‘No. I mean, what if I wasn’t around anymore, you know, like I died. I wouldn’t want you to live the rest of your life alone. What if you wanted more kids with … her. The Next Woman.’
Andy was on the verge of falling asleep, his head nodding every few moments while he struggled to remain upright, ‘Whoa. Hold your horses, Nellie. What’s this about another woman? Who is she? Where’d she come from? Am I missing something? ... You want a threesome?’
Sara made a frustrated sound, ‘No, Andy. You’re more than enough man for me. But what if I wasn’t here? Would you find someone else, and what if she wanted children and you couldn’t give her children because I was so selfish and wanted you to have a vasectomy when you really didn’t want to have a vasectomy.’
Andy frowned at her, ‘Sara, you’re not making annnyyy sense. Now are we going to do this thing or not, because I think I need a little help to get out of the car.’ He fumbled with the handle and managed to open the door.
Sara ran to his side and scooped him off the ground, settling him against the door using the weight of her body. Andy slipped his arms around her waist, pressing her against him. He leaned forward, pursing his lips, ‘We’re kid free, Sara. How about it?’
‘We’re in a public car park and we’d be arrested.’
‘It’d only be quick.’
Truth was, it was only ever quick now that they had kids. An image of past night-long lovemaking flittered wistfully through her mind. Too bad those nights were only a memory. It’d be nice to have that again. Just every-so-often.
The feeling of Andy’s hard body resting against her now much softer body almost had her bundling him back into the car and taking off to a secluded location while they had babysitters, but a nurse bustled out of the smooth, glass doors of the surgery and came straight towards them, ‘Looks like you need some help, dear. We see a lot of men coming in like this, so we always keep an eye out in the car park. We often have to help those out after the procedure as well.’ She gave Sara a quick wink and leveraged her shoulder beneath Andy’s arm while Sara took the other side.
‘Two women! Take me away ladies.’ Andy grinned.
‘Where we’re going, you won’t need ladies! Not for a week or so anyway. Sorry, that’s my geeky, sci-fi mind getting the best of me, you know, Back to the Future,’ the nurse grinned at Sara. ‘Don’t look so worried, I see this all the time. The worst thing about getting a vasectomy is the lead up. I swear men really overthink what is really quite a simple procedure.’
‘He’s had nightmares,’ Sara confided.
‘You’re not doing this with a pair of those scissors, are you?’ Andy looked wildly about.
‘We don’t use scissors, young man.’
They eased Andy into a chair in the waiting room. He grabbed the nurse’s hand, ‘They don’t often miss … do they?’
The nurse chuckled, ‘We don’t miss at all.’
Andy relaxed back into the chair, ‘Oh, good. I was a bit worried there for a moment.’ He grabbed the nurse’s hand again, ‘Will it hurt? You know, down there … it’s sensitive.’
‘We use a local anesthetic. A lot of local anesthetic. You won’t feel a thing.’
Andy still clasped the nurse’s hand, ‘Will I be able to have normal sex again? I mean, what if it doesn’t work? I mean, I’m being neutered, surely it won’t be the same again.’
The nurse frowned and glanced between Sara and Andy, ‘Have you spoken to your doctor about these issues? You really should be here when you’re rock solid this is the right thing to do.’
Sara nodded, ‘We’ve done all the research and we’re sure. Totally. Completely, one hundred percent sure.’
The frown disappeared, ‘Well, last minute nerves then. All you men go through it.’
A door opened and an ashen-faced patient limped into the waiting area. He looked around the surgery until his gaze fell to Andy and he grimaced, ‘Hey, good luck, man.’
Sara heard Andy gulp. The nurse patted Andy’s shoulder, ‘You stay here, young man, and I’ll ask your wife to fill out some paperwork. Just relax and we’ll be with you in a few moments.’
Sara followed the nurse to the desk. A woman with a very pregnant belly met the limping patient. She patted the man’s hand, offering him a kiss on his cheek. As they left, she maneuvered a double pusher with two-year old sleeping twins inside. The question about the whys and wherefores of their family planning was clearly obvious.
