by Van Barrett
Lane waited a little tensely for more information.
“Fine,” I grunted in surrender. “Dad, I guess, had dreams of being an NHL star.”
Lane snickered gently. “Like father like son, I guess.”
“Not exactly. He could barely hack it in Junior B. Part of his problem was that he drank so goddamn hard every single night, he was constantly nursing a hangover.” I rolled my eyes. “Anyway. I never saw him work a day in his life, let alone play a game of hockey.”
“Jesus.”
“Yeah. Mom, though, she worked long hours in a fucking factory to support the family. Until she couldn't take it anymore. She threw him out when I was 6 because she didn't want me to 'learn' about being a man from him. I guess she saw him offer me a sip of his beer one night, and that triggered it.”
“Whoa.” Lane gulped.
“Yup. She raised me all by herself, dude. She's amazing. And that's why she wanted me to get that degree: she didn't want me to end up a bitter drunk like my dad if I didn't make the pros. And she didn't want me to have to work in a factory like she did.”
Lane didn't say a word, but he didn't have to; his eyes said plenty.
“And, that's also why I don't drink. I'm scared of ending up like him. Ha?” I raised my palms. “What can ya do.”
“Aw.” Lane gave me a sympathetic pout. “River. Damn, man. I had no idea.”
“Yeah. Heavy shit. Sorry to bring you down.”
“No, no – I asked. I'm just so … sorry.”
“It's okay, dude.” I patted him on the back.
We walked in silence a ways further. I almost kicked myself for telling him all that stuff and ruining the mood. I wanted this to be fun, not be somber, or whatever this weird feeling between us was.
***
After we'd walked a bit more, I felt the strangeness start to dissipate.
“Hey. Let's talk about something else. Ask me another question,” I encouraged him.
“Okay.” He thought about it until he got a wicked smile.
Uh oh, I thought.
“… What was the real reason you and Cass split up?”
I chuckled. “Why? Why do you wanna know that?”
“I'm just curious. Come on! After what I just admitted to you, this should be a cake-walk, River.”
“Alright, alright – just don't judge me.”
“I won't. Wait--” Lane's eyes grew wild. “You cheated on her, didn't you?”
So much for not judging me!
I looked at him and nodded dourly. “Yes. More than once.”
Lane looked so disappointed in me. He shook his head and turned away from me and made this guttural noise in his throat – like mm-nnuh.
“Haha!” With a great laugh, I slapped my chest, and then Lane's, too. “You should've seen your face, dude!”
“The hell?” Lane shoved me away. “Did you cheat on her or not?”
“No, I didn't cheat on her. I've never cheated.”
“Well that's a relief.”
“Why? Why would it matter?”
“I dunno! But you can bet your ass, I was going to have reconsider my opinion of you as a nice guy if you did. Cheating sucks, River. I've been cheated on before and it really hurts the person you cheat on. Like, it really fucks you up forever.”
“Yeah, man. I get that. That's why I said I've never cheated.”
“Good! I'm glad! Now stop fooling around and tell me the truth why you guys split up already, willya?”
“Alright.” I inhaled deeply. “No judgment, remember?”
“We're in a judgment free zone right now, River.”
“Okay. Here goes.” I let out my deep breath. “… She wouldn't blow me.”
Lane groaned. “That's not funny either, you shallow pig!” He shoved me again. “You know, you're really impossible to get a straight answer from, River Brame. I can't believe I have to write a report on you. Getting anything from you is like trying to squeeze blood from a stone--”
“I'm not kidding, Lane.”
His playful outrage tapered off. “Wait … what? Damn it, I can't tell if you're joking or not.”
“I'm not joking,” I said, soft but serious.
Lane went dead silent. The only sound between us was the patter of our footsteps on the pavement and Deke's rhythmic pants.
