by Kathryn Moon
“Every time you say no, I wonder if you’re less worried about me being certain than you are on whether or not you want me!” I shouted. I’d forgotten the room we were in, and the words carried on long after they escaped my lips.
I’d spoken the thought before even realizing that was how I felt, but it was true and it made my heart feel stiff and brittle in my chest.
“No,” Jonah said firmly, stepping to me even as I stepped back. “No, Baby. I promise it isn’t that.” He caught my hand, reeling me back in and cupping my face, forehead folding with his frown. “I just know how hard our life is on an omega.”
As much as his refusal to believe I was ready to be bonded felt like swallowing rocks, the aching torn expression on his face was worse, eyes downcast and mouth a hard slash of hurt across his face. He was thinking of his mother, his father’s pack, and her refusing to be bonded before finally taking off and leaving him behind.
I sighed and leaned in, pressed my face against his, and swallowed deep lungfuls of his scent. “Jonah, I am not waiting for something better. There is nothing better for me than this pack. I—“
Shit. I swallowed hard on the word. It needed to be said and he needed to hear it, but I still childishly wished not to be the one diving first.
“I’m falling in love with you, Jonah, and as aggravating as your refusal to just bite me is,” I said, a faint glow of happiness bubbling in my chest at his brief growl, “I know that it’s part of why I trust you so much. But I need you to trust me that I’m taking this seriously, and I mean it when I say I want you to bond me. I’m not asking you to be anything other than the pack you are. The pack I want. I’m promising you that I’m staying.”
We were both breathing heavily as if the argument cost us physically. Jonah’s scent was heavier with cinnamon, cutting through his usual sweetness. I wanted to climb my way back up into his arms, but first I wanted to know that he was listening.
“It’s not refusal,” he said, leaning back so we could see each other. I relaxed slightly until he continued, “It’s just delay, baby girl.”
I growled, and Jonah’s eyebrows ticked up. “Why?”
“Because I need to know that the Hangmen are going to back off and let us get back to peace, so our lives aren’t thrown into a war. And because I’ve gotta get back to the bar tomorrow, and I don’t want to have that moment with you and then turn around and leave,” he said.
My heart sank in my chest. All the magic of the morning, of the heat in the nest, seemed to be dulling and tarnishing the longer we ran this conversation in circles.
“You’re going to have just as many reasons the next time you’re up here,” I said, folding my arms over my chest.
“Baby girl, please,” Jonah whispered, words heavy with grief. I almost apologized and softened until he added, “Nothing’s gonna hurt if we wait a little longer so you’re sure.”
I caught my breath and swallowed my whimper, turning to stare out at the room. My feelings were hurt, and it was all tangled up in the anger of being dismissed. And I wasn’t sure which of us was being unreasonable. Probably both of us. If Jonah needed more time to trust that I wasn’t his mother and I wasn’t abandoning the pack ,and my obvious answer of a bond wasn’t enough, then I would only be able to give him that time.
“Baby,” he said.
“Let’s get ready for the Center’s visit,” I answered, rounding his side and heading for the door.
“Baby, wait.”
I took a deep breath and faced him, trying not to show the turmoil running through me. “I will wait,” I said, and Jonah’s mouth fell open. “I will wait for you to feel as sure of me as I am of this pack.”
He called my name again, but I was on my way into the hall, trying to stuff tears back into my eye sockets rather than let him see. Instead, I ran bodily into Ryan. His gaze was focused over my shoulder, my breath hiccuping in my chest as we collided. I swallowed the sob hanging in my throat, and Ryan took my hand without another glance. He pulled me down the hall and then into a small study overlooking sleeping rose bushes waiting for spring.
He shut the door behind us and then pressed me to the surface, blocking the room out and covering me completely, just like he had on the couch in his office. I sighed and let my forehead hit his chest.
“Everyone heard?” I asked.
“Just Tornado and I,” Ryan said, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. “The others are upstairs.”
I nodded and shuddered as Ryan ran his hands down my arms. “He speaks for the club, not the pack, okay, sweetness?”