As Sara filled out the paperwork, she glanced at Andy. His gaze was trained on the closed door the patient had previously come out of. His hand were steepled over his groin, as though saying good-bye for the last time. One leg jerked up and down in jittery staccato movements, the way it always did when he was apprehensive. The last time he looked like that was when they were auctioning for their current house and they had a few hundred thousand dollars on the line. In the scale of things, Sara guessed this was a pretty close race.
‘Your doctor gave you a prescription for painkillers and antibiotics?’ The nurse inquired.
Sara nodded, ‘I had them all filled before we came here. Just in case.’
‘Good idea. Saves you a chemist run at midnight.’
Sara bit her lip for a moment, her gaze seeking the nurse’s, ‘Is it really that painful for them?’
She patted her hand, ‘To tell you the truth, he will be uncomfortable for a few days. Keep up the cold pack and the painkillers and he’ll be just fine. The biggest thing to watch out for is the low threshold on the man-pain-o-meter. They tend to milk it for as long as they can, you know what I mean.’
She bustled out from behind the reception desk, ‘Okay, we all ready?’
Andy’s face fell. He stood heavily, his feet seemingly stuck to the floor. Sara wrapped his arms around his neck, giving him a peck on his mouth, ‘You’ll be fine. I’ll just be out here waiting for you.’
‘Okay.’ He sounded like a lost child. Sara’s heart-rate ratcheted up.
The nurse smiled kindly at him, ‘Okay, Mr Smith. Just this way.’
Andy followed her, ‘You know, you’re the first woman since Sara to see my package.’
‘Oh, is that so?’ The nurse opened the door, winking at Sara.
‘You know, it’s a bit cold in here. Do you think that’ll be okay? You know, it might affect my size.’
The door stared closing, ‘We’ll take that into consideration.’
The door clocked shut and Sara was left standing in the waiting room. She glanced around at the few people scattered on the chairs. There was a couple and the woman was reading a pregnancy magazine, a look of longing on her face.
There was another couple, the woman had her hand protectively on her rounded stomach, the other hand clenched in her partner’s hand. She looked to be about eight months pregnant, and nervous enough for Sara to assume it was her first baby.
She remembered being in both women’s shoes. The fierce longing to have a baby, the desperation to become pregnant, the heady anticipation of the end of the final trimester when it all becomes real.
Only she knew what the other women were yet to experience. The gush of excitement, adoration, the complete and utter ‘overwhelmingness’ of having your baby placed into your arms for the very first time. The knowing that both of her babies were the most beautiful things she had ever seen and ever would see in her life. The checking of fingers and toes, the feel of skin and hair so soft that she could barely feel it. The way her eyes had been glued to their precious little faces, marveling at each blink, each yawn as though it was the first time any human being had ever done anything like that in the history of people.
The way Andy’s hands had shaken so badly and he couldn’t quite work out how to hold their adorable floppy bodies. How tiny they’d looked, cuddled so protectively in his muscled, strong arms. The way he’d looked at her after he’d had his first moments holding his child, tears running freely down his cheeks. His mouth had opened, closed again, then he just shook his head and kis
sed Ellie on her forehead. He’d done exactly the same thing when Jacob was born.
He was the perfect dad. Sara knew their children were the most precious things to him, and he’d treated both their children with wonderment and reverence. That special look that flittered over his face, just for that first second, when he came home from work. As though he’d stepped into a special form of Heaven and they were his treat at the end of the day.
He’d scoop Ellie up from whatever she was doing, throw her into his arms, tickle her and kiss her all over her face, then he’d cradle Jacob, ignorant of drool or vomit or any sort of smell he was emitting at the time. Then, last of all, he’d come over to her with love, acknowledgement and gratitude that she was simply here. No matter how she looked, or how tired she felt, or whatever disheveled state the house was in, he never saw that. He only saw her, and in that moment she’d be transported to the very first time they met and the instant knowledge that there was something extraordinary between them.
And the extraordinary thing was having their very own family. A family that she was at this very point in time taking away from him. His manhood was literally in her hands.