I tried to argue my case. “I mean it wasn't just because she wouldn't blow me. There were other issues too. The blowjob thing was just one small symptom of a bigger problem in our relationship. I felt like I gave so much to try to make it work … and she took a lot … but never gave anything back. You know?” I paused while we both let that sink in. “But, if you wanna be technical about it, yeah, one day we had a big disagreement over blowjobs. And that was the last straw, the reason we split.”
Lane let out a sympathetic grunt. “Hmpf.”
“C'mon. You can't really think I'm a shallow pig.” I chuckled, though I felt a little uneasy. “You know you'd leave a guy too if he didn't return the favor.”
“Well, I … yeah. After Buzz, yeah, I guess that's right. I probably would leave a guy who didn't suck dick. In fact, I know I would, unless he really made up for it in other ways.”
“Whew.” I grinned. “I was worried you were gonna think I was a monster for real this time.”
“Nah. I mean, yeah, that didn't sound good at first – breaking up over a lack of blowjobs.” Lane paused to let out a laugh. “But really, your sex life is kind of a litmus test for the overall health of the relationship. Like how well you guys can communicate and show love for one another. So I'm not surprised to hear there were other problems going on.”
“Yup. There were. Believe me.” I laughed.
Lane looked at me with a glint in his eye. “As long as you tried to work these problems through--”
“Yup.” I nodded.
“… then I'll officially give this break-up my stamp of approval.” He balled his fist and made a stamping motion on my shoulder.
I rolled my eyes at him. “So glad to have earned it.”
“Well hey! That's actually kind of a big deal. You know sex and dating advice is my jam, right? I mean it's totally right up my alley since I write for--”
It was like someone pulled the plug on Lane. From bright-eyed, cheery and enthusiastic one second, to white as a ghost the next.
“Uh – wha'?” I chuckled. “You write for what?”
“Fuck.” Lane muttered under his breath. “Damn it, River.”
“What? What's up?”
“There's something else I should probably tell you. While we're clearing the air and stuff.”
“Um … okay.”
“You know when your teammates were trying to find me in the paper?”
“Yeah.”
“No matter how much they look, they're not going to find me in there, River. At least, they won't see me write under my real name.”
“Huh. What're you saying?”
“I'm a writer for Bitch and Moan. The student sex column. Ever read it?”
My voice was scratchy and hoarse. “Once or twice, yeah.”
“The good news is, my real name's not on there. I just write under the pseudonym 'Moan.' The bad news is, if anyone figures out that I'm Moan … well, they'll know I'm a gay man who talks about how much I love sucking dicks and, uh, other embarrassing stuff that would probably freak your teammates completely out.”
I was quiet. We both were.
“No shit,” I said at last.
“Yeah. No shit, River. So do you think it'll be a problem? If the guys on the team find out?”
I shook my head. “I have no idea, Lane. I'm sure it's better if they don't find out, though.”
“Right …” He looked worried. “Sorry. Sorry. God, I feel like such a burden. I just keep dropping bad news after bad news on you.”
“Don't sweat it, pal. I'm not gonna tell 'em. How else would they find out? There's no way they could find out.”
“Yeah.” He shrugged. �
��I hope you're right.”
Deke's leash suddenly went taut in my grip. I spun around and found him sitting his ass on the pavement and giving me that look – hell no, I won't go!
“Aw hell. Deke's tuckered out. Look at him.” I scooped him up into my arms. “Guess we should probably head back though, eh? It's getting late anyway.”
“Yeah. Sounds good. That was a good walk, River.”
“Yeah, man, definitely. Enjoyed our talks, too.”
Lane smiled at me. “Yeah? You did? Good, I'm glad. I did too. It feels so good to get the truth out, doesn't it? Even if it's scary and hard to get out. It's always better to just get it out there.”
“Yeah,” I laughed nervously. “Yeah. Definitely.”
Yeah … sure! …
***
We started the trek back through campus to my apartment.
“So now that I know you're qualified to give sex and dating advice …”
“Uh oh,” Lane laughed. “Go ahead. I'm listening.”