I swallowed and let the words run through me. “Okay.”
I didn’t want to go behind Jonah’s back, but Ryan was right. The pack had courted me. Member after member said I belonged with them, even ones I wasn’t planning on bonding. Brody had claimed me in front of Buzzard and Indy. Just because Jonah said he wouldn’t bite me yet, didn’t mean the others had to wait in line.
“Anyway, we both know Jonah’s sick in love with you,” Ryan murmured. My smile was weak against his chest until he added, “We all are.” I stiffened and then tilted my head back to look up at him, my eyes wide. “I am,” he said, paler than usual and eyes wide with nerves.
I surged up to my toes and Ryan’s lips were waiting, sucking at mine, his purr ringing in his chest as he pressed me to the door. Ryan’s confession didn’t replace the ache of my fight with Jonah with joy. They occupied equally full but separate places in my heart. Still, it was a better feeling and I leaned into it, enjoying the sweetness of his words and the hunger of his kisses.
“I love you too,” I said when I pulled away to breathe. “And I…” I hesitated, wondering if I could really accept Ryan’s bite when Jonah’s still felt distant and up in the air.
Ryan purred again, nipping my bottom lip and then nuzzling my cheek. “And you’ll deal with the Center’s check-up first. Enjoy what time you can with Scorch and Bomber before they hit the road. We’ll figure things out in our own time,” he said, eyebrows lifting.
I sighed and nodded. “Thanks.”
He kissed me again. “Thank you for choosing us. Choosing me.”
The car sliding up the drive was a glossy, low, vintage work of art, and I could sense my alphas appreciation for the engineering radiating behind me as it pulled up to the front step of Bullet’s mansion. I tried to hold my usual fidgets in, leaning into Ryan’s side for support. It was a given that the Center would be satisfied with my pack now that we had this place to go to for my heats. I just needed to keep my recent stress from the conversation with Jonah under control. Except, I could feel him radiating that same stress at my back, his hard and worried study of me like a hand on my back trying to force me to face him.
It would have to wait.
The vehicle parked, dark windows reflecting our cluster back at us. The driver stepped out first, a tall and elegant older man with gray hair swept back like a vintage movie star. His stare was focused directly at my pack, eyes unwavering, and I was surprised to think he might be an alpha. Or I was until he rounded the car and helped the passenger out.
“Rebecca!” My eyebrows shot up with my surprise.
The stylish, older omega who had sat with me in a sterile sitting room at the Center and given me explicit details of knotting, was standing in front of me. I’d expected Tapp or Yvonne again, not her, although I found my smile stretching as she approached. I hadn’t seen her since that one meeting, and it felt like a lifetime ago.
“Baby,” she said with a dip of her head. “I hope you don’t mind, I brought my bondmate, Connor.”
“Of course not! I just wasn’t expecting you.”
She nodded as they approached. “We’re much closer than the Center and anyway, I’ve been wanting to check in with you again. They told me about the…rush of your choice.”
I grimaced at the word ‘rush’ and took a breath. “It wasn’t the conventional order, I know. But I made the right choice. This is Pack Howler.”
; “It’s not our usual place, but we did what we could to make it comfortable,” Bullet joked, stepping back and holding his hand out to usher the pair in.
I stepped inside, and behind me I heard Connor say, “This used to be the Hunter family estate, I believe.”
“Still is,” Bullet said. “I’m just the last in the line.”
“Ah. I remember hearing that your designation was a surprise to your grandparents. I worked with Daniel, so…”
I took Bullet’s hand and squeezed as we filed inside, and he pulled in a deep breath. “Yeah. My parents’ packmate. I think I was a surprise to everybody in the family.” He shrugged as Rebecca and Connor took in the entrance hall. “I’m glad to have the place for Baby, though.”
“What brought you up here?” Rebecca asked.
I spoke before Jonah could mention the Hangmen. “My heat. The rest of the pack is still in the city taking care of the businesses, so we came up here for the…privacy, I suppose.”