Sara burst through the door. Three faces turned to her as one. The nurse held Andy’s hand. The doctor was poised over Andy’s nether-regions that were framed by a square hole in a blue sheet, scalpel in hand.
‘Stop!’ she screamed.
‘Hey, Sar, waddaya doin’ here?’ Andy waved at her and pointed at his parts. ‘Hey, they had to shave me. Down there. Closest shave I’ve ever had, know what I mean?’
‘It may be the second closest once you hear what I have to say,’ Sara said as she moved to Andy’s side, careful not to ogle the jewels framed on glorious display.
‘I told the doc to make sure and do a good job. I have super-sperm, you know. Strong enough to reverse any vasectomy.’
‘Is that so?’ Sara looked at Dr Breaduke and the nurse, ‘I know this is highly unusual, but can I have a moment with my husband?’
Andy indicated his regions, ‘Not sure if I can perform like this, Sar. It’s not what I’d call a romantic setting.’
Sara slapped him on his shoulder, ‘That’s not what I’m here for.’
‘We normally don’t see wives stopping this procedure, but we’ll give you a few moments, Sara.’ Dr Breaduke and the nurse quietly left the room.
Sara turned to Andy, taking a deep breath. Despite the drug-glaze, she saw the question in his eyes. And the blind faith that he was doing the right thing even when she didn’t know what the right thing was at all.
‘Andy … I … Are you doing this because of me?’
Andy frowned, ‘Of course I’m doing this because of you. There’s no other women I’d be doing this for.’
Tears shimmered in her eyes and she had to take a moment before saying, ‘What I mean is … what if I’m not around anymore. And you meet someone else. And they want children. And you can’t do that anymore because of what you’re about to do today. I don’t want to take that away from you.’
Andy took Sara’s hand and kissed her knuckles, ‘Sara. Do you want to have any more children?’
She shook her head, ‘Ellie and Jacob are enough for me.’
‘Then that’s all I need to know. I don’t plan for anything to happen to you, or me, or that if anything does happen to you that I’ll want to find someone else. You’re making plans on clouds, Sara. On what might be. Let’s just plan on what is. I can deal with that.
‘Ellie and Jacob are more than I could have ever asked from you. I watched your pregnant belly get bigger, saw the stress on your body. Saw you give birth.’
He took a deep breath. They both did. ‘Now it’s my turn. We have our little family. You. Me. Ellie. Jacob. The four of us. That’s more than I could have ever hoped.
‘Don’t worry about how many children other people want. What could or might not even happen. I’m doing this because of our family. And I don’t plan to be without you. You’re stuck with me.’
Tears free-fell down Sara’s cheeks, ‘Only if you’re sure.’
‘One thing I’m sure about is that I love you and this is one of those things that people in love do for each other. I want you. I want Jacob. I want Ellie. Let’s get this done and look forward to our future. And lots and lots of carefree sex.’
Sara snorted and laughed at the same time, ‘You’re just doing this for the sex, aren’t you.’
‘Doc says I have to erupt at least twenty times. I’m counting on your help.’
She slapped his shoulder, ‘Only twenty?’
‘Maybe even more. I hear the shooting blanks certificate is notoriously hard to get.’
The doc clicked open and Dr Breaduke peeked in, ‘If we don’t get started now, the local anesthetic is going to wear off… Are we going to be doing the procedure today?’
Sara gestured to Andy’s display, ‘He’s all yours, doc.’
She took Andy’s hand, ‘Want me to stay with you?’
‘Only if you tell me all the ways we’re going to work off the twenty.’
Sara settled into a chair next to him, turning her back on the doctor and nurse as they stepped either side of Andy’s mid-section. Some things were best not seen, ‘Well, first I thought I’d get a checkboard and stars and each time there’s an… explosion… we’ll put a star up. Our own personal countdown.’
* * *
‘Don’t worry. I don’t feel a thing!’ Andy positioned the cold pack under his pants. ‘And look how big my package looks! Mr Blake is going to be so impressed.’