“I'm curious. What's your love life like?”
“Well, uh. Er.” Lane hemmed and hawed. “Disastrous?”
I chuckled. “A relationship guru with--”
“--with terrible luck in relationships and absolutely no prospects at love. Yes, River, I'm aware of the fact that I'm a walking contradiction.”
“You probably get laid a lot though, don't you?” I gave him a modest smile.
“River!” He budged me with his shoulder. “You mean because I'm gay, right? And gay men just fuck all the time?”
“Well …?” I shrugged, with Deke still in my arms. “That's what everyone says, right?”
“That's just a stereotype. Are there man sluts? Yes, of course. But that doesn't make us all sluts. If you're asking if I'm one of them? Well …”
Lane paused, a wrinkle in his brow appearing. He looked like he had to search deep inside himself for the answer to that question.
“Dude! You look so guilty right now!” I laughed.
“Oh, stop it! I do not!” Lane folded his arms defiantly. “Yes, I've had my share of hook-ups. More than your average straight college guy? I dunno … I doubt it. Probably about the same.”
“So you're not a man slut.”
“I don't think so, no. I prefer to be in a committed relationship. No-strings-attached sex always leads to me feeling all worthless and horrible.” He paused. “But I'm still in the process of learning that lesson. If that makes sense.”
“Oh.” It didn't make sense, to be honest, but I figured I knew what he meant anyway.
“How 'bout you?” Lane asked.
I shrugged. Sucked my cheeks in and let 'em snap.
Could I really tell him that Cass was my one and only?
“Same as you, probably.”
Nope. I couldn't.
“There he is again! Quotable River.” Lane oozed sarcasm. He opened his notebook up and flipped through all the empty pages. “Gosh, I'm just filling this notebook up in record time! Me and you, we're gonna have enough material to publish two, no, three whole biographies about your life.”
“Yeah, yeah … whatever.”
We were almost back to my place. And Deke, the spoiled little guy, had somehow fallen asleep in my arms.
“You know, I have to admit, I'm pretty bummed out right now, River.”
“Why's that?”
“When you mentioned that I was qualified to give sex advice? I actually let myself get my hopes up, for one short second!, that you were going to ask me for advice.”
“Oh.” I grinned. “Yeah, maybe I could pick your brain sometime?”
He smiled. “Anytime.”
“Okay. How about my problem with Cass. What would you do?”
“Well, first of all, it never would've gotten to that point with me … because I would've sucked you off a lot more frequently than she did.” Lane's hands shot over his mouth, and even under the faint light of the streetlamps, I could see his face turning bright red. “Oh! My! God! You meant if I were you in this situation! Ha! Haha!”
Lane was embarrassed as all hell. But when he said that – he'd planted the image firmly in my mind. I saw him. On his knees, between my legs. Holding my manhood. A look of boundless joy, of devotion and loyalty as he sized me up. Gulp. There was something really fucking intoxicating about that idea.
“Dude.” I back-handed his chest. “Lane. Man. Haha. I can tell you're a real pro at this advice giving gig.”
“It was just a joke, River,” Lane lied.
And I couldn't blame him. But part of me wished he 'joked' about that kind of thing more often. My cock stirred with a dangerous tingling. It didn't help that with every step we took, my thighs rubbed against my growing manhood and made it even harder. Hell. I still couldn't shake that image out of my head.
Lane, I could tell, was desperate to change the subject. “So, uh, does Cass ever try to make up for lost time when she comes to hang out with Deke?”
I laughed.“You mean, does she try to blow me?”
“Yeah.”
“No way.”
“If she tried, would you let her?”
“No way.” I shook my head vehemently. “No interest. Zero. Nada.”
Lane filed that information away with a smug bob of his head.
We made it back at last. We climbed the steps of my building, up to the third floor.
“And hell, if you asked her about it, she'd probably say the same thing: no interest.”
“Geez. Sounds like you guys really had a train wreck of a break-up.”