“That’s a lovely compromise,” Rebecca said. I held my breath in the pause as she turned to her alpha. “I wonder if you gentlemen would mind very much if Baby and I had the interview alone?”
Connor nodded and I stepped away from my pack, crossing to Rebecca and offering a smile over my shoulder. “Show Connor around and I’ll take Rebecca up to the nest, ‘kay?”
Jonah’s stare was heavy on my face, but I avoided answering his look. Even the others seemed nervous, hands fidgeting through hair and tugging at their t-shirts. I wished I could share my own reassurance with them. Bullet at least was managing to be cheerful.
“‘Course. You don’t need us breathing down your neck. Come on, I’ll show you guys some of the funny old passageways I used as a kid.”
Rebecca linked her arm with mine, eyes warm with kindness as I led her to the stairs.
“This is not what I was expecting when Yvonne called,” Rebecca murmured.
I laughed and nodded. “It’s not what I was expecting when Bull- Quincy offered the place.”
Her lips twitched as I almost slipped on Bullet’s name. “And how is motorcycle club life in the city by comparison?”
I grinned. “I really do love it. The pack, the club, they’re all wonderful. And I’ve always been a city girl. As pretty as it is here, I’m already wondering what to do with myself.”
“Now that your heat is passing,” she said as we strolled down the hall of weird family portraits.
“Yeahhhh, that did keep me busy,” I said, and grinned as Rebecca snorted. “Were you really trying to check up on me?”
Rebecca hummed as I opened the door on the narrow set of stairs up to the nest. “I was. I… you got me thinking about choosing packs and I— I worried that hearing my own choices might influence your own, and I— oh!”
We’d made it up the first flight and I’d just opened the door to the nest. Rebecca froze, eyes wide and cheeks flushing. She cleared her throat and turned to me.
“I, um, we did try to clean it up some,” I said, my own blush rising.
A high, feminine giggle escaped Rebecca’s unflappable omega lips, and she turned away from the door. “It’s fine. You’ve answered any concerns I might’ve had. You’re happy, aren’t you? This is the pack you wanted most?”
“Yes!” I nodded quickly as my heart raced in my chest, emotions barreling through me. The joy of feeling at home with my pack, the frustration of Jonah not ready to believe me, the relief of speaking with Ryan. I blinked through tears and nodded again. “They are. There wasn’t anyone else it could’ve been, and I—“
Rebecca’s arms wrapped around me, pulling me to her chest. “I understand.”
She didn’t. Not the part about Jonah at least.
“I don’t regret my own choice. I do love my pack. I’m just happy for you. Now, close that door. I haven’t felt this stirred up in years. Connor’s going to be so jealous,” she said, laughing. She was perfuming, although only faintly, and it was a rich and spicy scent.
I shut the door and swiped at my cheeks. Rebecca frowned and tilted her head, studying me closely. “I feel as though I’m missing something,” she said. “If there’s anything wrong, don’t be afraid to tell me. I’m not here just for the Center, I’m here for you.”
“Not wrong,” I said in a hurry, waving my hand over my face “I just… when did you bond? How did you decide?”
“Are you feeling any pressure?” she asked, voice hardening.
“None! Honestly. I am feeling a distinct lack of pressure.”
Her frown cleared, and she sighed. “Ah. Well, I was hesitant. And my pack was too. I was upfront about my feelings and my attempt to bond with another pack. I think we all worried I’d change my mind again. But I didn’t and eventually… I was a part of the pack, bonded or not. I only took bites from two of my pack members and it happened naturally. There’s always time when you’re sure you’re in the right place.”
She smiled at me and shrugged softly. The words sank in slowly, and with them came a slow melting stillness, washing out the last quavering worry from my argument with Jonah. I had made up my mind. If the only concern I had was wanting the bond, then the only answer was to wait for Jonah to be ready to offer his bite. I believed him when he said he wanted me as his omega, and if he needed time to believe I wouldn’t leave, then the proof was easily managed. I would wait.
“I’m glad it was you that came,” I said.
“I am too,” Rebecca said. “I’ll assure the Center you’re in the best possible hands.”