A nervous tick had begun to flicker at Sara’s temple. ‘This isn’t about the size of your package, Andy. It’s about the size of your ideas, remember?’
‘This is a guy thing Sara, you wouldn’t understand, and Mr Blake is still a guy, even if he does hold our future in his hands. Hey, maybe it’ll help!’
‘Maybe,’ Sara grimaced, ‘Is there any other way you can meet him later?’
‘He’s the top honcho. He makes you wait. Not the other way round. When he says he has two hours, you go where he is. I got the doc to inject extra local into the area.’
‘You’re still high on Vicodin.’
‘My brain is strong.’
Sara pulled into the airport carpark and drove up a few levels before pulling into a clear space and turned to Andy. ‘I just want you to do well, Andy. This will be hard, even if you were feeling one hundred percent and you’ve just come from a major surgical procedure.’
Andy pecked a kiss on her lips, ‘Lucky you’re married to Superman.’
‘Superman. Supersperm. Where will it stop?’ Sara muttered as she helped Andy from the car. They made their way to the airport lounge, Andy wobbling as though he couldn’t feel his legs. She’d seen the amount of anesthetic Dr Breaduke injected into his groin. He probably couldn’t feel anything from the waist down. It was amazing he had control of his legs at all.
They wandered into the airport and made their way to the Qantas lounge. When the doors closed behind Sara, the noise of the airport disappeared to be replaced with muted music and the heady feeling of exclusive luxury. Here, they were not a part of the masses. Here they were the elite. There was a part of her that liked it. Just a little bit.
Andy confirmed their names to the women manning the front desk and hobbled into the lounge. ‘Lean on me. You look like you’re going to fall on your arse,’ Sara whispered.
‘Not in front of the bosssss, Sar!’
Sara rolled her eyes and muttered, ‘And falling on your face is okay in front of the boss?’ However she kept her lips pressed together and let her husband lead her to a man face deep in a laptop in a far corner of the lounge.
Andy’s leg flopped out from beneath him and he lurched into a chair. He grabbed the arm with nerveless fingers. It tilted precariously, as though deciding if it wanted to crumple to the floor or be set upright. Sara jumped in front of Andy and righted the chair, pushing it back into place. Several glances shot thei
r way.
Unfortunately, the man Andy was walking towards also saw them, recognition and disbelief washed across his features. She linked her arm with Andy’s helping him maneuver through the furniture.
She wouldn’t have picked him the as the All-Powerful-Wizard-Of-Oz Andy made him out to be. He had thinning grey hair, a paunch, a wrinkled shirt and a slightly exhausted air. She felt kind of sorry for him. He looked as though he’d been travelling non-stop.
As they approached, she noted clear, intelligent eyes that assessed Andy from his over-sized groin to his face. His lids flickered, his features deadpanned and he held a short breath before blowing it out. ‘Glad you could make it, Andy. Sit.’ He gestured to a chair opposite.
‘I’d like you to meet my wife. She’s called Sara-lara.’ Andy gestured to Sara and she took the hand offered to her.
‘Um… just Sara is fine, Mr Blake.’
Mr Blake turned quizzical eyes to Andy, ‘Nice to meet you, Sara. It’s not often I see the spouses of my employees.’
‘Nice to meet you, too, Mr Blake. I think you need to know we’ve just come from…’ Sara caught the stricken glance Andy sent her. She cleared her throat, ‘… I was shopping and the other car is at the mechanic. So here I am,’ she finished lamely. Andy’s relief was palpable. She pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head.
How was it that if they could men would talk about their manhoods at any chance, but when the time came that it really had to be spoken about, they clammed right up?
‘Ahhh,’ Mr Blake nodded to himself as he regarded Sara. She felt a frown on her forehead. There was something in the way he looked at her that pushed her not-quite-right button.
She helped Andy to sit in the lounge. He oozed into the seat, fingers white on the armrests as he settled, before his breath whooshed out in a long groan. She hoped the anesthetic wasn’t wearing off. The Vicodin sure wasn’t. He’d taken too many for that to happen. She sat next to Andy, facing his boss.
Getting the Snip Page 3