief Interpreter.
'That,' said the President, 'could make for trouble.'
'I'll say it could!' said the Chief Interpreter.
'He wasn't talking to you,' said Miss Tibbs.
'What do we do now, General?' said the President.
'Blow 'em up!' cried the General.
'You're always wanting to blow things up,' said the President crossly. 'Can't you think of something else?'
'I like blowing things up,' said the General. 'It makes such a lovely no
ise. Woomph-woomph!'
'Don't be a fool!' said Miss Tibbs. 'If you blow these people up, Mars will declare war on us! So will Venus!'
'Quite right, Nanny,' said the President. 'We'd be troculated like turkeys, every one of us! We'd be mashed like potatoes!'
'I'll take 'em on!' shouted the Chief of the Army.
'Shut up!' snapped Miss Tibbs. 'You're fired!'
'Hooray!' said all the other generals. 'Well done, Miss Vice-President, ma'am!'
Miss Tibbs said, 'We've got to treat these fellows gently. The one who spoke just now sounded extremely cross. We've got to be polite to them, butter them up, make them happy. The last thing we want is to be invaded by men from Mars! You've got to talk to them, Mr President. Tell Houston we want another direct radio link with the Space Hotel. And hurry!'
6
Invitation to the White House
'The President of the United States will now address you!' announced the loudspeaker voice in the lobby of the Space Hotel.
Grandma Georgina's head peeped cautiously out from under the sheets. Grandma Josephine took her fingers out of her ears and Grandpa George lifted his face out of the pillow.
'You mean he's actually going to speak to us?' whispered Charlie.
'Ssshhh!' said Mr Wonka. 'Listen!'
'Dear friends!' said the well-known Presidential voice over the loudspeaker. 'Dear, dear friends! Welcome to Space Hotel "U.S.A." Greetings to the brave astronauts from Mars and Venus...'
'Mars and Venus!' whispered Charlie. 'You mean he thinks we're from...'
'Ssshh-ssshh-ssshh!' said Mr Wonka. He was doubled up with silent laughter, shaking all over and hopping from one foot to the other.
'You have come a long way,' the President continued, 'so why don't you come just a tiny bit farther and pay us a visit down here on our humble little Earth? I invite all eight of you to stay with me here in Washington as my honoured guests. You could land that wonderful glass air-machine of yours on the lawn in back of the White House. We shall have the red carpet out and ready. I do hope you know enough of our language to understand me. I shall wait most anxiously for your reply...'
There was a click and the President went off the air.