33
Baby
“Are you sure you’re okay to drive all night?” I asked Seth.
He and Jonah were standing next to Bullet’s truck, their bags thrown into the backseat. A late cold snap meant they wouldn’t be able to ride motorcycles through the night, and the truck would attract less notice if the Hangmen were looking for us.
My beta pulled me into his chest for a hug, lips on my forehead and hands rubbing the goosebumps off my arms. The sun was setting in shades of pink and purple through the bare winter trees beyond the drive, and the truck was rumbling as it warmed.
“We’ll take turns. Don’t worry. We’ll text when we get back to the club, okay? Just get your rest.”
I tipped my head back, and Seth smiled before leaning in for a soft, savoring kiss.
“See you at the end of the week,” I said, trying not to whine and turn it into a question.
“Make sure you’re not too worn out for a warm welcome back.” He offered me a wicked grin, pressed another kiss to my forehead and then headed for the driver’s seat, leaving me with our alpha.
“Baby girl,” Jonah murmured, the endearment uncertain.
I sighed and then pushed myself into Jonah’s arms. He shook against me, folding himself around me, face buried in my hair and arms encompassing me.
“You’re gonna be a part of this pack,” Jonah said, words weak.
“I know I am.”
“I will bond you,” he said.
“I know that too,” I said. I opened my mouth to add more. That I was waiting for him to know that as strongly as I did. But I didn’t want to start the whole thing over again. “I’ll miss you. Thanks for staying through the heat.”
Jonah growled and squeezed me tighter. The hug was equal parts worry and comfort for us both, and I turned my face into his neck, kissing skin until he purred and softened.
“I love you, baby girl,” he said. I started to answer him but Jonah turned his head, lips slanting across mine, tongue delving in and purr rumbling through me.
I loved him too, stupid asshat. I squeezed the words out as he let me up for air, and accepted the second long, powerful hug, clinging to him just as fiercely.
“Coal will be here late tomorrow,” Jonah said.
Fuck. Cole. I almost told Jonah to have the other alpha stay home. I realized now I didn’t miss him, and that was a clear enough signal that he was not going to be one of my bondmates.
“And we’ll keep you
all posted on the Hangmen. Gonna try and talk some sense into the club, even if I have to go to the other officials so they can make Buzz see reason. You’ll be home soon.”
The Cole conversation would wait. I’d have the rest of my alphas with me anyway. I nodded, stole a final bruising kiss, and then stepped out of his hold. “Send my love to the pack.”
Jonah’s face lit up, his smile finally shining through the stormy expression he’d been wearing all afternoon. “You got it.”
I stepped back and watched Jonah hop into the truck, Books and Tornado pulling me into their warmth.
“It won’t be so long without them,” Tornado said as the truck lurched forward and then lumbered its way down the long drive to the mountain road.
I smiled at him and nodded. “I know.”
“We just gotta put up with Coal till they get back,” Bullet muttered.
Ryan growled softly, and the others looked at him with raised eyebrows. When the tail lights on the truck finally disappeared, I turned and led us inside.
“I could use a massive cuddle. Today’s been long enough,” I said.
I fell asleep on the couch in a softer and more casual den in the right-wing. There was a massive screen across from a deep couch, and my pack and I filled it up to watch movies together. When I woke again, it was to find Ryan laying me down on a mattress in an unfamiliar bedroom that smelled of ginger and rainfall in the woods.
“So this is where you’ve been hiding,” I murmured.
Ryan paused, braced on his palms above me. Then he reached past my head and turned a lamp on. I winced at the sudden glare.
“Sorry, just wanted to see you.”
“It’s fine.” I shimmied up in the bed and looked around the room. It was paneled entirely in wood, and the four poster bed I was on was big enough for three or four. It was missing any personality as far as I could see, empty places left on the dresser and fireplace mantle as if whoever it had once belonged to had long since packed themselves away.
“How are you feeling?” Ryan asked, standing and stripping his t-shirt off over his head, throwing it carelessly onto a chair in the corner.