“When are they ever not?”
I unlocked the door and pushed it open. We stood in the doorway. Should I invite him in? I wanted to. I wanted to 'pick his brain' some more. Hear what else he had to say about, y'know. Things that have been on my mind and stuff.
“Wake up, Deke.” I shook him in my arms and his pink, puffy eyes slowly, gently, cracked open. He seemed cranky that I dared to wake him. “Aw. Look at how sleepy he is.” I showed him to Lane.
“He sure is a handsome devil.”
I rocked Deke in my arms. “Deke's gonna have Mom take care of him this Friday, isn't he?”
“Mom? You mean – Cass?” Lane asked, his ears perking up with interest.
I nodded at him. “Yeah. The team's flying out Friday night for New York. Playing Boston College on Saturday. It's the last game of the season, and then the tournament begins. All road games from here on out. Deke doesn't like that, do you Deke? Boo-hoo.”
I peeked up at Lane. He rubbed his chin contemplatively.
“What're you thinking?” I asked.
“I don't wanna overstep my boundaries or anything, but … if you wanted someone besides your ex to dog-sit for you, I'd totally do it, River.”
My eyes widened. “Yeah? You really would?”
“Absolutely.”
“I'd love that, man. I'm okay with Cass coming by every now and then to visit with the dog, but it honestly weirds me out that she stays here when I'm on the road. I just don't know who else to ask. All my other friends are on the team.”
“Well, you just asked me! And I don't blame you, that arrangement weirds me out. I'd be glad to do it, River.”
“Thanks, man!” I put Deke down on the floor and shooshed the dog into the apartment. “You could spend the night if that's easier. But no pressure.”
“Oh? Oh, you mean--” Lane cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable. He swallowed heavily and gazed at his feet. “Right, yeah, maybe I will.”
A pregnant pause between us.
“Well, I should get going,” Lane said. But instead of a statement, it sounded more like a question. One that lingered there, waiting for an answer.
And I knew that was my opportunity. I could … right now … invite him in.
But all I could do was stand there and blink at him. I just froze up. All I could think about was that fucking Buzz guy who practically ruined Lane's life. And how I didn't wanna be like him. I was too damn afraid to s
ay or do anything.
“So, uh, thanks for a fun night, River, I'll see you Friday night, I guess?”
Bam. The window had closed.
“Yeah,” I finally managed to eke out. “Sounds good. Thanks again.”
“No problem.”
He stuck out his hand, but I wrapped my arms around him for a hug instead.
“Good times, bud. Get home safe.”
“Thanks River. I will.”
I watched him walk off with a growing disappointment that stirred in my gut. There was still time. I could chase after him if I really wanted.
But deep down, something stopped me. I knew I wasn't any better than Buzz. It was better to let him walk.
Damn …
22
TMJ
– Lane –
After classes the next day, I waited for Devon in the journalism computer lab as usual. But the second she came through that door, I grabbed her hand and whisked her outta there.
“Lane! Where are we going?” she giggled.
“I need a drink. Bad. And I have to tell you everything.”
“Okay, but what about our work?”
“I can't work like this! I've got way too much on my mind!”
We climbed into my car, buckled in, and I sped off.
Devon thought the confines of my car were enough to coax the information out of me. She looked at me expectantly.
“Well? Start spillin' them beans, boy!”
“Not yet. All day, I've been dreaming of the martinis we're about to have.” I paused. “Hey, how's it going with Jono?”
She turned to look out the passenger side window. “Okay … I guess. I'll have to fill you in later, after you tell me what's up with you. Long story short, though, he's still pressing the boyfriend, girlfriend issue. Which I'm not jazzed about, honestly.”
Gee, to me, that sounds like a pretty good problem to have.
“Sucks,” I said curtly as I pulled the car over and parked at one of our favorite happy hour spots. We grabbed a booth, ordered two classic martinis, and I tapped my feet while I nervously waited for our drinks to come.